4 Years

It's hard to believe that 4 years ago today, Chandler went to heaven.  Sometimes, I still ask myself, "did this really happen?"  "Are we really living this nightmare?"  Unfortunately, we are.  These anniversary dates are even harder than the other days of the year.  It just brings all of the memories of those days back.  They aren't pleasant.  I can picture it in my head as if it is happening now.  As hard as the days are, we always seem to make it through them.  It's only because of God's help and the way He uses His people. 

I am still amazed by the wonderful people in our lives who continue to pray us through these days.  I've received so many wonderful messages on FB, personal text messages, calls, cards, gifts and flowers.  I am so appreciative of all the love that is bestowed upon us all.  It means more to me than anyone could ever know. 

This year was a little different.  It was our first year to go through these days without Caleb with us.  So, that was always on my mind and made it a little more emotional.  I know these days have to be hard on him as well because he was with Chandler when the accident occurred.  He called yesterday and I talked to him for a while and of course it was so good to talk to him and hear his voice.

I received a call today from a florist in town.  They wanted to know if I would be home for a delivery.  When they arrived, Chad met the delivery man outside.  Chad brought me a beautiful arrangement and told me to take it while he went to get the other one.  I said, "the other one?"  To receive 1 was a total surprise.  Why would I receive 2?  I waited to read the card until Chad brought the other flowers in.  Once he got in, we sat the other flowers down and I pulled the first card out.  I saw the name and lost it.  I immediately wept before I even read the note.  It was from Caleb.  Chad started to cry when I told him who sent it.  The card read, "Thinking of you.  Love you mom.  Caleb".  Those flowers meant more to me than anything.  To have my son think of me and send such a beautiful thing touched me in a way I can't even explain.  It's what I needed today!  He also picked out a beautiful arrangement.  It has all white flowers in it with a beautiful glass cross in the center.  I pulled the card out of the other arrangement and read it.  It was from 2 very special families that we love dearly; the McKinney's and the Leets.  It's another beautiful arrangement with fall colors.  Needless to say, after receiving those 2 special arrangements, I was an emotional wreck for a while.  I was trying to get ready for the day at the time and I will tell you it's hard to get ready and keep eye make up on your face when you can't stop the tears.  I was in my room crying and thinking about the flowers Caleb sent.  I just couldn't help but thank the Lord for my kids.  I am so blessed.  I just could not stop thanking God for my 4 blessings.  I love them all with everything in me.  I also called Caleb tonight and was able to talk to him a little bit.  It always does my heart good to hear his voice. 

So, as this day comes to an end, I thank the Lord for being with us.  I thank him for the wonderful friends that he has blessed me with.  We have friends all over the world and they all have a special place in my heart.  I thank him for my family.  They have loved on us, prayed for us, supported us and been with us every step of the way.  They continue to be there for us.  I am thankful for my husband who opens his arms to hug me and hold me when I get so emotional from receiving flowers from my son.  I am thankful for my kids who are pretty close to perfect in my eyes.  I am thankful for Chandler.  I am thankful for the blessing of being his mom.  I am thankful for the 16 years we had.  It was a short time but it was a perfect time.  We have wonderful memories to look back on.  We had lots of extra time with him because we home schooled him.  That's another thing I am thankful for.  I am thankful that God lead us to home school.  Because of that, I had so much more time with Chandler than I would have if  he had gone to school.  I am thankful for the gap in the age of my kids.  Chandler and Caleb were 10 and 9 when Corben was born.  They were 11 & 10 when Carlie was born.  If God hadn't blessed us with Corben and Carlie later on, we would have an empty nest right now and I don't know if I could handle that.  God knew what he was doing.  He always does, but sometimes we don't see the big picture.  I like it when I can see what he has done.  Some things I won't understand until I make it to heaven though.  The loss of Chandler is one of those things.  But, in the midst of our pain and heart break, I can still choose to be thankful.