The day before departing Roanoke

It has been a very busy day around here as we prepare to pull out of here in the morning.  My day started with me going to Chandler's grave.  I left this morning by myself and cried nearly the whole way there.  I got to the cemetery and walked over to Chandler's plot.  I pulled out a sheet and placed it on the ground right beside his marker.  I sat there.  I started out by taking an old toothbrush out and cleaning off his stone, brushing away grass and dirt.  Then I just started talking to Chandler about all kinds of stuff.  The move, the accident, how much I love and miss him.  I mentioned family members by name and talked to him about how much each and every one of them love and miss him.  I talked with the Lord as well.  I wept the entire time.  I know that heaven has to be a wonderful place.  It's a perfect place.  But, as a mom, I still worry about Chandler sometimes.  I just want to know he's okay.  I want to know he's happy.  I also want Chandler to know how much I love him.  I began to beg the Lord.  I wanted him so badly to show me something, to give me a sign to give me some peace today. I was crying and pleading.  Nothing was happening.  So, I began talking to Chandler again.  I said 'Chandler, who am I to be begging God of something?  He died for my sins and I'm asking him for a sign.  I guess I'm just going to have to trust that you are fine and trust that you know how very much I love you.'  It was hard for me to say that and just face the fact that God wasn't going to giving some special sign today.  I just had to believe and have faith.  It's so much harder that way!  I didn't want it to be that way but there wasn't anything I could do to change it.  So, after I came to that realization, I just continued my time talking to Chandler.  It was a beautiful day.  It was a little cloudy and it was still early in the day so it wasn't very hot yet.  I looked at the scenery, the many other graves surrounding me, the mountains and the trees all around.  I could hear airplanes from the nearby airport going by.  I sat there for 35 minutes.  I knew it was getting close to time for me to leave.  I told Chandler I could have stayed out there all day.  But, I couldn't do that because I had to get home and pack up a house.  But, it was so hard to pry myself up off of that ground.  The more I tried, the harder it was.  Knowing that I can't get back to Chandler's grave until I come back into Roanoke and visit was making it harder than ever to leave.  I finally got myself from a seated position into a squat.  I was gradually getting myself up.  It was at that moment that I saw something.  Yes, it was a dragonfly.  I have never seen a dragonfly at that cemetery.  I've seen butterflies and birds, but no dragonflies.  Well, I took a double take and a triple take to make sure I wasn't seeing things.  It was a dragonfly!  It flew right around Chandler's grave and me and took off and I never saw it again.  I was in awe!  It took me a minute to realize that it really did happen.  I wanted to question it at first.  Did it really happen?  Was I seeing things because I needed to see something so badly?  But, it was real.  I wanted to shout right there.  I knew right then that Chandler was okay and he knows that I love him with everything in me and I always will.  I needed to know that!  I finally picked myself up, picked up the sheet and put it back into the bag.  I walked to my car.  I slowly pulled away and cried myself home.  It was such an emotional time but it was so good.  As hard as it is to visit Chandler's grave, I wanted to be there.  I needed to be there.  And, then when God sent that dragonfly, it just made my visit perfect.  Thank you Lord!

When I got home, it was time for work.  We had some friends come over and help us load the moving truck and do some cleaning in the house.  We could not have done it without our friends.  We are so thankful for their willingness to work with us. 

One of our helpers was Anna.  Anna was Chandler's best friend and is Caleb's as well.  When she left today, she gave each of us a special note that she had written to us, individually.  I didn't read mine right away.  I knew I couldn't shed any more tears yet.  So, I waited until everyone left and we had finished working for today.  I opened up my letter and read it.  It's amazing some of the things she said me.  It was things that I needed to hear.  One of the things I love and miss about Chandler is his sense of humor.  He could make us laugh.  He loved to laugh.  He loved funny things.  So, in my letter she told me: "I love your sense of humor.  you're always making someone laugh.  I can't think of a much better quality than the ability to make others laugh.  You remind me of Chandler in that way".  I remind her of Chandler.  That touched me in a way I can't explain.  Chandler's ability to make me laugh is one of my favorite things about him and Anna says I remind her of Chandler in that way.  That was so good to hear.  Everything she wrote to me meant so much but there was another thing she said that I really needed to hear.  She said, "One thing I always knew about Chandler is that he loved his Mamma!  He told me many times how 'awesome' his family was and he was right!"  Chandler called us "awesome".  Those words were sweet to this mama's ear.  I know my kids know that they are loved.  It's not that I really doubt it.  But, when you lose a child, you start questioning all kinds of things like 'Did I do enough?  Did I tell Chandler that I loved him enough?  Did he really know how much I loved him'  So, when I hear things like Anna told me today or I see a butterfly at the cemetery - it is so good for me.  It helps give me some peace. 

So, right now, we sit here in our almost empty house.  We're sitting in the floor.  Our TV is in the floor.  Mattresses are on the floor.  Nothing is on the walls.  The refrigerator is gone.  We're getting ready to spend our last night in our home here and say goodbye to Roanoke tomorrow morning.  We're exhausted from working so hard today.  But, in the midst of our last day here, God spoke to me through a dragonfly and through our dear friend, Anna. 

Preparing to Move

In just 2 more days, we will leave Virginia and move to North Carolina.  We've been in this area now for almost 5 years.  We've experienced a lot since moving here.  We've had some amazing times here.  I have met some of the best friends I'll ever have since I've been here.  I know the friendships I've made since I moved here are lasting ones.  I am so thankful for each and every friend we've met here.  We have truly been blessed.

We've also had our worst days here.  This is where we had to say goodbye to Chandler as he left this world and went to heaven.  I never would have imagined that we would have to experience every parent's worst nightmare.

It has been 20 months now since Chandler passed away.  We've never been to the scene of the accident.  We knew it was something we would want to do one day but we've never been ready.  Well, since we're moving, we wanted to go there before we leave.  So, today was the day.  We met our dear friends, the McKinney's and they went with us.  We parked on the road and as soon as I got out of the car, my eyes began to tear up.  I hadn't even seen anything yet.  I just knew that it was going to be hard.  We walked to where Chandler's accident was.  There is a cross there.  Chandler's friend, Anna, had it made and it's perfect.  It's blue, which was Chandler's color.  It has a sweet message on it and then some of his closest friends, including his brother Caleb, have signed their names on it.  As we stood around, we talked about the accident.  The ones that were with Chandler that day shared some of what happened.  I thought I had heard everything.  But, I heard new things today that I didn't know about.  Those new pieces of information hurt.  It hurts because as I hear of what happened, I can not understand why Chandler didn't make it.  The way it all happened, you would think that he would have gone to the hospital with broken bones or something, been treated and then sent home to recover.  But, it didn't happen that way.  It was so much worse.  I don't believe I'll ever understand, at least not as long as I am this side of heaven.  As I stood there imagining my son laying there and waiting on an ambulance, my heart just ached.  I wished so badly that I could have been there with him, to hold him until the ambulance came.  But, I am thankful that Chandler had some wonderful people with him that day:  his brother, his best friend and her dad.  One of the new things I learned was that the dad laid there with Chandler in that ditch until the ambulance arrived.  As a mom, I can't even begin to explain how touched I was to hear that.  He was there loving and comforting my son and that means the world to me.  Chandler knew that he had people around him that loved him.  To David:  I know you would never want me to thank you for anything.  I am going to anyway.  First of all, you and your family have always loved on my children and treated them as your own.  But, when I heard you talking today about laying there with Chandler, that touched me more than you'll ever know.  Thank you for loving him.  Thank you for being there for him that day.  Chandler thought the world of you and your family.  He really loved y'all!  And, if we (his parents) couldn't be with him that day, then you were the next best thing! 

I am still so confused about the accident.  There are so many questions.  I know that if I knew the answers it wouldn't bring Chandler back.  For some reason, God took Chandler home.  I just can't imagine why.  It was also hard to see Corben & Carlie just standing there and walking around where the accident was. Chandler was an amazing brother and it breaks my heart that Corben and Carlie didn't have more time with him.  Then, there is Caleb, Anna and David who were there today.  They were with Chandler on that horrible day so I know it has to be hard on them to be there and remember that day.  I wasn't even there that day and just being there today has affected me.  I came home this evening and just broke down.  I just had to cry for a while. 

So, as I reflect on our years here in Roanoke, there is lots to think about.  We've grown to love it here.  I love all of our friends here.  I love being in our home where we have memories of Chandler.  I know we can take the memories with us but I like that I can walk into his bedroom and remember him there.  If I want to go to visit Chandler's grave, I can do that.  I won't be able to do that anymore.  I can still visit when I come  back here which will be often but it's not something I can just do if I wake up and feel the need to go.  So, tomorrow, as I go to the cemetery, it will be harder than the normal visit.