This won't be a long blog. I just wanted to record what happened so that I could always remember it. Since Chandler's passing, I've wanted to dream about him so badly. I miss him so much and I just want to see him. When no dreams ever happened, I just couldn't understand it. I would lay in bed at night and beg the Lord to let me see Chandler in a dream. It seems so simple yet it wasn't happening. Was I really asking too much? Many months after Chandler passed, I did have a few dreams. But, they were horrible. They were disturbing, frightening and upsetting. I wasn't comforted by them at all. Since those few dreams, I haven't had any more. It's been a while since I even had those.
I woke up this morning to get Caleb up so that he could leave early with Chad. After packing their lunches, I went back to bed to lay down a little while. As I laid there, I suddenly realized to myself "I saw Chandler". I remembered that he had been in my dream last night. I don't remember any details about it at all. I've racked my brain trying to remember everything that happened but it's just not there. But, I do know that it wasn't a bad dream. I also recall seeing him and that is the most important thing. It was so sweet to see him there. I want to see him again so badly. I hope that it doesn't take a long time for that to happen again. We have a lot going on in our lives right now. So, having this dream of Chandler was a huge gift. Thank you Lord!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Moving
Well, the news is out. We are moving. We are leaving Roanoke, Virginia and going back to Wake Forest, NC. Chad will be going back to school to work on his Master's degree. This hasn't been an easy decision to make, especially for me. I don't like the timing of it all. Couldn't this have happened 2 years ago? That would have been better for me. But, God's timing is not our timing.
We've made such great friends here. Of course, moving doesn't mean the friendship will end. I've had long distance friendships since 1989, when I moved from Alabama. So, if there is anything I know how to do, it would be to keep a friendship going even with the distance. As I think about the many great friends that I have, it has hit me that even though there is distance between us, you would never know it when we get together. That's a blessing! I know that I will experience the same thing with the friends I have made here. I have no doubt that we'll still be friends. The hard part is not seeing them as often. I'm used to hanging out with my friends regularly. Plus, my friends have been such a huge blessing for me over the past 15 months. They have been so loving and supportive of me as I have grieved and continue to grieve over Chandler. They have all been so perfect. They've laughed with me and cried with me. I don't know what I would have done without my friends. And, I still need them!
The hardest part about moving from here is the fact that we had Chandler with us in the home we are living in now. I can look around my home now and remember him here. I can look in my kitchen and see him standing there making his chocolate milk and waffle. I can walk in his bedroom and see it as if he were still here (even though the bed is in a different place because Corben is in there). I look out in the back yard and I see him there. I see him working in the yard and playing around with the kids. I look out our front door as one of the kids walk to the mailbox and I see Chandler walking down that driveway. There are just so many memories of him here. When we go to another home, it will be different. We won't have the memories of him in that house. Another thing we have to do is pack up his stuff. All of his stuff; clothing, shoes, games, school stuff, etc. is still in his room, in it's place. I haven't packed anything up. I haven't wanted to. I like that I can walk in there and open a drawer and see his stuff there just like it was when he was here. If I want to go grab a shirt or jacket and hold it close or even wear it, I can do that. I'm not getting rid of anything! I don't even want to pack it up and just store it. I want it assessible. So, our goal is to find a nice big chest to put at the foot of my bed. I'll put Chandler's stuff there and I'll always have it with me. I know it's just "stuff" but it's "Chandler's stuff". And, to me, that means everything. I cherish it all! Holding one of his shirts close to me is the closest thing I can get to a hug from him now. There is no comparison at all but sometimes I need that. So, one day, in the next few months, we have to go through Chandler's room and pack it up to move. Even though, it will only be put away temporarily so that we can get it to another place, it is still going to be a hard and emotional thing for us to do.
Another thing I've had to deal with since we began talking about going back to school is the fact that Chandler is buried here. My biggest fear when we were planning his funeral and deciding what to do about burial was that we might move one day and then his grave would be here. I thought the best thing to do would be to cremate him. Then, he could go everywhere we went. In the end, we did bury him. I had no idea that so soon after we chose to bury him that I would be having to face moving and leaving the area where his grave is. When we first started discussing leaving, that is the first thing that popped into my mind. It broke my heart. I know Chandler is not there at that grave. It's just a shell. But, that's "my" shell. The shell of "my son". If I want to go visit his memorial, I can. Plus, one of my pet peeves at the cemetery is seeing flowers that are so faded and ugly. You can tell that no one has been there in forever. I understand that that happens. I'm sure that eventually families die out or no one lives close enough to get there so there is no way to have fresh looking flowers all of the time. But, I don't want that for my son's grave. I want his grave to look nice. I want to "see" the love of his family in those flowers when I approach his grave. I want to "feel" our love for him when I walk up to it. Maybe all that is selfish but it's the way I feel. So, I will do everything in my power to get back here regularly to attend to his grave.
There are some pros to moving to Wake Forest. One of them is that it is only a 2 1/2 hour drive. So, that makes it easy for me to come back regularly to visit Chandler's grave, to visit friends, to come get my hair done (yes, I'm going to come back here for my hair appointments). I've found a great girl that does my hair beautifully and I am not going through the stress of finding another one. Because we've lived in Wake Forest before (for 7 years), we also still have some great friends in the area. So, that is helpful. To go somewhere new where we don't know anybody would have been so much harder. Now, for the best "pro" in going back to Wake Forest. We lived there from the time Chandler was 4 1/2 to almost 11 years old. So, we have tons of memories of Chandler there. We've been to visit a few times since Chandler passed away and as I drive around the area, memories come to mind of when we lived there and the things we did with him. I drove through town one time telling Corben and Carlie, "I went with Chandler on a field trip there one time." "That's where Chandler played Upward Basketball, etc". So, for me, having memories of Chandler there is so helpful. We won't have memories of him in our home there but we can drive anywhere in the area and remember our previous years there with Chandler and Caleb. I just wish Chandler was going with us so badly. Chandler and Caleb loved Wake Forest. They talked about it all the time after we moved from there. It is "home" to them. If Chandler were here with us today, he would be ecstatic that we were going back there.
So, I as I close this blog, I just want to ask friends and family to pray. Pray for our transition. Pray that we see God in all of this. We have a house that needs to sell. We need to find housing in Wake Forest. Chad needs a job in Wake Forest. I'm also dealing with something personally that I won't share here, but I would just ask for you to pray for me. Pray that I can stop thinking about it and just turn it over to God and let him be in control of it. I have some sinful feelings in me that I need to release. They aren't helping me any and there is certainly nothing I can do about the situation. Pray for the kids as they prepare to move away from their friends as well. They do all have friends in WF which is good but they've gotten comfortable here. They love their friends here and this has been "home" for almost 4 1/2 years now.
We've made such great friends here. Of course, moving doesn't mean the friendship will end. I've had long distance friendships since 1989, when I moved from Alabama. So, if there is anything I know how to do, it would be to keep a friendship going even with the distance. As I think about the many great friends that I have, it has hit me that even though there is distance between us, you would never know it when we get together. That's a blessing! I know that I will experience the same thing with the friends I have made here. I have no doubt that we'll still be friends. The hard part is not seeing them as often. I'm used to hanging out with my friends regularly. Plus, my friends have been such a huge blessing for me over the past 15 months. They have been so loving and supportive of me as I have grieved and continue to grieve over Chandler. They have all been so perfect. They've laughed with me and cried with me. I don't know what I would have done without my friends. And, I still need them!
The hardest part about moving from here is the fact that we had Chandler with us in the home we are living in now. I can look around my home now and remember him here. I can look in my kitchen and see him standing there making his chocolate milk and waffle. I can walk in his bedroom and see it as if he were still here (even though the bed is in a different place because Corben is in there). I look out in the back yard and I see him there. I see him working in the yard and playing around with the kids. I look out our front door as one of the kids walk to the mailbox and I see Chandler walking down that driveway. There are just so many memories of him here. When we go to another home, it will be different. We won't have the memories of him in that house. Another thing we have to do is pack up his stuff. All of his stuff; clothing, shoes, games, school stuff, etc. is still in his room, in it's place. I haven't packed anything up. I haven't wanted to. I like that I can walk in there and open a drawer and see his stuff there just like it was when he was here. If I want to go grab a shirt or jacket and hold it close or even wear it, I can do that. I'm not getting rid of anything! I don't even want to pack it up and just store it. I want it assessible. So, our goal is to find a nice big chest to put at the foot of my bed. I'll put Chandler's stuff there and I'll always have it with me. I know it's just "stuff" but it's "Chandler's stuff". And, to me, that means everything. I cherish it all! Holding one of his shirts close to me is the closest thing I can get to a hug from him now. There is no comparison at all but sometimes I need that. So, one day, in the next few months, we have to go through Chandler's room and pack it up to move. Even though, it will only be put away temporarily so that we can get it to another place, it is still going to be a hard and emotional thing for us to do.
Another thing I've had to deal with since we began talking about going back to school is the fact that Chandler is buried here. My biggest fear when we were planning his funeral and deciding what to do about burial was that we might move one day and then his grave would be here. I thought the best thing to do would be to cremate him. Then, he could go everywhere we went. In the end, we did bury him. I had no idea that so soon after we chose to bury him that I would be having to face moving and leaving the area where his grave is. When we first started discussing leaving, that is the first thing that popped into my mind. It broke my heart. I know Chandler is not there at that grave. It's just a shell. But, that's "my" shell. The shell of "my son". If I want to go visit his memorial, I can. Plus, one of my pet peeves at the cemetery is seeing flowers that are so faded and ugly. You can tell that no one has been there in forever. I understand that that happens. I'm sure that eventually families die out or no one lives close enough to get there so there is no way to have fresh looking flowers all of the time. But, I don't want that for my son's grave. I want his grave to look nice. I want to "see" the love of his family in those flowers when I approach his grave. I want to "feel" our love for him when I walk up to it. Maybe all that is selfish but it's the way I feel. So, I will do everything in my power to get back here regularly to attend to his grave.
There are some pros to moving to Wake Forest. One of them is that it is only a 2 1/2 hour drive. So, that makes it easy for me to come back regularly to visit Chandler's grave, to visit friends, to come get my hair done (yes, I'm going to come back here for my hair appointments). I've found a great girl that does my hair beautifully and I am not going through the stress of finding another one. Because we've lived in Wake Forest before (for 7 years), we also still have some great friends in the area. So, that is helpful. To go somewhere new where we don't know anybody would have been so much harder. Now, for the best "pro" in going back to Wake Forest. We lived there from the time Chandler was 4 1/2 to almost 11 years old. So, we have tons of memories of Chandler there. We've been to visit a few times since Chandler passed away and as I drive around the area, memories come to mind of when we lived there and the things we did with him. I drove through town one time telling Corben and Carlie, "I went with Chandler on a field trip there one time." "That's where Chandler played Upward Basketball, etc". So, for me, having memories of Chandler there is so helpful. We won't have memories of him in our home there but we can drive anywhere in the area and remember our previous years there with Chandler and Caleb. I just wish Chandler was going with us so badly. Chandler and Caleb loved Wake Forest. They talked about it all the time after we moved from there. It is "home" to them. If Chandler were here with us today, he would be ecstatic that we were going back there.
So, I as I close this blog, I just want to ask friends and family to pray. Pray for our transition. Pray that we see God in all of this. We have a house that needs to sell. We need to find housing in Wake Forest. Chad needs a job in Wake Forest. I'm also dealing with something personally that I won't share here, but I would just ask for you to pray for me. Pray that I can stop thinking about it and just turn it over to God and let him be in control of it. I have some sinful feelings in me that I need to release. They aren't helping me any and there is certainly nothing I can do about the situation. Pray for the kids as they prepare to move away from their friends as well. They do all have friends in WF which is good but they've gotten comfortable here. They love their friends here and this has been "home" for almost 4 1/2 years now.
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