Wits' End

Each day is still a struggle.  It's so hard to learn how to continue going about your daily life without one of your children.  I look around the house and notice the loss.  There is one less person in the house making noise.  I look toward Chandler's bedroom in the mornings as I sit and read my devotion and his light is off.  Normally, it would be on, his door would be shut and he would be working on his school work.  He was always the first one up in the mornings.  That's not the case anymore so the days just seem to start off wrong.  I see the mold of his hand print first thing in the morning because it sits on my dresser.  When I go to the kitchen to fix coffee, I see his picture.  I love seeing those things but it's also a painful reminder that those things are all I have right now.  I can't have him.  I can only have what's left of him which is his stuff, photos, a mold of his hand print and of course, our memories.  I cherish all of those things but I want him here so badly.  I miss him terribly!  Corben and Carlie talk about Chandler every day.  Carlie even named one of her stuffed animals "Chandler".  They'll say all time "Chandler did this or Chandler did that". 

The past few nights when I've gone to bed, I just end up in tears.  I start out praying and the tears just fall.  The top of my sheet just gets soaked from wiping my eyes.  Last night, I went to bed and tried to talk to God.  I started to get upset and it's so hard to go to sleep when you're so emotional.  So, I ended up asking the Spirit to talk to the Lord for me.  They know how I'm feeling.  They already know my heart and mind.  I just told the Lord I couldn't do it last night on my own.  The more I talk to Him, the more emotional I get and I just couldn't take it last night. 

The past several days have been more emotional for me.  Yesterday was extremely hard.  I started crying soon after I woke up and that's all I wanted to do the rest of the day.  Every thought I had of Chandler brought tears to my eyes.  Every time I would see his picture, a tear would drop.  I went to the bathroom one time and just wept for a while.  When I came back into the other room, Corben looked at me and asked "why do you look sick?"  That question brought more tears.  I told him "I'm not sick, I'm having a sad day". 

Later in the day, Chad called to ask when we were due to arrive at church.  I told him when I expected to be there but I told him I didn't want to be there.  I told him I was having a rough day and just couldn't face a lot of people.  He told me to do what ever I needed to do.  I dropped Caleb off early for praise team practice.  I took Corben and Carlie out for dinner then I took them back to church.  I walked them to their class and tried to go in a way to avoid as many people as people.  I did well.  I didn't see anyone until I reached their classroom and then I saw their teacher.  Their teacher isn't someone I would want to miss seeing so it was good to run into her.  She talked to the kids a few minutes and then asked me how I was doing.  In tears, I told her.  After we talked a few minutes, I left and went to the grocery store.  I needed to get some things so I decided that's what I would do while the rest of the family was at church. 

On my way out of the store, I heard someone call out my name "Amie!".  I backed up and looked around.  Wouldn't you know it was one of my closest friends.  I haven't seen her in weeks because I was out of town for a while and we just haven't been able to get together yet.  I walked over to her and we talked for a while.  I look at running into her as one of those "God nods".  He made it possible for me to run into her because He knew the day I was having and He knew I needed those closest to me right now.  I had one of those run ins at church and now at the grocery store.  I was so thankful to run into her.  It's comforting to know that even when I'm at my "wits' end", God is still there.  He finds some way to show His love for me and it's always at the right time - His time.  Speaking of being at my "wit's end", I wanted to share the following devotion from the other day:

They were at their wits' end.  They they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. (Psalm 107:27-28)

Are you standing at "Wits' End Corner," 
   Christian, with troubled brow?
Are you thinking of what is before you,
   And all you are bearing now?
Does all the world seem against you,
   And you in the battle along?
Remember - at "Wits' End Corner"
   Is just where God's power is shown.

Are you standing at "Wits' End Corner,"
   Blinded with wearying pain,
Feeling you cannot endure it,
   You cannot bear the strain,
Bruised through the constant suffering,
   Dizzy, and dazed, and numb?
Remember - at "Wits' End Corner"
   Is where Jesus loves to come.

Are you standing at "Wits' End Corner"?
   Your work before you spread,
All lying begun, unfinished, 
   And pressing on heart and head,
Longing for strength to do it,
   Stretching out trembling hands?
Remember - at "Wit's End Corner"
   The Burden-Bearer stands.

Are you standing at "Wits' End Corner"?
   Then you're just in the very spot
To learn the wondrous resources
   Of Him who fails you not:
No doubt to a brighter pathway
   Your footsteps will soon be moved,
But only at "Wits' End Corner"
   Is the "God who is able" proved.
                          Antoinette Wilson

Do not get discouraged - it may be the last key on the ring that opens the door. Stansifer

-Streams in the Desert