It's been 5 horrible months since we've had Chandler here with us. It's so hard to believe that so much time has passed. Sometimes, it seems like just yesterday that we got the call that Chandler was in an accident. But, on the other hand, it seems like forever since he's been here. It feels like it's been longer than 5 months. It seems like forever since I've seen him walk through the house, fix him something to eat, do yard work outside, etc. It's been so long since I've heard his voice and the great laugh that he had!
Over the past week or so, my mind goes places that it really shouldn't go but it's so hard to control it. How do I not question things? Did I pray enough? Should I have just kept the kids home that day instead of letting them go riding? I mean, there is part of me that did not want them to go that day. And, with all of the times they've gone riding over the years, I've never had that feeling. So, could
I have prevented it? But, then, I think, if God gives us life and takes our life and it's all in God's timing, would He have taken Chandler a different way on that day if they had not gone riding? The bad thing is that all of these thoughts are not good for me. I mean, what
if I could have prevented it? Would that really make me feel any better? Could I handle it if it were my fault? I don't believe I could. But, why? Why did it have to be my child? I still ask and wonder why a lot. But, I think I need to
try and stop asking why. I'm reading a great book right now. It's written by a husband and wife who lost their son. The story is so similar. Their son was in an automobile accident. He had brain injuries. He was an organ donor. He died on his 19th birthday. Chandler died just 5 days after his 16th birthday and this couple's son's birthday and date of death is the same day. I can relate to so many things written in this book. When I was reading last night, I would read a sentence and cry. I would have to stop reading and cry a little bit before reading onto the next sentence. There is a point to me bringing this book up. It has to do with me questioning, "why?" I was reading this morning and the writer wrote about the 'why' that we ask. He writes:
A pastor friend of ours had some invaluable wisdom for us within days of Josiah going to Heaven. He told us, "You can't ask why and let why dominate your thoughts. You can't let the 'whys' replace the 'knows' of your life. All the whys will never be answered this side of Heaven." Looking for answers to the whys will only add another layer to your grief and will stall the healing Jesus wants to bring. If you are clinging to pain until you know why, you must throw the whys to the wind. ---Have Heart
That is so true. No matter how many times I question 'why', I'm not going to get my answer - not here. I will get it one day - the day I make it to Heaven but until then it's not doing me any good to wonder. Of course, it's easier said than done. But, I will work on that.
Another thing this couple talks about in their book is "God Nods". This is what they say that a God Nod is:
A God Nod is affirmation and direction. It's God affirming that you are on His radar and haven't been forgotten. It's God directing you to pay attention and look deeper. It's God saying, "Check this out." With that being said, be on the lookout for God Nods. They'll be happening when you least expect them. They cause healing. Don't miss them. --Have Heart
I've experienced some God Nods. I just haven't known what to call them. One of those God Nods were shown to me this morning. When I went to read my devotion for today's date, it happened to be written based on one of my favorite Bible verses. These verses were also shared at Chandler's grave side service. So, the fact that it was my devotion for
today was certainly a God Nod. Here it is:
The Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. (1Thessalonians 4:16-17)
It was "very early in the morning" (Luke 24:1), "while it was still dark (John 20:1), that Jesus rose from the dead. Only the morning star, not the sun, shone down upon His tomb as it opened. Jerusalem's shadows had not yet retreated, and its citizens were still asleep. Yes, it was still night, during the hours of darkness and sleep, when He arose, but His rising did not break the slumbering of the city.
And it will be during the darkness of the early morning, while only the morning star is shining, that Christ's body--His church--will rise. Like Him, His saints will awake while the children of the night and darkness are still sleeping their slumber of death. Upon rising, the saints will disturb no one, and the world will not hear the voice that summons them. As quietly as Jesus has laid them to rest--each in their own silent grave, like children held in the arms of their mothers--He will just as quietly and gently awake them when the hour arrives. To each will come the life-giving words, "You who dwell in the dust, wake up and shout for joy" (Isa. 26:19). Into their graves the earliest ray of glory will find its way. The saints will soak up the first light of morning, while the clouds of the eastern sky will give only the faintest hints of the uprising. The gentle fragrance of the morning, along with its soothing stillness, invigorating freshness, sweet loneliness, and quiet purity--all so solemn and yet so full of hope--will be theirs.
Oh, how great the contrast between these blessings and the dark night through which they have just passed! Oh, how great the contrast between these blessings and the graves from which they have been freed! They will shake off the dirt of earth that once held them, flinging mortality aside, and will rise with glorified bodies "to meet the Lord in the air." The light of "the bright Morning Star" (Rev. 22:16) will guide them upward along a brand-new path. The beams of that Star of the Morning will, like the Star of Bethlehem, direct them to the presence of the King. "Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning" (Ps. 30:5)
Horatius Bonar
While the hosts cry Hosanna, from heaven descending,
With glorified saints and the angels attending,
With grace on His brow, like a halo of glory,
Will Jesus receive His own.
"I am coming soon." Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.
Revelation 22:20
A soldier once said, "When I die, do not play taps over my grave. Instead, play reveille, the morning call, the summons to arise."
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I believe this devotion was put on today's date for a reason. Before visiting the grave today, God reminded through this devotion even though we weep now, rejoicing will come. He's coming back. This is all temporary. Like the song says, "This is my temporary home".
On a different note, I was driving home last night with Corben and Carlie and they started talking about all of our names. Then, they started talking about nicknames. Corben said, "I wish I was Chandler." Now, I'm not sure what he meant by that. I really just think it's his way of saying "I miss Chandler so much". So, I told him, "Corben, there is a lot about you that is like Chandler. Y'all are similar in a lot of ways, including the way you look. Be thankful that you have some of Chandler in you but remember that you are your own person." I just know that Corben and Carlie miss Chandler so much. They mention his name a lot. If they run across something of his, for example a picture they've found, they will walk up to me and show it to me. The interesting thing is that it's almost like slow motion when they do it. They'll come up to me and slowly show it to me and they have this sweet look on their face. They do it that way because they know that I'll usually cry when they show me something and I guess they want to be gentle with me.
I got the kids ready today and we rode out to the grave. We wanted to add some things to the flower arrangement that is there. While driving there, I was thinking a little bit. I was thinking about where we were going and how heartbreaking it is knowing that I'm having to visit my son's grave. I also sat there thinking about Caleb, Corben and Carlie. I've loaded them up in the car to go visit their brother's grave. That is something that no mother should ever have to do. They've all been there before but they haven't gone in a while. The last few times I went, they weren't with me. So, the thought of taking them there just really hurt. The closer we got to the cemetery, the more anxious I became. I almost felt sick to my stomach. We got to the cemetery and pulled up to our usual spot where we park and the first thing I noticed was a plant that was sitting there by Chandler's flower arrangement. I immediately knew who it was from. It was from some very special friends who visit Chandler's grave regularly. They had been there today. We got out of the car and walked over to the grave. There was a card on the plant that said that it was for our family to take home. It was comforting to know that our friends had already been there and that they left that plant and card there for us, letting us know that they were thinking of us and praying for us. So, the kids and I started to change some things out in the arrangement. We took some pictures and just stayed there for a little while. Corben and Carlie walked around a little bit. Caleb took his camera as well and was taking some pictures while we were out there. They all walked away for a few minutes doing their own thing and I just stood there at the grave. I was just thinking about how much I love Chandler and how very much he is missed. It's still so hard to comprehend what has happened to our family. I also looked around at the kids doing their thing and just found it so hard to believe that we were having to spend time at a cemetery because we've lost one of our family members -- my son and their oldest brother. Heartbreaking!
I just want to end with the following quote that is also in the book I'm reading now:
Think of--
Stepping on shore, and finding it Heaven!
Of taking hold of a hand, and finding it God's hand.
Of breathing a new air, and finding it celestial air.
Of feeling invigorated, and finding it immortality.
Of passing from storm to tempest to an unknown calm.
Of waking up, and finding it Home. -Hazel Felleman
