I went to the cemetery today to spend some time. It's been cold here and no matter now cold it is, it always seems to be colder at the cemetery. You can usually expect a breeze there too. So, I expected to be cold but I also didn't care. Being cold is nothing compared to what I'm actually dealing with these days. I waited until about noon to go because I was trying to give it a little time to warm up. I actually even heated up my rice back and wrapped it in a warm towel to take with me. I thought I'd just go prepared and do what I could to make me comfortable enough to hang out a while.
When I got there and sat down, I started to change out the flowers. After a few minutes there, I realized that it wasn't cold. There was no breeze. I would have even been fine without the rice bag but I used it anyway. I actually felt like God calmed the weather a little bit for me. After the flowers were changed, I did some thinking as well as talking. I always talk to God and Chandler. I know Chandler isn't there but it just helps. Then, I thought about one of the songs that we played at Chandler's funeral. I've written about the funeral and the music in previous blog posts. Some of the songs were actually picked out by Chandler himself. Of course, he had no idea it was happening at the time. But, that's certainly how it worked out. It was a God thing, for sure. So, I pulled the song up on my phone and played it right there. It's a Newsboys song called No Grave. The words are perfect and I needed to hear them. Especially the following lyrics:
It's alright mama, now don't be sad
It's alright, don't cry for me
They can lock my flesh and bones up until
kingdom come
But my spirit will be free
When I first heard those lyrics years ago, it was like they were straight from Chandler. I had never heard the song. He had heard the song and requested the CD that had this song on it. It was to be a Christmas gift for him. I had already purchased it before his accident. Then, I opened it up to listen to it when we were planning his funeral. So, this song and others on that CD are very special. And, just like the first time I heard the song, I felt like the words were coming straight from Chandler.
I'll be honest and say that 9 years later, I still ask the question "why". Why did this have to happen? Why didn't God allow Chandler to survive? I doubt that I'll have the answers while I'm here on earth and when I get to heaven, it really won't matter. So, when I left the cemetery today and started driving, I had the radio on. A song started to play that I haven't heard in a while. It's called Thy Will Be Done. God's will is going to be done no matter what. He has a plan and He knows what's best. In the end, it will all make sense. I have to trust that. I just have to trust that he'll continue to help me get through each day. He does love me. He knows the hurt I feel. He knows my heart is broken. But, He also said "Blessed are those who mourn: for they shall be comforted" Matthew 5:4. Over these last 9 years, He has done just that. I have to trust and believe that He'll still be there for me until He brings us all Home.
I've had many people message me or post and let me know that they're thinking of us and praying for us. We've had phone calls as well. The support and love that we still receive this many years later is appreciated and means more to us than you could ever know.
For years we've had to get through these days with Caleb being so far away. But, we always talk to him at some point during these days and he has always been so good about checking in on me at some point. Tonight, he actually sent me some pictures. He knows how much I love to get pics and I don't get them often so when I do, I'm extra happy. He definitely put a smile on my face.
