I haven't blogged a lot lately. I think about it a lot but I just haven't been able to. The last 14 1/2 months have been heartbreaking. They continue to be. It seems like the more time that goes by without Chandler, the harder it is. We all miss him so much! I would give anything to see his smile, hear his voice. I miss him acting goofy and trying to get a laugh! Yesterday, I had to take Caleb up the road. The little ones and I were driving back home and they were singing to the radio. Out of the blue, I just lost it. Tears rolled down my face. I wanted to pull over somewhere and get out of the car and just shout. But, I didn't. Instead, I cried all the way home and did my shouting inside my head.
In addition to my grief, our family has been dealing with some other issues. The issues aren't resolved and we're still working on them. Dealing with it all has affected me in a lot of ways. I feel so discouraged. My faith hasn't been strong at all. As a matter of fact, I've questioned some things. The bad thing is that I question them to myself which isn't helping me at all. I haven't even shared with Chad some of the things I'm dealing with. I haven't picked up my devotion book in months and that used to be a daily thing for me. So, needless to say, I've definitely been in the valley and I'm trying to climb my way out. It's not easy.
I read in my devotion book yesterday for the first time in a long time trying to find any kind of encouragement. I know I'm going to have to put forth some effort if I am to build my faith back up. I'm telling you it's at an all time low right now. So, this morning, I read in my book again. I read the devotion for January 26. I'm going to share it here and then I'll say what I think about it.
I have begun to deliver. . . .Now begin to conquer and possess. (Deuteronomy 2:31)
The Bible has a great deal to say about waiting for God, and the teaching cannot be too strongly emphasized. We so easily become impatient with God's delays. Yet much of our trouble in life is the result of our restless, and sometimes reckless, haste. We cannot wait for the fruit to ripen, but insist on picking it while it is still green. We cannot wait for the answers to our prayers, although it may take many years for the things we pray for to be prepared for us. We are encouraged to walk with God, but often God walks very slowly. Yet there is also another side to this teaching: God often waits for us.
Quite often we fail to receive the blessing He has ready for us because we are not moving forward with Him. While it is true we miss many blessings by not waiting for God, we also lose numerous blessings by overwaiting. There are times when it takes strength to simply sit still, but there are also times when we are to move forward with a confident step.
Many of God's promises are conditional, requiring some initial action on our part. Once we begin to obey, He will begin to bless us. Great things were promised to Abraham, but not one of them could have been obtained had he waited in Chaldea. He had to leave his home, friends, and country, travel unfamiliar paths, and press on in unwavering obedience in order to receive the promises. The ten lepers Jesus healed were told to show themselves to the priest, and "as they went, they were cleansed" (Luke 17:14). If they had waited to see the cleansing come to their bodies before leaving, they would never have seen it. God was waiting to heal them, and the moment their faith began to work, the blessing came.
When the Israelites were entrapped by Pharaoh's pursuing army at the Red Sea, they were commanded to "go forward" (Ex. 14:15 KJV). No longer was it their duty to wait, but to rise up from bended knees and "go forward" with heroic faith. Years later the Israelites were commanded to show their faith again by beginning their march over the Jordan while the river was at its highest point. They held the key to unlock the gate into the Land of Promise in their own hands, and the gate would not begin to turn on its hinges until they had approached and unlocked it. They key was faith.
We are destined to fight certain battles, and we think we can never be victorious and conquer our enemies. Yet as we enter the conflict, One comes who fights by our side. Through Him we are "more than conquerors" (Rom. 8:37). If we had waited in fear and trembling for our Helper to come before we would enter the battle, we would have waited in vain. This would have been the overwaiting of unbelief. God is waiting to pour out His richest blessings on you. "Go forward" with bold confidence and take what is yours. "I have begun to deliver. . . .Now begin to conquer and possess." J. R. Miller
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So, I could really relate to this devotion. It made sense to me. I've thought, "maybe this devotion was specifically for me on this day". But, then I also think "it's just a coincidence" God isn't actually giving me these words for today. I just don't know what to believe. Because of my lack of faith these days, it's possible that I'm waiting on God to do something when he's really waiting on me to make the move. Am I waiting in vain? But, there are so many questions my family has about what's going on and we still don't have answers. Without some of those answers, it's hard to move forward. With a lack of faith, how am I supposed to take a step and move toward God and whatever he has for the Coleman family?
What if the key to blessings for my family and our "Land of Promise" is my faith? Then, right now, my faith isn't working for us. It's actually hurting us? But, how do I restore my faith? I've been in this valley for so long that I don't know how to get out. What if I get out and there still aren't any changes? What if it's meant to be for me to struggle my entire life? I just have so many questions and no answers. I would really love to sit with God and have a chat and have Him give me the answers. I would even settle for him sending me a letter in the mail. But, none of that is happening. He's not speaking to me personally so it just makes all of this so difficult. Then again, maybe today He did speak to me through this devotion. It is possible. But, what if it wasn't a word from Him for me today? It just happened to be the devotion for today's date. I just have so many questions and I don't know what to do. I don't know what step to take next. I'll get a little feeling of encouragement but I go right back to where I was. It's one step up and two steps back for me.
If you think of the Coleman family at all throughout the day, please say a prayer for us. We have a lot going on and we could use those extra prayers for guidance and wisdom in making decisions for our family. Thank you!
