First of all, I want to thank some very special friends. They were very kind in sharing something with us. Friends, you know who you are and I want you to know it means so much to us that you were willing to share. It was so good for us! We love you and treasure you!
Yesterday evening I wept for quite a while. My head hurt from it. My eyes were red. The crying lingered. It was so hard to stop. It was all due to something that some friends shared with us. We have some friends who had saved and printed some texts and Facebook correspondence that they had with Chandler. I heard about it and was told that if I wanted to read them that I could. Well, of course, I was interested. I wasn't expecting to get it so soon but when Chad walked in from work yesterday, he had the papers with him. I was back in my room folding clothes at the time. I took the papers from him and started reading. My intention wasn't to read the whole thing right then. I was just going to look at it a little and come back to it later. Well, I couldn't stop reading it. Tears started to fill my eyes. So, I decided to sit in my chair in my room and just keep reading. It was so good to be able to read things that Chandler had written. As I was reading, I could hear his voice. I could see him sitting there writing these messages. I could hear his laughter the many times he wrote "haha" in his messages. It was so good for me to read, yet painful. He would write things about the future and what the future might hold. That was hard to read. He writes about a job one day, possibly a "National Geographic photographer". He loved photography. It's hard to read those things because it will never happen. As I read his stuff, I missed him more and more. Some of the things he wrote brought a smile to my face. He would joke to his friend about how "perfect" he was. Of course, he always ended it with jk (just kidding). When I first read that, I thought "he is perfect". To me, all of my kids are perfect. But, now, he's literally perfect, in heaven. When I finished reading the papers, I just sat for a while holding the papers against me and weeping. The messages we have started the end of September and the last one was on Nov. 11. That was hard too. Going through the dates and knowing that we're getting to the end of his life. His accident was on Nov. 13. I wanted the messages to keep on going. I didn't want to get to the last page. I dreaded reading the last message. I knew that once I read the last message, that was it. I can't sit and feel like I'm sitting in the room listening to him and his friend talk anymore. The conversation ends and there won't be anymore.
I went to the other room where Chad was and sat on the couch. He asked me what I thought. I could hardly get any words out because the crying was so intense. But, through the tears, I told him that it hurts me that he didn't get to experience some of the things he talked about. He was really beginning to open up more. He's always been so quiet but I feel like he was coming out of that a little bit. He wont' be able to do this or that now. Of course, Chad said that he's not in heaven wishing he was able to do the things that he missed here on earth. Earthly things cannot compare to the things of heaven. I know that. I know he's in Good Hands, God's Hands. But, I'm still here on earth. I'm missing my son. The selfish part of me wants to see him graduate from high school and college. I want to know what career path he would have taken. I want to see him get married. I want to see him as a dad. I want to love on my grandchildren (from all of my kids). It's those things that hurt so badly. The things that will never be.
Once again, I'm so thankful for being able to read what Chandler wrote. I want anything I can get my hands on that has anything to do with Chandler. This is truly a gift we've been given. I will cherish it forever!
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