Things have been really busy lately. We were in Alabama last week visiting family and our days were full of things to do. We had a great visit. Of course, every day I thought of Chandler. My daddy would take Caleb off to do things and it hurt seeing them leave without Chandler with them. My oldest nephew there, Cade, hangs out with Chandler and Caleb the whole time when we visit Bama. But, this time it was just Cade and Caleb and it looked so wrong. There was one time when we were going somewhere in the car and I heard Connor, Corben and Carlie talking about Chandler. I loved hearing that. It was a sweet sound to hear Chandler's brother, sister and nephew talking about him. I hope they'll continue to do that. They are all so young and I want them to remember Chandler and everything about him. I want the memories they have of him to never fade.
We got back home from our trip on Monday of this week. Every day this week has been busy. I wasn't even able to unpack some of our clothes from the trip until yesterday afternoon. I'm still not finished. I don't have much more to do though.
Wednesday night, Chad, Corben, Carlie and I were at Bojangles grabbing a bite to eat before church. We started talking there at the table and I was crying again. The people at Bojangles are going to wonder what is wrong with us. This was the 2nd time we had been in there and I started crying. I was sitting there wiping my eyes and trying to catch breaths while people around me are eating. The conversation was about Chandler of course. Chad started it all by saying how hard things have been for him lately. He misses Chandler and it's hard to accept that he's gone forever when it hurts so badly at only 3 1/2 months of him being gone. Then I started talking about some articles I had read recently. I've read lots of things lately about people who have had head injuries and survived. I'm not out looking for these articles. They just happened to be in magazines I had. Anyway, I shared with Chad about some of the stories I read. My question is why were the doctors able to treat their head injuries. Why couldn't Chandler have been saved? Did they do everything they could have done? Chad assured me that we had great doctors and they did what they could. The difference in the articles I had read was that those people had brain injuries but they also still had brain waves. Chandler didn't have that. I believe as time goes on and I continue to think about the accident, I'm looking for something we could have done differently to save him. Of course, that's not doing me any good either. We can't bring him back. So, to find something that we could have done differently to save him would just hurt me even more. My mind is just a little crazy these days and goes places it shouldn't go.
Yesterday was Corben's 7th birthday. He had a good day but I couldn't stop thinking of the fact that we are celebrating another birthday without Chandler here with us. I remembered back to the day when Corben was born. Chandler and Caleb went to the hospital with us. I was induced and I really wanted them there with me. They were even going to be with us during delivery. They were excited and ready to meet their baby brother. The day ended up being a long one. We had gotten there about 9:00 am and at 11:00 pm, Corben still wasn't here. They got me to start pushing for a while even though I wasn't fully dilated. Chandler and Caleb were there. There were sitting to the side of the room, not able to see anything, but certainly experiencing it. Our plans for them experiencing the whole delivery didn't work out. We ended up having a c-section. But, I'll never forget Corben's birthday with Chandler and Caleb in the room waiting on him to be born.
This morning I woke up and felt blah. I think all of the busy days have crept up on me. I'm not tired. It's just that with all of the business, I don't really get a chance to express my emotions. I don't have time to just go in my room and have a good cry. I could tell when I woke up that today was going to be a day that I need to cry. The bad thing is I had to get busy this morning as soon as I got up. Alex and Addison are coming for a visit so I had to get a few things done. I cried a few times while working but I really just wanted to sit in my room and have time alone. Earlier, Chad and I were making plans for meals for the weekend so that he could go to the store. We talked about having roast for Sunday's lunch. We can put it in the crock pot and then it's ready when we get home. We decided that's what we would do but I started crying and told him, "that is one of Chandler's favorite meals." I haven't made it since his accident. He loved when I made a roast. He loved lots of carrots cooked with it. I could never have too many carrots for him.
Finally about an hour ago, I was able to come back to my room and just be alone. I was reading in my devotion book and it was really good today. I'll share it in a minute. Tears come easily today. I want to see Chandler and talk to him. I want to hug him. Forever is too long to go without my son here! Forever seems so unbearable!
After the death of Moses the servant of the Lord, the Lord said to Joshua son of Nun, Moses' aide: "Moses my servant is dead. Now then, you and all these people, get ready to cross the Jordan river." (Joshua 1:1-2)
Yesterday you experienced a great sorrow, and now your home seems empty. Your first impulse is to give up and to sit down in despair amid your dashed hopes. Yet you must defy that temptation, for you are at the front line of the battle, and the crisis is at hand. Faltering even one moment would put God's interest at risk. Other lives will be harmed by your hesitation, and His work will suffer if you simply fold your hands. You must not linger at this point, even to indulge your grief.
A famous general once related this sorrowful story from his own wartime experience. His son was the lieutenant of an artillery unit, and an assault was in progress. As the father led his division in a charge, pressing on across the battlefield, suddenly his eye caught sight of a dead artillery officer lying right before him. Just a glance told him it was his son. The general's fatherly impulse was to kneel by the body of his beloved son and express his grief, but the duty of the moment demanded he press on with his charge. So after quickly kissing his dear son, he hurried away, leading his command in the assault.
Weeping inconsolably beside a grave will never bring back the treasure of a lost love, nor can any blessing come from such great sadness. Sorrow causes deep scars, and indelibly writes its story on the suffering heart. We never completely recover from our greatest griefs and are never exactly the same after having passed through them. Yet sorrow that is endured in the right spirit impacts our growth favorably and brings us a greater sense of compassion for others. Indeed, those who have no scars of sorrow or suffering upon them are poor. "The joy set before" (Heb. 12:2) us should shine on our griefs just as the sun shines through the clouds, making them radiant. God has ordained our truest and richest comfort to be found by pressing on toward the goal. Sitting down and brooding over our sorrow deepens the darkness surrounding us, allowing it to creep into our heart. And soon our strength has changed to weakness. But if we will turn from the gloom and remain faithful to the calling of God, the light will shine again and we will grow stronger. J. R. Miller
Lord, You know that through our tears
Of hasty, selfish weeping
Comes surer sin, and for our petty fears
Of loss You have in keeping
A greater gain than all of which we dreamed;
You knowest that in grasping
The bright possessions which so precious seemed
We lose them; but if, clasping
Your faithful hand, we tread with steadfast feet
The path of Your appointing,
There waits for us a treasury of sweet
Delight, royal annointing
With oil of gladness and of strength. Helen Hunt Jackson
Today, my first impulse is to give up. I don't want to do anything. I want to wallow in my sorrow. I want to cry and cry. I do believe that I have to take the time I need to cry. I can't hold that in. I have to get it out. But, I can't give up. I have to pick myself up and keep on going. I have a family to take care of.
While sitting here, Chad just brought me something he wanted me to read. It's written by a mom who has a very sick child. He's on the list to receive organ transplants. After reading it, I just sit here crying. It's so hard for me to believe where we are right now. It's still so hard to comprehend that our son is gone. It's hard to believe that a lot of the new friends I am in contact with these days are moms who have lost a child. I'm grieving the loss of my son and that is the hardest thing in the world to do!
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