My blessings

I went to bed last night and started thinking about my kids and what a blessing they all are to me.  Obviously, Chander was my first born.  He was a great baby.  He was so calm and content.  That pretty much defined his 16 years.  He just went with the flow.  He wasn't strong willed.  He just enjoyed life and enjoyed laughter.  I've learned new things about him since he has gone to heaven.  So, I become more and more proud every day.  Chandler was only 16 but he was such an example to so many people.  It makes me feel so good when people share things with me about him.  When people talk about his leadership qualities and his testimony and how it is affecting others, I'm so happy to hear those things.  So much love has been poured out on us and Chandler.  I was telling someone the other day that I wish Chandler knew how much people loved him.  I'm not referring to our family.  He knows we loved him.  I'm talking about the love of friends, the youth group, the church.  People that looked up to him.  I don't think he realized what an amazing example he was setting. 

Caleb was born just 13 months after Chandler.  He has amazed me!  He always has but over the past few months, especially.  I am so proud of him!  He has been so strong through all of this.  I know he has to struggle with the loss of his brother/friend but he has really grown in a lot of ways since November.  I went to the Wednesday night youth group service last night for the first time since Chandler's accident.  Caleb is part of the praise team that leads the youth in worship before the message is shared.  I didn't go in the service the whole time while the music was being played.  But, I went in for the last song.  I stood in the back of that room watching the youth lead music.  They do such as great job.  Of course, it was emotional for me because the last Wednesday night I was in there, Chandler was also there.  He was helping with the AV part of it and he loved that!  So, I stood there and just stared at Caleb the whole time they were playing.  He was playing his guitar and he also had a mic on and was singing along.  I was so impressed to see him up there leading in such a huge way.  I stood back there thinking about how proud I was of him.  I wanted to shout "hey, that's my son up there!"  I know I'm being partial.  I mean, all parents are, right?  But, with the cards we've been dealt, there are a lot of ways that a teenager could rebel.  But, Caleb has been strong.  He's keeping his faith and he's doing the right thing.  I'm so proud of him and I know that Chandler is too!  On another note, Caleb is a hard worker.  He can do yard work, paint, work on cars, woodworking, etc.  And, he puts effort into it.  He does the work to the best of his ability.  The other night after dinner, I was cleaning the kitchen.  Caleb had gone outside.  I looked out as I was doing dishes and saw Caleb getting a piece of wood and getting ready to cut it with the chain saw.  I stopped what I was doing and just watched him.  At first I just watched him with tears in my eyes thinking how hard it was for me to look out there and see him but not be seeing Chandler.  It's just so hard to get used to not seeing them both together.  But then I just started to focus on what Caleb was doing.  A part of me was concerned about what he was doing.  I'm a mom.  I can't help it.  He's out there with a chain saw and I'm just watching and praying there won't be an accident.  It's not the first time he's used a chain saw but these days my mind seems to go crazy places.  Anyway, he cuts his piece of wood and then goes into the shed to do some wood working with his lathe.  So, I continue to clean the kitchen.  Caleb stays out for a while working.  The sun went down and it was dark outside but he had the light on in the shed and continued to work on whatever it was he was doing.  A while later, he walks in the house, filthy of course, but he's holding a bat in his hand.  He had made a bat out of that piece of wood he had cut.  It looked great.  He's so good at stuff like that and it just makes me proud. 

Corben is like a mini Chandler is so many ways.  They are alike in many ways and Corben favors Chandler a lot.  He knows it and I think he's proud of it.  I'm thankful for it because I can look at Corben sometimes or he can do something and it just brings memories back of Chandler.  I know that Corben is his own person and I'm definitely not looking for him to replace Chandler.  No one can ever replace Chandler!  But, I do appreciate the fact that Corben and Chandler have some similarities.  At night, when I put Corben and Carlie to bed, we say prayers together and sing a few songs.  Corben always adds at the end of his prayer that he loves all of us and he includes the names, "Chandler, Caleb, Carlie, etc."  The other night after he prayed he said something about still including Chandler in his prayers.  I told him, he doesn't have to stop including Chandler in his prayers.  Even though he is not here with us, we will always love him so he can always say in his prayers "I love Chandler".  I hope he does continue to do that.  I want so badly for Corben and Carlie to remember everything that they know about Chandler.  I think talking about Chandler, keeping Chandler in their prayers, etc. will help make it easier on them.  I don't want their memories to fade.

Then there is Carlie.  My little girl!  She's resembles Caleb a lot but Chad refers to her as a mini Amie because she is like me in so many ways.  God knew that I was going to need her.  She is such a loving little girl.  She rubs on me, hugs me, draws pictures of us together.  She writes "I love mommy and daddy" all the time.  When she knows I'm sad, she'll come love on me and try and make me feel better.  She's been very helpful to me over the past few months.  Last night when I was putting them to bed, she said "I wish Chandler was here".  Oh, I do too!  I hate that they are missing their brother so much but in another way, I'm thankful they are missing him.  We have a close family.  My kids love each other and that means everything to me.

So, I have been blessed.  God has blessed me with wonderful children.  I am so proud of all of them! 

Chandler, Caleb, Corben & Carlie, I love you all with everything in me!  You are all huge blessings to me.  I am one proud Mama!!