Stolen Identity

Yesterday, I was reading through a new book that was given to me.  One particular thing I read yesterday meant something to me because I've thought about it many times.  There are times when I question "could I have done something to prevent Chandler's accident?"  "What if I had done this differently?"  But, I also know that God gives and takes life.  So, could I have really changed anything that happened that day, November 13?  I haven't read any scripture yet about this until yesterday.  One of the verses the author mentions is Job 14: 5.  It says, "Man's days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed."  Another verse comes from Psalm 139:16.  It says, "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."  So, based on these verses, Chandler's life here on earth was supposed to last 16 years.  There is nothing I could have done to prevent his accident.  God gave Chandler to us on Nov. 9, 1994 and He took him back on Nov. 14, 2010.  Even though I know this, it doesn't mean I like it.  I still wonder and ask God "why just 16 years?"  I don't want to out live my children.  I want to see them all grow up.  There are so many things I want to see my children do and experience.  I know that nothing this side of heaven can compare to what Chandler is experiencing now.  But, for me (a mom), I'm missing out on things with Chandler.  That's what hurts so badly!  I almost wish you could know when you're born the days that you'll live here on earth.  If I had known that I only had 16 years with Chandler, I would have done some things differently.  I would have done more. 

I was reading in another book today and it was talking about "stolen identity".  I've thought about this as well.  The author writes "one consequence of your child's death is that your identity has changed, but you may not be aware of it for a while.  It is not a choice you have made; rather, it was imposed on you from the outside.  Your identity has been stolen.  You're still the person you were before your child died, but others see and identify you differently.  Instead of being Mrs. Anderson or Elaine, you are now 'the mother of that boy who died'.  It's not fair, but for a time, you'll be known by your loss."   --David W. Wiersbe  Gone but Not Lost  Grieving the Death of A Child

This is so true.  When I look in the mirror, I even see myself differently.  I see a bereaved parent looking back at me.  I see sadness in my face.  I don't see what I used to see.  If I see myself differently, I know others do.  When I walk down the halls of church, I think of the book "The Scarlet Letter".  I feel like I have a scarlet letter on my forehead or my shirt or something.  I feel like people see me and they think to themselves "there she is - the mother who lost her child".  I know it's true and it's understandable.  The worst thing ever has happened to our family.  We've had to bury our child.  It's every parent's worst nightmare. 

On a different note, I had to take Caleb to the orthodontist this morning and then I had some errands to run.  One of the things I had to do was take some contacts back to the eye doctor that I recently ordered.  My prescription was messed up so I have to get new ones.  Anyway, my eye doctor is not far from the hospital where Chandler was taken.  So, as I'm driving there, I get the most anxious feeling.  I mean my heart starts beating faster, I feel sick to my stomach and I just want to break down and cry.  I didn't even see the hospital at all.  But, the road I was on was the road we had to drive on the day we went to the hospital.  It just gives me a terrible feeling.

When we got home today, I was looking through my closet trying to find some things.  I knew that Chandler and Caleb's baby books were in my closet somewhere and I wanted to find them.  I did find them, along with some other stuff.  I found some old crafts and things that were made by Chandler and Caleb.  I was obviously crying as I looked through the stuff.  But, one thing in particular got to me.  It was a  little book that Chandler had made back in '99.  He was only 4 years old.  The title on the front is "My Best Friend".  On the first page Chandler wrote "my best friend is Caleb".  Oh my goodness, that really got to me.  Chandler really loved his brother.  They really were best buddies.  They were only 13 months apart and they were always together.  Anytime their names were mentioned, they were always mentioned together, "Chandler and Caleb".  I showed Caleb the little book that I found.  He liked it.  Of course he said "why do you keep all of this stuff?"  I said, "what if I didn't keep all of this stuff?  Look what I have here because I've kept it".  He said "true".

We also printed some pictures of Chandler and put in the kids room today.  Of course, I went in Corben's room to see where he put his.  He has a picture of Chandler in one frame sitting on his bedside table and beside it is Chandler's drawing of  "Jesus and me".  Carlie put here pictures on the shelf at the head of her bed.  She has pictures of her and Chandler together and then one of Chandler's drawings in another frame.  It's hard to see the pictures in their room, knowing that they don't have their oldest brother here with them anymore.  They have to rely on his pictures and his things and the memories they have. 

The other day Corben and Carlie were playing with the magnets on our refrigerator.  They spelled out Chandler's name.  I loved it so we're keeping it there.