Mother's Day

Yesterday was a hard day for me.  I cried a lot throughout the day.  It's really the only thing I wanted to do.  My mind was consumed with thoughts of Chandler and how much I miss him.  I was also thinking about Mother's Day and wondering how am I going to get through it.  I just didn't know how to be happy and celebrate being a mom when I can't have all of my kids with me.

After having such a rough day yesterday, we checked the mail.  I received a very sweet card from a very special family.  In that card, they included a picture of Chandler.  I also received a package from a very dear friend of mine that I met while we were in Chesapeake years ago.  We've been friends for many years.  She also sent me a very sweet card and a gift.  It was a dragonfly necklace.  The perfect thing about the necklace is that it has a stone on it and it just happens to be a color very close to Chandler's birthstone.  So, that just made it even more special.  The timing in receiving these pieces of mail was perfect.  It just reminded me of the people out there who are still continuing to lift us up in prayer.  And, I felt like God was speaking to me through that mail as well.  He let me know that He knows the bad days I'm having and he knows Mother's Day will be hard but He is still with me.

So, I woke up this morning (Mother's Day) to get ready for church.  I was busy this morning so I didn't have much time to think.  But, once we got into the car, I could feel it.  I felt the pain.  I could feel my broken heart.

I am a very proud mom.  I've been blessed with the best kids ever.  I love them all so much.  So, on Mother's Day, I want to have them all with me.  But, today, that's not possible.  I can be with Caleb, Corben and Carlie but Chandler is in heaven along with 2 other siblings.  Chandler is the only one of us who knows if the two other children in heaven are boys or girls.  It's hard to celebrate a day like today without your children.  Every day without Chandler is still hard.  We're still trying to learn how to live our lives without him here with us.  But, on days like today, it's like being slapped in the face.  Reality really hits.  It's Mother's Day and my son is not with me. 

So, we went to church and I really dreaded running into people and hearing "Happy Mother's Day" so many times.  The interesting thing is that I heard it a few times but not near as many times as I expected.  It seemed like any time I walked down the hall, there weren't many people around.  That was fine with me and I know it was a God thing.  He knew I couldn't handle all of the people today.  I did have some of Chandler's things with me today too.  The other day I found a Mother's Day note that Chandler had written to me 10 years ago.  I had it with me and a picture of him. 

We went to lunch after church and then headed home.  As soon as we got home, I changed clothes and went to my room.  I got in my recliner and covered up with the Blanket of Hope that was loaned to us soon after Chandler's accident.  I slept for hours.  I felt like the longer I slept, the better off I would be.  It was the easiest way to get through the day.

After I got up, Chad wanted to go for a scenic drive.  I was not up for it at all.  But, I went for the family.  So, now it's evening time and the day is almost over.  I've almost made it through another day which is all I can ask for.  One day at a time is all I can face.

A couple of weeks ago, I ran across a poem and I thought it was fitting to put it on here today.

A Mother's Day Gift From God

Lord today is Mother's Day,
but my heart is split in two
Half of my heart is still here,
The other with my child that is there with you.

All the lovely presents
are a nice surprise
But the only thing I want most is missing,
And tears fill my eyes.

I know when you sent him Lord,
You didn't promise how long he would stay
All you said was to love him
And treasure each and every day.

But Lord it crushed my heart,
when you called for his return.
I really feel like half a Mum,
As I ache, weep, and yearn.

But Lord tell him I love him
Just as much as I did before.
And could you please make a window,
So he can see through heaven's floor

Let him see that he is missed
And thought of with each breath.
And that a Mother's love begins before life,
And does not end with death.

So on this Mother's Day,
The Greatest Gift "I Give To You"
For Lord I know you missed him,
And you love him too. -Author Unknown


I also want to add something else here.  I found this a while back and I cry every time I read it.

My mom is a survivor, or so I have heard it said.  But I can hear her crying when all others are in bed.  I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.  She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.  Like the sands upon the beach that never wash away, I watch over my surviving mom....who thinks of me each day.  She wears a smile for others. . . .A smile of disguise, but through heaven's open door I see tears flowing from her eyes.  My mom tries to cope with my death to keep my memory alive, but to anyone who knows her, knows it's her way to survive.  As I watch over my surviving mom through heaven's open door. . . .I try to tell her Angels protect me forevermore.  I know that doesn't help her, or ease the burden she bears.  So if you get a chance, talk to her, please show her that you care.  For no matter what she says. . .No matter what she feels, my surviving mom has a broken heart that time may never heal.




My Dear Chandler, I've spent my first Mother's Day without you here with us and I will tell you that it hasn't been pleasant.  It's hard to celebrate such a special day and not have you with me.  I always look forward to receiving the home made cards y'all make me or the videos.  I love the video y'all did for me last year.  I'm so glad y'all made it for me.  I still have it and will cherish it forever.  You were my first born so you taught me how to be a mom.  I had never loved any one so deeply before you were born.  I think of you every day and I miss you so much that it hurts.  I love you Chandler, always and forever.  I look forward to the day that we can see other again and be in the presence of the Lord together.   All my love, Mom


I also want to share my devotion for today which was a good one for me on this day.

Walking around in the fire. (Daniel 3:25)

     When Shadrach, Meshack, and Abednego were thrown into the furnace, the fire did not stop them from moving, for they were seen "walking around."  Actually, the fire was one of the streets they traveled to their destination.  The comfort we have from Christ's revealed truth is not that it teaches us freedom from sorrow but that it teaches us freedom through sorrow.
     O dear God, when darkness overshadows me, teach me that I am merely traveling through a tunnel.  It will then be enough for me to know that someday it will be all right.
     I have been told that someday I will stand at the top of the Mount of Olives and experience the height of resurrection glory.  But heavenly Father, I want more--I want Calvary to lead up to it.  I want to know that the shadows of darkness are the shade on a road--the road leading to Your heavenly house.  Teach me that the reason I must climb the hill is because Your house is there!  Knowing this, I will not be hurt by sorrow, if I will only walk in the fire.  George Matheson

"The road is too rough," I said;
   "It is uphill all the way;
No flowers, but thorns instead;
  And the skies overhead are gray."
But One took my hand at the entrance dim,
And sweet is the road that I walk with Him.

"The cross is too great," I cried --
  "More than the back can bear,
So rough and heavy and wide,
  And nobody near to care."
And One stopped softly and touched my hand:
  "I know, I care.  And I understand."

Then why do we fret and cry;
  Cross-bearers all we go:
But the road ends by and by
  In the dearest place we know,
And every step in the journey we
May take in the Lord's own company.