Each day is still a struggle. It's so hard to learn how to continue going about your daily life without one of your children. I look around the house and notice the loss. There is one less person in the house making noise. I look toward Chandler's bedroom in the mornings as I sit and read my devotion and his light is off. Normally, it would be on, his door would be shut and he would be working on his school work. He was always the first one up in the mornings. That's not the case anymore so the days just seem to start off wrong. I see the mold of his hand print first thing in the morning because it sits on my dresser. When I go to the kitchen to fix coffee, I see his picture. I love seeing those things but it's also a painful reminder that those things are all I have right now. I can't have him. I can only have what's left of him which is his stuff, photos, a mold of his hand print and of course, our memories. I cherish all of those things but I want him here so badly. I miss him terribly! Corben and Carlie talk about Chandler every day. Carlie even named one of her stuffed animals "Chandler". They'll say all time "Chandler did this or Chandler did that".
The past few nights when I've gone to bed, I just end up in tears. I start out praying and the tears just fall. The top of my sheet just gets soaked from wiping my eyes. Last night, I went to bed and tried to talk to God. I started to get upset and it's so hard to go to sleep when you're so emotional. So, I ended up asking the Spirit to talk to the Lord for me. They know how I'm feeling. They already know my heart and mind. I just told the Lord I couldn't do it last night on my own. The more I talk to Him, the more emotional I get and I just couldn't take it last night.
The past several days have been more emotional for me. Yesterday was extremely hard. I started crying soon after I woke up and that's all I wanted to do the rest of the day. Every thought I had of Chandler brought tears to my eyes. Every time I would see his picture, a tear would drop. I went to the bathroom one time and just wept for a while. When I came back into the other room, Corben looked at me and asked "why do you look sick?" That question brought more tears. I told him "I'm not sick, I'm having a sad day".
Later in the day, Chad called to ask when we were due to arrive at church. I told him when I expected to be there but I told him I didn't want to be there. I told him I was having a rough day and just couldn't face a lot of people. He told me to do what ever I needed to do. I dropped Caleb off early for praise team practice. I took Corben and Carlie out for dinner then I took them back to church. I walked them to their class and tried to go in a way to avoid as many people as people. I did well. I didn't see anyone until I reached their classroom and then I saw their teacher. Their teacher isn't someone I would want to miss seeing so it was good to run into her. She talked to the kids a few minutes and then asked me how I was doing. In tears, I told her. After we talked a few minutes, I left and went to the grocery store. I needed to get some things so I decided that's what I would do while the rest of the family was at church.
On my way out of the store, I heard someone call out my name "Amie!". I backed up and looked around. Wouldn't you know it was one of my closest friends. I haven't seen her in weeks because I was out of town for a while and we just haven't been able to get together yet. I walked over to her and we talked for a while. I look at running into her as one of those "God nods". He made it possible for me to run into her because He knew the day I was having and He knew I needed those closest to me right now. I had one of those run ins at church and now at the grocery store. I was so thankful to run into her. It's comforting to know that even when I'm at my "wits' end", God is still there. He finds some way to show His love for me and it's always at the right time - His time. Speaking of being at my "wit's end", I wanted to share the following devotion from the other day:
They were at their wits' end. They they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. (Psalm 107:27-28)
Are you standing at "Wits' End Corner,"
Christian, with troubled brow?
Are you thinking of what is before you,
And all you are bearing now?
Does all the world seem against you,
And you in the battle along?
Remember - at "Wits' End Corner"
Is just where God's power is shown.
Are you standing at "Wits' End Corner,"
Blinded with wearying pain,
Feeling you cannot endure it,
You cannot bear the strain,
Bruised through the constant suffering,
Dizzy, and dazed, and numb?
Remember - at "Wits' End Corner"
Is where Jesus loves to come.
Are you standing at "Wits' End Corner"?
Your work before you spread,
All lying begun, unfinished,
And pressing on heart and head,
Longing for strength to do it,
Stretching out trembling hands?
Remember - at "Wit's End Corner"
The Burden-Bearer stands.
Are you standing at "Wits' End Corner"?
Then you're just in the very spot
To learn the wondrous resources
Of Him who fails you not:
No doubt to a brighter pathway
Your footsteps will soon be moved,
But only at "Wits' End Corner"
Is the "God who is able" proved.
Antoinette Wilson
Do not get discouraged - it may be the last key on the ring that opens the door. Stansifer
-Streams in the Desert
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Bright Light
Men see not the bright light which is in the clouds. (Job 37:21 KJV)
Much of the world's beauty is due to clouds. The unchanging blue of a beautiful, sunlit sky still does not compare to the glory of changing clouds. And earth would become a wilderness if not for their ministry to us.
Human life has its clouds as well. They provide us with shade, refresh us, yet sometimes cover us with the darkness of night. But there is never a cloud without its "bright light." God has told us, "I have set my rainbow in the clouds" (Gen. 9:13). If only we could see clouds from above - in all their billowing glory, bathed in reflective light, and as majestic as the Alps - we would be amazed at their shining magnificence.
We see them only from below, so who will describe for us the "bright light" that bathes their summits, searches their valleys, and reflects from every peak of their expanse? Doesn't every drop of rain in them soak up health-giving qualities, which will later fall to earth?
O dear child of God! If only you could see your sorrows and troubles from above instead of seeing them from earth. If you would look down on them from where you are seated "with Christ . . . in the heavenly realms" (Eph. 2:6), you would know the beauty of the rainbow of colors they reflect to the hosts of heaven. You would also see the "bright light" of Christ's face and would finally be content to see those clouds cast their deep shadows over the mountain slopes of your life.
Remember, clouds are always moving ahead of God's cleansing wind. selected
I cannot know why suddenly the storm
Should rage so fiercely round me in its wrath;
But this I know - God watches all my path,
And I can trust.
I may not draw aside the unseen veil
That hides the unknown future from my sight,
Nor know if for me waits the dark or light;
But I can trust.
I have no power to look across the tide,
To see while here the land beyond the river;
But this I know - I will be God's forever;
So I can trust.
-Streams in the Desert
Much of the world's beauty is due to clouds. The unchanging blue of a beautiful, sunlit sky still does not compare to the glory of changing clouds. And earth would become a wilderness if not for their ministry to us.
Human life has its clouds as well. They provide us with shade, refresh us, yet sometimes cover us with the darkness of night. But there is never a cloud without its "bright light." God has told us, "I have set my rainbow in the clouds" (Gen. 9:13). If only we could see clouds from above - in all their billowing glory, bathed in reflective light, and as majestic as the Alps - we would be amazed at their shining magnificence.
We see them only from below, so who will describe for us the "bright light" that bathes their summits, searches their valleys, and reflects from every peak of their expanse? Doesn't every drop of rain in them soak up health-giving qualities, which will later fall to earth?
O dear child of God! If only you could see your sorrows and troubles from above instead of seeing them from earth. If you would look down on them from where you are seated "with Christ . . . in the heavenly realms" (Eph. 2:6), you would know the beauty of the rainbow of colors they reflect to the hosts of heaven. You would also see the "bright light" of Christ's face and would finally be content to see those clouds cast their deep shadows over the mountain slopes of your life.
Remember, clouds are always moving ahead of God's cleansing wind. selected
I cannot know why suddenly the storm
Should rage so fiercely round me in its wrath;
But this I know - God watches all my path,
And I can trust.
I may not draw aside the unseen veil
That hides the unknown future from my sight,
Nor know if for me waits the dark or light;
But I can trust.
I have no power to look across the tide,
To see while here the land beyond the river;
But this I know - I will be God's forever;
So I can trust.
-Streams in the Desert
Saturday, May 14, 2011
6 Months
It's hard to believe that it has been 6 months since Chandler went to heaven. That is half a year! How can it be that long already? It's been so long since I've heard his voice and heard his great laugh! It's been so long since I've heard him making noise in the kitchen in the mornings as he makes his chocolate milk. I miss him sitting at the table with us to eat and hearing him smack his food. I know it's horrible to make such noise when you eat but when it was something I heard every day and now it's gone - I miss it!!!
This weekend has been so busy. But, it wasn't too busy for me to be able to forget what this day meant. And, that is that it has been 6 months since we've had to say goodbye to Chandler. I had to take Corben and drop him off at a friend's house for a birthday party today. I was going to do some running around while he was at the party. Caleb didn't want to stay home so he went with me while Chad stayed home with Carlie. After we dropped Corben off, Caleb and I went to the grocery store and I bought 2 small balloons to put in the arrangement at Chandler's grave. They just said "I love You" on them. I noticed as soon as we parked at the cemetery that the grave looked different. The difference is that the grass is growing. It has been just dirt and seed. But, the seeds are starting to produce grass. I honestly didn't like it. I didn't like the change. I told Chad about the grass when we got home and I showed him a picture. He asked me what I thought about it. I told him "it means it has been 6 months". That is why I didn't like the change. It means that Chandler has been gone long enough for the grass to start growing. That was hard for me accept. I added the 2 balloons to the arrangement and Caleb and I just stood there in silence for a while. As we stood there, I couldn't help but think about the weather for today. It has been gray and dreary all day. It looked like it was going to rain all day. But, it didn't until we were on the way to the cemetery. We were almost there and it started with a light drizzle. The weather was just fitting for the way I felt. It was gray and gloomy. So, as Caleb and I stood there in the drizzle, it just seemed like the angels were crying with us. It continued to rain for the next few hours.
Caleb and I went to the mall and killed some time while we waited on time to pick Corben up. After we picked Corben up, we headed home to get everybody ready to go back out again. We had a youth function tonight at the church with the youth and their families. While we were driving to the church, it was still raining. The sky was still gray. But, as we approached the church, there was something different. It was still raining but the sun was shining as bright as it could be. Chandler always enjoyed being at church and doing things with the youth group. Caleb is the same way. So, when we approached the church today and the sun was so bright as it continued to rain, I just felt like it was God's way of sending His love.
After eating dinner and playing some games, we (the youth & families) were asked to go downstairs to the youth suite for a presentation. We all went downstairs and sat. One of our youth who is close friend of Chandler and Caleb's had made a video to show on Chandler's 6 month anniversary in heaven. He had pictures and video of Chandler in it. He also had asked some of Chandler's friends and youth leaders to share something that they missed about Chandler. Thank you Zack! You did a great job! After the video, we were asked to walk to another room where they presented a picture that was hung on the wall in the youth suite. In the frame is a photo of Chandler and the drawing that Chandler drew a few years ago of the hand of Jesus holding the hand of a little boy. It is titled "Jesus and me". It is also engraved with "In the hands of God" and then it has Chandler's name, birth and death dates. It also has the words "No grave gonna hold my spirit down" on it which comes from a song by the Newsboys that was played at his funeral. It was put together so nicely. It is beautiful but emotional to look at. I mean, there is a memorial of my son hanging in the youth suite. I wish he was here instead, hanging out with his friends and most importantly hanging out here with his family.
We received a special gift tonight from a very special family. They gave us a book they thought the kids would enjoy. It is titled Ten Boys Who Made a Difference by Irene Howat. Well, this book has a special addition to it. In the back of the book, our friend added an 11th Boy. It is Chandler. There is a picture of him and a story about him and how he has made a difference. It is so special and I will cherish it forever. So, we're going to start reading about these 10 boys to Corben & Carlie and when we reach the end of the book, we'll read the story of their brother. Perfect! Thank you dear friends! We love and cherish you always!!
Chandler, I miss you terribly. I miss you more and more every day. I love you with all that is in me and I always will! Forever your mom.
This weekend has been so busy. But, it wasn't too busy for me to be able to forget what this day meant. And, that is that it has been 6 months since we've had to say goodbye to Chandler. I had to take Corben and drop him off at a friend's house for a birthday party today. I was going to do some running around while he was at the party. Caleb didn't want to stay home so he went with me while Chad stayed home with Carlie. After we dropped Corben off, Caleb and I went to the grocery store and I bought 2 small balloons to put in the arrangement at Chandler's grave. They just said "I love You" on them. I noticed as soon as we parked at the cemetery that the grave looked different. The difference is that the grass is growing. It has been just dirt and seed. But, the seeds are starting to produce grass. I honestly didn't like it. I didn't like the change. I told Chad about the grass when we got home and I showed him a picture. He asked me what I thought about it. I told him "it means it has been 6 months". That is why I didn't like the change. It means that Chandler has been gone long enough for the grass to start growing. That was hard for me accept. I added the 2 balloons to the arrangement and Caleb and I just stood there in silence for a while. As we stood there, I couldn't help but think about the weather for today. It has been gray and dreary all day. It looked like it was going to rain all day. But, it didn't until we were on the way to the cemetery. We were almost there and it started with a light drizzle. The weather was just fitting for the way I felt. It was gray and gloomy. So, as Caleb and I stood there in the drizzle, it just seemed like the angels were crying with us. It continued to rain for the next few hours.
Caleb and I went to the mall and killed some time while we waited on time to pick Corben up. After we picked Corben up, we headed home to get everybody ready to go back out again. We had a youth function tonight at the church with the youth and their families. While we were driving to the church, it was still raining. The sky was still gray. But, as we approached the church, there was something different. It was still raining but the sun was shining as bright as it could be. Chandler always enjoyed being at church and doing things with the youth group. Caleb is the same way. So, when we approached the church today and the sun was so bright as it continued to rain, I just felt like it was God's way of sending His love.
After eating dinner and playing some games, we (the youth & families) were asked to go downstairs to the youth suite for a presentation. We all went downstairs and sat. One of our youth who is close friend of Chandler and Caleb's had made a video to show on Chandler's 6 month anniversary in heaven. He had pictures and video of Chandler in it. He also had asked some of Chandler's friends and youth leaders to share something that they missed about Chandler. Thank you Zack! You did a great job! After the video, we were asked to walk to another room where they presented a picture that was hung on the wall in the youth suite. In the frame is a photo of Chandler and the drawing that Chandler drew a few years ago of the hand of Jesus holding the hand of a little boy. It is titled "Jesus and me". It is also engraved with "In the hands of God" and then it has Chandler's name, birth and death dates. It also has the words "No grave gonna hold my spirit down" on it which comes from a song by the Newsboys that was played at his funeral. It was put together so nicely. It is beautiful but emotional to look at. I mean, there is a memorial of my son hanging in the youth suite. I wish he was here instead, hanging out with his friends and most importantly hanging out here with his family.
We received a special gift tonight from a very special family. They gave us a book they thought the kids would enjoy. It is titled Ten Boys Who Made a Difference by Irene Howat. Well, this book has a special addition to it. In the back of the book, our friend added an 11th Boy. It is Chandler. There is a picture of him and a story about him and how he has made a difference. It is so special and I will cherish it forever. So, we're going to start reading about these 10 boys to Corben & Carlie and when we reach the end of the book, we'll read the story of their brother. Perfect! Thank you dear friends! We love and cherish you always!!
Chandler, I miss you terribly. I miss you more and more every day. I love you with all that is in me and I always will! Forever your mom.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Do not Despair!
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord. . . .Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage. (Psalm 27:13-14 NASB)
Do not despair!
Oh, how great the temptation is to despair at times! Our soul becomes depressed and disheartened, and our faith staggers under the severe trials and testing that come into our lives, especially during times of bereavement and suffering. We may come to the place where we say, "I cannot bear this any longer. I am close to despair under these circumstances God has allowed. He tells me not to despair, but what am I supposed to do when I am at this point?"
What have you done in the past when you felt weak physically? You could not do anything. You ceased from doing. In your weakness, you leaned on the shoulder of a strong loved one. You leaned completely on someone else and rested, becoming still, and trusting in another's strength.
It is the same when you are tempted to despair under spiritual afflictions. Once you have come close to the point of despair, God's message is not, "Be strong and courageous" (Josh. 1:6), for He knows that your strength and courage have run away. Instead, He says sweetly, "Be still, and know that I am God" (Ps. 46:10).
Hudson Taylor was so weak and feeble in the last few months of his life that he told a friend, "I am so weak I cannot write. I cannot read my Bible. I cannot even pray. All I can do is lie still in the arms of God as a little child, trusting Him." This wonderful man of God, who had great spiritual power, came to the point of physical suffering and weakness where all he could do was lie still and trust.
That is all God asks of you as His dear child. When you become weak through the fierce fires of affliction, do not try to "be strong." Just "be still, and know that [He is] God." And know that He will sustain you and bring you through the fire.
God reserves His best medicine for our times of deepest despair.
Be strong and take heart. Psalm 27:14
Be strong, He has not failed you
In all the past,
And will He go and leave you
To sink at last?
No, He said He will hide you
Beneath His wing;
And sweetly there in safety
You then may sing. selected
-Streams in the Desert
Do not despair!
Oh, how great the temptation is to despair at times! Our soul becomes depressed and disheartened, and our faith staggers under the severe trials and testing that come into our lives, especially during times of bereavement and suffering. We may come to the place where we say, "I cannot bear this any longer. I am close to despair under these circumstances God has allowed. He tells me not to despair, but what am I supposed to do when I am at this point?"
What have you done in the past when you felt weak physically? You could not do anything. You ceased from doing. In your weakness, you leaned on the shoulder of a strong loved one. You leaned completely on someone else and rested, becoming still, and trusting in another's strength.
It is the same when you are tempted to despair under spiritual afflictions. Once you have come close to the point of despair, God's message is not, "Be strong and courageous" (Josh. 1:6), for He knows that your strength and courage have run away. Instead, He says sweetly, "Be still, and know that I am God" (Ps. 46:10).
Hudson Taylor was so weak and feeble in the last few months of his life that he told a friend, "I am so weak I cannot write. I cannot read my Bible. I cannot even pray. All I can do is lie still in the arms of God as a little child, trusting Him." This wonderful man of God, who had great spiritual power, came to the point of physical suffering and weakness where all he could do was lie still and trust.
That is all God asks of you as His dear child. When you become weak through the fierce fires of affliction, do not try to "be strong." Just "be still, and know that [He is] God." And know that He will sustain you and bring you through the fire.
God reserves His best medicine for our times of deepest despair.
Be strong and take heart. Psalm 27:14
Be strong, He has not failed you
In all the past,
And will He go and leave you
To sink at last?
No, He said He will hide you
Beneath His wing;
And sweetly there in safety
You then may sing. selected
-Streams in the Desert
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's Day
Yesterday was a hard day for me. I cried a lot throughout the day. It's really the only thing I wanted to do. My mind was consumed with thoughts of Chandler and how much I miss him. I was also thinking about Mother's Day and wondering how am I going to get through it. I just didn't know how to be happy and celebrate being a mom when I can't have all of my kids with me.
After having such a rough day yesterday, we checked the mail. I received a very sweet card from a very special family. In that card, they included a picture of Chandler. I also received a package from a very dear friend of mine that I met while we were in Chesapeake years ago. We've been friends for many years. She also sent me a very sweet card and a gift. It was a dragonfly necklace. The perfect thing about the necklace is that it has a stone on it and it just happens to be a color very close to Chandler's birthstone. So, that just made it even more special. The timing in receiving these pieces of mail was perfect. It just reminded me of the people out there who are still continuing to lift us up in prayer. And, I felt like God was speaking to me through that mail as well. He let me know that He knows the bad days I'm having and he knows Mother's Day will be hard but He is still with me.
So, I woke up this morning (Mother's Day) to get ready for church. I was busy this morning so I didn't have much time to think. But, once we got into the car, I could feel it. I felt the pain. I could feel my broken heart.
I am a very proud mom. I've been blessed with the best kids ever. I love them all so much. So, on Mother's Day, I want to have them all with me. But, today, that's not possible. I can be with Caleb, Corben and Carlie but Chandler is in heaven along with 2 other siblings. Chandler is the only one of us who knows if the two other children in heaven are boys or girls. It's hard to celebrate a day like today without your children. Every day without Chandler is still hard. We're still trying to learn how to live our lives without him here with us. But, on days like today, it's like being slapped in the face. Reality really hits. It's Mother's Day and my son is not with me.
So, we went to church and I really dreaded running into people and hearing "Happy Mother's Day" so many times. The interesting thing is that I heard it a few times but not near as many times as I expected. It seemed like any time I walked down the hall, there weren't many people around. That was fine with me and I know it was a God thing. He knew I couldn't handle all of the people today. I did have some of Chandler's things with me today too. The other day I found a Mother's Day note that Chandler had written to me 10 years ago. I had it with me and a picture of him.
We went to lunch after church and then headed home. As soon as we got home, I changed clothes and went to my room. I got in my recliner and covered up with the Blanket of Hope that was loaned to us soon after Chandler's accident. I slept for hours. I felt like the longer I slept, the better off I would be. It was the easiest way to get through the day.
After I got up, Chad wanted to go for a scenic drive. I was not up for it at all. But, I went for the family. So, now it's evening time and the day is almost over. I've almost made it through another day which is all I can ask for. One day at a time is all I can face.
A couple of weeks ago, I ran across a poem and I thought it was fitting to put it on here today.
A Mother's Day Gift From God
Lord today is Mother's Day,
but my heart is split in two
Half of my heart is still here,
The other with my child that is there with you.
All the lovely presents
are a nice surprise
But the only thing I want most is missing,
And tears fill my eyes.
I know when you sent him Lord,
You didn't promise how long he would stay
All you said was to love him
And treasure each and every day.
But Lord it crushed my heart,
when you called for his return.
I really feel like half a Mum,
As I ache, weep, and yearn.
But Lord tell him I love him
Just as much as I did before.
And could you please make a window,
So he can see through heaven's floor
Let him see that he is missed
And thought of with each breath.
And that a Mother's love begins before life,
And does not end with death.
So on this Mother's Day,
The Greatest Gift "I Give To You"
For Lord I know you missed him,
And you love him too. -Author Unknown
I also want to add something else here. I found this a while back and I cry every time I read it.
My mom is a survivor, or so I have heard it said. But I can hear her crying when all others are in bed. I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand. She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand. Like the sands upon the beach that never wash away, I watch over my surviving mom....who thinks of me each day. She wears a smile for others. . . .A smile of disguise, but through heaven's open door I see tears flowing from her eyes. My mom tries to cope with my death to keep my memory alive, but to anyone who knows her, knows it's her way to survive. As I watch over my surviving mom through heaven's open door. . . .I try to tell her Angels protect me forevermore. I know that doesn't help her, or ease the burden she bears. So if you get a chance, talk to her, please show her that you care. For no matter what she says. . .No matter what she feels, my surviving mom has a broken heart that time may never heal.
My Dear Chandler, I've spent my first Mother's Day without you here with us and I will tell you that it hasn't been pleasant. It's hard to celebrate such a special day and not have you with me. I always look forward to receiving the home made cards y'all make me or the videos. I love the video y'all did for me last year. I'm so glad y'all made it for me. I still have it and will cherish it forever. You were my first born so you taught me how to be a mom. I had never loved any one so deeply before you were born. I think of you every day and I miss you so much that it hurts. I love you Chandler, always and forever. I look forward to the day that we can see other again and be in the presence of the Lord together. All my love, Mom
I also want to share my devotion for today which was a good one for me on this day.
Walking around in the fire. (Daniel 3:25)
When Shadrach, Meshack, and Abednego were thrown into the furnace, the fire did not stop them from moving, for they were seen "walking around." Actually, the fire was one of the streets they traveled to their destination. The comfort we have from Christ's revealed truth is not that it teaches us freedom from sorrow but that it teaches us freedom through sorrow.
O dear God, when darkness overshadows me, teach me that I am merely traveling through a tunnel. It will then be enough for me to know that someday it will be all right.
I have been told that someday I will stand at the top of the Mount of Olives and experience the height of resurrection glory. But heavenly Father, I want more--I want Calvary to lead up to it. I want to know that the shadows of darkness are the shade on a road--the road leading to Your heavenly house. Teach me that the reason I must climb the hill is because Your house is there! Knowing this, I will not be hurt by sorrow, if I will only walk in the fire. George Matheson
"The road is too rough," I said;
"It is uphill all the way;
No flowers, but thorns instead;
And the skies overhead are gray."
But One took my hand at the entrance dim,
And sweet is the road that I walk with Him.
"The cross is too great," I cried --
"More than the back can bear,
So rough and heavy and wide,
And nobody near to care."
And One stopped softly and touched my hand:
"I know, I care. And I understand."
Then why do we fret and cry;
Cross-bearers all we go:
But the road ends by and by
In the dearest place we know,
And every step in the journey we
May take in the Lord's own company.
After having such a rough day yesterday, we checked the mail. I received a very sweet card from a very special family. In that card, they included a picture of Chandler. I also received a package from a very dear friend of mine that I met while we were in Chesapeake years ago. We've been friends for many years. She also sent me a very sweet card and a gift. It was a dragonfly necklace. The perfect thing about the necklace is that it has a stone on it and it just happens to be a color very close to Chandler's birthstone. So, that just made it even more special. The timing in receiving these pieces of mail was perfect. It just reminded me of the people out there who are still continuing to lift us up in prayer. And, I felt like God was speaking to me through that mail as well. He let me know that He knows the bad days I'm having and he knows Mother's Day will be hard but He is still with me.
So, I woke up this morning (Mother's Day) to get ready for church. I was busy this morning so I didn't have much time to think. But, once we got into the car, I could feel it. I felt the pain. I could feel my broken heart.
I am a very proud mom. I've been blessed with the best kids ever. I love them all so much. So, on Mother's Day, I want to have them all with me. But, today, that's not possible. I can be with Caleb, Corben and Carlie but Chandler is in heaven along with 2 other siblings. Chandler is the only one of us who knows if the two other children in heaven are boys or girls. It's hard to celebrate a day like today without your children. Every day without Chandler is still hard. We're still trying to learn how to live our lives without him here with us. But, on days like today, it's like being slapped in the face. Reality really hits. It's Mother's Day and my son is not with me.
So, we went to church and I really dreaded running into people and hearing "Happy Mother's Day" so many times. The interesting thing is that I heard it a few times but not near as many times as I expected. It seemed like any time I walked down the hall, there weren't many people around. That was fine with me and I know it was a God thing. He knew I couldn't handle all of the people today. I did have some of Chandler's things with me today too. The other day I found a Mother's Day note that Chandler had written to me 10 years ago. I had it with me and a picture of him.
We went to lunch after church and then headed home. As soon as we got home, I changed clothes and went to my room. I got in my recliner and covered up with the Blanket of Hope that was loaned to us soon after Chandler's accident. I slept for hours. I felt like the longer I slept, the better off I would be. It was the easiest way to get through the day.
After I got up, Chad wanted to go for a scenic drive. I was not up for it at all. But, I went for the family. So, now it's evening time and the day is almost over. I've almost made it through another day which is all I can ask for. One day at a time is all I can face.
A couple of weeks ago, I ran across a poem and I thought it was fitting to put it on here today.
A Mother's Day Gift From God
Lord today is Mother's Day,
but my heart is split in two
Half of my heart is still here,
The other with my child that is there with you.
All the lovely presents
are a nice surprise
But the only thing I want most is missing,
And tears fill my eyes.
I know when you sent him Lord,
You didn't promise how long he would stay
All you said was to love him
And treasure each and every day.
But Lord it crushed my heart,
when you called for his return.
I really feel like half a Mum,
As I ache, weep, and yearn.
But Lord tell him I love him
Just as much as I did before.
And could you please make a window,
So he can see through heaven's floor
Let him see that he is missed
And thought of with each breath.
And that a Mother's love begins before life,
And does not end with death.
So on this Mother's Day,
The Greatest Gift "I Give To You"
For Lord I know you missed him,
And you love him too. -Author Unknown
I also want to add something else here. I found this a while back and I cry every time I read it.
My mom is a survivor, or so I have heard it said. But I can hear her crying when all others are in bed. I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand. She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand. Like the sands upon the beach that never wash away, I watch over my surviving mom....who thinks of me each day. She wears a smile for others. . . .A smile of disguise, but through heaven's open door I see tears flowing from her eyes. My mom tries to cope with my death to keep my memory alive, but to anyone who knows her, knows it's her way to survive. As I watch over my surviving mom through heaven's open door. . . .I try to tell her Angels protect me forevermore. I know that doesn't help her, or ease the burden she bears. So if you get a chance, talk to her, please show her that you care. For no matter what she says. . .No matter what she feels, my surviving mom has a broken heart that time may never heal.
My Dear Chandler, I've spent my first Mother's Day without you here with us and I will tell you that it hasn't been pleasant. It's hard to celebrate such a special day and not have you with me. I always look forward to receiving the home made cards y'all make me or the videos. I love the video y'all did for me last year. I'm so glad y'all made it for me. I still have it and will cherish it forever. You were my first born so you taught me how to be a mom. I had never loved any one so deeply before you were born. I think of you every day and I miss you so much that it hurts. I love you Chandler, always and forever. I look forward to the day that we can see other again and be in the presence of the Lord together. All my love, Mom
I also want to share my devotion for today which was a good one for me on this day.
Walking around in the fire. (Daniel 3:25)
When Shadrach, Meshack, and Abednego were thrown into the furnace, the fire did not stop them from moving, for they were seen "walking around." Actually, the fire was one of the streets they traveled to their destination. The comfort we have from Christ's revealed truth is not that it teaches us freedom from sorrow but that it teaches us freedom through sorrow.
O dear God, when darkness overshadows me, teach me that I am merely traveling through a tunnel. It will then be enough for me to know that someday it will be all right.
I have been told that someday I will stand at the top of the Mount of Olives and experience the height of resurrection glory. But heavenly Father, I want more--I want Calvary to lead up to it. I want to know that the shadows of darkness are the shade on a road--the road leading to Your heavenly house. Teach me that the reason I must climb the hill is because Your house is there! Knowing this, I will not be hurt by sorrow, if I will only walk in the fire. George Matheson
"The road is too rough," I said;
"It is uphill all the way;
No flowers, but thorns instead;
And the skies overhead are gray."
But One took my hand at the entrance dim,
And sweet is the road that I walk with Him.
"The cross is too great," I cried --
"More than the back can bear,
So rough and heavy and wide,
And nobody near to care."
And One stopped softly and touched my hand:
"I know, I care. And I understand."
Then why do we fret and cry;
Cross-bearers all we go:
But the road ends by and by
In the dearest place we know,
And every step in the journey we
May take in the Lord's own company.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Stolen Identity
Yesterday, I was reading through a new book that was given to me. One particular thing I read yesterday meant something to me because I've thought about it many times. There are times when I question "could I have done something to prevent Chandler's accident?" "What if I had done this differently?" But, I also know that God gives and takes life. So, could I have really changed anything that happened that day, November 13? I haven't read any scripture yet about this until yesterday. One of the verses the author mentions is Job 14: 5. It says, "Man's days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed." Another verse comes from Psalm 139:16. It says, "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." So, based on these verses, Chandler's life here on earth was supposed to last 16 years. There is nothing I could have done to prevent his accident. God gave Chandler to us on Nov. 9, 1994 and He took him back on Nov. 14, 2010. Even though I know this, it doesn't mean I like it. I still wonder and ask God "why just 16 years?" I don't want to out live my children. I want to see them all grow up. There are so many things I want to see my children do and experience. I know that nothing this side of heaven can compare to what Chandler is experiencing now. But, for me (a mom), I'm missing out on things with Chandler. That's what hurts so badly! I almost wish you could know when you're born the days that you'll live here on earth. If I had known that I only had 16 years with Chandler, I would have done some things differently. I would have done more.
I was reading in another book today and it was talking about "stolen identity". I've thought about this as well. The author writes "one consequence of your child's death is that your identity has changed, but you may not be aware of it for a while. It is not a choice you have made; rather, it was imposed on you from the outside. Your identity has been stolen. You're still the person you were before your child died, but others see and identify you differently. Instead of being Mrs. Anderson or Elaine, you are now 'the mother of that boy who died'. It's not fair, but for a time, you'll be known by your loss." --David W. Wiersbe Gone but Not Lost Grieving the Death of A Child
This is so true. When I look in the mirror, I even see myself differently. I see a bereaved parent looking back at me. I see sadness in my face. I don't see what I used to see. If I see myself differently, I know others do. When I walk down the halls of church, I think of the book "The Scarlet Letter". I feel like I have a scarlet letter on my forehead or my shirt or something. I feel like people see me and they think to themselves "there she is - the mother who lost her child". I know it's true and it's understandable. The worst thing ever has happened to our family. We've had to bury our child. It's every parent's worst nightmare.
On a different note, I had to take Caleb to the orthodontist this morning and then I had some errands to run. One of the things I had to do was take some contacts back to the eye doctor that I recently ordered. My prescription was messed up so I have to get new ones. Anyway, my eye doctor is not far from the hospital where Chandler was taken. So, as I'm driving there, I get the most anxious feeling. I mean my heart starts beating faster, I feel sick to my stomach and I just want to break down and cry. I didn't even see the hospital at all. But, the road I was on was the road we had to drive on the day we went to the hospital. It just gives me a terrible feeling.
When we got home today, I was looking through my closet trying to find some things. I knew that Chandler and Caleb's baby books were in my closet somewhere and I wanted to find them. I did find them, along with some other stuff. I found some old crafts and things that were made by Chandler and Caleb. I was obviously crying as I looked through the stuff. But, one thing in particular got to me. It was a little book that Chandler had made back in '99. He was only 4 years old. The title on the front is "My Best Friend". On the first page Chandler wrote "my best friend is Caleb". Oh my goodness, that really got to me. Chandler really loved his brother. They really were best buddies. They were only 13 months apart and they were always together. Anytime their names were mentioned, they were always mentioned together, "Chandler and Caleb". I showed Caleb the little book that I found. He liked it. Of course he said "why do you keep all of this stuff?" I said, "what if I didn't keep all of this stuff? Look what I have here because I've kept it". He said "true".
We also printed some pictures of Chandler and put in the kids room today. Of course, I went in Corben's room to see where he put his. He has a picture of Chandler in one frame sitting on his bedside table and beside it is Chandler's drawing of "Jesus and me". Carlie put here pictures on the shelf at the head of her bed. She has pictures of her and Chandler together and then one of Chandler's drawings in another frame. It's hard to see the pictures in their room, knowing that they don't have their oldest brother here with them anymore. They have to rely on his pictures and his things and the memories they have.
The other day Corben and Carlie were playing with the magnets on our refrigerator. They spelled out Chandler's name. I loved it so we're keeping it there.
I was reading in another book today and it was talking about "stolen identity". I've thought about this as well. The author writes "one consequence of your child's death is that your identity has changed, but you may not be aware of it for a while. It is not a choice you have made; rather, it was imposed on you from the outside. Your identity has been stolen. You're still the person you were before your child died, but others see and identify you differently. Instead of being Mrs. Anderson or Elaine, you are now 'the mother of that boy who died'. It's not fair, but for a time, you'll be known by your loss." --David W. Wiersbe Gone but Not Lost Grieving the Death of A Child
This is so true. When I look in the mirror, I even see myself differently. I see a bereaved parent looking back at me. I see sadness in my face. I don't see what I used to see. If I see myself differently, I know others do. When I walk down the halls of church, I think of the book "The Scarlet Letter". I feel like I have a scarlet letter on my forehead or my shirt or something. I feel like people see me and they think to themselves "there she is - the mother who lost her child". I know it's true and it's understandable. The worst thing ever has happened to our family. We've had to bury our child. It's every parent's worst nightmare.
On a different note, I had to take Caleb to the orthodontist this morning and then I had some errands to run. One of the things I had to do was take some contacts back to the eye doctor that I recently ordered. My prescription was messed up so I have to get new ones. Anyway, my eye doctor is not far from the hospital where Chandler was taken. So, as I'm driving there, I get the most anxious feeling. I mean my heart starts beating faster, I feel sick to my stomach and I just want to break down and cry. I didn't even see the hospital at all. But, the road I was on was the road we had to drive on the day we went to the hospital. It just gives me a terrible feeling.
When we got home today, I was looking through my closet trying to find some things. I knew that Chandler and Caleb's baby books were in my closet somewhere and I wanted to find them. I did find them, along with some other stuff. I found some old crafts and things that were made by Chandler and Caleb. I was obviously crying as I looked through the stuff. But, one thing in particular got to me. It was a little book that Chandler had made back in '99. He was only 4 years old. The title on the front is "My Best Friend". On the first page Chandler wrote "my best friend is Caleb". Oh my goodness, that really got to me. Chandler really loved his brother. They really were best buddies. They were only 13 months apart and they were always together. Anytime their names were mentioned, they were always mentioned together, "Chandler and Caleb". I showed Caleb the little book that I found. He liked it. Of course he said "why do you keep all of this stuff?" I said, "what if I didn't keep all of this stuff? Look what I have here because I've kept it". He said "true".
We also printed some pictures of Chandler and put in the kids room today. Of course, I went in Corben's room to see where he put his. He has a picture of Chandler in one frame sitting on his bedside table and beside it is Chandler's drawing of "Jesus and me". Carlie put here pictures on the shelf at the head of her bed. She has pictures of her and Chandler together and then one of Chandler's drawings in another frame. It's hard to see the pictures in their room, knowing that they don't have their oldest brother here with them anymore. They have to rely on his pictures and his things and the memories they have.
The other day Corben and Carlie were playing with the magnets on our refrigerator. They spelled out Chandler's name. I loved it so we're keeping it there.
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