Hurting

Each and every day is still so hard.  The pain is still so fresh.  I continue to cry every day.  But, a few days ago, I could feel a change in myself - not for the better.  I felt very blah.  Then, yesterday, it hit.  We were all home  enjoying a lazy Saturday.  We had eaten lunch together.  Then, Chad went back to our room to sit in the recliner and rest.  Caleb was in his room.  Corben and Carlie were doing something at the computer.  I was cleaning up the kitchen from lunch and just lost it.  The tears came so easy.  I sat on the couch and continued to cry.  My heart aches so badly with Chandler being gone.  I miss him so much!  I want him here with us.  People say, "time heals".  Well, I disagree with that statement.  Time may make it easier to deal with the pain that you live with everyday but it does not heal.  There is nothing that can heal my broken heart from losing my son!  It hurt the day Chandler went to be with the Lord and it hurts now!  I think it hurts even worse because so much time has passed and I miss him more and more every day. 

I didn't even go to church today because I didn't want to be around people.  I just knew that I wouldn't be able to handle it today.  I didn't want to pretend to be okay.  I couldn't answer the question today "how are you doing?"  So, I'm home today and I kept the little ones here with me.

Another painful moment yesterday was when Carlie said something.  She grabbed a pencil to do something and asked "is this Chandler's pencil?"  It was a mechanical pencil  and she knew that Chandler liked to use mechanical pencils.  I always bought new packs of them before the new school year started.  The thing that got to me was that Carlie misses Chandler so  much that she's hoping she has found one of Chandler's pencils.  Like me, she just wants anything of his that she can get her hands one.  Just having one of his pencils in her hands is comforting in some way.  Right now, she's sitting here beside me looking through one of Chandler's photo albums that she found in his room a while ago.  She's sitting here showing me old pictures of herself, Chandler, Caleb and Corben.  It's just so heartbreaking to be on this journey we're on.  It seems so wrong to not have one of my children here.  It's wrong that my kids are missing their brother. 

On top of my own grief, I keep hearing of stories of teens involved in accidents and who have died.  Because of my situation, those stories hit hard for me.  I know what the families are going through and I know it's the most difficult things ever!  I just heard of a story yesterday about some people back home in Alabama.  It just breaks my heart.

Then, about an hour ago, I got word from our dear friend who we met in Wake Forest.  He said his mom had gone to be with the Lord.  Now, the fact that she's with the Lord is great news.  But, I know the pain on this end.  I know the loss they are experiencing.  They are going to miss their loved one.  So, when I got the news, I just thought "Lord, can't you just come back already?"  There is just so much pain here on this side of heaven.