Random

This blog is going to be a little random.  It's not about anything specific.  I just haven't written in a few days and feel like I need to - for me.  I need to record a few things that have happened lately. 

I've had lots of opportunity to "miss someone" over my lifetime.  I've lived away from family for 21 years now.  But, there is nothing compared to the way I miss Chandler.  It seems to be all I think about lately.  There is such an ache in me.  I want so badly to see his face.  Of course, I can see his face daily when I look at the pictures I have of him.  But, I want his physical body here.  It hurts not to hear his voice each day. 

I was in the kitchen today and I started thinking about some of the little things that have changed since Chandler has been gone.  We don't go through milk as fast as we used to.  I don't make sweet tea as often as I used to.  There is less laundry.  I used to buy breakfast bars every time I went to the store.  But, I don't have to do that any more.  These are just a few things I've noticed lately.  And, I really hate those changes.  As much as I hate the piles of laundry I have to do, I would love to be washing and folding Chandler's clothes.  I never thought I would miss doing someones laundry so much. 

On our way to church yesterday morning, I put in a Newsboys CD.  Newsboys was one of Chandler's favorite bands.  Whenever I hear their music, I automatically think of Chandler.  The car was quiet and we were just listening to the music and I started crying.  Carlie was in the back playing with Barbie dolls.  She also had her Ken doll with her.  She called my name to get my attention and she said "his face looks like Chandler's".  She was looking at her doll and could see Chandler in him.  I thought to myself "she must really miss Chandler".  We all do!

There have been a lot of times lately that I see Chandler in Corben.  They are similar in a lot of ways.  Corben was laying on the couch last night.  He didn't have socks on.  I looked at his feet and they reminded me so much of Chandler's.  I appreciate the things I see in Corben that remind me of Chandler but it sure does make me miss Chandler even more when I notice those things.   I've even looked at Caleb a few time lately and could see Chandler.  They have always been so opposite.  But, I've noticed as Caleb gets older that I can really see the resemblance.

I still find myself shocked at what has happened.  I was vacuuming today and started thinking "he's gone".   It's so hard to wrap my head around that.  It seems so hard to believe sometimes.  I mean, I can still see him walking out our front door that day as if it just happened.  But, it's almost been 3 months now.  I hate that!  3 long months since Chandler has been home with us! 

We recently got a new vehicle.  It's not brand new but it's new to us.  We got it registered 11 days ago but got temporary license plates because I wanted them personalized.  Well, the new plates came in the mail today.  I just looked at the package for a minute because I new what was inside.  We got Organ Donor plates with Chandler's name on it.  Of course, we couldn't spell out his whole name.  As emotional as it was to open those plates and look at them - I am so happy to have Chandler's name on my car and to be able to get people consider organ donation when they see my plates.

Chad called LifeNet the other day to talk to a lady about how we can get in contact with the donor recipients.  We can't just get the names and put a letter in the mail.  There are ways to do it.  We can begin to write letters but we won't can't include any personal information at this time.  We can't tell where we live, what hospital Chandler was in, our last name, etc.  We also have to send the letters through LifeNet and they will get it to the recipients.  We are looking forward to starting this process and receiving some kind of word from the families who have benefited from Chandler's organs.  We've also been made aware of weekend getaways that LifeNet offers to Donor families.  They have one coming up in July where you come spend a weekend with other Donor families and they provide all the the supplies necessary to make a scrap book of your loved one.  We are hoping to get involved in things like that. 

I'm still just trying to get through a day at a time.  It's all I can do.  I'm still so appreciative of those who are still thinking of us and lifting us up in prayer.  It's going to be a long recovery time.  You can't just say goodbye to your child and be okay in a few months.  It's not possible.  We will always miss Chandler and we'll always be heartbroken that he's not here with us.  We will always have this ache in our hearts.  We just have to learn how to live with these broken hearts that we have and that is a hard thing to do. 

I love you and miss you so much Chandler!