Grieving the loss of a child is a difficult thing to do. It's very tiring emotionally, physically and spiritually. We lost Chandler (Strike that! I hate saying that. I feel like when I say that it's like I've been to the store and somehow lost my son and couldn't find him. I feel horrible when say that. It makes me feel like a bad parent or something). So I'll say, it has been over 3 months since Chandler went to heaven and it is still so hard. Even after these 3 long months, I sometimes can't believe it has happened. Several times over the past few days, including today, I'll be going about my business and just start crying. I think to myself "Chandler is not coming back. He's gone forever". That is still so hard for me to comprehend. Even though it is still so hard to believe this has happened to our family, I believe reality is starting to set in. He is really gone. I know I've said it before and I'll say it again. "I HATE THIS" I hate that our family is broken. It's so obvious that Chandler is not here. You can just feel it. We sit in our home and watch a movie and Chandler is not here. We drive away to go somewhere and he's not in the car. We watch Corben play basketball and Chandler is not there to cheer him on. We are missing him whenever we do anything.
On Wednesday, we're going to Alabama to visit my family for a few days. I look forward to visiting family. I always love going "home". But, this trip is so different. I'm going home without Chandler for the first time since he was born. For 16 years, he's been going on trips to Alabama. He loves going there. He loves visiting his family. He loves his cousins. They always have the best time together. I've cried many tears already just thinking about going on this trip without him. The thought of driving out of our driveway Wednesday morning without Chandler in the car with us is painful! The thought of seeing my family when I get there and everyone climbing out of the car for hugs except Chandler is painful! The thought of seeing my handsome nephews and my beautiful niece and not bringing their cousin Chandler with me is so painful! I'll definitely be in prayer a lot over the next several days. God has to be with me during this trip. I can't do this by myself.
I was packing some things today for the trip and ended up crying my way through most of it. I can just be doing things and then my thoughts go to Chandler and the tears come. I just think about how I miss him so much. I think about "forever" on earth without him and I don't like how that feels. Life without Chandler is so different. Life without Chandler is not as enjoyable as it used to be. I know I have other children and I love them more than life and I enjoy being around them and doing things with them. I don't mean that Chandler is what made life so great. Life is not as enjoyable because when Chandler went to heaven, he took a huge part of me with him. My life has changed because I have changed. I don't feel whole anymore. I feel so broken. I know our loss is still so fresh. It's obvious from talking to other grieving parents that it does get better. You never get over the loss. You never get over the pain. You learn to live with it. Well, I'm not there yet. I haven't learned how to live with the pain. I still feel it and it is intense!
I was in my closet today looking for something. I was looking through a box of frames with pictures in them that used to hang on the wall. I was trying to find a frame to use for something. Anyway, I picked up something in the bottom of the box. Carlie happened to walk in there when I was going through the stuff. When I picked the "something" up, I looked at it and smiled and then started bawling. I showed it to Carlie and told her what it was. It's such a "Chandler thing". It was just a piece of paper folded up with duct tape wrapped all around it and written in marker, it says "Chandler's bookmark". He made a bookmark with paper and duct tape. That is so "Chandler". He had such a sense of humor. To me, that bookmark was so funny but it broke my heart. It broke my heart because I miss his sense of humor so much. I miss his laughter. I miss him making me laugh.
Chad and the kids started watching a movie earlier so I decided I would take a long, hot bath. I locked myself in my bathroom and just laid back in the tub and cried and talked to God. I just needed to talk to Him and let him know how badly I hurt. I let Him know that I do not like what has happened. I still wonder why He had to take Chandler. I know I probably won't get an answer but it does me no good to keep those thoughts inside. God is so many things to me and one of those things is a Friend. So, sometimes, I have to talk to Him as I would a Friend.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Amazing love
Once again, God has shown His love to us by using His people. We just had someone knock on our door. It's a neighbor that lives several houses down our street. I've only met her one time and that was about a year ago. She is a stay at home mom who also home schools her children. She told me today that the neighbor that lives beside her is also a home school mom. Well, they just found out the news about Chandler. She came to give her condolences and tell me that she and her neighbor want to provide a meal for us. She asked about next Tuesday. Tuesdays happen to be a great day for food to be prepared because we are gone most of the day and I don't come home and prepare a meal. We eat left overs or whatever we can find. So, the day they picked couldn't have been any more perfect. Thank you Lord!
On another note, my devotion today was another good one. I've also read some other things today that spoke to me.
And there came a lion. (1 Samuel 17:34 KJV)
It is a source of inspiration and strength to us to remember how the youthful David trusted God. Through his faith in the Lord, he defeated a lion and a bear and later overthrew the mighty Goliath. When the lion came to destroy his flock, it came as a wonderful opportunity for David. If he had faltered and failed, he would have missed God's opportunity for him and probably would never have been the Lord's chosen king of Israel.
"And there came a lion." Normally we think of a lion not as a special blessing from the Lord but only as a reason for alarm. Yet the lion was God's opportunity in disguise. Every difficulty and every temptation that comes our way, if we receive it correctly, is God's opportunity.
When a "lion" comes to your life, recognize it as an opportunity from the Lord, no matter how fierce it may outwardly seem. Even the tabernacle of God was covered with badger skins and goat hair. No one would think there would be any glory there, yet the Shechinah glory of God was very evident underneath the covering. May the Lord open our eyes to see Him, even in temptations, trials, dangers, and misfortunes. C. H. P.
There is definitely a huge "lion" in our life that we are dealing with. In our case, the lion will never go away. We've got to learn to live with our lion. There are days when God makes it a little more bearable because He makes it clear to me that He is with me. He uses other people to bless us in some way. He speaks through His word. Then, there are days when I question if God is with me on that particular day. The pain is more intense. I haven't received a Word from the Lord that day. I sometimes don't feel His comfort. But, even on those difficult days, I'm going to trust Him. Lord, help me to see this trial we're in to be an "opportunity from the Lord". Help me to be faithful. Help me to continue to trust in you. When the day comes and I meet you face to face, I want to hear "well done". And, when they day comes, I'm hoping Chandler is standing there near me and says "Mom, you're Da Bomb!"
Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you.
I've called your name. You're mine.
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.
When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you're between a rock and a hard place,
it won't be a dead end-
because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you. . .!
That's how much you mean to me!
That's how much I love you!
-Isaiah 43:1-4 The Message
Swim through your troubles. Run to the promises, they are our Lord's branches hanging over the waters so that His children may take a grip of them. -Samuel Rutherford
He writes in characters too grand
for our short sight to understand.
We catch but broken strokes
and try to fathom all the withered hopes
Of death, of life,
the endless war, the useless strife. . . .
But there, with larger, clearer sight, we shall see this:
His way is right.
-John Oxenham
I asked for strength that I might achieve;
I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey.
I asked for health that I might do greater things;
I was given infirmity that I might do better things.
I asked for riches that I might be wise.
I asked for power that I might feel the need of God.
I asked for all things that I might enjoy all things.
I got nothing that I asked for,
But everything that I had hoped for.
Almost despite myself my unspoken prayers were answered;
I am, among all people, most richly blessed.
-Unknown Confederate Soldier
We shall come one day to a heaven where we shall gratefully know that God's great refusals were sometimes the true answers to our truest prayer. -P. T. Forsyth
Do not be afraid to enter the cloud that is settling down on your life. God is in it. The other side is radiant with His glory. -L. B. Cowman
All of these things I've read today make me realize how much God loves us. He may not answer our prayers the way we want Him to but there is a reason for that. He knows what's best and He loves us. He may put us through a huge trial but there is an opportunity in disguise there because He loves us. A cloud may be over us right now but God is there. On the other side of that cloud is His glory because He loves us. He paid a huge price for us because He loves us. His love is amazing!
On another note, my devotion today was another good one. I've also read some other things today that spoke to me.
And there came a lion. (1 Samuel 17:34 KJV)
It is a source of inspiration and strength to us to remember how the youthful David trusted God. Through his faith in the Lord, he defeated a lion and a bear and later overthrew the mighty Goliath. When the lion came to destroy his flock, it came as a wonderful opportunity for David. If he had faltered and failed, he would have missed God's opportunity for him and probably would never have been the Lord's chosen king of Israel.
"And there came a lion." Normally we think of a lion not as a special blessing from the Lord but only as a reason for alarm. Yet the lion was God's opportunity in disguise. Every difficulty and every temptation that comes our way, if we receive it correctly, is God's opportunity.
When a "lion" comes to your life, recognize it as an opportunity from the Lord, no matter how fierce it may outwardly seem. Even the tabernacle of God was covered with badger skins and goat hair. No one would think there would be any glory there, yet the Shechinah glory of God was very evident underneath the covering. May the Lord open our eyes to see Him, even in temptations, trials, dangers, and misfortunes. C. H. P.
There is definitely a huge "lion" in our life that we are dealing with. In our case, the lion will never go away. We've got to learn to live with our lion. There are days when God makes it a little more bearable because He makes it clear to me that He is with me. He uses other people to bless us in some way. He speaks through His word. Then, there are days when I question if God is with me on that particular day. The pain is more intense. I haven't received a Word from the Lord that day. I sometimes don't feel His comfort. But, even on those difficult days, I'm going to trust Him. Lord, help me to see this trial we're in to be an "opportunity from the Lord". Help me to be faithful. Help me to continue to trust in you. When the day comes and I meet you face to face, I want to hear "well done". And, when they day comes, I'm hoping Chandler is standing there near me and says "Mom, you're Da Bomb!"
Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you.
I've called your name. You're mine.
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.
When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you're between a rock and a hard place,
it won't be a dead end-
because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you. . .!
That's how much you mean to me!
That's how much I love you!
-Isaiah 43:1-4 The Message
Swim through your troubles. Run to the promises, they are our Lord's branches hanging over the waters so that His children may take a grip of them. -Samuel Rutherford
He writes in characters too grand
for our short sight to understand.
We catch but broken strokes
and try to fathom all the withered hopes
Of death, of life,
the endless war, the useless strife. . . .
But there, with larger, clearer sight, we shall see this:
His way is right.
-John Oxenham
I asked for strength that I might achieve;
I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey.
I asked for health that I might do greater things;
I was given infirmity that I might do better things.
I asked for riches that I might be wise.
I asked for power that I might feel the need of God.
I asked for all things that I might enjoy all things.
I got nothing that I asked for,
But everything that I had hoped for.
Almost despite myself my unspoken prayers were answered;
I am, among all people, most richly blessed.
-Unknown Confederate Soldier
We shall come one day to a heaven where we shall gratefully know that God's great refusals were sometimes the true answers to our truest prayer. -P. T. Forsyth
Do not be afraid to enter the cloud that is settling down on your life. God is in it. The other side is radiant with His glory. -L. B. Cowman
All of these things I've read today make me realize how much God loves us. He may not answer our prayers the way we want Him to but there is a reason for that. He knows what's best and He loves us. He may put us through a huge trial but there is an opportunity in disguise there because He loves us. A cloud may be over us right now but God is there. On the other side of that cloud is His glory because He loves us. He paid a huge price for us because He loves us. His love is amazing!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
In Awe
As time seems to keep ticking, Chad and I have discussed the fact that as much as we will continue to hurt and grieve for a long time, other people will go on with their lives and won't think about our loss forever or the pain that we're in. I know that is true. Six months from now, it is likely that people won't give us a thought. But 6 months from now, I'm still going to feel the the ache in my heart. I'm still going to be living a life without one of my children. I'm not saying this because it bothers me that people will go on with their lives and not give us a second thought. I'm saying this because today I'm in awe again at the love that people continue to bestow on us. It's been a little over 3 months since Chandler went to heaven. But, once again, God used others to help us smile today. A lady from our church gave us a gift today. She brought it to the church and told Chad not to look at it until I was with him. So, I met Chad this afternoon and we went to the car. I lifted the paper up off the gift and there was a beautiful dragonfly to hang in our home. Obviously since I ran across the dragonfly story, I am a fan of dragonflies now. When I see a dragonfly, I think of Chandler. So, I was so touched that this wonderful, sweet lady would give us such a special gift.
When I got home this afternoon, I had a small package that came in the mail. I didn't recognize the return address so I knew that it wasn't something I had ordered. There was a personal name on the return address but it was a business name. I opened it and there was a card inside. It was from someone who knows my sister. She had shared my blog with her. She read it. She sent me a note and also a gift of personalized cards with a cross and my name underneath. I was just in awe reading this card and looking at this special gift. This was from someone that doesn't know me. Someone that doesn't know me took the time to send me a note and a gift. That amazes me! Corben and Carlie were with me when I read the card. They knew that I didn't know who it was from. One of them said "are you still getting notes because of Chandler?" I said "yes". So, even my little ones are seeing the kindness from others. God continues to be so good to us. He continues to use His people to show His love for us. The thoughts and prayers still mean so much to us. We are so thankful for the love, support, thoughts, prayers and generosity that so many people are sending our way.
Thank you Lord for surrounding us with such special, amazing people.
When I got home this afternoon, I had a small package that came in the mail. I didn't recognize the return address so I knew that it wasn't something I had ordered. There was a personal name on the return address but it was a business name. I opened it and there was a card inside. It was from someone who knows my sister. She had shared my blog with her. She read it. She sent me a note and also a gift of personalized cards with a cross and my name underneath. I was just in awe reading this card and looking at this special gift. This was from someone that doesn't know me. Someone that doesn't know me took the time to send me a note and a gift. That amazes me! Corben and Carlie were with me when I read the card. They knew that I didn't know who it was from. One of them said "are you still getting notes because of Chandler?" I said "yes". So, even my little ones are seeing the kindness from others. God continues to be so good to us. He continues to use His people to show His love for us. The thoughts and prayers still mean so much to us. We are so thankful for the love, support, thoughts, prayers and generosity that so many people are sending our way.
Thank you Lord for surrounding us with such special, amazing people.
Friday, February 18, 2011
A poem from Chandler
Today has been a sad one for me. We woke up this morning and Chad was getting clothes out of his closet and he brought a pair of jeans to me and said "these are Chandler's". They were just a pair of his jeans that he worked in. They have paint on them and are just worn out. But, when I see those jeans, I see Chandler. I took them from him, held them and then folded them. When I took them from him, I wanted to be able to take them to Chandler so badly and say "here's a pair of your jeans". But, I can't do that.
I had a hair appointment this morning so I headed out pretty early today. Once I started driving down the road a song came on the radio that I love. Some of the words are "Jesus, please come, please come today." It was so fitting for today. I certainly need Jesus today. So, I just cried this morning as I drove to my hair appointment. When I left the beauty shop today, I went to the store to print some pictures of Chandler. We have 2 frames that I want to put pictures in and get hung on the wall. It's the kind of frame that holds several different pictures. When I left the store to drive home, the tears started to fall again. I've thought a lot today about how "real" this is. It's so hard to fathom that I will never see Chandler on this side of heaven again. That kills me! It's so hard to comprehend that. It's been 3 months and it already seems like forever. How do I go through the rest of my life on this earth without him here? The pain is just still so intense. I talked to God on that ride home today. I was honest with Him. I told Him how hard this was and that it sucks!
I just finished putting the pictures in the frames. The middle photo needed to be a 5 x 7 and I wasn't aware of that. So, I went to my closet to go through some pictures to find one to put in the frame for now. I ended up choosing one of me and Chandler. He's only 2 1/2 months old in the picture. It's not my favorite picture of me but I love the picture of us together. We are both looking at each other. I'm smiling and he's looking up at me and he also has a little smile. You can just feel the love when you're looking at that picture. In the process of looking for a picture I found a few other things. One of them is a poem to me from Chandler. It's printed on paper that has a border around it. I took the poem to Chad to read and as soon as I handed it to him, I realized one of the things that was on the border. It's a dragonfly! I couldn't help but cry again. Chad noticed it too. There are butterflies and flowers around the border but only one dragonfly. How perfect!
Here's the poem:
My mom is so sweet
She's good at cooking meat
She washes the dishes
She doesn't make messes
She vacuums the house
She screams when she sees a mouse
She takes care of Corben
She usually wears a turban
She has blond hair
She likes eating a pear
I think
She likes pink
My mom is the best
She is not a pest
She likes weenie dogs
But she doesn't like hogs
Day by day
She gets sweeter
Hour by hour
She gets neater
I love you more than a pie
Cause I won't lie
Thank you for being my mom
Because you are da' bomb
Love,
Chandler
I love you so much Chandler! Thank you for being my son. You are the one that's da' bomb!
I had a hair appointment this morning so I headed out pretty early today. Once I started driving down the road a song came on the radio that I love. Some of the words are "Jesus, please come, please come today." It was so fitting for today. I certainly need Jesus today. So, I just cried this morning as I drove to my hair appointment. When I left the beauty shop today, I went to the store to print some pictures of Chandler. We have 2 frames that I want to put pictures in and get hung on the wall. It's the kind of frame that holds several different pictures. When I left the store to drive home, the tears started to fall again. I've thought a lot today about how "real" this is. It's so hard to fathom that I will never see Chandler on this side of heaven again. That kills me! It's so hard to comprehend that. It's been 3 months and it already seems like forever. How do I go through the rest of my life on this earth without him here? The pain is just still so intense. I talked to God on that ride home today. I was honest with Him. I told Him how hard this was and that it sucks!
I just finished putting the pictures in the frames. The middle photo needed to be a 5 x 7 and I wasn't aware of that. So, I went to my closet to go through some pictures to find one to put in the frame for now. I ended up choosing one of me and Chandler. He's only 2 1/2 months old in the picture. It's not my favorite picture of me but I love the picture of us together. We are both looking at each other. I'm smiling and he's looking up at me and he also has a little smile. You can just feel the love when you're looking at that picture. In the process of looking for a picture I found a few other things. One of them is a poem to me from Chandler. It's printed on paper that has a border around it. I took the poem to Chad to read and as soon as I handed it to him, I realized one of the things that was on the border. It's a dragonfly! I couldn't help but cry again. Chad noticed it too. There are butterflies and flowers around the border but only one dragonfly. How perfect!
Here's the poem:
My mom is so sweet
She's good at cooking meat
She washes the dishes
She doesn't make messes
She vacuums the house
She screams when she sees a mouse
She takes care of Corben
She usually wears a turban
She has blond hair
She likes eating a pear
I think
She likes pink
My mom is the best
She is not a pest
She likes weenie dogs
But she doesn't like hogs
Day by day
She gets sweeter
Hour by hour
She gets neater
I love you more than a pie
Cause I won't lie
Thank you for being my mom
Because you are da' bomb
Love,
Chandler
I love you so much Chandler! Thank you for being my son. You are the one that's da' bomb!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Affliction
My devotion from yesterday was a good one. I read it yesterday and have read it today a few more times. Just trying to remind myself that God is in control. Though life seems so difficult and painful now, in the end it will all work out. The pain and sorrow will all be worth it when we hear those words "Well done".
Although I have afflicted you, . . .I will afflict you no more. (Nahum 1:12)
There is a limit to our affliction. God sends it and then removes it. Do you complain, saying, "When will this end?" May we quietly wait and patiently endure the will of the Lord till He comes. Our Father takes away the rod when His purpose in using it is fully accomplished.
If the affliction is sent to test us so that our words would glorify God, it will only end once He has caused us to testify to His praise and honor. In fact, we would not want the difficulty to depart until God has removed from us all the honor we can yield to Him.
Today things may become "completely calm" (Matt. 8:26). Who knows how soon these raging waves will give way to a sea of glass with seagulls sitting on the gentle swells?
After a long ordeal, the threshing tool is on its hook, and the wheat has been gathered into the barn. Before much time has passed, we may be just as happy as we are sorrowful now.
It is not difficult for the Lord to turn night into day. He who sends the clouds can just as easily clear the skies. Let us be encouraged--things are better down the road. Let us sing God's praises in anticipation of things to come. Charles H. Spurgeon
"The Lord of the harvest" (Luke 10:2) is not always threshing us. His trials are only for a season, and the showers soon pass. "Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning" (Ps. 30:5). "Our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" (2 Cor. 4:17). Trials do serve their purpose.
Even the fact that we face a trial proves there is something very precious to our Lord in us, or else He would not spend so much time and energy on us. Christ would not test us if He did not see the precious metal of faith mingled with the rocky core of our nature, and it is to refine us into purity and beauty that He forces us through the fiery ordeal.
Be patient, O sufferer! The result of the Refiner's fire will more than compensate for our trials, once we see the "eternal glory that far outweighs them all." Just to hear His commendation, "Well done" (Matt. 25:21); to be honored before the holy angels; to be glorified in Christ, so that I may reflect His glory back to Him--ah! that will be more than enough reward for all my trials. from Tried by Fire
Just as the weights of a grandfather clock, or the stabilizers in a ship, are necessary for them to work properly, so are troubles to the soul. The sweetest perfumes are obtained only through tremendous pressure, the fairest flowers grow on the most isolated and snowy peaks, the most beautiful gems are those that have suffered the longest at the jeweler's wheel, and the most magnificent statues have endured the most blows from the chisel. All of these, however, are subject to God's law. Nothing happens that has not been appointed with consummate care and foresight. from Daily Devotional Commentary
Although I have afflicted you, . . .I will afflict you no more. (Nahum 1:12)
There is a limit to our affliction. God sends it and then removes it. Do you complain, saying, "When will this end?" May we quietly wait and patiently endure the will of the Lord till He comes. Our Father takes away the rod when His purpose in using it is fully accomplished.
If the affliction is sent to test us so that our words would glorify God, it will only end once He has caused us to testify to His praise and honor. In fact, we would not want the difficulty to depart until God has removed from us all the honor we can yield to Him.
Today things may become "completely calm" (Matt. 8:26). Who knows how soon these raging waves will give way to a sea of glass with seagulls sitting on the gentle swells?
After a long ordeal, the threshing tool is on its hook, and the wheat has been gathered into the barn. Before much time has passed, we may be just as happy as we are sorrowful now.
It is not difficult for the Lord to turn night into day. He who sends the clouds can just as easily clear the skies. Let us be encouraged--things are better down the road. Let us sing God's praises in anticipation of things to come. Charles H. Spurgeon
"The Lord of the harvest" (Luke 10:2) is not always threshing us. His trials are only for a season, and the showers soon pass. "Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning" (Ps. 30:5). "Our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" (2 Cor. 4:17). Trials do serve their purpose.
Even the fact that we face a trial proves there is something very precious to our Lord in us, or else He would not spend so much time and energy on us. Christ would not test us if He did not see the precious metal of faith mingled with the rocky core of our nature, and it is to refine us into purity and beauty that He forces us through the fiery ordeal.
Be patient, O sufferer! The result of the Refiner's fire will more than compensate for our trials, once we see the "eternal glory that far outweighs them all." Just to hear His commendation, "Well done" (Matt. 25:21); to be honored before the holy angels; to be glorified in Christ, so that I may reflect His glory back to Him--ah! that will be more than enough reward for all my trials. from Tried by Fire
Just as the weights of a grandfather clock, or the stabilizers in a ship, are necessary for them to work properly, so are troubles to the soul. The sweetest perfumes are obtained only through tremendous pressure, the fairest flowers grow on the most isolated and snowy peaks, the most beautiful gems are those that have suffered the longest at the jeweler's wheel, and the most magnificent statues have endured the most blows from the chisel. All of these, however, are subject to God's law. Nothing happens that has not been appointed with consummate care and foresight. from Daily Devotional Commentary
Going through pictures
I was going about my day today doing normal household stuff. Then, out of nowhere, I found myself sitting in my closet floor looking through old pictures. I sat there for a while looking through baby pictures of Chandler, pictures of him graduating from kindergarten, pictures of him playing with his brother Caleb. I went back to those day when he and Caleb were so little. They were so close in age. They were best buddies. Chandler had such a beautiful smile in so many pictures. Oh, how I miss his smile. His smile would light up a room. I miss his laughter. Tears just fell from my face as I looked through so many pictures and remembered back to the days when they were taken. I sat there thinking how the 16 years have flown by and how 16 years is too short! I want more time with Chandler. My children should out live me. I shouldn't out live my children.
I've wanted so badly to dream about Chandler so that I can see him and hear his voice. I haven't had a dream about him since he went to heaven. I don't know why I haven't been able to. Maybe, I still hurt too much. Maybe I'm wanting it too much and thinking about it too much when I go to bed. One of his friends has had a couple of dreams as well as Caleb. They've told me about them. I'm hoping one day I'll have one to share. I'm hoping one morning to wake up with a huge smile on my face because I was able to see my son.
The past few days have been bearable. I think I was so amazed at how God got us through Valentine's Day and the 3 month anniversary of Chandler being in heaven, that I was on top of the mountain for a few days. I was still hurting. I still cried every day but I was still so excited at what God did. I can feel myself coming down off of the mountain today. I can feel the pain more. I feel the loss more. I miss Chandler terribly. I wish I could put into words how I feel but I really can't. The feelings are those I've never felt before. The pain and the way I miss him is so intense that I can't even explain it. There is nothing I could write here that would help someone to really understand what I'm feeling. Until you've been in these shoes, you just can't "know" the pain. And, I really don't want anyone to have to feel what I'm feeling.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine's Day
I woke up this morning aware of what today is. Yes, it's Valentine's Day but it's also been 3 months today since Chandler went to heaven. So, how do I get through this day? I'm not into Valentine's Day today. I miss Chandler too much to think about showing love to others. My heart hurts! But, is that fair to the rest of my family. I know it's not. How do I make them feel loved when all I can feel is a broken heart? I'm not sure yet.
I've realized since going through these horrible months that I do have faith. I trust God and what He does even though I don't like it and can't see the big picture. But, even though I have that faith and trust, it's hard to feel joy. That's what my devotion was about this morning - rejoicing in the Lord. There were several verses included: Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! (Philippians 4:4) My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials (James 1:2) Rejoice always (1 Thess. 5:16)
I'm not sure I know how to have this joy that God wants me to have. I'm not really sure what He expects from me in this area. Is this something I have to express outwardly? Am I supposed to smile all the time or be happy all the time? Or is it just a joy I can feel inwardly? Is it just having a feeling of peace in knowing that God is in control? I'm not sure about this one so I'm going to have to study it. I know that joy is coming one day because I know the story. I know how it all ends and I know that when that day comes, I'll be in the presence of the Lord. I can find joy in that. I don't know about the joy in "now". Maybe He's not talking about having joy in "now". Maybe having joy does refer to the peace I have in my relationship with God. Maybe the joy is in knowing that the trial I am in is temporary when compared to eternity. I'll keep looking into the subject of joy.
Back to Valentine's Day. As much as I hurt, I really do want to do something for my family. I want my kids and Chad to know that I do love them. It's 10:38 the morning of Valentine's Day and so far, I've done nothing. I haven't bought anything. I haven't said anything. So, what do I do? I have an idea for a little something I could get them. But, does a gift really let them know how much I love them? I don't think so. In addition to a small gift, I'm going to write each of them a letter. I want to write something special to each of them and let them know how much I love them. Hopefully, it will mean something to them and they'll remember the note that they received on Valentine's Day more than the gift.
Later:
Okay, so it's 8:04 pm right now. This day is nearly over. There has been so much happen. I can't wait to share it all. Let me just start by saying that God is good. He came through for us today. He really showed His love in so many ways.
First of all, after lunch today, I got ready and went out for a little bit to get the kids a little surprise for V Day. I also stopped and picked them up something to eat since Chad and I were going to attempt to go out and try and have a Valentine dinner. So, when I got home, I gave the kids their gifts and gave them each a note. Soon after, I left to go pick up Chad from work. Our plan was to go to the grave for a little bit and then go to dinner. After I pulled out of our road, a song came on the radio that I have not heard before. I immediately started crying when I heard the words. The song was great. It was another song that I could have written. After that song was over, every song after that just spoke to me. I was in tears the whole way driving to pick up Chad. It was like those songs had picked out and played just for me. Here are the words to that first song I heard:
Save a Place for Me by Matthew West
Don’t be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
‘Cause everyday it’s sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world
Off your shoulders now
I’m dreaming of the day
When I’m finally there with you
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer’s for another time
So instead I’ll pray
With every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
And I wanna live my life
Just like you did
Make the most of my time
Just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there
When I arrived to pick Chad up from work, he was in the parking lot talking to a friend of mine. So, I got out of the car and was able to hug her and receive more love from someone who knew that today was going to be a very difficult day. Chad and I got in the car and he handed me a gift. I had written him a note and I had it with me but he wanted me to open his first. It was a camera charm for my Chandler bracelet. I've been wanting a camera so badly and he got one. It was perfect. I immediately put it on my bracelet. I love it!
We got to the grave and some friends of ours met us there. I had gotten a call this morning from my friend Connie. She had something she wanted to give me from the youth at our church and she really wanted to try and get it to me today. So, we planned to meet at the grave. I had no idea what it was that she wanted to give me. When I heard her message on my answering service, I started crying because I knew whatever it was, it was special. So, Chad, Connie, Anna and I were standing near Chandler's grave and Anna gives me a folder with a lot of papers in it. The youth group and the adult youth leaders wrote down some of their memories of Chandler. I hugged them both and just cried. It was another perfect gift. I love hearing things about Chandler from other people and to be able to read these memories that different people have of Chandler was going to be great. As soon as we got back into the car, I started reading them. I read them aloud so that Chad could hear them. It took a while to get through some of them because of the crying. But, there were also times when we had to laugh.
Chad and I went to Carabba's for dinner. The meal was great and we had some good conversation about different things. Of course, we talked about Chandler, our loss, the pain, etc. We also talked about what was in my devotion this morning, which was "rejoicing in the Lord" and "counting it all joy when you fall into various trials". What he shared was good and I'll share it here soon but he's going to have to help me put it into words.
After dinner, we headed home. As soon as we got home, Caleb told us that a package came today. It was from someone very special. I started opening the box. We got the gift out of the box and I opened the card first. Tears welled up in my eyes reading the card because it gave us an idea of what the gift was. It was a picture of a dragonfly. My friend had read the story of the dragonfly on my blog. Then, she was out one day, ran across the picture and got it for us. It's perfect. Another perfect gift to end this day. We love you Mary!
This day started with people texting me, sending notes of encouragement and praying for me. On top of that, I've had 3 perfect gifts given to me today and some wonderful music to listen to as I was driving today. God has helped us to get through this day. He's used so many people and so many different ways to show His love. God is good. Now, I'll be going to bed soon and hope for a good night's rest. Tomorrow will come and I'll trust God to get me through it.
Happy Valentine's Day Chandler. I love you so much!! I always will!!
I've realized since going through these horrible months that I do have faith. I trust God and what He does even though I don't like it and can't see the big picture. But, even though I have that faith and trust, it's hard to feel joy. That's what my devotion was about this morning - rejoicing in the Lord. There were several verses included: Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! (Philippians 4:4) My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials (James 1:2) Rejoice always (1 Thess. 5:16)
I'm not sure I know how to have this joy that God wants me to have. I'm not really sure what He expects from me in this area. Is this something I have to express outwardly? Am I supposed to smile all the time or be happy all the time? Or is it just a joy I can feel inwardly? Is it just having a feeling of peace in knowing that God is in control? I'm not sure about this one so I'm going to have to study it. I know that joy is coming one day because I know the story. I know how it all ends and I know that when that day comes, I'll be in the presence of the Lord. I can find joy in that. I don't know about the joy in "now". Maybe He's not talking about having joy in "now". Maybe having joy does refer to the peace I have in my relationship with God. Maybe the joy is in knowing that the trial I am in is temporary when compared to eternity. I'll keep looking into the subject of joy.
Back to Valentine's Day. As much as I hurt, I really do want to do something for my family. I want my kids and Chad to know that I do love them. It's 10:38 the morning of Valentine's Day and so far, I've done nothing. I haven't bought anything. I haven't said anything. So, what do I do? I have an idea for a little something I could get them. But, does a gift really let them know how much I love them? I don't think so. In addition to a small gift, I'm going to write each of them a letter. I want to write something special to each of them and let them know how much I love them. Hopefully, it will mean something to them and they'll remember the note that they received on Valentine's Day more than the gift.
Later:
Okay, so it's 8:04 pm right now. This day is nearly over. There has been so much happen. I can't wait to share it all. Let me just start by saying that God is good. He came through for us today. He really showed His love in so many ways.
First of all, after lunch today, I got ready and went out for a little bit to get the kids a little surprise for V Day. I also stopped and picked them up something to eat since Chad and I were going to attempt to go out and try and have a Valentine dinner. So, when I got home, I gave the kids their gifts and gave them each a note. Soon after, I left to go pick up Chad from work. Our plan was to go to the grave for a little bit and then go to dinner. After I pulled out of our road, a song came on the radio that I have not heard before. I immediately started crying when I heard the words. The song was great. It was another song that I could have written. After that song was over, every song after that just spoke to me. I was in tears the whole way driving to pick up Chad. It was like those songs had picked out and played just for me. Here are the words to that first song I heard:
Save a Place for Me by Matthew West
Don’t be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
‘Cause everyday it’s sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world
Off your shoulders now
I’m dreaming of the day
When I’m finally there with you
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer’s for another time
So instead I’ll pray
With every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
And I wanna live my life
Just like you did
Make the most of my time
Just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there
When I arrived to pick Chad up from work, he was in the parking lot talking to a friend of mine. So, I got out of the car and was able to hug her and receive more love from someone who knew that today was going to be a very difficult day. Chad and I got in the car and he handed me a gift. I had written him a note and I had it with me but he wanted me to open his first. It was a camera charm for my Chandler bracelet. I've been wanting a camera so badly and he got one. It was perfect. I immediately put it on my bracelet. I love it!
We got to the grave and some friends of ours met us there. I had gotten a call this morning from my friend Connie. She had something she wanted to give me from the youth at our church and she really wanted to try and get it to me today. So, we planned to meet at the grave. I had no idea what it was that she wanted to give me. When I heard her message on my answering service, I started crying because I knew whatever it was, it was special. So, Chad, Connie, Anna and I were standing near Chandler's grave and Anna gives me a folder with a lot of papers in it. The youth group and the adult youth leaders wrote down some of their memories of Chandler. I hugged them both and just cried. It was another perfect gift. I love hearing things about Chandler from other people and to be able to read these memories that different people have of Chandler was going to be great. As soon as we got back into the car, I started reading them. I read them aloud so that Chad could hear them. It took a while to get through some of them because of the crying. But, there were also times when we had to laugh.
After dinner, we headed home. As soon as we got home, Caleb told us that a package came today. It was from someone very special. I started opening the box. We got the gift out of the box and I opened the card first. Tears welled up in my eyes reading the card because it gave us an idea of what the gift was. It was a picture of a dragonfly. My friend had read the story of the dragonfly on my blog. Then, she was out one day, ran across the picture and got it for us. It's perfect. Another perfect gift to end this day. We love you Mary!
This day started with people texting me, sending notes of encouragement and praying for me. On top of that, I've had 3 perfect gifts given to me today and some wonderful music to listen to as I was driving today. God has helped us to get through this day. He's used so many people and so many different ways to show His love. God is good. Now, I'll be going to bed soon and hope for a good night's rest. Tomorrow will come and I'll trust God to get me through it.
Happy Valentine's Day Chandler. I love you so much!! I always will!!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
A day at a time
We are coming upon 3 months since Chandler has been gone. Each day seems to get harder as far as missing him. I'm really having a hard time comprehending the fact that I'll never see Chandler again this side of heaven. When I wake up each morning one of the first things I see is the mold of Chandler's hand print that Life Net made for us. It sits on my bedside table. I go in the kitchen and fix coffee and there is this great close up picture on the refrigerator of Chandler that I see. In the picture, he has such a beautiful smile and his eyes just seem to sparkle. It looks as if he's looking right at me. But, I get tears nearly every time I see that picture. I don't want to just be looking at that picture. I want to see him walk through this house. In my car I have one of Chandler's hats sitting on the dashboard. When I see that hat every time I get in the car, I think of Chandler. I want his physical body in that car with us and not just a hat representing him. Yesterday, I went to my room to change clothes so that I could exercise. But, somehow, as soon as I got to my room, my mind went somewhere else - to thoughts of Chandler and I ended up crying for a while first. A couple of hours ago, I was in my room ironing our clothes for church tomorrow and I started to cry. It's hard to iron when your eyes are blurred by tears. But, I couldn't stop crying. My heart aches! I miss Chandler so badly right now that I cannot imagine going longer amounts of time without him. After I finished ironing, I decided to take a long, hot bath and just sit in the quiet for a while. So, I locked myself up in the bathroom. I laid in that tub thinking, praying and crying. I laid there in that tub thinking how much I wanted this to all be a bad dream. I talked to God about it saying how badly I wanted to finish my bath and walk in the other room where everyone else is watching a movie and find Chandler sitting in there with them. Please God, don't let this be real. I thought how amazing it would be if it were just a bad dream. What a feeling it would be to walk in the other room and see Chandler. I would grab him and hug him so hard and I wouldn't let go for the longest time. But, then reality hits me. It's not a dream. The things I'm wishing for are the dreams. But, how do I go the rest of my life here on earth without my son? It's been almost 3 months and sometimes it already seems like forever. It already hurts so badly. How do I make it for longer periods of time without him? I can't imagine missing him anymore than I already do.
I also find that I'm having a hard time with having compassion for others when it comes to certain things. If I hear of someone dealing with some issue about their child, I have thoughts that would probably hurt their feelings if they knew what I really wanted to say. I want to say something like "at least your child is alive". I want to ask them "what if your child was dead? Your problem wouldn't seem so bad now would it?" I know it sounds horrible and I having a feeling it's all a part of the grieving process. I don't really like when I think things like that but for now, I do. I guess as long as I don't allow those thoughts to reach my tongue and get out then I'll be okay.
So, for now, I'm literally dealing with getting through one day at a time. I can't think about next week or a month from now, etc. I miss Chandler so much today and I hurt so much today - that's all I can handle. I just have to make it through today.
I also find that I'm having a hard time with having compassion for others when it comes to certain things. If I hear of someone dealing with some issue about their child, I have thoughts that would probably hurt their feelings if they knew what I really wanted to say. I want to say something like "at least your child is alive". I want to ask them "what if your child was dead? Your problem wouldn't seem so bad now would it?" I know it sounds horrible and I having a feeling it's all a part of the grieving process. I don't really like when I think things like that but for now, I do. I guess as long as I don't allow those thoughts to reach my tongue and get out then I'll be okay.
So, for now, I'm literally dealing with getting through one day at a time. I can't think about next week or a month from now, etc. I miss Chandler so much today and I hurt so much today - that's all I can handle. I just have to make it through today.
For His good pleasure
Since the loss of Chandler, I've continued to keep my faith. I continue to trust God and what He does. At least, that's how I come across. But, after reading today's devotion. I had to think hard about that. Do I really trust God deep down or is it all show? Am I just trying to look good in God's eyes? Like I could really fool God. Yeah, right! But, do I really believe what I say I believe? Did God know what He was doing when He took Chandler? Did He make a mistake? Did He do it just to hurt me or punish me for some reason?
Your heavenly Father knows. (Matthew 6:32)
A visitor at a school for the deaf was writing questions on the board for the children. Soon he wrote this sentence: "Why has God made me able to hear and speak, and made you deaf?"
The shocking sentence hit the children like a cruel slap on the face. They sat paralyzed, pondering the dreadful work "Why?" And then a little girl rose.
With her lip trembling and her eyes swimming with tears, she walked straight to the board. Picking up the chalk, she wrote with a steady hand these precious words: "Yes, Father, for this was your good pleasure" (Matt. 11:26). What a reply! It reaches up and claims an eternal truth upon which the most mature believer, and even the youngest child of God, may securely rest--the truth that God is your Father.
Can you state that truth with full assurance and faith? Once you do, your dove of faith will no longer wander the skies in restless flight but will settle forever in its eternal resting place of peace: your Father!
I still believe that a day of understanding will come for each of us, however far away it may be. We will understand as well see the tragedies that today darken and dampen the presence of heaven for us take their proper place in God's great plan--a plan so overwhelming, magnificent, and joyful, we will laugh with wonder and delight. Arthur Christopher Bacon
Chance has not brought this ill to me;
It's God's own hand, so let it be,
For He sees what I cannot see.
There is a purpose for each pain,
And He one day will make it plain
That earthly loss is heavenly gain.
Like as a piece of tapestry
Viewed from the back appears to be
Only threads tangled hopelessly;
But in the front a picture fair
Rewards the worker for his care,
Proving his skill and patience rare.
You are the Workman, I the frame.
Lord, for the glory of Your Name,
Perfect Your image on the same.
So, what is my response to this devotion? Just like the young girl mentioned, with my lip trembling now and my eyes swimming in tears as I write, I believe that God took Chandler for His "good pleasure". God is my Father and He didn't make a mistake. For some reason, He needed Chandler. Chandler's life here on earth was complete. Do I approve of what God did? No! I hate that Chandler had to go. God knows that. I tell Him daily "I hate this!" I don't understand why. I go to God with that question often, "why?" "Why Chandler? Why do this to our family? We are a close family. Don't You know how badly this hurts us?" Of course, I still don't get any answers and probably never will until I reach heaven. God has a plan in all of this. I can't wait until the day comes when I find out what that plan was. Like it says in the devotion, "a plan so overwhelming, magnificent, and joyful, we will laugh with wonder and delight". I can not ever imagine laughing at what has taken place. But, I anxiously await that day. I look forward to the day when I see how God's plan unfolds and when I see the wonder and delight in it all and I can laugh. I can laugh in the presence of God and His plan and how wonderful and perfect it was. Until that day, I'll continue to cry my eyes out. I'll continue to question God and let Him know how badly I hurt. But, I will also continue to trust Him. I'm going to trust Him to comfort me and get me through each day until the day comes when I meet Him in heaven. Then, God will take me and show me and tell me why He took Chandler at such a young age. Then, I'll look Him in the face and laugh and say "I get it. You were right." And at that point the years of pain we spent on this earth won't matter. We'll have eternity in heaven. What a glorious day that will be!
Your heavenly Father knows. (Matthew 6:32)
A visitor at a school for the deaf was writing questions on the board for the children. Soon he wrote this sentence: "Why has God made me able to hear and speak, and made you deaf?"
The shocking sentence hit the children like a cruel slap on the face. They sat paralyzed, pondering the dreadful work "Why?" And then a little girl rose.
With her lip trembling and her eyes swimming with tears, she walked straight to the board. Picking up the chalk, she wrote with a steady hand these precious words: "Yes, Father, for this was your good pleasure" (Matt. 11:26). What a reply! It reaches up and claims an eternal truth upon which the most mature believer, and even the youngest child of God, may securely rest--the truth that God is your Father.
Can you state that truth with full assurance and faith? Once you do, your dove of faith will no longer wander the skies in restless flight but will settle forever in its eternal resting place of peace: your Father!
I still believe that a day of understanding will come for each of us, however far away it may be. We will understand as well see the tragedies that today darken and dampen the presence of heaven for us take their proper place in God's great plan--a plan so overwhelming, magnificent, and joyful, we will laugh with wonder and delight. Arthur Christopher Bacon
Chance has not brought this ill to me;
It's God's own hand, so let it be,
For He sees what I cannot see.
There is a purpose for each pain,
And He one day will make it plain
That earthly loss is heavenly gain.
Like as a piece of tapestry
Viewed from the back appears to be
Only threads tangled hopelessly;
But in the front a picture fair
Rewards the worker for his care,
Proving his skill and patience rare.
You are the Workman, I the frame.
Lord, for the glory of Your Name,
Perfect Your image on the same.
So, what is my response to this devotion? Just like the young girl mentioned, with my lip trembling now and my eyes swimming in tears as I write, I believe that God took Chandler for His "good pleasure". God is my Father and He didn't make a mistake. For some reason, He needed Chandler. Chandler's life here on earth was complete. Do I approve of what God did? No! I hate that Chandler had to go. God knows that. I tell Him daily "I hate this!" I don't understand why. I go to God with that question often, "why?" "Why Chandler? Why do this to our family? We are a close family. Don't You know how badly this hurts us?" Of course, I still don't get any answers and probably never will until I reach heaven. God has a plan in all of this. I can't wait until the day comes when I find out what that plan was. Like it says in the devotion, "a plan so overwhelming, magnificent, and joyful, we will laugh with wonder and delight". I can not ever imagine laughing at what has taken place. But, I anxiously await that day. I look forward to the day when I see how God's plan unfolds and when I see the wonder and delight in it all and I can laugh. I can laugh in the presence of God and His plan and how wonderful and perfect it was. Until that day, I'll continue to cry my eyes out. I'll continue to question God and let Him know how badly I hurt. But, I will also continue to trust Him. I'm going to trust Him to comfort me and get me through each day until the day comes when I meet Him in heaven. Then, God will take me and show me and tell me why He took Chandler at such a young age. Then, I'll look Him in the face and laugh and say "I get it. You were right." And at that point the years of pain we spent on this earth won't matter. We'll have eternity in heaven. What a glorious day that will be!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
God's Silence
I've been home a lot this week. Corben got sick Sunday afternoon and by Monday morning Carlie was sick. So, I've been home taking care of them. I was talking to a friend today and told her that in a way, it has been a blessing. As much as I hate to see my kids sick, it has kept us home. This week was going to be a busy week. I had something scheduled Monday through Thursday. I was really dreading it. Sometimes being busy is good but when too much gets on the calendar, it's just tough for me right now. So, it worked out that most of the things I had scheduled couldn't be done. But I was able to do the one thing this week that I would have wanted to keep on the calendar. I didn't have to cancel today's plans which is the one thing I really needed this week. It was a visit with a very special friend. This friend and her family have been through the past 2 1/2 months right by our side. They love our family and we love theirs. They hurt with us. So, I met her for lunch today. We sat in the restaurant and talked about all kinds of stuff. Of course, the conversation was mostly about Chandler. We shed a lot of tears and really didn't get much eating done because we talked so much. But, I feel like we both needed it. Some of the things she said, I needed to hear. After our lunch, we went to Chandler's grave together. I needed to fix something that had broken on the arrangement that is there. She was the smart one and brought a sheet for me to sit on since the ground is so dirty while we wait on grass to grow. She brought a toothbrush along to help clean the dirt off of Chandler's marker. Because there's so much dirt right now, his marker gets so dirty. I tried to clean it the last time I was there with a tissue and it just didn't work. I'm so thankful to have such a smart friend that thinks of little things like that. So, I will be packing a toothbrush and a sheet in my car to have at all times when I go visit Chandler's grave now. It will be nice to just sit there for a while on a sheet or blanket and hang out. It's so hard to be there sometimes because I get there and think "I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be standing over my son's grave." But, the more I'm there, the more I want to be there. So, the visit today with my friend was good. She shared things about Chandler that I didn't know about. It's always nice to hear new things about him. She also shared things that he had said. One thing in particular stayed with me. It was the day of the accident and they had ridden their dirt bikes to the top of the mountain. At the top of the mountain, they get off their bikes and are standing there and looking out at the beauty. That's when the dad that was with them took a picture. It's one of my favorite pictures. It's bittersweet to look at though. It's the last picture taken of Chandler but the picture is beautiful. The scenery is beautiful; the mountains, the sky. And there Chandler stands in the middle of 2 of his favorite people: his brother Caleb and his best friend Anna. But, one of the things Chandler said while he was there on top of that mountain was "I love riding". Chandler had been riding dirt bikes that day and doing what he loved to do with people that he loved. He was happy. That means a lot to me.
Yesterday, I was able to exercise. Counting yesterday, I have only exercised 5 times since the accident. That is so unlike me. I've been exercising consistently going on 4 years now. But, things have changed a lot and I just haven't been able to get it done lately. I'm getting myself back into it now. Anyway, I felt so good after I was finished. Then, I started putting some clothes up that I had folded prior to my workout. I had some things of Corben's that I needed to put in his closet. So, I went to his room which is also Chandler's room. I opened the closet, saw Chandler's clothes, shoes, etc. and lost it. I just stood there holding onto his stuff, smelling his clothes and putting my hands in the pockets of his jackets trying to find something that he might have left behind that I haven't seen yet. It's so hard to look at his stuff, look at pictures of him and accept that I'll never see Chandler again this side of heaven. It's so hard to comprehend that. All I have now are pictures, his stuff, memories. He's not here anymore and that causes such an ache in me that I can't even explain. It's just nothing anyone can understand unless they've experienced it.
Along with looking through his things and trying to run across something new that I haven't seen before, I'm also always looking for something from God. I'm wanting Him to show me scripture that I can know came directly from Him. I want him to speak to me in a way that I'll know it's Him. But, that doesn't happen often. I don't know that it has happened at all yet. Sure, God has sent people my way, I've read devotions that speak to me. But, I want to really feel His presence. I want to know without a doubt that God said that or did that. I want to be praying sometime and actually feel His arms wrap around me and hug me. I want him to say "It's okay, Amie. I'm here". I know it can happen. He has spoken to me in the past and I knew that it was Him. I long for that to happen these days. Well, today's devotion was about this particular issue. It was good for me. I'm going to share it here:
Jesus did not answer a word. (Matthew 15:23)
He will quiet you with his love. (Zephaniah 3:17)
Are you reading these verses as a chld of God who is experiencing a crushing sorrow, a bitter disappointment, or a heartbreaking blow from a totally unexpected place? Are you longing to hear your Master's voice calling you, saying, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid" (Matt. 14:27)? Yet only silence, the unknown, and misery confront you--"Jesus did not answer a word."
God's tender heart must often ache listening to our sad, complaining cries. Our weak, impatient hearts cry out because we fail to see through our tear-blinded, shortsighted eyes that it is for our own sakes that He does not answer at all or that He answers in a way we believe is less than the best. In fact, the silences of Jesus are as eloquent as His words and may be a sign not of His disapproval but of His approval and His way of providing a deeper blessing for you.
"Why are you downcast, O my soul?. . . I will yet praise him" (Ps. 43:5). Yes, praise Him even for His silence. Let me relate a beautiful old story of how one Christian dreamed she saw three other women in prayer.
When they knelt the Master drew near to them. As He approached the first of the three, He bent over her with tenderness and grace. He smiled with radiant love and spoke to her in tones of pure, sweet music. Upon leaving her, He came to the next but only placed His hand upon her bowed head and gave her one look of loving approval. He passed the third woman almost abruptly, without stopping for a word or a glance.
The woman having the dream said to herself, "How greatly He must love the first woman. The second gained His approval but did not experience the special demonstrations of love He gave the first. But the third woman must have grieved Him deeply, for He gave her no word at all, nor even a passing look."
She wondered what the third woman must have done to have been treated so differently. As she tried to account for the actions of her Lord, he Himself came and stood beside her. He said to her, "O woman! How wrongly you have interpreted Me! The first kneeling woman needs the full measure of My tenderness and care to keep her feet on My narrow way. She needs My love, thoughts, and help every moment of the day, for without them she would stumble into failure.
"The second woman has stronger faith and deeper love than the first, and I can count on her to trust Me no matter how things may go or whatever people may do. Yet the third woman, whom I seemed not to notice, and even to neglect, has faith and love of the purest quality. I am training her through quick and drastic ways for the highest and holiest service.
"She knows Me so intimately, and trusts Me so completely, that she no longer depends on My voice, loving glances, or other outward signs to know of My approval. She is not dismayed or discouraged by any circumstances I arrange for her to encounter. She trusts Me when common sense, reason, and even every subtle instinct of the natural heart would rebel, knowing that I am preparing her for eternity, and realizing that the understanding of what I do will come later.
"My love is silent because I love beyond the power of words to express it and beyond the understanding of the human heart. Also, it is silent for your sakes--that you may learn to love and trust Me with pure, Spirit-taught, spontaneous responses. I desire for your response to My love to be without the prompting of anything external."
He "will do wonders never before done" (Ex. 34:10) if you will learn the mystery of His silence and praise Him every time He withdraws His gifts from you. Through this you will better know and love the Giver. selected
Wow! Reading this the 2nd time is just as good as the 1st time. God's silence doesn't mean He's not with me and He doesn't care. I shouldn't need external things from Him to feel His love and presence. I don't feel like I'm the third woman in the above story. I have a long way to go. I don't know God so intimately. There is so much more I have to learn about God. I fail Him in so many ways. But, I do know that I trust in what He does. I trust God knows what He's doing even though I don't like it. Even though I don't know the answers, I do trust that God's knows what's best for my family. He's definitely preparing me for eternity. He has given me an excitement about eternity. And when that time comes, we will understand why God chose Chandler at such a young age. And the best part is, we'll see Chandler and be in the presence of the Lord -- for eternity. Not 16 years, but forever!
Yesterday, I was able to exercise. Counting yesterday, I have only exercised 5 times since the accident. That is so unlike me. I've been exercising consistently going on 4 years now. But, things have changed a lot and I just haven't been able to get it done lately. I'm getting myself back into it now. Anyway, I felt so good after I was finished. Then, I started putting some clothes up that I had folded prior to my workout. I had some things of Corben's that I needed to put in his closet. So, I went to his room which is also Chandler's room. I opened the closet, saw Chandler's clothes, shoes, etc. and lost it. I just stood there holding onto his stuff, smelling his clothes and putting my hands in the pockets of his jackets trying to find something that he might have left behind that I haven't seen yet. It's so hard to look at his stuff, look at pictures of him and accept that I'll never see Chandler again this side of heaven. It's so hard to comprehend that. All I have now are pictures, his stuff, memories. He's not here anymore and that causes such an ache in me that I can't even explain. It's just nothing anyone can understand unless they've experienced it.
Along with looking through his things and trying to run across something new that I haven't seen before, I'm also always looking for something from God. I'm wanting Him to show me scripture that I can know came directly from Him. I want him to speak to me in a way that I'll know it's Him. But, that doesn't happen often. I don't know that it has happened at all yet. Sure, God has sent people my way, I've read devotions that speak to me. But, I want to really feel His presence. I want to know without a doubt that God said that or did that. I want to be praying sometime and actually feel His arms wrap around me and hug me. I want him to say "It's okay, Amie. I'm here". I know it can happen. He has spoken to me in the past and I knew that it was Him. I long for that to happen these days. Well, today's devotion was about this particular issue. It was good for me. I'm going to share it here:
Jesus did not answer a word. (Matthew 15:23)
He will quiet you with his love. (Zephaniah 3:17)
Are you reading these verses as a chld of God who is experiencing a crushing sorrow, a bitter disappointment, or a heartbreaking blow from a totally unexpected place? Are you longing to hear your Master's voice calling you, saying, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid" (Matt. 14:27)? Yet only silence, the unknown, and misery confront you--"Jesus did not answer a word."
God's tender heart must often ache listening to our sad, complaining cries. Our weak, impatient hearts cry out because we fail to see through our tear-blinded, shortsighted eyes that it is for our own sakes that He does not answer at all or that He answers in a way we believe is less than the best. In fact, the silences of Jesus are as eloquent as His words and may be a sign not of His disapproval but of His approval and His way of providing a deeper blessing for you.
"Why are you downcast, O my soul?. . . I will yet praise him" (Ps. 43:5). Yes, praise Him even for His silence. Let me relate a beautiful old story of how one Christian dreamed she saw three other women in prayer.
When they knelt the Master drew near to them. As He approached the first of the three, He bent over her with tenderness and grace. He smiled with radiant love and spoke to her in tones of pure, sweet music. Upon leaving her, He came to the next but only placed His hand upon her bowed head and gave her one look of loving approval. He passed the third woman almost abruptly, without stopping for a word or a glance.
The woman having the dream said to herself, "How greatly He must love the first woman. The second gained His approval but did not experience the special demonstrations of love He gave the first. But the third woman must have grieved Him deeply, for He gave her no word at all, nor even a passing look."
She wondered what the third woman must have done to have been treated so differently. As she tried to account for the actions of her Lord, he Himself came and stood beside her. He said to her, "O woman! How wrongly you have interpreted Me! The first kneeling woman needs the full measure of My tenderness and care to keep her feet on My narrow way. She needs My love, thoughts, and help every moment of the day, for without them she would stumble into failure.
"The second woman has stronger faith and deeper love than the first, and I can count on her to trust Me no matter how things may go or whatever people may do. Yet the third woman, whom I seemed not to notice, and even to neglect, has faith and love of the purest quality. I am training her through quick and drastic ways for the highest and holiest service.
"She knows Me so intimately, and trusts Me so completely, that she no longer depends on My voice, loving glances, or other outward signs to know of My approval. She is not dismayed or discouraged by any circumstances I arrange for her to encounter. She trusts Me when common sense, reason, and even every subtle instinct of the natural heart would rebel, knowing that I am preparing her for eternity, and realizing that the understanding of what I do will come later.
"My love is silent because I love beyond the power of words to express it and beyond the understanding of the human heart. Also, it is silent for your sakes--that you may learn to love and trust Me with pure, Spirit-taught, spontaneous responses. I desire for your response to My love to be without the prompting of anything external."
He "will do wonders never before done" (Ex. 34:10) if you will learn the mystery of His silence and praise Him every time He withdraws His gifts from you. Through this you will better know and love the Giver. selected
Wow! Reading this the 2nd time is just as good as the 1st time. God's silence doesn't mean He's not with me and He doesn't care. I shouldn't need external things from Him to feel His love and presence. I don't feel like I'm the third woman in the above story. I have a long way to go. I don't know God so intimately. There is so much more I have to learn about God. I fail Him in so many ways. But, I do know that I trust in what He does. I trust God knows what He's doing even though I don't like it. Even though I don't know the answers, I do trust that God's knows what's best for my family. He's definitely preparing me for eternity. He has given me an excitement about eternity. And when that time comes, we will understand why God chose Chandler at such a young age. And the best part is, we'll see Chandler and be in the presence of the Lord -- for eternity. Not 16 years, but forever!
Monday, February 7, 2011
Random
This blog is going to be a little random. It's not about anything specific. I just haven't written in a few days and feel like I need to - for me. I need to record a few things that have happened lately.
I've had lots of opportunity to "miss someone" over my lifetime. I've lived away from family for 21 years now. But, there is nothing compared to the way I miss Chandler. It seems to be all I think about lately. There is such an ache in me. I want so badly to see his face. Of course, I can see his face daily when I look at the pictures I have of him. But, I want his physical body here. It hurts not to hear his voice each day.
I was in the kitchen today and I started thinking about some of the little things that have changed since Chandler has been gone. We don't go through milk as fast as we used to. I don't make sweet tea as often as I used to. There is less laundry. I used to buy breakfast bars every time I went to the store. But, I don't have to do that any more. These are just a few things I've noticed lately. And, I really hate those changes. As much as I hate the piles of laundry I have to do, I would love to be washing and folding Chandler's clothes. I never thought I would miss doing someones laundry so much.
On our way to church yesterday morning, I put in a Newsboys CD. Newsboys was one of Chandler's favorite bands. Whenever I hear their music, I automatically think of Chandler. The car was quiet and we were just listening to the music and I started crying. Carlie was in the back playing with Barbie dolls. She also had her Ken doll with her. She called my name to get my attention and she said "his face looks like Chandler's". She was looking at her doll and could see Chandler in him. I thought to myself "she must really miss Chandler". We all do!
There have been a lot of times lately that I see Chandler in Corben. They are similar in a lot of ways. Corben was laying on the couch last night. He didn't have socks on. I looked at his feet and they reminded me so much of Chandler's. I appreciate the things I see in Corben that remind me of Chandler but it sure does make me miss Chandler even more when I notice those things. I've even looked at Caleb a few time lately and could see Chandler. They have always been so opposite. But, I've noticed as Caleb gets older that I can really see the resemblance.
I still find myself shocked at what has happened. I was vacuuming today and started thinking "he's gone". It's so hard to wrap my head around that. It seems so hard to believe sometimes. I mean, I can still see him walking out our front door that day as if it just happened. But, it's almost been 3 months now. I hate that! 3 long months since Chandler has been home with us!
We recently got a new vehicle. It's not brand new but it's new to us. We got it registered 11 days ago but got temporary license plates because I wanted them personalized. Well, the new plates came in the mail today. I just looked at the package for a minute because I new what was inside. We got Organ Donor plates with Chandler's name on it. Of course, we couldn't spell out his whole name. As emotional as it was to open those plates and look at them - I am so happy to have Chandler's name on my car and to be able to get people consider organ donation when they see my plates.
Chad called LifeNet the other day to talk to a lady about how we can get in contact with the donor recipients. We can't just get the names and put a letter in the mail. There are ways to do it. We can begin to write letters but we won't can't include any personal information at this time. We can't tell where we live, what hospital Chandler was in, our last name, etc. We also have to send the letters through LifeNet and they will get it to the recipients. We are looking forward to starting this process and receiving some kind of word from the families who have benefited from Chandler's organs. We've also been made aware of weekend getaways that LifeNet offers to Donor families. They have one coming up in July where you come spend a weekend with other Donor families and they provide all the the supplies necessary to make a scrap book of your loved one. We are hoping to get involved in things like that.
I'm still just trying to get through a day at a time. It's all I can do. I'm still so appreciative of those who are still thinking of us and lifting us up in prayer. It's going to be a long recovery time. You can't just say goodbye to your child and be okay in a few months. It's not possible. We will always miss Chandler and we'll always be heartbroken that he's not here with us. We will always have this ache in our hearts. We just have to learn how to live with these broken hearts that we have and that is a hard thing to do.
I love you and miss you so much Chandler!
I've had lots of opportunity to "miss someone" over my lifetime. I've lived away from family for 21 years now. But, there is nothing compared to the way I miss Chandler. It seems to be all I think about lately. There is such an ache in me. I want so badly to see his face. Of course, I can see his face daily when I look at the pictures I have of him. But, I want his physical body here. It hurts not to hear his voice each day.
I was in the kitchen today and I started thinking about some of the little things that have changed since Chandler has been gone. We don't go through milk as fast as we used to. I don't make sweet tea as often as I used to. There is less laundry. I used to buy breakfast bars every time I went to the store. But, I don't have to do that any more. These are just a few things I've noticed lately. And, I really hate those changes. As much as I hate the piles of laundry I have to do, I would love to be washing and folding Chandler's clothes. I never thought I would miss doing someones laundry so much.
On our way to church yesterday morning, I put in a Newsboys CD. Newsboys was one of Chandler's favorite bands. Whenever I hear their music, I automatically think of Chandler. The car was quiet and we were just listening to the music and I started crying. Carlie was in the back playing with Barbie dolls. She also had her Ken doll with her. She called my name to get my attention and she said "his face looks like Chandler's". She was looking at her doll and could see Chandler in him. I thought to myself "she must really miss Chandler". We all do!
There have been a lot of times lately that I see Chandler in Corben. They are similar in a lot of ways. Corben was laying on the couch last night. He didn't have socks on. I looked at his feet and they reminded me so much of Chandler's. I appreciate the things I see in Corben that remind me of Chandler but it sure does make me miss Chandler even more when I notice those things. I've even looked at Caleb a few time lately and could see Chandler. They have always been so opposite. But, I've noticed as Caleb gets older that I can really see the resemblance.
I still find myself shocked at what has happened. I was vacuuming today and started thinking "he's gone". It's so hard to wrap my head around that. It seems so hard to believe sometimes. I mean, I can still see him walking out our front door that day as if it just happened. But, it's almost been 3 months now. I hate that! 3 long months since Chandler has been home with us!
We recently got a new vehicle. It's not brand new but it's new to us. We got it registered 11 days ago but got temporary license plates because I wanted them personalized. Well, the new plates came in the mail today. I just looked at the package for a minute because I new what was inside. We got Organ Donor plates with Chandler's name on it. Of course, we couldn't spell out his whole name. As emotional as it was to open those plates and look at them - I am so happy to have Chandler's name on my car and to be able to get people consider organ donation when they see my plates.
I'm still just trying to get through a day at a time. It's all I can do. I'm still so appreciative of those who are still thinking of us and lifting us up in prayer. It's going to be a long recovery time. You can't just say goodbye to your child and be okay in a few months. It's not possible. We will always miss Chandler and we'll always be heartbroken that he's not here with us. We will always have this ache in our hearts. We just have to learn how to live with these broken hearts that we have and that is a hard thing to do.
I love you and miss you so much Chandler!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
In the Shadow
Yesterday was our first full day to get back into our normal routine since my family left to go back home and Chad got back from his trip. The day was okay. We also had church last night. Personally, I didn't want to go but we've missed a few weeks and I really needed to get Corben and Carlie there for their choir practice. They are working on a kid's program and if they don't get back to practice, they aren't going to be able to participate. It's hard for me to want to go to church because there are so many people. I don't mind talking to one or two people but when it gets to be more than that, it can be overwhelming right now. I made it through the night. It wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. I was actually able to talk to some friends and enjoyed it. I didn't have to just answer "how are you doing?" which can be so hard to answer. We talked about the blog I am writing and we talked about Chandler. It's actually easier to just talk about Chandler than to have to answer the question "how are you doing"? I don't know the answer to that question. I'm not fine. I'm not okay. I'm not having a great day. I'm grieving the loss of my son. I cry at different times. I miss him. My heart is broken. I was in the bathroom yesterday afternoon fixing Carlie's hair to go to church. Out of the blue, my mind went to the hospital. I could see Chandler in the hospital bed, hooked up to life support. I started crying right there in the midst of working on Carlie's hair. You just never know when things like that will hit. Then, Chad, Corben, Carlie and I were eating dinner somewhere last night before going to church and Chad and I started talking about Chandler and how badly we hurt and how much we hate that our son is gone. I shared some things I had thought about and sat right there in that restaurant crying. I shared with Chad that I have wondered "did I pray enough when we were at the hospital?" If I had prayed more or prayed harder, would he be here today? I've thought about him laying there in that hospital bed. Did he hear things when we were there? The times that I walked out of the room, did he think "My mom left me. I want her back in here." But, he couldn't say anything because of his injuries. Chad assured me that none of that was true. Chandler was brain dead. He had no reflexes. He failed all of the tests they performed. If he could have been thinking things that I'm wondering about, then his brain could have told his body to breathe on it's own and he might be here with us today. A part of me knows all of that. But, when you lose a child, your mind does all kinds of things and thinks all kinds of thoughts.
Yesterday's devotion was another good one. Even today, I'm still thinking about it so I want to add it to my blog for future reference. I also know that there may be some other people who read it that could benefit from it.
In the shadow of his hand he hid me; he made me into a polished arrow and concealed me in his quiver. (Isaiah 49:2)
"In the shadow" --each of us must go there sometimes. The glare of the sunlight is too bright, and our eyes become injured. Soon they are unable to discern the subtle shades of color or appreciate neutral tints, such as the shadowed sickroom, the shadowed house of grief, or the shadowed life where the sunlight has departed.
But fear not! It is the shadow of God's hand. He is leading you, and there are lessons that can be learned only where He leads.
The photograph of His face can only be developed in the dark room. But do not assume that He has pushed you aside. You are still "in his quiver." He has not thrown you away as something worthless.
He is only keeping you nearby till the moment comes when He can send you quickly and confidently on some mission that will bring Him glory. O shadowed, isolated one, remember how closely the quiver is tied to the warrior. It is always within easy reach of his hand and jealously protected. from Christ in Isaiah, by F. B. Meyer
In some realms of nature, shadows or darkness are the places of greatest growth. The beautiful Indian corn never grows more rapidly than in the darkness of a warm summer night. The sun withers and curls the leaves in the scorching light of noon, but once a cloud hides the sun, they quickly unfold. The shadows provide a service that the sunlight does not. The starry beauty of the sky cannot be seen at its peak until the shadows of night slip over the sky. Lands with fog, clouds, and shade are lush with greenery. And there are beautiful flowers that bloom in the shade that will never bloom in the sun. Florists now have their evening primrose as well as their morning glory. The evening primrose will not open in the noonday sun but only reveals its beauty as the shadows of the evening grow longer.
If all of life were sunshine,
Our face would long to gain
And feel once more upon it
The cooling splash of rain.
Henry Jackson Van Dyke
My family is definitely in the shadows. We don't know what good will come of the tragedy that has happened to our family. We don't know yet what beauty will come out of this shadow. It might be a long time before we know it. We might not realize the beauty until we reach heaven. I have to remember that when I feel the darkness more than ever, I am still "in his quiver".
Yesterday's devotion was another good one. Even today, I'm still thinking about it so I want to add it to my blog for future reference. I also know that there may be some other people who read it that could benefit from it.
In the shadow of his hand he hid me; he made me into a polished arrow and concealed me in his quiver. (Isaiah 49:2)
"In the shadow" --each of us must go there sometimes. The glare of the sunlight is too bright, and our eyes become injured. Soon they are unable to discern the subtle shades of color or appreciate neutral tints, such as the shadowed sickroom, the shadowed house of grief, or the shadowed life where the sunlight has departed.
But fear not! It is the shadow of God's hand. He is leading you, and there are lessons that can be learned only where He leads.
The photograph of His face can only be developed in the dark room. But do not assume that He has pushed you aside. You are still "in his quiver." He has not thrown you away as something worthless.
He is only keeping you nearby till the moment comes when He can send you quickly and confidently on some mission that will bring Him glory. O shadowed, isolated one, remember how closely the quiver is tied to the warrior. It is always within easy reach of his hand and jealously protected. from Christ in Isaiah, by F. B. Meyer
In some realms of nature, shadows or darkness are the places of greatest growth. The beautiful Indian corn never grows more rapidly than in the darkness of a warm summer night. The sun withers and curls the leaves in the scorching light of noon, but once a cloud hides the sun, they quickly unfold. The shadows provide a service that the sunlight does not. The starry beauty of the sky cannot be seen at its peak until the shadows of night slip over the sky. Lands with fog, clouds, and shade are lush with greenery. And there are beautiful flowers that bloom in the shade that will never bloom in the sun. Florists now have their evening primrose as well as their morning glory. The evening primrose will not open in the noonday sun but only reveals its beauty as the shadows of the evening grow longer.
If all of life were sunshine,
Our face would long to gain
And feel once more upon it
The cooling splash of rain.
Henry Jackson Van Dyke
My family is definitely in the shadows. We don't know what good will come of the tragedy that has happened to our family. We don't know yet what beauty will come out of this shadow. It might be a long time before we know it. We might not realize the beauty until we reach heaven. I have to remember that when I feel the darkness more than ever, I am still "in his quiver".
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
This is my doing
I sat here this afternoon reading out of one of my devotional books. The devotion for today drew me in as soon as I started it. Soon into it, I was crying and ended up crying my way through the entire thing. What I'm going through is no surprise to God. As painful as it is and as much as I can't stand what has happened, God is in control of this. I may not understand it for a long time. I may not understand it until I reach Heaven one day but God knows what He is doing. I don't like what He's done but I have to trust that He knows what's best.
This is my doing. (1 Kings 12:24)
The disappointments of life are simply the hidden appointments of love. C. A. Fox
My child, I have a message for you today. Let me whisper it in your ear so any storm clouds that may arise will shine with glory, and the rough places you may have to walk will be made smooth. It is only four words, but let them sink into your inner being, and use them as a pillow to rest your weary head. "This is my doing."
Have you ever realized that whatever concerns you concerns Me too? "For whoever touches you touched the apple of (my) eye" (Zech. 2:8). "You are precious and honored in my sight" (Isa. 43:4). Therefore it is My special delight to teach you.
I want you to learn when temptations attack you, and the enemy comes in "like a pent-up flood" (Isa. 59:19), that "this is my doing" and that your weakness needs My strength, and your safety lies in letting Me fight for you.
Are you in difficult circumstances, surrounded by people who do not understand you, never ask your opinion, and always push you aside? "This is my doing." I am the God of circumstances. You did not come to this place by accident--you are exactly where I meant for you to be.
Have you not asked Me to make you humble? Then see that I have placed you in the perfect school where this lesson is taught. Your circumstances and the people around you are only being used to accomplish My will.
Are you having problems with money, finding it hard to make ends meet? "This is my doing," for I am the One who keeps your finances, and I want you to learn to depend on Me. My supply is limitless and I "will meet all your needs" (Phil. 4:19). I want you to prove My promises so no one may say, "You did not trust in the Lord your God" (Deut. 1:32).
Are you experiencing a time of sorrow? "This is my doing." I am "a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering" (Isa. 53:3). I have allowed your earthly comforters to fail you, so that by turning to Me you may receive "eternal encouragement and good hope" (2 Thess. 2:16). Have you longed to do some great work for Me but instead have been set aside on a bed of sickness and pain? "This is my doing." You were so busy I could not get your attention, and I wanted to teach you some of My deepest truths. "They also serve who only stand and wait." In fact, some of My greatest works are those physically unable to serve, but who have learned to wield the powerful weapon of prayer.
Today I place a cup of holy oil in your hands. Use it freely, My child. Anoint with it every new circumstance, every word that hurts you, every interruption that makes you impatient, and every weakness you have. The pain will leave as you learn to see Me in all things. Laura A. Barter Snow
"This is from Me," the Savior said,
As bending low He kissed my brow,
"For One who loves you thus has led.
Just rest in Me, be patient now,
Your Father knows you have need of this,
Though, why perhaps you cannot see--
Grieve not for things you've seemed to miss.
The thing I send is best for thee."
Then, looking through my tears, I plead,
"Dear Lord, forgive, I did not know,
It will not be hard since You do tread,
Each path before me here below."
And for my good this thing must be,
His grace sufficient for each test.
So still I'll sing, "Whatever be
God's way for me is always best."
This is my doing. (1 Kings 12:24)
The disappointments of life are simply the hidden appointments of love. C. A. Fox
My child, I have a message for you today. Let me whisper it in your ear so any storm clouds that may arise will shine with glory, and the rough places you may have to walk will be made smooth. It is only four words, but let them sink into your inner being, and use them as a pillow to rest your weary head. "This is my doing."
Have you ever realized that whatever concerns you concerns Me too? "For whoever touches you touched the apple of (my) eye" (Zech. 2:8). "You are precious and honored in my sight" (Isa. 43:4). Therefore it is My special delight to teach you.
I want you to learn when temptations attack you, and the enemy comes in "like a pent-up flood" (Isa. 59:19), that "this is my doing" and that your weakness needs My strength, and your safety lies in letting Me fight for you.
Are you in difficult circumstances, surrounded by people who do not understand you, never ask your opinion, and always push you aside? "This is my doing." I am the God of circumstances. You did not come to this place by accident--you are exactly where I meant for you to be.
Have you not asked Me to make you humble? Then see that I have placed you in the perfect school where this lesson is taught. Your circumstances and the people around you are only being used to accomplish My will.
Are you having problems with money, finding it hard to make ends meet? "This is my doing," for I am the One who keeps your finances, and I want you to learn to depend on Me. My supply is limitless and I "will meet all your needs" (Phil. 4:19). I want you to prove My promises so no one may say, "You did not trust in the Lord your God" (Deut. 1:32).
Are you experiencing a time of sorrow? "This is my doing." I am "a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering" (Isa. 53:3). I have allowed your earthly comforters to fail you, so that by turning to Me you may receive "eternal encouragement and good hope" (2 Thess. 2:16). Have you longed to do some great work for Me but instead have been set aside on a bed of sickness and pain? "This is my doing." You were so busy I could not get your attention, and I wanted to teach you some of My deepest truths. "They also serve who only stand and wait." In fact, some of My greatest works are those physically unable to serve, but who have learned to wield the powerful weapon of prayer.
Today I place a cup of holy oil in your hands. Use it freely, My child. Anoint with it every new circumstance, every word that hurts you, every interruption that makes you impatient, and every weakness you have. The pain will leave as you learn to see Me in all things. Laura A. Barter Snow
"This is from Me," the Savior said,
As bending low He kissed my brow,
"For One who loves you thus has led.
Just rest in Me, be patient now,
Your Father knows you have need of this,
Though, why perhaps you cannot see--
Grieve not for things you've seemed to miss.
The thing I send is best for thee."
Then, looking through my tears, I plead,
"Dear Lord, forgive, I did not know,
It will not be hard since You do tread,
Each path before me here below."
And for my good this thing must be,
His grace sufficient for each test.
So still I'll sing, "Whatever be
God's way for me is always best."
The Dragonfly
A couple of weeks ago I ran across a story online about a dragonfly. I don't know if it's true of a dragonfly but it was such a beautiful story. I immediately shared it with Chad and he loved it as well. I made a copy of it and shared it with my friends, Kathy and Michelle. Well, Saturday, at Corben's basketball game, Kathy handed me a gift. She was out shopping one day and came across a dragonfly necklace and bought it for me. It was so perfect and meant so much to me that she had done such a sweet thing. I gave her a hug and shed some tears of course and I've worn it everyday since. I wanted to share the dragonfly story here. It might mean as much to others as it does to me.
The Story of the Dragonfly
In a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads, there lived a little water beetle in a community of water beetles. They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond. Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and would never be seen again. They knew that when this happened their friend was dead, gone forever. One day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge to climb up that stem. However, he was determined that he would not leave forever. He would come back and tell his friends what he had found at the top. When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so warm, that he decided to take a nap. As he slept, his body changed. When he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful dragonfly. As he soared he saw the beauty of a whole new world and a far superior way of life than what he had ever known existed. He found he could fly and in his flight he discovered his world was brighter than anything he had ever imagined and the beauty was breathtaking.
Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking by now he was dead. He remembered his pact with the others below and started down to the water. He tried and tried to break through the surface to reach his friends, but couldn't. He wanted to go back to tell them what he had found, and explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been before. His life had been fulfilled rather than ended. He could not go back to tell his friends the good news. Then he understood that their time would come, when they too would know what he now knew. That one day we too will break out of the murky water and join the others we love in the bright light of heaven.
So he raised his wings and flew off into his joyous new life!
It's been a couple of weeks since I wrote this blog but I wanted to add something about the life cycle of the dragonfly. Since I read the dragonfly story that I posted here, I was curious to know if it was true or not that they start out in the water and then come out of the water to become the dragonfly that we all know about. Well, it is true. The adult flying insect (dragonfly) lays its eggs in water. Each egg hatches into a young insect called a naiad. It lives underwater throughout its youth. It even has gills just like a fish. It molts while it lives underwater, growing into a larger and larger naiad. Then one day it crawls up a stick or branch sticking out of the water and sits still until its skin dries out. Then out crawls a winged flying creature that breathes air!
The Story of the Dragonfly
In a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads, there lived a little water beetle in a community of water beetles. They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond. Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and would never be seen again. They knew that when this happened their friend was dead, gone forever. One day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge to climb up that stem. However, he was determined that he would not leave forever. He would come back and tell his friends what he had found at the top. When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so warm, that he decided to take a nap. As he slept, his body changed. When he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful dragonfly. As he soared he saw the beauty of a whole new world and a far superior way of life than what he had ever known existed. He found he could fly and in his flight he discovered his world was brighter than anything he had ever imagined and the beauty was breathtaking.
Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking by now he was dead. He remembered his pact with the others below and started down to the water. He tried and tried to break through the surface to reach his friends, but couldn't. He wanted to go back to tell them what he had found, and explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been before. His life had been fulfilled rather than ended. He could not go back to tell his friends the good news. Then he understood that their time would come, when they too would know what he now knew. That one day we too will break out of the murky water and join the others we love in the bright light of heaven.
So he raised his wings and flew off into his joyous new life!
It's been a couple of weeks since I wrote this blog but I wanted to add something about the life cycle of the dragonfly. Since I read the dragonfly story that I posted here, I was curious to know if it was true or not that they start out in the water and then come out of the water to become the dragonfly that we all know about. Well, it is true. The adult flying insect (dragonfly) lays its eggs in water. Each egg hatches into a young insect called a naiad. It lives underwater throughout its youth. It even has gills just like a fish. It molts while it lives underwater, growing into a larger and larger naiad. Then one day it crawls up a stick or branch sticking out of the water and sits still until its skin dries out. Then out crawls a winged flying creature that breathes air!
Family
Last Thursday Chad flew to Florida to go to a conference. He was gone from Thursday to Tuesday. This trip was planned several months ago so I was planning to stay home with the kids by myself. After Chandler's accident, I wanted to change those plans. I didn't really want to be home alone for 5 days. Yes, I would have the kids with me but I didn't think that would be enough right now. So, my mama and sister were talking about making a trip up here sometime. So, I told them the week that Chad is gone would be perfect. They could keep me company. It worked out that they were able to do that. So, when I took Chad to the airport to depart last Thursday, my mama and sister arrived about 20 minutes before his flight left.
We had the best time while they were here. We did lots of shopping and eating. We made some decorating changes in my house. We did crafty things with the kids. We laughed. We cried. We were exhausted by the 2nd day because we were staying up late at night and then our days were spent running the streets. But, we kept doing the same thing. We continued to have late nights and kept ourselves busy during the day. On Friday, we went to the cemetery to visit at Chandler's grave for a while. We cried a lot and talked about him. We talked about what an awesome son/grandson/nephew he was and how much we miss him. It's so emotional being there yet it's so hard to leave after you get there.
On Sunday, Brandi and I went to A.C. Moore to get some more craft stuff for the kids. While we were there, we ended up purchasing some things to make a new flower arrangement to place at the cemetery. We got hearts for the kids to paint since we're approaching Valentine's Day. We got 4 hearts. One for Caleb, Corben and Carlie to paint and write on and we got one that Brandi painted and wrote on to represent Chandler's cousins, Cade, Connor and Claire Michael. We also found some dragonflies to add to it. There's a story about that coming later. When we got home, we put it all together and it was so beautiful. It had a personal touch and it just looks perfect.
One day while my family was here, we were all getting ready to go somewhere. Corben was in my room talking and asking what year was Chandler born. I told him 1994. Then he started talking about how Chandler was 16 when he died and how young that was. I agreed and then began to share that sometimes even babies die. He asked "why would a mama want to have her baby die"? I said the mama doesn't want that but sometimes the babies aren't healthy and they die before they are even born. Then, I began to share with him some of my story. I told him that before Chandler was growing in my belly, I had another baby growing there. I told him that the baby's heart stopped beating and died. I told him the doctors had to get the baby out. I also told him that after Chandler and Caleb were born, I got pregnant again and the same thing happened to that baby. So, I told Corben "You have 2 more brothers or sisters that are in heaven. We don't know if they are boys or girls but they are with Chandler now and Chandler knows already." Corben said "you should have told me that already!" He acted like he was so happy to know that he had other siblings even though he wasn't going to know them until one day when we get to heaven. It was so sweet the way he responded to that story.
On Monday afternoon I took mama and Brandi to the airport to send them back home. We tried to make it as easy a goodbye as possible. I told mama that I didn't want to make it hard on all of us. I didn't want them getting on the plane so upset and I didn't want me going home that way either. We all did really well.
We were blessed with several days together and had a wonderful time. We all needed the visit together and I'm so thankful it worked out for them to come see us.
We had the best time while they were here. We did lots of shopping and eating. We made some decorating changes in my house. We did crafty things with the kids. We laughed. We cried. We were exhausted by the 2nd day because we were staying up late at night and then our days were spent running the streets. But, we kept doing the same thing. We continued to have late nights and kept ourselves busy during the day. On Friday, we went to the cemetery to visit at Chandler's grave for a while. We cried a lot and talked about him. We talked about what an awesome son/grandson/nephew he was and how much we miss him. It's so emotional being there yet it's so hard to leave after you get there.
One day while my family was here, we were all getting ready to go somewhere. Corben was in my room talking and asking what year was Chandler born. I told him 1994. Then he started talking about how Chandler was 16 when he died and how young that was. I agreed and then began to share that sometimes even babies die. He asked "why would a mama want to have her baby die"? I said the mama doesn't want that but sometimes the babies aren't healthy and they die before they are even born. Then, I began to share with him some of my story. I told him that before Chandler was growing in my belly, I had another baby growing there. I told him that the baby's heart stopped beating and died. I told him the doctors had to get the baby out. I also told him that after Chandler and Caleb were born, I got pregnant again and the same thing happened to that baby. So, I told Corben "You have 2 more brothers or sisters that are in heaven. We don't know if they are boys or girls but they are with Chandler now and Chandler knows already." Corben said "you should have told me that already!" He acted like he was so happy to know that he had other siblings even though he wasn't going to know them until one day when we get to heaven. It was so sweet the way he responded to that story.
On Monday afternoon I took mama and Brandi to the airport to send them back home. We tried to make it as easy a goodbye as possible. I told mama that I didn't want to make it hard on all of us. I didn't want them getting on the plane so upset and I didn't want me going home that way either. We all did really well.
We were blessed with several days together and had a wonderful time. We all needed the visit together and I'm so thankful it worked out for them to come see us.
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