Special Time

It's been a while since I've written here.  But, today ended up being pretty special and I just don't want to forget it. 

I went to the cemetery this morning.  I went alone because it's what I wanted.  When I got there, I sat down, removed the flowers that were there and just started cleaning up the stone and the area around it.  I placed the new flowers that I had made and just sat and spent some time there. 

I started talking.  Within about a minute's time, I heard something and saw something quickly go by me.  I saw it.  Then, it came right back by me.  It was a dragonfly.  I lost it.  I haven't seen a dragonfly at the cemetery in a while now.  So, when I saw this one today, I just wept.  The timing was too perfect.  I felt like God was there.  He made it very clear.  It's like He was there to comfort me and it's like He also was letting me know that Chandler even knew I was there. 

It began to heat up very quickly outside.  It was in the 90's today.  I began to sweat but I didn't care.  I just wanted to sit there.  30 minutes went by quickly and it was hard to get myself to leave.  The feeling I had from God showing up was just too good and I hated for it to end.  Now, I know that God is with us everywhere.  But, I don't always feel like God is around.  I'm sure it's all my fault.  I'm sure it can be due to me not seeking Him the way I should or spending time in prayer, etc.  So, when God decides to show up and make it so clear that I can not doubt it then you better believe I'm going to soak it all in. 

Before I left, I had something else I had to do.  If the flowers that I replace are still in pretty good shape then I always like to share them with someone else and place them on another grave.  I looked around and it seemed like every vase around Chandler's area had flowers.  I looked as far as I could see.  Some were very faded and obviously had been there a while but I try to put flowers in an empty vase first.  I kept looking and I finally found one.  It was on the first row near the street.  I took the flowers and walked over.  It was a large stone with a husband and wife's name.  The wife had passed away.  I read the husband's name.  He was still living.  Under his name it said "Corp US Marines".  I couldn't believe it.  Of all the empty vases, this was the only one around and the husband was a Marine.  So, I placed the flowers in the vase for another Marine family.  To most, this may not be a big deal.  But, to me, it meant a lot! 

So, I walked back to Chandler's grave, gathered all of my stuff and got ready to leave.  My day had started better than I could have imagined.  The time spent taking care of Chandler's memorial spot was perfect and very special. 

Thank you, Lord, for showing up when you know I need it most.  I should always trust that you're there anyway.  You probably get tired of my doubts.  But, you continue to be there for me, to love me and comfort me on this journey I'm on.  You make your presence known and you make it so clear to me so that I don't doubt it. 

Thanksgiving 2018

So, this blog is going to be a little different as far as the subject goes.  But, I've had many thoughts during these days and I've learned a little so I just want to write and be able to remind myself of it. 

As this Thanksgiving approached, I was feeling very stressed and overwhelmed.  I've never really hosted Thanksgiving before and I've never been the one to do most all of the cooking.  The closer the day got, the more overwhelmed I became.  On top of that, I started to come down with a cough and it was affecting my sleep and eventually started to affect my voice.  That was helping with my stress either.  Chad was telling me "You've got to relax".  I was scheduled to work on Wednesday before Thanksgiving but ended up telling them that I wouldn't be able to make it.  It's hard to teach preschoolers if you're constantly talking and your voice is getting worse. 

So, I just planned to spend Wednesday doing meal prep and waiting on Alex and the grand kids to arrive.  I'm still overwhelmed and stressed out during this time though.  How can I get all of this done?  Will the food turn out okay?  Will the foods be ready at the same time? Can I do this?  Why am I hosting Thanksgiving?  I was really just wanting the holiday to come and go as quickly as possible.  Then, it would just be over and I could breathe.

I was working in the kitchen and at about 10:00, I heard a car.  No big deal.  Cars go down this road all the time.  Well, then, I heard a few doors shut.  So, I thought - Alex must be here.  I walked to the door to see.  As I did, I could see kids walking from a car and I saw a man with short hair.  I didn't even see his face.  I knew who it was.  I immediately got that door opened and there he stood - Caleb!  I yelled "Caleb!" I grabbed him so tight and cried.  He said "I love you".  Best words ever to a Mama!  I eventually let go and acknowledged every one else.  I told them "I love y'all too but I haven't seen him in forever".  It's been 18 months!

He came in and I just kept staring at him and he told me the story about getting here.  He had worked it out to show up here at the same time Alex did.  So, she knew he was coming and it's also the reason I ended up with the job of hosting Thanksgiving.  They worked it out for it be that way.

Corben had stayed home from school and was still sleeping so Caleb went to wake him up.  Needless to say, he was confused and a bit surprised.  We checked Carlie out of school and surprised her.  Then, we drove out to surprise Chad.  He was actually on a lunch break so we met him there. 

Needless to say, during this time of visiting with Caleb and surprising everybody, I was not getting my Thanksgiving meal prep done.  And, do you know what?  I didn't care!  My stress level was gone.  I didn't care if any of the foods weren't ready for the next day.  The family was together and that is all that mattered.  My son was home after a year and a half  of being so far away.  It was even a blessing that I was sick and didn't work.  If I hadn't been home, I probably wouldn't have seen Caleb as early in the day as I did.  I believe I've also been able to enjoy having everyone here more than I would have.  I wasn't overwhelmed anymore.  So, I was able to just enjoy the time with everybody.  I wasn't consumed with thoughts of the food.  And, do you know what?  All of the food got prepped.  All of it got cooked and all of it was delicious.  We even ate earlier than we had planned to. 

God definitely blessed.  And, he taught me.  He said "See, Amie.  Just relax.  I had plans all along to give you the best Thanksgiving that you've had in a while.  You were freaking out over nothing."

So, maybe next time I'm feeling so overwhelmed and stressed about something, I should relax a little.  Maybe it's not all that bad.  Maybe there's a plan here.  God's up to something. 

24th Birthday

Another year has come and gone.  Today was Chandler's 24th birthday.  I think back to 24 years ago and it was the happiest day of my life.  I can remember my first born laying on my chest.  He had a head full of hair and he was beautiful. 

Chandler's birthdays are so different these days.  One part of me remembers the day he was born and how happy I was.  I think of the birthdays that we shared with Chandler here with us.  And, then, the other part of me is sad.  It's sad because now we have to celebrate without Chandler.  I also wonder what would he be doing if he were here.  And, I miss him.  Oh my goodness!  I miss him so much it hurts!

I had to work the early part of the day so I think that was a blessing.  I was busy and didn't really have time to think too much about anything else.  While I was getting ready for work this morning, I did decide to listen to Supertramp.  Chandler loved listening to their music.  For the longest time after Chandler went to heaven, I couldn't listen to their music.  But, today, I turned it on and enjoyed the music and thought about Chandler the whole time I got ready. 

After work, I went to purchase a balloon to take to the the grave.  I debated on going out to the grave at all because it was a rainy day.  But, then, I thought "so what".  I was not going to let a little water stop me from doing what I felt like I needed to do.  As I was driving to the cemetery, a song came on that immediately caught my attention.  It's a Kenny Chesney song and he is one of my favorites.  Of course, I'm ashamed to say that I had not heard this song before today but the timing was perfect. I listened to the words and I just started crying.  I cried until that song was over.  I'm sure that so many people can relate to this song but this song definitely spoke to me today.  If you haven't heard it, go check it out.  It's called Better Boat. It talks about just "breathing in and breathing out" and riding the "waves I can't control"  all while you're just "learning to build a better boat".  It was perfect.  Even the part about friends being there to talk to, to share about what's not working and what's still hurting.  I heard this song and it just made sense to me.  It really hit home.   

Better Boat - Kenny Chesney

I ain't lonely, but I spend a lot of time alone
More than I'd like to, but I'm okay with staying home
By how the last few months have changed
I smile of mourn despite the pain

I breathe in, I breathe out
Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain't working, what's still hurtin'
All the things I feel like cussing out
Now and then I let it go
Around the waves I can't control
I'm learning how to build a better boat

I hate waiting, ain't no patience in these hands
I'm not complaining, sometimes it's hard to change a man
I think I'm stronger than I was, I let God do what he does

I breathe in, I breathe out
Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain't working, what's still hurtin'
All the things I feel like cussing out
Now and then I let it go
Around the waves I can't control
I'm learning how to build a better boat

I breathe in, I breathe out
Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain't working, what's still hurtin'
All the things I feel like cussing out
Now and then I let it go
Around the waves I can't control
If it's working I don't know
When I get done the thing may not flow
But I'm learning how to build a better boat

So, I arrived at the cemetery.  I got out, added the birthday balloon to Chan's flowers and I stood there under the umbrella, thinking.  Then, I just started talking and crying.  You know, being at Chandler's grave is heartbreaking.  It's still hard to believe that I'm visiting my son's grave.  It's one of the hardest things I do yet I feel like it's where I need to be.  If I hadn't gone today, I would have felt guilty.  I would have felt like a horrible mom.  It hurts to be there but it also hurts to not be there.  It doesn't make sense at all.  I know Chandler isn't there but I stood there and talked and cried for a while.  

When I got home, I made Chandler's favorite brownies.  He liked brownies sprinkled with powdered sugar.  I always make something for his birthday that he loved.  The brownies are usually what I make.  It just feels right to do something on his birthday.  

Chad and I rode out this evening to our favorite Mexican place here.  We sat and talked and cried.  Then, when we got home, we got the kids together and watched some of Chandler's movies.  As I was watching the movies with tears rolling down my face, I couldn't help but think how thankful I am that Chandler loved to make movies.  Because of that, we have some amazing videos to look at.  He left us an amazing gift.  

So, as Chandler's birthday ends, I sit here feeling thankful.  I'm thankful that I was chosen to be his mom.  I am so blessed to be his mom.  I am thankful for the memories that we have.  Even now, Chandler can make us laugh.  He had such a great sense of humor.  I'm thankful for the family and friends that have thought of us today and prayed for us.  It means a lot to still have the support 8 years later.  I'm thankful for the strength that God gives me to get through each day.  I'm thankful for the comfort that God gives us each day.  As hard as this journey is, I can not imagine going through this without the faith that we have.  And, my faith isn't always perfect.  God has heard me fuss, complain and ask why on many occasions.  But, he lets me fuss, he listens and he still loves me.  

Happy Birthday, Chandler!  I love you, always and forever!  Infinity!

God Showed Up

Carlie and I went to the grave today to remove Chandler's birthday balloon and add some Christmas ornaments to his flowers.  When we arrived, I noticed something that was attached to his flowers.  I hadn't even gotten out of the car yet when I saw it.  We walked over and noticed that there was a note folded up and placed inside a baggie.  It was hanging from the arrangement.  We took it out and briefly looked at it but we didn't read it.  I sat down and started working on the flowers and making the changes.  After I finished, I told Carlie I was going to read the note out loud for us and for Chandler.  It was a 2 page letter addressed to Chandler.  Through tears and quivering lips, I read the letter.  It was written by a dear friend of ours and it touched my heart. 

Let me pause here and say that the temperature outside today was pretty comfortable.  It was cool but not cold.  It was cloudy though.  The sun wasn't out. 

Okay, so back to our day.  At the end of the letter - and I mean, it was the end.  I read the last words of that letter and all of a sudden I felt heat on me.  All of a sudden, Carlie said "the sun just came out".  She wasn't saying it as if to just say that the sun is out and that's nice.  She was referring to the fact that we sat there at the grave with clouds above us and as I finished that letter, God cleared a spot and the sun was shining right on us.  I was amazed that she caught on to that so quickly.  We sat there looking at each other in awe and just smiling.  She even took a picture of me at that time and I didn't even realize it until I got home and looked through the pictures.  God showed up today.  It was a special time that Carlie and I experienced together and I will never forget it. 

I am so thankful that 7 years after Chandler's passing, God is still comforting us.  He shows up and surprises us like he did today and he helps us to continue on.  God is good.

Praise him for his mighty deeds; praise him according to his excellent greatness! Psalms 150:2

November 2017

November.  It's the month I usually dread.  It's the month that brings a lot of emotions.  It's not because things are easy the rest of the year.  It's just that I'm slapped in the face with the dates that changed our lives forever.  I can go back there as if it happened today.  I can do that any other day of the year as well and that does happen.  But, when I see the dates Nov. 13 & 14th, it's hard not to let my mind be consumed with what happened.

In addition to these dates, Chandler's birthday is just 4 days before.  So, on Nov. 9, we celebrate his birthday but it's done without him.  We still try to make the day all about Chandler.  This was his 23rd birthday.  We looked at pictures, watched some videos and had waffles and chocolate milk for dinner, which is a snack that Chandler often had at night time.

For yesterday and today, I did things a little differently.  I usually share everything I'm going through during these days on social media.  I didn't do that this year.  Other than sharing some scripture, I stayed to myself.  I felt like it was what I needed to do.  Once again, I survived the days.  I have to say that approaching these dates weren't as dreadful as they have been.  I knew they were coming but it didn't consume me.  I've been spending a lot of time lately just reading scripture.  I know that it has helped.  I also know that God has done a lot of work in me over the years to get me to this place.  Does it mean I'm ok now?  No!  I'll never be okay with the loss of Chandler.  Does it mean the grief is gone?  No!  I'll grieve for him until the day I go to heaven.  It does mean that I've finally realized that God does care for us.  He loves our family.  He has comforted me over the years even when I didn't feel like He was there.  He didn't call Chandler home to heaven to punish us.  I don't know why Chandler's days were short.  I don't know why he only made it to 16 years old.  I won't know that while I'm here on earth.  I do know that God loves Chandler. He knew before Chandler was born that he would be with us until he was 16.  When November, 2010 came, it didn't take God by surprise.  He welcomed Chandler with open arms.  We are the ones that were shocked!  And, it's so hard now because we miss him so much and each year that goes by makes it that much longer since we've touched him, talked to him, heard him mixing his chocolate milk in the kitchen, etc.  But, we could also look at it differently and say it's a year closer to when we will see him again. 

Yesterday was an okay day.  I tried to stay busy in order to keep my mind from reliving everything.  Then, we had friends who invited us out to dinner last night.  These friends have been so loving and supportive of us since day one.  They've been with us through it all.  The fact that they were willing to spend some of our day with us just makes me love them even more.  Also, with them, we are able to talk about Chandler.  And, that's what I love to do. 

When I woke up this morning, I had my quiet time.  I read and cried.  Then, I tried to go through the day as I normally would.  Around 10:30 this morning, someone knocked on our door.  I wondered who it could be.  No one comes to my door unless it's the mail man or something.  So, I answered the door.  A man stood there with flowers.  I brought them in the house and as soon as I read who it was addressed to, I lost it.  It said "Mom and Dad Coleman".  There was only one person it could be.  I opened the card and yes, it was from Caleb.  He shared a Bible verse with us.  It comes from Psalm 29:11 and says: The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.  Of all of the scriptures I've read over the past week, I had not read that one.  It was perfect and the fact that Caleb shared it with us meant everything.  So, I shared the verse later on FB.  Oh, and the flowers are beautiful and so special.  It touches my heart that Caleb thinks of us.  I mean, this has affected all of us.  He was there the day the accident happened.  Yet, he still tries to comfort us on these days.  He amazes me in many ways.  I am one blessed and proud mama. 

As these particular days come to an end, I am thankful. 

I am thankful for:

*family and friends who continue to pray for us and be there for us
*16 wonderful years that we had Chandler with us and the many memories
*all of my kids
*God's love, comfort and peace in knowing that we will spend eternity in heaven

Happy Birthday Chandler

Today, we celebrated another birthday without Chandler.  He would be 22 today.  Wow!  The time has flown by.  It really doesn't seem like that many years ago.  I remember the day as if it just happened. 

This morning, I made one of the desserts that Chandler always liked.  It's very simple and I've talked about it before, here on the blog.  It's just brownies with powdered sugar on top.  But, anytime we make them, it brings back memories of Chandler.  We see those brownies and we see Chandler. 

On our birthdays, we try to have a birthday meal and let the one who has the birthday choose where they want to go.  Chandler would have wanted Mexican food.  So, we went to have Mexican food for lunch today.  We ordered chicken fajitas, which is what Chandler usually ordered.  We even asked if we could sit at the large corner booth even though it was just the 4 of us.  When all 6 of us were together, we always sit at the big corner booth at the Mexican restaurant we ate at when we were in Virginia.  So, sitting in a similar booth just brought back more memories.  I could imagine Chandler, Caleb, Corben and Carlie all sitting there today. 

We were also able to talk to Caleb today.  He called.  It's always good to hear his voice.  He was planning to go eat Mexican tonight for dinner. 

I wanted to do something different today.  We don't usually put our Christmas stuff up this early but I wanted to do something to make a new memory on Chandler's day  So, I thought, let's just put a Christmas tree up.  Here's our dilemma.  We are living in an apartment right now and there isn't any extra floor space anywhere.  So, I started searching for things to do.  We decided to have a space saver wall Christmas tree this year.  So, that's what we made.  We spent the afternoon making our tree and then decorating it with our ornaments.  I really think that Chandler would like this tree. 

This evening, we sat and watched some of the movies that Chandler made.  We always enjoy watching them and remembering the times when Chandler was working on them.  He had so much fun producing, editing and directing his movies.  Corben and Carlie were usually his actors and they have some great memories of those days with Chandler.  I laughed and cried watching those movies.  I always do. Chandler had a great sense of humor so he usually made sure that something was funny in his movies.  Sometimes you won't see him in the movies, but in the end he would have bloopers and you can hear his voice and laughter.  Now, that's what makes me cry every time.  I miss his voice.  I miss his laughter. 

I also had a friend visit Chandler's grave today.  She added a "birthday" touch to his flowers.  It means so much to me to have such an amazing friend take time to go visit Chandler's memorial site.  I can't be there right now so knowing that she is there really makes me feel better. 

Earlier this week, I was talking with someone about these upcoming days; Chandler's birthday and the anniversary of when he went to Heaven.  She didn't know much about him so we talked about him.  I shared a lot about him.  During that conversation, I realized I need to be more like Chandler in a lot of ways.  Chandler was happy.  He loved to laugh.  He took things that weren't always great and he made them fun anyway.  For example, he was given the job of digging a ditch in our back yard years ago, for drainage.  It wasn't an easy job.  It was hard work.  He set the video camera up and videoed himself digging that ditch.  Then, he edited it, added music to it and sped it up.  It is one of our favorite videos of him.  He is in the whole video.  So, we get to sit and watch him digging the ditch and having fun while doing it.  I remember another time that he was mopping the kitchen.  He picked the mop up and propped it on his shoulder, doing something goofy and having some fun.  I don't remember what he did but I do know that I took a picture of it.  I can see him in that kitchen right now.  Those are just a few examples of things he did.  He made the best out of everything.  So, while I was sharing these things with this person the other day, I remembered a quote of Chandler's. A friend of his shared this with me sometime after Chandler passed away.  It was something he told her one time.  I have it saved in my phone.  So, I read it to the person I was talking to.  Chandler addressed his friend and said, "Life is awesome.  Even when it's not awesome, it's awesome."  That quote hit me the other day in a way that it never has.  It defines who Chandler was.  If something wasn't going so well, he still saw good in things.  He chose to be happy and content in all things.  He chose laughter.  He didn't let bad days or negative things get the best of him.  I can't say that I do that.  I can drop something in the kitchen and then be in an irritable mood for a while.  What is that doing for me?  It's not doing anything good, that's for sure.  So, as I sat there talking and really thinking about Chandler and how he was and the wisdom in his quote, I just wept.  I realized that I want to be more like Chandler.  I want to choose happiness.  I want to see good in things.  I believe he would want that from us.  Chandler taught me something this week and I'm thankful for it. It was as if he was in that room the other day saying "Mom, wake up!  Life is still awesome, even when you think it's not."  I won't be perfect at trying to do this.  But, I'm going to try and see more positive in things. 

Happy Birthday, Chandler!  I love you and miss you so much!  Infinity!

                                                                                                                                                                                   

5 Years

On today's date 5 years ago, Chandler went to Heaven.  I have a hard time comprehending that it has been 5 years.  Sometimes, it does feel like that many years.  Then, at other times, it feels like it just happened.  The past 5 years have been difficult and very emotional.  I've gotten through it one day at a time.  Some days are okay and some days are hard.  As usual, I have seen God work in our lives this week.  He always shows up at the right time.  Yesterday (the anniversary of the day of the accident), we started our day by taking the kids to school.  Afterward, Chad and I had breakfast together.  He had plans after that, so he left and I was home alone.  I kept myself busy.  We were expecting friends over last night so that meant I had work to do.  That was good because as I kept myself busy, I could keep myself distracted.  I was doing well.  I had music going and was baking some cookies.  I felt good.  Then, all of a sudden, I lost it.  I stood right in the kitchen and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I laid my head down on the kitchen counter and wept, loudly.  It lasted a while.  I cried as I talked to God.  Over and over, I just said "I hate this!".  5 years later, I do still hate this.  I don't like the journey we're on but there is nothing I can do about it.  I realize that Chandler is in the best of hands.  He is so much better off than we are, especially these days.  But, as a  mama, it's hard to get your mind and heart to understand that.  After my time of crying, I was okay.  I got through the rest of day.


At some point in the afternoon, someone rang our door bell.  Chad answered and it was a flower delivery.  We opened the card.  The school that Corben and Carlie go to sent us flowers and a dragonfly night light.  Needless to say, this brought tears to my eyes.  These people don't know us that well.  They don't know Chandler because we moved here after the fact.  But, they decided to pray for us and love on us anyway. 

Our friends came over last night.  We enjoyed a meal together and just hanging out together and talking.  One of the couples brought us a canvas picture.  It says "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.  Hebrews 6:19".  This is so true.  The hope that we have is what gets us through the days.  Without it, I definitely couldn't do this.  I love the gift and I'm so thankful for this couples friendship.  They are a blessing and we love their family. 

The other couple that came over are also very dear.  I was also given a gift by this friend this week.  I don't believe it was specifically bought for me this week but it worked out that this week is when I was able to get it.  It was perfect timing.  God's timing.  It's a beautiful blanket.  It's the softest blanket I've ever felt and I love it.  She wrote me a very sweet note with it and explained why she bought the blanket.  It was bought with love.  It's a soft, comforting blanket and I love it.  Now, if I can just keep my family from trying to take it over. 

God has gotten us through this week.  He has been my comforter.  He has also used many friends and family to help us get through this week.  The prayers, thoughts and words of encouragement mean so much to us.  It amazes me that I still have so much support.  I am truly blessed with so many wonderful people in my life. 

So, what have I learned over the past 5 years?  I've learned quite a few things:

*Grief sucks!  I'm sorry if some don't like to hear me say that, but it's true.  Grief is painful.  It's emotional.  It's tiring.  It is not fun.

*Grief can hit you when you least expect it.  You can be doing good for a while.  Then, all of a sudden, you can just lose it when you're driving down the road, baking cookies, taking a shower, watching TV, etc.  It can come out of nowhere.

*When that grief hits, you have to just let it run it's course.  You have to cry, talk to God, fuss, vent, do whatever is necessary to get through those moments.

*I've learned that you need your friends and family.  Just knowing that they have your back and are praying for you and supporting you is a huge help to get through the days.

*After losing a child, you are a changed person.  It changes you in a lot of ways.  When you lose a child, a part of you dies with them.

*You will cherish everything you have that belongs to your child.  Do I worship Chandler's stuff?  NO!  But, I am thankful to have his drawings, movies, pictures, etc to look at.  I'm even thankful for the clothes of his that we have kept.  We kept some of his clothes that were his favorites and that he wore most of the time.  We kept the clothes that we can look at and they totally remind us of  Chandler.  Plus, Corben gets to use them as he grows into them.

*As I watch Chandler's friends grow up and see pictures of them, a part of me expects to see him in those pictures with them.  I wonder what would he be doing at 21?  Where would he have gone to school?  Would he have a girlfriend?  Where would he work?  There are so many things I wonder about and I always will.

*I want to protect my kids.  I don't want them to hurt in any way, whether it be physically or emotionally.  Because of what they've experienced, I just don't want them to go through anything else.  I know I can't prevent all of those things but it's how I feel. 

*My faith is the only reason I have made it to this 5 year mark.  The faith and hope I have is what gets my through each day.  God never ceases to amaze me.  He has been my comforter.  He always shows up right on time. 

So, that's a few things I have learned through this process.  I'm sure there are many more but maybe I will write about those at a different time.