This won't be a long blog. I just wanted to record what happened so that I could always remember it. Since Chandler's passing, I've wanted to dream about him so badly. I miss him so much and I just want to see him. When no dreams ever happened, I just couldn't understand it. I would lay in bed at night and beg the Lord to let me see Chandler in a dream. It seems so simple yet it wasn't happening. Was I really asking too much? Many months after Chandler passed, I did have a few dreams. But, they were horrible. They were disturbing, frightening and upsetting. I wasn't comforted by them at all. Since those few dreams, I haven't had any more. It's been a while since I even had those.
I woke up this morning to get Caleb up so that he could leave early with Chad. After packing their lunches, I went back to bed to lay down a little while. As I laid there, I suddenly realized to myself "I saw Chandler". I remembered that he had been in my dream last night. I don't remember any details about it at all. I've racked my brain trying to remember everything that happened but it's just not there. But, I do know that it wasn't a bad dream. I also recall seeing him and that is the most important thing. It was so sweet to see him there. I want to see him again so badly. I hope that it doesn't take a long time for that to happen again. We have a lot going on in our lives right now. So, having this dream of Chandler was a huge gift. Thank you Lord!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Moving
Well, the news is out. We are moving. We are leaving Roanoke, Virginia and going back to Wake Forest, NC. Chad will be going back to school to work on his Master's degree. This hasn't been an easy decision to make, especially for me. I don't like the timing of it all. Couldn't this have happened 2 years ago? That would have been better for me. But, God's timing is not our timing.
We've made such great friends here. Of course, moving doesn't mean the friendship will end. I've had long distance friendships since 1989, when I moved from Alabama. So, if there is anything I know how to do, it would be to keep a friendship going even with the distance. As I think about the many great friends that I have, it has hit me that even though there is distance between us, you would never know it when we get together. That's a blessing! I know that I will experience the same thing with the friends I have made here. I have no doubt that we'll still be friends. The hard part is not seeing them as often. I'm used to hanging out with my friends regularly. Plus, my friends have been such a huge blessing for me over the past 15 months. They have been so loving and supportive of me as I have grieved and continue to grieve over Chandler. They have all been so perfect. They've laughed with me and cried with me. I don't know what I would have done without my friends. And, I still need them!
The hardest part about moving from here is the fact that we had Chandler with us in the home we are living in now. I can look around my home now and remember him here. I can look in my kitchen and see him standing there making his chocolate milk and waffle. I can walk in his bedroom and see it as if he were still here (even though the bed is in a different place because Corben is in there). I look out in the back yard and I see him there. I see him working in the yard and playing around with the kids. I look out our front door as one of the kids walk to the mailbox and I see Chandler walking down that driveway. There are just so many memories of him here. When we go to another home, it will be different. We won't have the memories of him in that house. Another thing we have to do is pack up his stuff. All of his stuff; clothing, shoes, games, school stuff, etc. is still in his room, in it's place. I haven't packed anything up. I haven't wanted to. I like that I can walk in there and open a drawer and see his stuff there just like it was when he was here. If I want to go grab a shirt or jacket and hold it close or even wear it, I can do that. I'm not getting rid of anything! I don't even want to pack it up and just store it. I want it assessible. So, our goal is to find a nice big chest to put at the foot of my bed. I'll put Chandler's stuff there and I'll always have it with me. I know it's just "stuff" but it's "Chandler's stuff". And, to me, that means everything. I cherish it all! Holding one of his shirts close to me is the closest thing I can get to a hug from him now. There is no comparison at all but sometimes I need that. So, one day, in the next few months, we have to go through Chandler's room and pack it up to move. Even though, it will only be put away temporarily so that we can get it to another place, it is still going to be a hard and emotional thing for us to do.
Another thing I've had to deal with since we began talking about going back to school is the fact that Chandler is buried here. My biggest fear when we were planning his funeral and deciding what to do about burial was that we might move one day and then his grave would be here. I thought the best thing to do would be to cremate him. Then, he could go everywhere we went. In the end, we did bury him. I had no idea that so soon after we chose to bury him that I would be having to face moving and leaving the area where his grave is. When we first started discussing leaving, that is the first thing that popped into my mind. It broke my heart. I know Chandler is not there at that grave. It's just a shell. But, that's "my" shell. The shell of "my son". If I want to go visit his memorial, I can. Plus, one of my pet peeves at the cemetery is seeing flowers that are so faded and ugly. You can tell that no one has been there in forever. I understand that that happens. I'm sure that eventually families die out or no one lives close enough to get there so there is no way to have fresh looking flowers all of the time. But, I don't want that for my son's grave. I want his grave to look nice. I want to "see" the love of his family in those flowers when I approach his grave. I want to "feel" our love for him when I walk up to it. Maybe all that is selfish but it's the way I feel. So, I will do everything in my power to get back here regularly to attend to his grave.
There are some pros to moving to Wake Forest. One of them is that it is only a 2 1/2 hour drive. So, that makes it easy for me to come back regularly to visit Chandler's grave, to visit friends, to come get my hair done (yes, I'm going to come back here for my hair appointments). I've found a great girl that does my hair beautifully and I am not going through the stress of finding another one. Because we've lived in Wake Forest before (for 7 years), we also still have some great friends in the area. So, that is helpful. To go somewhere new where we don't know anybody would have been so much harder. Now, for the best "pro" in going back to Wake Forest. We lived there from the time Chandler was 4 1/2 to almost 11 years old. So, we have tons of memories of Chandler there. We've been to visit a few times since Chandler passed away and as I drive around the area, memories come to mind of when we lived there and the things we did with him. I drove through town one time telling Corben and Carlie, "I went with Chandler on a field trip there one time." "That's where Chandler played Upward Basketball, etc". So, for me, having memories of Chandler there is so helpful. We won't have memories of him in our home there but we can drive anywhere in the area and remember our previous years there with Chandler and Caleb. I just wish Chandler was going with us so badly. Chandler and Caleb loved Wake Forest. They talked about it all the time after we moved from there. It is "home" to them. If Chandler were here with us today, he would be ecstatic that we were going back there.
So, I as I close this blog, I just want to ask friends and family to pray. Pray for our transition. Pray that we see God in all of this. We have a house that needs to sell. We need to find housing in Wake Forest. Chad needs a job in Wake Forest. I'm also dealing with something personally that I won't share here, but I would just ask for you to pray for me. Pray that I can stop thinking about it and just turn it over to God and let him be in control of it. I have some sinful feelings in me that I need to release. They aren't helping me any and there is certainly nothing I can do about the situation. Pray for the kids as they prepare to move away from their friends as well. They do all have friends in WF which is good but they've gotten comfortable here. They love their friends here and this has been "home" for almost 4 1/2 years now.
We've made such great friends here. Of course, moving doesn't mean the friendship will end. I've had long distance friendships since 1989, when I moved from Alabama. So, if there is anything I know how to do, it would be to keep a friendship going even with the distance. As I think about the many great friends that I have, it has hit me that even though there is distance between us, you would never know it when we get together. That's a blessing! I know that I will experience the same thing with the friends I have made here. I have no doubt that we'll still be friends. The hard part is not seeing them as often. I'm used to hanging out with my friends regularly. Plus, my friends have been such a huge blessing for me over the past 15 months. They have been so loving and supportive of me as I have grieved and continue to grieve over Chandler. They have all been so perfect. They've laughed with me and cried with me. I don't know what I would have done without my friends. And, I still need them!
The hardest part about moving from here is the fact that we had Chandler with us in the home we are living in now. I can look around my home now and remember him here. I can look in my kitchen and see him standing there making his chocolate milk and waffle. I can walk in his bedroom and see it as if he were still here (even though the bed is in a different place because Corben is in there). I look out in the back yard and I see him there. I see him working in the yard and playing around with the kids. I look out our front door as one of the kids walk to the mailbox and I see Chandler walking down that driveway. There are just so many memories of him here. When we go to another home, it will be different. We won't have the memories of him in that house. Another thing we have to do is pack up his stuff. All of his stuff; clothing, shoes, games, school stuff, etc. is still in his room, in it's place. I haven't packed anything up. I haven't wanted to. I like that I can walk in there and open a drawer and see his stuff there just like it was when he was here. If I want to go grab a shirt or jacket and hold it close or even wear it, I can do that. I'm not getting rid of anything! I don't even want to pack it up and just store it. I want it assessible. So, our goal is to find a nice big chest to put at the foot of my bed. I'll put Chandler's stuff there and I'll always have it with me. I know it's just "stuff" but it's "Chandler's stuff". And, to me, that means everything. I cherish it all! Holding one of his shirts close to me is the closest thing I can get to a hug from him now. There is no comparison at all but sometimes I need that. So, one day, in the next few months, we have to go through Chandler's room and pack it up to move. Even though, it will only be put away temporarily so that we can get it to another place, it is still going to be a hard and emotional thing for us to do.
Another thing I've had to deal with since we began talking about going back to school is the fact that Chandler is buried here. My biggest fear when we were planning his funeral and deciding what to do about burial was that we might move one day and then his grave would be here. I thought the best thing to do would be to cremate him. Then, he could go everywhere we went. In the end, we did bury him. I had no idea that so soon after we chose to bury him that I would be having to face moving and leaving the area where his grave is. When we first started discussing leaving, that is the first thing that popped into my mind. It broke my heart. I know Chandler is not there at that grave. It's just a shell. But, that's "my" shell. The shell of "my son". If I want to go visit his memorial, I can. Plus, one of my pet peeves at the cemetery is seeing flowers that are so faded and ugly. You can tell that no one has been there in forever. I understand that that happens. I'm sure that eventually families die out or no one lives close enough to get there so there is no way to have fresh looking flowers all of the time. But, I don't want that for my son's grave. I want his grave to look nice. I want to "see" the love of his family in those flowers when I approach his grave. I want to "feel" our love for him when I walk up to it. Maybe all that is selfish but it's the way I feel. So, I will do everything in my power to get back here regularly to attend to his grave.
There are some pros to moving to Wake Forest. One of them is that it is only a 2 1/2 hour drive. So, that makes it easy for me to come back regularly to visit Chandler's grave, to visit friends, to come get my hair done (yes, I'm going to come back here for my hair appointments). I've found a great girl that does my hair beautifully and I am not going through the stress of finding another one. Because we've lived in Wake Forest before (for 7 years), we also still have some great friends in the area. So, that is helpful. To go somewhere new where we don't know anybody would have been so much harder. Now, for the best "pro" in going back to Wake Forest. We lived there from the time Chandler was 4 1/2 to almost 11 years old. So, we have tons of memories of Chandler there. We've been to visit a few times since Chandler passed away and as I drive around the area, memories come to mind of when we lived there and the things we did with him. I drove through town one time telling Corben and Carlie, "I went with Chandler on a field trip there one time." "That's where Chandler played Upward Basketball, etc". So, for me, having memories of Chandler there is so helpful. We won't have memories of him in our home there but we can drive anywhere in the area and remember our previous years there with Chandler and Caleb. I just wish Chandler was going with us so badly. Chandler and Caleb loved Wake Forest. They talked about it all the time after we moved from there. It is "home" to them. If Chandler were here with us today, he would be ecstatic that we were going back there.
So, I as I close this blog, I just want to ask friends and family to pray. Pray for our transition. Pray that we see God in all of this. We have a house that needs to sell. We need to find housing in Wake Forest. Chad needs a job in Wake Forest. I'm also dealing with something personally that I won't share here, but I would just ask for you to pray for me. Pray that I can stop thinking about it and just turn it over to God and let him be in control of it. I have some sinful feelings in me that I need to release. They aren't helping me any and there is certainly nothing I can do about the situation. Pray for the kids as they prepare to move away from their friends as well. They do all have friends in WF which is good but they've gotten comfortable here. They love their friends here and this has been "home" for almost 4 1/2 years now.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Lack of faith
I haven't blogged a lot lately. I think about it a lot but I just haven't been able to. The last 14 1/2 months have been heartbreaking. They continue to be. It seems like the more time that goes by without Chandler, the harder it is. We all miss him so much! I would give anything to see his smile, hear his voice. I miss him acting goofy and trying to get a laugh! Yesterday, I had to take Caleb up the road. The little ones and I were driving back home and they were singing to the radio. Out of the blue, I just lost it. Tears rolled down my face. I wanted to pull over somewhere and get out of the car and just shout. But, I didn't. Instead, I cried all the way home and did my shouting inside my head.
In addition to my grief, our family has been dealing with some other issues. The issues aren't resolved and we're still working on them. Dealing with it all has affected me in a lot of ways. I feel so discouraged. My faith hasn't been strong at all. As a matter of fact, I've questioned some things. The bad thing is that I question them to myself which isn't helping me at all. I haven't even shared with Chad some of the things I'm dealing with. I haven't picked up my devotion book in months and that used to be a daily thing for me. So, needless to say, I've definitely been in the valley and I'm trying to climb my way out. It's not easy.
I read in my devotion book yesterday for the first time in a long time trying to find any kind of encouragement. I know I'm going to have to put forth some effort if I am to build my faith back up. I'm telling you it's at an all time low right now. So, this morning, I read in my book again. I read the devotion for January 26. I'm going to share it here and then I'll say what I think about it.
I have begun to deliver. . . .Now begin to conquer and possess. (Deuteronomy 2:31)
The Bible has a great deal to say about waiting for God, and the teaching cannot be too strongly emphasized. We so easily become impatient with God's delays. Yet much of our trouble in life is the result of our restless, and sometimes reckless, haste. We cannot wait for the fruit to ripen, but insist on picking it while it is still green. We cannot wait for the answers to our prayers, although it may take many years for the things we pray for to be prepared for us. We are encouraged to walk with God, but often God walks very slowly. Yet there is also another side to this teaching: God often waits for us.
Quite often we fail to receive the blessing He has ready for us because we are not moving forward with Him. While it is true we miss many blessings by not waiting for God, we also lose numerous blessings by overwaiting. There are times when it takes strength to simply sit still, but there are also times when we are to move forward with a confident step.
Many of God's promises are conditional, requiring some initial action on our part. Once we begin to obey, He will begin to bless us. Great things were promised to Abraham, but not one of them could have been obtained had he waited in Chaldea. He had to leave his home, friends, and country, travel unfamiliar paths, and press on in unwavering obedience in order to receive the promises. The ten lepers Jesus healed were told to show themselves to the priest, and "as they went, they were cleansed" (Luke 17:14). If they had waited to see the cleansing come to their bodies before leaving, they would never have seen it. God was waiting to heal them, and the moment their faith began to work, the blessing came.
When the Israelites were entrapped by Pharaoh's pursuing army at the Red Sea, they were commanded to "go forward" (Ex. 14:15 KJV). No longer was it their duty to wait, but to rise up from bended knees and "go forward" with heroic faith. Years later the Israelites were commanded to show their faith again by beginning their march over the Jordan while the river was at its highest point. They held the key to unlock the gate into the Land of Promise in their own hands, and the gate would not begin to turn on its hinges until they had approached and unlocked it. They key was faith.
We are destined to fight certain battles, and we think we can never be victorious and conquer our enemies. Yet as we enter the conflict, One comes who fights by our side. Through Him we are "more than conquerors" (Rom. 8:37). If we had waited in fear and trembling for our Helper to come before we would enter the battle, we would have waited in vain. This would have been the overwaiting of unbelief. God is waiting to pour out His richest blessings on you. "Go forward" with bold confidence and take what is yours. "I have begun to deliver. . . .Now begin to conquer and possess." J. R. Miller
*********************************************************************************
So, I could really relate to this devotion. It made sense to me. I've thought, "maybe this devotion was specifically for me on this day". But, then I also think "it's just a coincidence" God isn't actually giving me these words for today. I just don't know what to believe. Because of my lack of faith these days, it's possible that I'm waiting on God to do something when he's really waiting on me to make the move. Am I waiting in vain? But, there are so many questions my family has about what's going on and we still don't have answers. Without some of those answers, it's hard to move forward. With a lack of faith, how am I supposed to take a step and move toward God and whatever he has for the Coleman family?
What if the key to blessings for my family and our "Land of Promise" is my faith? Then, right now, my faith isn't working for us. It's actually hurting us? But, how do I restore my faith? I've been in this valley for so long that I don't know how to get out. What if I get out and there still aren't any changes? What if it's meant to be for me to struggle my entire life? I just have so many questions and no answers. I would really love to sit with God and have a chat and have Him give me the answers. I would even settle for him sending me a letter in the mail. But, none of that is happening. He's not speaking to me personally so it just makes all of this so difficult. Then again, maybe today He did speak to me through this devotion. It is possible. But, what if it wasn't a word from Him for me today? It just happened to be the devotion for today's date. I just have so many questions and I don't know what to do. I don't know what step to take next. I'll get a little feeling of encouragement but I go right back to where I was. It's one step up and two steps back for me.
If you think of the Coleman family at all throughout the day, please say a prayer for us. We have a lot going on and we could use those extra prayers for guidance and wisdom in making decisions for our family. Thank you!
In addition to my grief, our family has been dealing with some other issues. The issues aren't resolved and we're still working on them. Dealing with it all has affected me in a lot of ways. I feel so discouraged. My faith hasn't been strong at all. As a matter of fact, I've questioned some things. The bad thing is that I question them to myself which isn't helping me at all. I haven't even shared with Chad some of the things I'm dealing with. I haven't picked up my devotion book in months and that used to be a daily thing for me. So, needless to say, I've definitely been in the valley and I'm trying to climb my way out. It's not easy.
I read in my devotion book yesterday for the first time in a long time trying to find any kind of encouragement. I know I'm going to have to put forth some effort if I am to build my faith back up. I'm telling you it's at an all time low right now. So, this morning, I read in my book again. I read the devotion for January 26. I'm going to share it here and then I'll say what I think about it.
I have begun to deliver. . . .Now begin to conquer and possess. (Deuteronomy 2:31)
The Bible has a great deal to say about waiting for God, and the teaching cannot be too strongly emphasized. We so easily become impatient with God's delays. Yet much of our trouble in life is the result of our restless, and sometimes reckless, haste. We cannot wait for the fruit to ripen, but insist on picking it while it is still green. We cannot wait for the answers to our prayers, although it may take many years for the things we pray for to be prepared for us. We are encouraged to walk with God, but often God walks very slowly. Yet there is also another side to this teaching: God often waits for us.
Quite often we fail to receive the blessing He has ready for us because we are not moving forward with Him. While it is true we miss many blessings by not waiting for God, we also lose numerous blessings by overwaiting. There are times when it takes strength to simply sit still, but there are also times when we are to move forward with a confident step.
Many of God's promises are conditional, requiring some initial action on our part. Once we begin to obey, He will begin to bless us. Great things were promised to Abraham, but not one of them could have been obtained had he waited in Chaldea. He had to leave his home, friends, and country, travel unfamiliar paths, and press on in unwavering obedience in order to receive the promises. The ten lepers Jesus healed were told to show themselves to the priest, and "as they went, they were cleansed" (Luke 17:14). If they had waited to see the cleansing come to their bodies before leaving, they would never have seen it. God was waiting to heal them, and the moment their faith began to work, the blessing came.
When the Israelites were entrapped by Pharaoh's pursuing army at the Red Sea, they were commanded to "go forward" (Ex. 14:15 KJV). No longer was it their duty to wait, but to rise up from bended knees and "go forward" with heroic faith. Years later the Israelites were commanded to show their faith again by beginning their march over the Jordan while the river was at its highest point. They held the key to unlock the gate into the Land of Promise in their own hands, and the gate would not begin to turn on its hinges until they had approached and unlocked it. They key was faith.
We are destined to fight certain battles, and we think we can never be victorious and conquer our enemies. Yet as we enter the conflict, One comes who fights by our side. Through Him we are "more than conquerors" (Rom. 8:37). If we had waited in fear and trembling for our Helper to come before we would enter the battle, we would have waited in vain. This would have been the overwaiting of unbelief. God is waiting to pour out His richest blessings on you. "Go forward" with bold confidence and take what is yours. "I have begun to deliver. . . .Now begin to conquer and possess." J. R. Miller
*********************************************************************************
So, I could really relate to this devotion. It made sense to me. I've thought, "maybe this devotion was specifically for me on this day". But, then I also think "it's just a coincidence" God isn't actually giving me these words for today. I just don't know what to believe. Because of my lack of faith these days, it's possible that I'm waiting on God to do something when he's really waiting on me to make the move. Am I waiting in vain? But, there are so many questions my family has about what's going on and we still don't have answers. Without some of those answers, it's hard to move forward. With a lack of faith, how am I supposed to take a step and move toward God and whatever he has for the Coleman family?
What if the key to blessings for my family and our "Land of Promise" is my faith? Then, right now, my faith isn't working for us. It's actually hurting us? But, how do I restore my faith? I've been in this valley for so long that I don't know how to get out. What if I get out and there still aren't any changes? What if it's meant to be for me to struggle my entire life? I just have so many questions and no answers. I would really love to sit with God and have a chat and have Him give me the answers. I would even settle for him sending me a letter in the mail. But, none of that is happening. He's not speaking to me personally so it just makes all of this so difficult. Then again, maybe today He did speak to me through this devotion. It is possible. But, what if it wasn't a word from Him for me today? It just happened to be the devotion for today's date. I just have so many questions and I don't know what to do. I don't know what step to take next. I'll get a little feeling of encouragement but I go right back to where I was. It's one step up and two steps back for me.
If you think of the Coleman family at all throughout the day, please say a prayer for us. We have a lot going on and we could use those extra prayers for guidance and wisdom in making decisions for our family. Thank you!
Monday, December 19, 2011
Whispers from Heaven
Today started out as just a typical day. But, this afternoon was filled with quite a few surprises. I had to take Caleb to his chemistry class. After he was finished, I took him, Nathan (a friend who's visiting), Corben and Carlie and dropped them off at the church so that they could be there for Corben's Upward basketball practice. I needed to come home and get some things done. The first thing I did when I got home was check the mail. I also noticed when I pulled up into my driveway that I had a package on my front porch. So, I brought all of my mail in. I started to open the mail. There were several Christmas cards. A couple of the cards brought tears to my eyes - a lot of tears! Since Chandler went to heaven, I've been blessed with a lot of new friends. These are special friends but I've never met them in person. The sad thing is that we have become friends because we have all lost a child. We are grieving moms. Although most of us haven't met each other, we care for one another. We keep in touch on a Facebook page where we leave messages of all kinds. We share our pain, our beautiful memories of our children, our sadness, our encouragement to one another, our frustration, etc. If we are having an especially bad day, we can go there and let it all out and we know that all of the other moms will be lifting us up in prayer for that day. If we are having a good day or we've received a word from the Lord, we can go there and share with the others. We remember our children's birthdays together and we also remember the days that they left us for heaven. It is an amazing group of women. It's just sad the way we met and what we all have in common. I said all of that to say that one of those ladies sent me a beautiful card today with a bookmark in it that had a great poem. It says:
No Tears in Heaven
There are no tears in Heaven
nor grief of any kind;
I leave this final teardrop
to those I've left behind.
Though absent from the body,
I'm present with the Lord;
the joy of my salvation
is now my full reward.
And just as God has promised,
He's wiped my tears away,
and nothing can compare to
the wonder of that day.
So keep me in your memory
and know that up above
there are no tears in Heaven,
instead there's only Love.
(Thank you Jan!)
I received another card from our next door neighbors from when we lived in Chesapeake. I used to baby sit their boys. They have sent us a Christmas card every year since we left Chesapeake back in 1999. Last year, I received her card and realized that I hadn't told her about Chandler. So, I had the difficult job of writing her a letter and telling her about what happened. This year, in her card, she sent something. She said she had enclosed some "memories". There were several pictures of Chandler and Caleb with her 2 boys. They were all so little. Chandler and Caleb were only about 3 and 4 years old. I just cried and cried looking at those pictures and remembering those times. I was so touched that she sent them. What a wonderful gift!
I started to open the package that was on the porch. It was from my family. In it were some dragonflies for me to put on our Christmas tree. There were some other special gifts. My parents go to church with a lady who has also lost a son. She has sent me several notes and things over the past year to encourage. She's a little farther along in the grieving process so she takes what she has learned and helps others who are going through it. She sent me a beautiful glass ornament with Chandler's name written on it. In it is a feather and a poem attached that says:
A feather from an angel
is one we rarely see.
But this one is quite different
and special as can be.
The feather is a reminder
of God's unending love.
He sent a guardian angel
to watch you from above.
Every time you stumble,
every time you fall,
Thank God for His angels
who watch over us all.
She also sent a beautiful wind chime with an angel on top. Chandler's name is written on the part that bangs against the chimes. It also came with a poem:
Whispers from Heaven
When I left this world without you
I know it made you blue,
Your tears fell freely, I watched;
I know this is true.
While you were weeping,
Days after I passed away
While all was silent within me,
I saw you kneel to pray.
From this wonderful place called Heaven,
Where all my pain is gone,
I send a gentle breeze to whisper,
"My loved ones, please go on"
(Thank you Judy! You are a blessing!)
I've put the new ornament on the tree as well as the dragonflies. Also on our tree this year is a new ornament for each of us. The other new ornaments we have this year are ones we have made. We have Chandler's ornaments on their that people have given us as gifts. I have his dove from one of his flower arrangements. I have a strand of dragonfly lights on the tree as well and his hat that is topping our tree once again. To me, it's the perfect tree!
Another interesting thing about this afternoon is that I was home alone. All of these things came on a day where I could just enjoy them, think of Chandler and cry. I cried and cried. The timing was perfect. There were no distractions. I was just able to be in the midst of all of these special things by myself. I feel like all of these things were "whispers from heaven" for me today. I feel like I had Christmas today and the best thing is I feel like these gifts were from Chandler. I needed this afternoon and I'm very thankful that God worked it all out this way.
I love you Chandler!
No Tears in Heaven
There are no tears in Heaven
nor grief of any kind;
I leave this final teardrop
to those I've left behind.
Though absent from the body,
I'm present with the Lord;
the joy of my salvation
is now my full reward.
And just as God has promised,
He's wiped my tears away,
and nothing can compare to
the wonder of that day.
So keep me in your memory
and know that up above
there are no tears in Heaven,
instead there's only Love.
(Thank you Jan!)
I received another card from our next door neighbors from when we lived in Chesapeake. I used to baby sit their boys. They have sent us a Christmas card every year since we left Chesapeake back in 1999. Last year, I received her card and realized that I hadn't told her about Chandler. So, I had the difficult job of writing her a letter and telling her about what happened. This year, in her card, she sent something. She said she had enclosed some "memories". There were several pictures of Chandler and Caleb with her 2 boys. They were all so little. Chandler and Caleb were only about 3 and 4 years old. I just cried and cried looking at those pictures and remembering those times. I was so touched that she sent them. What a wonderful gift!
I started to open the package that was on the porch. It was from my family. In it were some dragonflies for me to put on our Christmas tree. There were some other special gifts. My parents go to church with a lady who has also lost a son. She has sent me several notes and things over the past year to encourage. She's a little farther along in the grieving process so she takes what she has learned and helps others who are going through it. She sent me a beautiful glass ornament with Chandler's name written on it. In it is a feather and a poem attached that says:
A feather from an angel
is one we rarely see.
But this one is quite different
and special as can be.
The feather is a reminder
of God's unending love.
He sent a guardian angel
to watch you from above.
Every time you stumble,
every time you fall,
Thank God for His angels
who watch over us all.
She also sent a beautiful wind chime with an angel on top. Chandler's name is written on the part that bangs against the chimes. It also came with a poem:
Whispers from Heaven
When I left this world without you
I know it made you blue,
Your tears fell freely, I watched;
I know this is true.
While you were weeping,
Days after I passed away
While all was silent within me,
I saw you kneel to pray.
From this wonderful place called Heaven,
Where all my pain is gone,
I send a gentle breeze to whisper,
"My loved ones, please go on"
(Thank you Judy! You are a blessing!)
I've put the new ornament on the tree as well as the dragonflies. Also on our tree this year is a new ornament for each of us. The other new ornaments we have this year are ones we have made. We have Chandler's ornaments on their that people have given us as gifts. I have his dove from one of his flower arrangements. I have a strand of dragonfly lights on the tree as well and his hat that is topping our tree once again. To me, it's the perfect tree!
Another interesting thing about this afternoon is that I was home alone. All of these things came on a day where I could just enjoy them, think of Chandler and cry. I cried and cried. The timing was perfect. There were no distractions. I was just able to be in the midst of all of these special things by myself. I feel like all of these things were "whispers from heaven" for me today. I feel like I had Christmas today and the best thing is I feel like these gifts were from Chandler. I needed this afternoon and I'm very thankful that God worked it all out this way.
I love you Chandler!
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Resolutions for Bereaved Parents
I received the following in an email today:
Resolutions for Bereaved Parents:
I will grieve as much and for as long as I feel like grieving, and I will not let others put a time table on my grief.
I will grieve in whatever way I feel like grieving, and I will ignore those who try to tell me what I should or should not be feeling and how I should or should not be behaving.
I will cry whenever and wherever I feel like crying, and I will not hold back my tears just because someone else feels I should be "brave" or "getting better" or "healing by now."
I will talk about my child as often as I want to, and I will not let others turn me off just because they can't deal with their own feelings.
I will not expect family and friends to know how I feel, understanding that one who has not lost a child cannot possibly know how it feels.
I will not blame myself for my child's death, and I will constantly remind myself that I did the best job of parenting I could possibly have done. But when feelings of guilt are overwhelming me, I will remind myself that this is a normal part of the grief process and it will pass.
I will not be afraid or ashamed to seek professional help if I feel it is necessary.
I will commune with my child at least once a day in whatever way feels comfortable and natural to me, and I won't feel compelled to explain this communication to others or to justify--or even discuss it--with them.
I will try to eat, sleep and exercise every day in order to give my body strength it will need to help me cope with my grief.
I will know that I am not losing my mind and I will remind myself that loss of memory, feelings of disorientation, lack of energy and a sense of vulnerability are all normal parts of the grief process.
I know that I will heal, even though it will take a long time. I will let myself heal and not feel guilty about feeling better when it starts to happen.
I will remind myself that the grief process is circuitous--that is, I will not make steady upward progress. And when I find myself slipping back into the old moods of despair and depression, I will tell myself that "slipping backward" is also a normal part of the grief process, and these moods, too, will pass.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Holiday Bill of Rights
I received an email today that had the Holiday Bill of Rights for those who are grieving. It was found in a grief newsletter that someone received. It is perfect and I wanted to be sure that I always had it so I'm sharing it here.
HOLIDAY BILL of RIGHTS
1. You have the right to say TIME OUT, any time you need to. Time out to let
up, blow a little steam, step away from the holidays, have a "huddle" time
and start over.
2. You have a right to TELL IT LIKE IT IS when people ask, How are you? You
have a right to tell them how you REALLY feel, not just what they want to
hear. *You need to take care of yourself. Be attuned to your feelings (*P.S.
You also have the right to smile and say you're fine, because telling them how
you really feel, isn't worth your time - some people will never understand
anyway)
3. You have the right to SOME "BAH HUMBUG" DAYS. You don't have to be "Jolly
Old St. Nicholas" all the time. You are not a bad person just because you
don't feel like singing Christmas carols all day.
4. You have the right to DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY. There is no law that says
you must always do Chanukah and Christmas the same way. You can send 10
cards instead of 100 -- or no cards at all. You can open presents at
somebody else's house. You can do without a tree. You can have a pizza
instead of turkey!-the list is endless.
5. You have the right to BE WHERE YOU WANT TO BE. Be at home, or at the
relatives or with friends. Be in any city, any state you choose! NOBODY SAID
YOU HAVE TO HAVE SNOW TO HAVE CHRISTMAS. There's no law that says you must
stay home!
6. You have the right to have SOME FUN. Don't be afraid of what someone will
say if they see you laughing and having a good time. Laughter is every bit
as therapeutic as tears. If you are doing something that your loved one
would have also enjoyed, think of their laughter and feel their laughter
inside of you.
7. You have the right to CHANGE DIRECTION IN MID-STREAM. Grief is
unpredictable. You may be all ready to go somewhere or do something and be
suddenly overwhelmed, immobilized. When that happens it's okay to change
your mind.
8. You have the right to DO THINGS AT DIFFERENT TIMES. Go to church or
synagogue at a different time. Open presents at a different time. Serve your
meal at a different time. Give up and go to bed at a different time. Don't
be a slave to the holiday clock.
9. You have the right to REST, PEACE, and SOLITUDE. You don't need to be
busy all the time. Take a nap whenever you need one. Take time to pray and
meditate or recharge your spirit, it can do you much more good than eating
another huge meal.
10. You have the right TO DO IT ALL DIFFERENT AGAIN NEXT YEAR. Just because you change things one year or try something different, does not mean you have written it in stone. Next year, you can always change it back or do it, in yet, another new way.
Monday, November 14, 2011
1 Year
I have just lived through the worst year of my entire life. I have cried more this year than I have throughout my life. It has been an emotional year and a tiring year. One thing I've learned is that grief will wear you out. I never imagined that our family would be on this journey. It's something every parent fears but you never think it will happen to you. Sometimes, it's still hard for me to believe that it has happened to us. What we're going through seems so surreal sometimes.
People say to me "I don't know how you do it". Honestly, I don't either! It's the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. All I know is that I have no other choice but to do it. I have 3 other kids that still need me. I have a husband. I have family. I have friends (so many great friends)! It's because of the people in my life that I have to go on. Trust me, it would be so much easier to give up! But, how would that help the people around me? So, as hard as it is, I have to continue on, one day at a time.
I've learned this year that Chandler has a ton of great friends, and so do we! We've had so many people thinking of us and praying for us and doing everything they can to help us during this time. I've been amazed at the love and support.
As we've gone through the past year, there have been tons of "firsts" that we've had to deal with; holidays, birthdays, vacation, etc. Every day is hard but those days are extra hard! As we did different things throughout the year, I could remember back to the past year and remember when Chandler was with us and the different things he did or said. One of the things that bothers me about approaching the 1 year anniversary is that I don't have that anymore. We won't have memories of Chandler from last year. That bothers me because the time that he was with us is just going to be farther away. We do still have the memories and I'm thankful for that. I just don't like the distance that's coming between those memories.
I've always known that I was blessed with some great kids! I'm proud of all of them. I'm even more proud of them today than I was a year ago. I've learned things about Chandler from other people over the last year that I didn't know about. It's been nice to hear about the different things. They've all been great things and they make me love him even more. It's the same way with my other kids. Caleb has been amazing! He has been so strong in dealing with all of this. I was worried about him because he was there the day of accident. He witnessed what happened to his brother/friend. But, he has kept his faith and he remembers the good things about his brother. He has been an inspiration to many, including me. Corben and Carlie are young but they've been amazing as well. Early on, Carlie would comfort me when she saw me at my saddest times. She would sit beside me and rub on me or just be close. Corben talks about Chandler a lot. He'll talk about things that he remembers Chandler doing or things that he said. The kids will say something about him nearly every day. That's important! They are young and I want them to hold onto those memories. I don't want them to forget.
As we start a new year tomorrow without Chandler, I don't know what to expect. It's hard for me to believe that we've gone on this long. Our family is incomplete and we're having to learn day by day how to live that way. We'll just keep doing what we're doing and pray that God continues to hold onto us until we're all together again some day.
The past week has been very emotional and tiring as we've celebrated Chandler's first birthday without him here with us as well as his 1st anniversary in heaven. We are exhausted! But, we're leaving tomorrow afternoon for some time of respite. Chad has been blessed with some time off. On top of that, we've had some wonderful people open up their beach home to us so that we can get away as a family. I am so thankful for this opportunity for our family. We need it! I'm hoping we can come home refreshed. We still have the holidays ahead which I'm not looking forward to. But, hopefully, the time away will allow me to relax and come back ready and able to take on Thanksgiving and Christmas.
My sister sent me a text today and I want to share something she said. It's the only good thing I could say about it being the one year anniversary: "We're a year closer to being with him again".
Chandler, I love you and miss you so much. You are always in my thoughts and you will always be in my heart. I look forward to the day when I see you again. Be ready to receive the biggest and longest hug ever.
People say to me "I don't know how you do it". Honestly, I don't either! It's the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. All I know is that I have no other choice but to do it. I have 3 other kids that still need me. I have a husband. I have family. I have friends (so many great friends)! It's because of the people in my life that I have to go on. Trust me, it would be so much easier to give up! But, how would that help the people around me? So, as hard as it is, I have to continue on, one day at a time.
I've learned this year that Chandler has a ton of great friends, and so do we! We've had so many people thinking of us and praying for us and doing everything they can to help us during this time. I've been amazed at the love and support.
As we've gone through the past year, there have been tons of "firsts" that we've had to deal with; holidays, birthdays, vacation, etc. Every day is hard but those days are extra hard! As we did different things throughout the year, I could remember back to the past year and remember when Chandler was with us and the different things he did or said. One of the things that bothers me about approaching the 1 year anniversary is that I don't have that anymore. We won't have memories of Chandler from last year. That bothers me because the time that he was with us is just going to be farther away. We do still have the memories and I'm thankful for that. I just don't like the distance that's coming between those memories.
I've always known that I was blessed with some great kids! I'm proud of all of them. I'm even more proud of them today than I was a year ago. I've learned things about Chandler from other people over the last year that I didn't know about. It's been nice to hear about the different things. They've all been great things and they make me love him even more. It's the same way with my other kids. Caleb has been amazing! He has been so strong in dealing with all of this. I was worried about him because he was there the day of accident. He witnessed what happened to his brother/friend. But, he has kept his faith and he remembers the good things about his brother. He has been an inspiration to many, including me. Corben and Carlie are young but they've been amazing as well. Early on, Carlie would comfort me when she saw me at my saddest times. She would sit beside me and rub on me or just be close. Corben talks about Chandler a lot. He'll talk about things that he remembers Chandler doing or things that he said. The kids will say something about him nearly every day. That's important! They are young and I want them to hold onto those memories. I don't want them to forget.
As we start a new year tomorrow without Chandler, I don't know what to expect. It's hard for me to believe that we've gone on this long. Our family is incomplete and we're having to learn day by day how to live that way. We'll just keep doing what we're doing and pray that God continues to hold onto us until we're all together again some day.
The past week has been very emotional and tiring as we've celebrated Chandler's first birthday without him here with us as well as his 1st anniversary in heaven. We are exhausted! But, we're leaving tomorrow afternoon for some time of respite. Chad has been blessed with some time off. On top of that, we've had some wonderful people open up their beach home to us so that we can get away as a family. I am so thankful for this opportunity for our family. We need it! I'm hoping we can come home refreshed. We still have the holidays ahead which I'm not looking forward to. But, hopefully, the time away will allow me to relax and come back ready and able to take on Thanksgiving and Christmas.
My sister sent me a text today and I want to share something she said. It's the only good thing I could say about it being the one year anniversary: "We're a year closer to being with him again".
Chandler, I love you and miss you so much. You are always in my thoughts and you will always be in my heart. I look forward to the day when I see you again. Be ready to receive the biggest and longest hug ever.
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