A Disturbing Dream

I just don't get it!  Sometime in the wee hours of the morning, I woke up.  This time, it was a dream that woke me up.  I always want so badly to dream about Chandler.  I can't have him here with us so it would be nice to at least see him in a dream.  I've only had about 2 brief ones so far and neither was good.  Last night was the same thing.  The dream was longer but it wasn't pleasant at all.  It wasn't comforting.  It was very disturbing.  When I woke up, I got up to go check on the kids thinking that it might help me to get my mind off of what I had just experienced in the dream.  Then, I went back to bed.  My mind was going crazy.  I couldn't clear it.  My eyes watered with tears.  I was so close to just getting up and going to the other room to read or do something to distract myself for a while.  But, I didn't.  Instead, I laid in bed trying to think of everything I could to get my mind off of the dream so that I could go back to sleep.  Of course, it was really hard to do because what I really wanted was to know "why did I have that dream?"  I miss Chandler so much and it hurts so badly to not have him here with us.  Then, I have this dream that is so disturbing.  How is that helping me?  It's NOT!!  It makes me question things and wonder things that I should not be thinking about.  So, after a while, I was finally able to fall asleep and get a few more hours rest before I had to get up for the day.  Of course, since I've been up, my mind keeps drifting back to last night.  I've cried.  I've looked at Chandler's pictures.  I miss him so much!!  I hate that I had that dream.  I don't understand it.  Maybe, it's not supposed to mean anything but it was so upsetting to me that I can't help but wonder why my mind had to go there.  I just hope and pray it doesn't happen again. 

10 months!

Another month has gone by without Chandler here with us.  It seems like it's been so long since we've seen him.  Yet, it also feels like just yesterday I walked out of the hospital, leaving him behind.  It's all still so fresh in my memory.  There are times when I'll be driving down the road and out of the blue my mind will start thinking of that horrible time in the hospital.  I see Chandler in that hospital bed and it just kills me.  There was nothing I could do to help him.  A mama wants to help her children and I couldn't do that.  I was in church this past Sunday morning and for some reason my mind went back to the funeral.  I could see Chandler's casket down in the front of the church.  I don't know why my mind went there.  It just happened.

A lot of people probably think 'it's been 10 months, they should be fine now'.  Until people are in the shoes we're in, they'll never know what it's like.  It's hell!  10 months doesn't mean I'm better!  10 months means it has been that long since I've heard my sweet boy's voice.  It's been 10 months since I've heard his wonderful, contagious laugh!  It's been so long since I've seen him walk through the house, work in the yard, or play with his brothers and sister.  10 months means I miss him more and more each day.  I never thought I could miss someone the way I miss him!  There are days when I just want to scream.  I want to cuss.  I want to just run through the house and break things.  Sometimes, I just want to give up.  As horrible as it sounds, I've thought "what if our entire family was just involved in a car accident and we were all killed"?  Then, we would all be together.  I'm not thinking of doing anything crazy like that but that is the things that go through the mind of a grieving mother. 

Corben and Carlie were recently watching some of Chandler's videos.  They talk about him and see his pictures everywhere.  It breaks my heart that they don't have their biggest brother here with them.  He was so good at playing with them and including them in things.  I also wish he was here for Caleb.  They were close in age so it was always 'Chandler & Caleb'.  It's very different to see Caleb - without Chandler.  Caleb has really grown up the past year.  I guess he really hasn't had a choice.  Losing a sibling will change you.  He makes me so proud.  I would love for Chandler to be here to see Caleb as he plays and sings in the praise team in the youth group and he plays soccer and as he learns to drive.  I also see the changes in Caleb as far as his looks go and how much he's growing and I would love to see that in Chandler as well.

Corben sleeps in Chandler's room now.  I went in there 2 weeks ago to get some clothes out for him and got distracted by looking through Chandler's clothes.  I could see him as I looked at some of the clothes, especially the ones that he wore more than others.  I would hold something of his close to me wishing so badly that I was holding onto him.  So, I decided to grab one of his t-shirts and wear it.  I wore that t-shirt to church that night.  Something was said about it and I told them it was Chandler's and then some of the youth recognized it.  I was glad I wore it.  It was somewhat comforting just to have something of his so close to me. 

So, 10 months later, we still hurt.  We still feel the loss every day. There are so many things that trigger the emotions.  Caleb is playing soccer this year for the first time.  The field they play on is directly in front of the hospital that Chandler was in.  So, as I'm sitting there watching Caleb play, my eyes are on the hospital building, where we stood beside Chandler, holding him and praying for him.  Then, there is a building to the right where the life flight helicopters are.  The helicopter that Chandler was brought in on.  The other night, we heard the engine running but it never took off.  At the entrance of the parking lot, there is a Life Net sign.  These are the people that we donated Chandler's organs through.  Apparently, their office is in the building we park behind.  So, at Caleb's first game the other night, I was quite overwhelmed with all this being right there.  I mean when I drive down the highway that takes you past the hospital, I won't even look over that way.  I just get this sick feeling come over me.  Now, I'm having to stare right at it as I watch a soccer game.  But, I'm thankful that while Caleb is playing, I can focus on him and it distracts me from the stuff around me for a while.  I love watching Caleb play.  He's passionate and very energetic and it's exciting to watch him.  I am a very proud mama.  I have been blessed with wonderful children!

I love you Chandler!  I always will!!  Forever, Your Mama

Chandler's laugh

This weekend, Corben and Carlie ran across a voice recorder that belongs to their dad.  All of the kids used to play with it a lot.  They would record things and listen to it.  They put new batteries in it this weekend and started playing around with it.  When I saw that they had it, I asked them if they had heard any old stuff on it.  I knew it was possible that there was stuff on it from Chandler.  They said there was nothing else on it.  So, they played with it all day yesterday and never heard anything on it except what they had been recording and playing back.  This morning, we were getting ready for our co-op group when they were listening to something on it.  One of them brought it to me and asked "who is this?"  It was Chandler!  He was talking and then I heard his laugh!  The laugh got to me!  I miss his laughter so much! It was so sweet to hear yet it was heartbreaking.  If I heard his laughter among a million others, I would be able to pick it out.  So, when I heard that laugh this morning, I just cried.  I was so happy to be able to hear it.  Then, tonight, Carlie was listening to stuff on the recorder again.  I walked by her and heard something and it sounded familiar.  I took it from her and put it up to my ear.  It was Chandler's voice.  Apparently he had written a story one time and he read the entire story on the recorder.  The story is funny and it's definitely an original writing by Chandler.  It's pretty long so I just sat for a while listening to his voice and his laughter.  It was wonderful.  What a treasure to have!

Chandler,

I am so thankful for your humor.  I'm so glad that you loved to laugh so much.  Your laughter puts a smile on my face.  Your laughter is contagious.  I'm glad you liked to write funny stories.  I'm so glad that you sat in your room one day and read aloud one of your stories while playing around on the voice recorder.  I don't know why you did it and I don't know why it never got deleted all of those other times y'all played on that recorder.  I do know that I am so thankful to have it now.  I'm thankful that today I was able to hear your voice and your amazing laughter!  Of course, I wish so badly that you were here with us and I could hear you in person.  But, I'm truly thankful for this gift today.  I will cherish it forever.  We all miss you so much!  Our hearts still hurt and I know they always will.  You are a part of us and we feel so broken without you.  You were and always will be a wonderful son and the best big brother!

I love you so much,
Always your Mom

9 Months

Yesterday was the 9 month anniversary of Chandler living in heaven.  Also, for 9 months I carried Chandler in my womb before he was born.  I can remember those 9 months being so exciting.  I could feel him moving inside of me.  I had already lost a baby before I became pregnant with Chandler.  So, when my pregnancy seemed to be going well with Chandler, I became even more excited.  I was actually going to give birth for the first time.  Those 9 months were so sweet!  But, these last 9 months have been just the opposite - bitter!  My first born isn't here with us anymore.  I'm having to learn to live without one of my children here and it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do!  I notice his absence in everything that we do.  I miss him terribly!!  Recently, I've been getting our curriculum and school supplies to get ready for our new school year.  This year, I can't purchase Chandler's curriculum.  I can't purchase his school supplies.  Chandler should be starting his junior year in high school.  He would be 16 1/2 right now, driving his car, hanging out with his friends, etc.  If he were still here, I have no doubt that he would still be drawing and he would be directing and producing his movies and using his favorite actor, Corben.     

Once again, God got me through another anniversary date.  Every day is still difficult but the anniversaries take me back to the weekend of the accident.  My mind goes back and I see things that are hard to see.  Seeing those images of Chandler aren't pleasant.  To see him lying there in that hospital bed, hooked up to tubes with his body broken is a painful thing.  And that's what happens to me on the anniversaries.  I guess, eventually, those images will fade a little and that won't happen.  But, for now, it still does.  I wasn't sure how I would manage to get through church yesterday.  But, I went.  Of course, on the way to church, Chad had a CD playing in the car and it was Newsboys.  It was the CD that I had bought for Chandler the day before his accident.  As the CD played, it got to one of the songs that was played at his funeral, No Grave.  So, when I heard it start playing, the tears started.  The song is a great song.  The words are perfect but it's a hard one to listen to. 

After church, we went out to lunch with friends.  So, it was helpful in distracting me a little.  After lunch, we went home for a while until Chad had to be back at church.  I needed to get the kids school supplies so I dropped Chad and the kids off at church and I went shopping.  My friends had already texted me and said that they were having dinner out and invited me along.  Well, I couldn't join them because I really needed to get my shopping done.  I was able to get it done pretty quickly and had time left over before I had to go pick Chad and the kids up.  So, I called my friends and they were still out.  They met me at Starbucks and we were able to have a little time together.  Another distraction for me.  These friends have been so good to me and so helpful during this time.  I love you girls! 

We also received a gift and card from a very special family yesterday.  They were just letting us know they were still praying for us and that they miss Chandler too.  We love you guys!

Now, I want to share my devotion from yesterday. I think the timing was perfect.  It was a reminder of being in God's will.  Of course, being in God's will for me right now is painful.  I'm not happy with God's will for our family right now.  I can't see what we're going through as the "best" for our family.  All is can do is hope that in the end, when I reach heaven, all of this pain was worth it. 



You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above. (John 19:11)

     Nothing that is not part of God's will is allowed to come into the life of someone who trusts and obeys Him.  This truth should be enough to make our life one of ceaseless thanksgiving and joy, because God's will is the most hopeful, pleasant, and glorious thing in the world.  It is the continuous working of His omnipotent power for our benefit, with nothing to prevent it, if we remain surrendered and believing.
     Someone who was passing through deep water of affliction wrote a friend: 
     Isn't it glorious to know that no matter how unjust something may be, even when it seems to have come from Satan himself, by the time it reaches us it is God's will for us and will ultimately work to our good?

     "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him" (Rom. 8:28).  Think of what Christ said even as He was betrayed: "Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?" (John 18:11).
     We live fascinating lives if we are living in the center of God's will.  All the attacks that Satan hurls at us through the sins of others are not only powerless to harm us but are transformed into blessings along the way. Hannah Whitall Smith

In the center of the circle
   Of the will of God I stand:
There can come no second causes,
   All must come from His dear hand.
All is well!  for it's my Father
   Who my life has planned.

Shall I pass through waves of sorrow?
   Then I know it will be best;
Though I cannot tell the reason,
   I can trust, and so am blest.
God is Love, and God is faithful.
   So in perfect Peace I rest.

With the shade and with the sunshine,
   With the joy and with the pain,
Lord, I trust You!  both are needed,
   Each Your wayward child to train,
Earthly loss, if we will know it,
   Often means our heavenly gain.         I. G. W.

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no foo, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. (Habakkuk 3:17-18)

     I ask you to observe what a disastrous situation is being described in this passage and to notice how courageous is the faith that is expressed.  It is as if the writer were actually saying, "Even if I am forced to undergo the extreme condition of not knowing where to find my next meal, and although my house is empty and my fields yield no crops and I see the evidence of divine pestilence where I once saw the fruits of God's plentiful provision, 'yet I will rejoice in the Lord.'"
     I believe that these words are worthy of being written forever in stone with a diamond tool.  Oh, by God's grace, may they be deeply etched on the tablets of each of our hearts!  Although the above verse is very concise, it nevertheless implies or expresses the following thoughts of the writer:  that in his time of distress he would flee to God; that he would maintain his spiritual composure under the darkest of circumstances; and that in the midst of everything, he would delight himself with a sacred joy in God and have cheerful expectations of Him.
     Heroic confidence!  Glorious faith!  Unconquerable love!  Philip Doddridge

Last night I heard a robin singing in the rain,
And the raindrop's patter made a sweet refrain,
Making all the sweeter the music of the strain.

So, I though, when trouble comes, as trouble will,
Why should I stop singing?  Just beyond the hill
It may be that sunshine floods the green world still.

He who faces the trouble with a heart of cheer
Makes the burden lighter.  If there falls a tear,
Sweeter is the cadence in the song we hear.

I have learned your lesson, bird with spotted wing,
Listening to your music with its tune of spring--
When the storm cloud darkens, it's the TIME to sing.  Eben Eugene Rexford


For me, it's hard to rejoice in the Lord in my times of struggle.  I see all that's happening in "my world" and I tend to become sad, down, depressed, etc.  I'm certainly not joyful.  I'm not sure how to be joyful in midst of the trials.  This is something else I need to work on and pray about. 

The Latest

It's been a while since I blogged.  The last several weeks have been a struggle and I just can't seem to sit down and get the words typed out to make any sense.  I might not make any sense now but I thought I would try and write a little update anyway.

We were able to go on vacation in July and meet my family in Panama City Beach, Florida.  The trip down was horrible due to major car trouble but after we finally arrived in PC Beach, we had a great week together.  As enjoyable as it was, it was still hard to be there without Chandler.  There were a few times that I was alone on the beach.  During those times, I would shed some tears and think about how much I missed Chandler and how badly I wanted him there with us.  Honestly, there are times that I feel guilty for doing things as enjoyable as hanging out on the beach when Chandler can't be there too. 

I've struggled a lot with faith these past few weeks as well and that struggle is not over.  I feel like my prayers aren't being heard.  I feel like God has stepped away from our family.  I haven't been as faithful in reading my devotions lately.  I'm sure it's wrong to feel like God doesn't care for us now.  In the Bible it says "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Hebrews 13:5   I understand that verse and it seems very simple but with everything that's going on right now, it has affected me.  My faith is not at it's strongest right now.  It's not just the grief that we're dealing with now.  There are other things going on.  I just want to yell sometimes, "can't we just get a break?!"  I don't know what's going on.  I don't know why things are happening the way they are.  I also know that my lack of faith isn't helping things. 

In addition to the things going on now, there is also something else that happened the other night that wasn't good for me.  Since Chandler has gone to heaven, I have wanted so badly to dream about Chandler.  I miss him so terribly and would love to see him in a dream.  To be able to see him alive, laughing, talking and just being himself would be so amazing.  Well, that hasn't happened.  I've had others who have dreamed about him and they tell me about it.  As a matter of fact, a friend of mine sent me a message on Saturday and told me about a dream that she had about Chandler.  It was great to hear the dream but I wondered why can't I have a dream like that?  Saturday night when I went to bed, I slept good the first part of the night.  At some point, I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep.  Finally, at some point, I did go to sleep for a short period of time before I had to get up for the day.  It was during that little bit of time that I had a short dream and it was about Chandler.  But, it wasn't a pleasant dream.  When I woke up, I could feel my heart beating.  Then I just laid there in bed thinking about it and getting more and more upset.  That dream bothered me all day.  It was also hard to get to sleep on Sunday night because of it.  It was so upsetting and frustrating as well.  I mean why can't I have a pleasant dream about my son?  I want to see his handsome, smiling face.  Is that too much to ask?! 

Yesterday, Chad and I went to the cemetery to talk about getting a memorial made for Chandler's grave.  Right now, there is a small one there but we need to get a larger one ordered as soon as we can.  We sat down there with the guy at the office and went through the process of designing one.  They have a way of doing it all on the computer so that you can see it as it's being done.  It's a difficult thing to do.  Sitting there looking at this memorial with my son's name on it, his birth date and death date and the other things that we had chosen to put on it is a very emotional thing to do.  I never would have imagined doing the things that we have had to do over the last 8 1/2 months.  Chandler should be here getting ready to begin his junior year of high school.  Instead, I'm designing a memorial for him. 

So, this pretty much sums up where I am right now.  I'm not in the best place spiritually.  I want to change that but it's hard.  Maybe with the help of my friends and family praying, that can change.  As far as praying for the other things going on in our life right now, I can't talk about any details now.  I would just ask you to pray for the unspoken requests that we have. 

Chandler's Art

Corben got a back pack out of Chandler's closet yesterday that has Chandler's name engraved on it.  He asked me yesterday if he could pack his stuff in it to go to the beach next week.  Well, today, Corben came to me and told me that he found some things of Chandlers so I went to Chandler's/Corben's room to see what he was talking about it.  In that back pack that he had gotten out yesterday, there were some binders and folders.  So, I sat in the floor and took them out and started looking.  It was some of Chandler's art work.  I've found some of Chandler's art already in his room but I knew that there had to be more.  I just didn't know where it was.  I was so happy to have my hands on his stuff.  There was art work that I haven't seen in a while but I remembered them.  There was also the original drawing of his "Jesus and Me" artwork that we all love so much.  There was another drawing that was a portrait of our family.  The original portrait that he drew from was taken before Corben and Carlie was born.  So, he sketched the drawing of that portrait that had me, Chad, Chandler and Caleb in it.  But, then, he added Corben and Carlie to the drawing.  The funny thing is that when he drew Carlie, he drew her crying.  She was young when he drew it and I guess he thought she cried a lot so she is crying in the drawing.  It brought tears to my ears seeing his art but it also brought a smile to our faces seeing how he drew some of the stuff.  I am so thankful that Chandler loved to draw.  If he didn't, I wouldn't have all of his art work to look at.  I'm planning to frame the portrait that Chandler drew of us.  I will cherish it forever - along with everything else of his!