November 2017

November.  It's the month I usually dread.  It's the month that brings a lot of emotions.  It's not because things are easy the rest of the year.  It's just that I'm slapped in the face with the dates that changed our lives forever.  I can go back there as if it happened today.  I can do that any other day of the year as well and that does happen.  But, when I see the dates Nov. 13 & 14th, it's hard not to let my mind be consumed with what happened.

In addition to these dates, Chandler's birthday is just 4 days before.  So, on Nov. 9, we celebrate his birthday but it's done without him.  We still try to make the day all about Chandler.  This was his 23rd birthday.  We looked at pictures, watched some videos and had waffles and chocolate milk for dinner, which is a snack that Chandler often had at night time.

For yesterday and today, I did things a little differently.  I usually share everything I'm going through during these days on social media.  I didn't do that this year.  Other than sharing some scripture, I stayed to myself.  I felt like it was what I needed to do.  Once again, I survived the days.  I have to say that approaching these dates weren't as dreadful as they have been.  I knew they were coming but it didn't consume me.  I've been spending a lot of time lately just reading scripture.  I know that it has helped.  I also know that God has done a lot of work in me over the years to get me to this place.  Does it mean I'm ok now?  No!  I'll never be okay with the loss of Chandler.  Does it mean the grief is gone?  No!  I'll grieve for him until the day I go to heaven.  It does mean that I've finally realized that God does care for us.  He loves our family.  He has comforted me over the years even when I didn't feel like He was there.  He didn't call Chandler home to heaven to punish us.  I don't know why Chandler's days were short.  I don't know why he only made it to 16 years old.  I won't know that while I'm here on earth.  I do know that God loves Chandler. He knew before Chandler was born that he would be with us until he was 16.  When November, 2010 came, it didn't take God by surprise.  He welcomed Chandler with open arms.  We are the ones that were shocked!  And, it's so hard now because we miss him so much and each year that goes by makes it that much longer since we've touched him, talked to him, heard him mixing his chocolate milk in the kitchen, etc.  But, we could also look at it differently and say it's a year closer to when we will see him again. 

Yesterday was an okay day.  I tried to stay busy in order to keep my mind from reliving everything.  Then, we had friends who invited us out to dinner last night.  These friends have been so loving and supportive of us since day one.  They've been with us through it all.  The fact that they were willing to spend some of our day with us just makes me love them even more.  Also, with them, we are able to talk about Chandler.  And, that's what I love to do. 

When I woke up this morning, I had my quiet time.  I read and cried.  Then, I tried to go through the day as I normally would.  Around 10:30 this morning, someone knocked on our door.  I wondered who it could be.  No one comes to my door unless it's the mail man or something.  So, I answered the door.  A man stood there with flowers.  I brought them in the house and as soon as I read who it was addressed to, I lost it.  It said "Mom and Dad Coleman".  There was only one person it could be.  I opened the card and yes, it was from Caleb.  He shared a Bible verse with us.  It comes from Psalm 29:11 and says: The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.  Of all of the scriptures I've read over the past week, I had not read that one.  It was perfect and the fact that Caleb shared it with us meant everything.  So, I shared the verse later on FB.  Oh, and the flowers are beautiful and so special.  It touches my heart that Caleb thinks of us.  I mean, this has affected all of us.  He was there the day the accident happened.  Yet, he still tries to comfort us on these days.  He amazes me in many ways.  I am one blessed and proud mama. 

As these particular days come to an end, I am thankful. 

I am thankful for:

*family and friends who continue to pray for us and be there for us
*16 wonderful years that we had Chandler with us and the many memories
*all of my kids
*God's love, comfort and peace in knowing that we will spend eternity in heaven

Happy Birthday Chandler

Today, we celebrated another birthday without Chandler.  He would be 22 today.  Wow!  The time has flown by.  It really doesn't seem like that many years ago.  I remember the day as if it just happened. 

This morning, I made one of the desserts that Chandler always liked.  It's very simple and I've talked about it before, here on the blog.  It's just brownies with powdered sugar on top.  But, anytime we make them, it brings back memories of Chandler.  We see those brownies and we see Chandler. 

On our birthdays, we try to have a birthday meal and let the one who has the birthday choose where they want to go.  Chandler would have wanted Mexican food.  So, we went to have Mexican food for lunch today.  We ordered chicken fajitas, which is what Chandler usually ordered.  We even asked if we could sit at the large corner booth even though it was just the 4 of us.  When all 6 of us were together, we always sit at the big corner booth at the Mexican restaurant we ate at when we were in Virginia.  So, sitting in a similar booth just brought back more memories.  I could imagine Chandler, Caleb, Corben and Carlie all sitting there today. 

We were also able to talk to Caleb today.  He called.  It's always good to hear his voice.  He was planning to go eat Mexican tonight for dinner. 

I wanted to do something different today.  We don't usually put our Christmas stuff up this early but I wanted to do something to make a new memory on Chandler's day  So, I thought, let's just put a Christmas tree up.  Here's our dilemma.  We are living in an apartment right now and there isn't any extra floor space anywhere.  So, I started searching for things to do.  We decided to have a space saver wall Christmas tree this year.  So, that's what we made.  We spent the afternoon making our tree and then decorating it with our ornaments.  I really think that Chandler would like this tree. 

This evening, we sat and watched some of the movies that Chandler made.  We always enjoy watching them and remembering the times when Chandler was working on them.  He had so much fun producing, editing and directing his movies.  Corben and Carlie were usually his actors and they have some great memories of those days with Chandler.  I laughed and cried watching those movies.  I always do. Chandler had a great sense of humor so he usually made sure that something was funny in his movies.  Sometimes you won't see him in the movies, but in the end he would have bloopers and you can hear his voice and laughter.  Now, that's what makes me cry every time.  I miss his voice.  I miss his laughter. 

I also had a friend visit Chandler's grave today.  She added a "birthday" touch to his flowers.  It means so much to me to have such an amazing friend take time to go visit Chandler's memorial site.  I can't be there right now so knowing that she is there really makes me feel better. 

Earlier this week, I was talking with someone about these upcoming days; Chandler's birthday and the anniversary of when he went to Heaven.  She didn't know much about him so we talked about him.  I shared a lot about him.  During that conversation, I realized I need to be more like Chandler in a lot of ways.  Chandler was happy.  He loved to laugh.  He took things that weren't always great and he made them fun anyway.  For example, he was given the job of digging a ditch in our back yard years ago, for drainage.  It wasn't an easy job.  It was hard work.  He set the video camera up and videoed himself digging that ditch.  Then, he edited it, added music to it and sped it up.  It is one of our favorite videos of him.  He is in the whole video.  So, we get to sit and watch him digging the ditch and having fun while doing it.  I remember another time that he was mopping the kitchen.  He picked the mop up and propped it on his shoulder, doing something goofy and having some fun.  I don't remember what he did but I do know that I took a picture of it.  I can see him in that kitchen right now.  Those are just a few examples of things he did.  He made the best out of everything.  So, while I was sharing these things with this person the other day, I remembered a quote of Chandler's. A friend of his shared this with me sometime after Chandler passed away.  It was something he told her one time.  I have it saved in my phone.  So, I read it to the person I was talking to.  Chandler addressed his friend and said, "Life is awesome.  Even when it's not awesome, it's awesome."  That quote hit me the other day in a way that it never has.  It defines who Chandler was.  If something wasn't going so well, he still saw good in things.  He chose to be happy and content in all things.  He chose laughter.  He didn't let bad days or negative things get the best of him.  I can't say that I do that.  I can drop something in the kitchen and then be in an irritable mood for a while.  What is that doing for me?  It's not doing anything good, that's for sure.  So, as I sat there talking and really thinking about Chandler and how he was and the wisdom in his quote, I just wept.  I realized that I want to be more like Chandler.  I want to choose happiness.  I want to see good in things.  I believe he would want that from us.  Chandler taught me something this week and I'm thankful for it. It was as if he was in that room the other day saying "Mom, wake up!  Life is still awesome, even when you think it's not."  I won't be perfect at trying to do this.  But, I'm going to try and see more positive in things. 

Happy Birthday, Chandler!  I love you and miss you so much!  Infinity!

                                                                                                                                                                                   

5 Years

On today's date 5 years ago, Chandler went to Heaven.  I have a hard time comprehending that it has been 5 years.  Sometimes, it does feel like that many years.  Then, at other times, it feels like it just happened.  The past 5 years have been difficult and very emotional.  I've gotten through it one day at a time.  Some days are okay and some days are hard.  As usual, I have seen God work in our lives this week.  He always shows up at the right time.  Yesterday (the anniversary of the day of the accident), we started our day by taking the kids to school.  Afterward, Chad and I had breakfast together.  He had plans after that, so he left and I was home alone.  I kept myself busy.  We were expecting friends over last night so that meant I had work to do.  That was good because as I kept myself busy, I could keep myself distracted.  I was doing well.  I had music going and was baking some cookies.  I felt good.  Then, all of a sudden, I lost it.  I stood right in the kitchen and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I laid my head down on the kitchen counter and wept, loudly.  It lasted a while.  I cried as I talked to God.  Over and over, I just said "I hate this!".  5 years later, I do still hate this.  I don't like the journey we're on but there is nothing I can do about it.  I realize that Chandler is in the best of hands.  He is so much better off than we are, especially these days.  But, as a  mama, it's hard to get your mind and heart to understand that.  After my time of crying, I was okay.  I got through the rest of day.


At some point in the afternoon, someone rang our door bell.  Chad answered and it was a flower delivery.  We opened the card.  The school that Corben and Carlie go to sent us flowers and a dragonfly night light.  Needless to say, this brought tears to my eyes.  These people don't know us that well.  They don't know Chandler because we moved here after the fact.  But, they decided to pray for us and love on us anyway. 

Our friends came over last night.  We enjoyed a meal together and just hanging out together and talking.  One of the couples brought us a canvas picture.  It says "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.  Hebrews 6:19".  This is so true.  The hope that we have is what gets us through the days.  Without it, I definitely couldn't do this.  I love the gift and I'm so thankful for this couples friendship.  They are a blessing and we love their family. 

The other couple that came over are also very dear.  I was also given a gift by this friend this week.  I don't believe it was specifically bought for me this week but it worked out that this week is when I was able to get it.  It was perfect timing.  God's timing.  It's a beautiful blanket.  It's the softest blanket I've ever felt and I love it.  She wrote me a very sweet note with it and explained why she bought the blanket.  It was bought with love.  It's a soft, comforting blanket and I love it.  Now, if I can just keep my family from trying to take it over. 

God has gotten us through this week.  He has been my comforter.  He has also used many friends and family to help us get through this week.  The prayers, thoughts and words of encouragement mean so much to us.  It amazes me that I still have so much support.  I am truly blessed with so many wonderful people in my life. 

So, what have I learned over the past 5 years?  I've learned quite a few things:

*Grief sucks!  I'm sorry if some don't like to hear me say that, but it's true.  Grief is painful.  It's emotional.  It's tiring.  It is not fun.

*Grief can hit you when you least expect it.  You can be doing good for a while.  Then, all of a sudden, you can just lose it when you're driving down the road, baking cookies, taking a shower, watching TV, etc.  It can come out of nowhere.

*When that grief hits, you have to just let it run it's course.  You have to cry, talk to God, fuss, vent, do whatever is necessary to get through those moments.

*I've learned that you need your friends and family.  Just knowing that they have your back and are praying for you and supporting you is a huge help to get through the days.

*After losing a child, you are a changed person.  It changes you in a lot of ways.  When you lose a child, a part of you dies with them.

*You will cherish everything you have that belongs to your child.  Do I worship Chandler's stuff?  NO!  But, I am thankful to have his drawings, movies, pictures, etc to look at.  I'm even thankful for the clothes of his that we have kept.  We kept some of his clothes that were his favorites and that he wore most of the time.  We kept the clothes that we can look at and they totally remind us of  Chandler.  Plus, Corben gets to use them as he grows into them.

*As I watch Chandler's friends grow up and see pictures of them, a part of me expects to see him in those pictures with them.  I wonder what would he be doing at 21?  Where would he have gone to school?  Would he have a girlfriend?  Where would he work?  There are so many things I wonder about and I always will.

*I want to protect my kids.  I don't want them to hurt in any way, whether it be physically or emotionally.  Because of what they've experienced, I just don't want them to go through anything else.  I know I can't prevent all of those things but it's how I feel. 

*My faith is the only reason I have made it to this 5 year mark.  The faith and hope I have is what gets my through each day.  God never ceases to amaze me.  He has been my comforter.  He always shows up right on time. 

So, that's a few things I have learned through this process.  I'm sure there are many more but maybe I will write about those at a different time. 

Chandler's 21st Birthday

Today is Chandler's 21st birthday.  I believe we celebrated it well.  This is always a hard day.  As a parent, you want to be so happy on your child's birthday.  It's their day.  But, when that child is no longer here to celebrate with you, it's hard.  But, we do our best.  Someone said to me today that they thought it was great that we worked so hard at still celebrating Chandler's birthday.  It would be hard for me to do nothing on this day.  This is his day.  He may not be with us but he is still and always will be a part of this family.  I couldn't go through this day and not do something for his birthday.  I have been blown away by all of the sweet comments, thoughts and prayers from so many people today.  It means so much to me and I appreciate it all more than I could ever express.  All of the support does help me to get through these days.

 I actually met a new friend for lunch today.  I usually don't plan things on days like this but there was no other day this week to get together.  When we sat down at lunch, my friend asked me about Chandler.  She hadn't heard about him yet and she was interested.  So, I sat there for about an hour talking about Chandler.  She didn't even know that today was his birthday.  To be able to sit there and just talk about Chandler was the best thing for me today.  I am truly thankful for my friend wanting to know about Chandler and my family. 

Just a few minutes after I got home from lunch today, my door bell rang.  I went to the door and saw a friend of mine with her little boy.  She was holding a cake and her son had a balloon.  She said, "this cake is from your sister".  I thought "what?  You don't even know my sister.  My sister doesn't know you".  So, she comes in to tell me that my sister contacted her and asked if she could pick a cake up and deliver it to me today.  Her little boy picked out a Mickey Mouse Happy Birthday balloon to go with Chandler's birthday cake.  I talked to my sister afterward and she informed me that she randomly picked out on of my local friends on Facebook. contacted her and asked her to make the cake delivery.  I have to say that my sister did good.  And, I 'm so thankful to my friend, Nathaly, for being willing to get the cake to me. 

Soon after Nathaly left today, I sat down to have a few minutes of chill time before I had to pick the kids up from school.  I was beginning to get emotional.  My eyes were filling with tears and my phone rang.  It was God's perfect timing again.  It was Caleb.  He called to say he was thinking about me.  We talked for a while.  It was so good to hear his voice and his call was right on time. 

I picked the kids up from school today.  They got in the car and one of them says, "so, did you cry all day?"  Ha!  They know me well. 

We had a delicious dinner tonight.  I made one of Chandler's favorites.  I cooked a roast in the crock pot with carrots.  Chandler's favorite part was the carrots.  He wanted lots of them.  I also made one of his favorite desserts.  He liked brownies with powdered sugar sprinkled on top.  In addition to this, we also had his birthday cake.  

I'm always amazed at how I get through these days.  As I go through them, I see how God works.  He knows when I'm hurting and He always finds a way to give me comfort.  I'm so thankful! 


Happy 21st birthday, Chandler!  I love you - infinity!

My Dream

I haven't written in a long time.  But, something happened last night that I want to record here and keep.  This morning has been an emotional one.  Once I got Corben and Carlie ready and out the door for school, I just sat down and lost it.  It's been a bittersweet cry.  Since Chandler went to heaven, I've wanted so badly to dream about him.  I just want to see his face and if I can get that in a dream, I'll take it.  Over the course of 4 1/2 years, that hasn't happened often.  I've only had about 3 and they haven't been pleasant.  They are usually disturbing and end up upsetting me and they don't usually bring me any comfort.  Sometime during the night last night, I was dreaming.  I don't know where we were and it doesn't matter.  I remember we were sitting at a table.  I had my head turned to the right talking to someone.  When I turned to my left, Chandler was sitting right next to me.  It was so clear.  He looked so good and so handsome.  I remember being so excited in the dream that I was hyperventilating.  I touched him.  I hugged him.  I kissed him.  He was so real in that moment and it was wonderful!  It was so sweet to have him right there next to me.  As I sit here writing this now, I can't help but weep.  I'm so happy to have seen him so clearly in that dream.  But, I miss him so much, it hurts!  I am so thankful for that dream. 

Chandler, I love you so much.  I always will.  You are always in my thoughts.  We talk about you often and always will.  You are, and always will be, part of this family.  We have so many sweet memories of you and I'm so thankful that you loved to make movies.  Having your movies here with us is a treasure. 

4 Years

It's hard to believe that 4 years ago today, Chandler went to heaven.  Sometimes, I still ask myself, "did this really happen?"  "Are we really living this nightmare?"  Unfortunately, we are.  These anniversary dates are even harder than the other days of the year.  It just brings all of the memories of those days back.  They aren't pleasant.  I can picture it in my head as if it is happening now.  As hard as the days are, we always seem to make it through them.  It's only because of God's help and the way He uses His people. 

I am still amazed by the wonderful people in our lives who continue to pray us through these days.  I've received so many wonderful messages on FB, personal text messages, calls, cards, gifts and flowers.  I am so appreciative of all the love that is bestowed upon us all.  It means more to me than anyone could ever know. 

This year was a little different.  It was our first year to go through these days without Caleb with us.  So, that was always on my mind and made it a little more emotional.  I know these days have to be hard on him as well because he was with Chandler when the accident occurred.  He called yesterday and I talked to him for a while and of course it was so good to talk to him and hear his voice.

I received a call today from a florist in town.  They wanted to know if I would be home for a delivery.  When they arrived, Chad met the delivery man outside.  Chad brought me a beautiful arrangement and told me to take it while he went to get the other one.  I said, "the other one?"  To receive 1 was a total surprise.  Why would I receive 2?  I waited to read the card until Chad brought the other flowers in.  Once he got in, we sat the other flowers down and I pulled the first card out.  I saw the name and lost it.  I immediately wept before I even read the note.  It was from Caleb.  Chad started to cry when I told him who sent it.  The card read, "Thinking of you.  Love you mom.  Caleb".  Those flowers meant more to me than anything.  To have my son think of me and send such a beautiful thing touched me in a way I can't even explain.  It's what I needed today!  He also picked out a beautiful arrangement.  It has all white flowers in it with a beautiful glass cross in the center.  I pulled the card out of the other arrangement and read it.  It was from 2 very special families that we love dearly; the McKinney's and the Leets.  It's another beautiful arrangement with fall colors.  Needless to say, after receiving those 2 special arrangements, I was an emotional wreck for a while.  I was trying to get ready for the day at the time and I will tell you it's hard to get ready and keep eye make up on your face when you can't stop the tears.  I was in my room crying and thinking about the flowers Caleb sent.  I just couldn't help but thank the Lord for my kids.  I am so blessed.  I just could not stop thanking God for my 4 blessings.  I love them all with everything in me.  I also called Caleb tonight and was able to talk to him a little bit.  It always does my heart good to hear his voice. 

So, as this day comes to an end, I thank the Lord for being with us.  I thank him for the wonderful friends that he has blessed me with.  We have friends all over the world and they all have a special place in my heart.  I thank him for my family.  They have loved on us, prayed for us, supported us and been with us every step of the way.  They continue to be there for us.  I am thankful for my husband who opens his arms to hug me and hold me when I get so emotional from receiving flowers from my son.  I am thankful for my kids who are pretty close to perfect in my eyes.  I am thankful for Chandler.  I am thankful for the blessing of being his mom.  I am thankful for the 16 years we had.  It was a short time but it was a perfect time.  We have wonderful memories to look back on.  We had lots of extra time with him because we home schooled him.  That's another thing I am thankful for.  I am thankful that God lead us to home school.  Because of that, I had so much more time with Chandler than I would have if  he had gone to school.  I am thankful for the gap in the age of my kids.  Chandler and Caleb were 10 and 9 when Corben was born.  They were 11 & 10 when Carlie was born.  If God hadn't blessed us with Corben and Carlie later on, we would have an empty nest right now and I don't know if I could handle that.  God knew what he was doing.  He always does, but sometimes we don't see the big picture.  I like it when I can see what he has done.  Some things I won't understand until I make it to heaven though.  The loss of Chandler is one of those things.  But, in the midst of our pain and heart break, I can still choose to be thankful. 

God Speaks

Most of my family and friends know that November is a hard month for me.  It's very emotional for a lot of reasons.  We celebrate Chandler's birthday but we also have the anniversary of  Chandler going home to heaven all within 5 days of each other.  I can already feel those days approaching.  So, when God speaks to me and it is so clear, it is very exciting and encouraging. 

I can remember very vividly what I was wearing the day of Chandler's accident, from my clothing to my shoes to my jewelry.  It wasn't anything special or amazing.  I think it's just the fact that I wore those clothes for 2 days while we were at the hospital.  Well, I was getting clothes together for church tonight.  I have to do it on Saturday night or I will never be ready on Sunday morning to leave on time.  I pulled out a shirt to wear and it happened to be the one that I wore during those days at the hospital.  Yes, it's almost 4 years later and I still have some of the same clothes.  If clothes still fit and look good, I keep them.  Anyway, I went to iron my shirt.  As I was ironing, I noticed something that I had never noticed before.  In the tag area was a picture of a dragonfly.  I just stopped ironing and stared at it for a minute.  I was amazed at what I was seeing.  Not too long after Chandler passed away, I ran across a story of the dragonfly.  I loved it and at that time I chose it as our symbol to remember Chandler.  So, it is very special to me every time I see one.  So, when I saw the dragonfly in my shirt, I just felt like God was speaking.  He was reminding me that he has been with us this whole time.  He was with us in the hospital and he is with us now.  It also seems that God chose the dragonfly for me as our symbol.  It was in my shirt that day and then He led me to the dragonfly story months after Chandler passed.  But, He took almost 4 years to let me see the big picture.  Of all of the shirts I could have worn that day, it just amazes me that I wore one that had a dragonfly in it, a symbol that would mean so much to me soon after. 

So, I am encouraged by God's message to me tonight.  Will I have bad days ahead?  Yes.  Will I cry a lot more than usual?  Yes.  Will I question things?  Yes.  But, I can also trust that God is going to get me through these more difficult days just like he does every other day.  It's only because of Him that I have made it this far. 


Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.  Psalm 23:4