5 Years

On today's date 5 years ago, Chandler went to Heaven.  I have a hard time comprehending that it has been 5 years.  Sometimes, it does feel like that many years.  Then, at other times, it feels like it just happened.  The past 5 years have been difficult and very emotional.  I've gotten through it one day at a time.  Some days are okay and some days are hard.  As usual, I have seen God work in our lives this week.  He always shows up at the right time.  Yesterday (the anniversary of the day of the accident), we started our day by taking the kids to school.  Afterward, Chad and I had breakfast together.  He had plans after that, so he left and I was home alone.  I kept myself busy.  We were expecting friends over last night so that meant I had work to do.  That was good because as I kept myself busy, I could keep myself distracted.  I was doing well.  I had music going and was baking some cookies.  I felt good.  Then, all of a sudden, I lost it.  I stood right in the kitchen and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I laid my head down on the kitchen counter and wept, loudly.  It lasted a while.  I cried as I talked to God.  Over and over, I just said "I hate this!".  5 years later, I do still hate this.  I don't like the journey we're on but there is nothing I can do about it.  I realize that Chandler is in the best of hands.  He is so much better off than we are, especially these days.  But, as a  mama, it's hard to get your mind and heart to understand that.  After my time of crying, I was okay.  I got through the rest of day.


At some point in the afternoon, someone rang our door bell.  Chad answered and it was a flower delivery.  We opened the card.  The school that Corben and Carlie go to sent us flowers and a dragonfly night light.  Needless to say, this brought tears to my eyes.  These people don't know us that well.  They don't know Chandler because we moved here after the fact.  But, they decided to pray for us and love on us anyway. 

Our friends came over last night.  We enjoyed a meal together and just hanging out together and talking.  One of the couples brought us a canvas picture.  It says "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.  Hebrews 6:19".  This is so true.  The hope that we have is what gets us through the days.  Without it, I definitely couldn't do this.  I love the gift and I'm so thankful for this couples friendship.  They are a blessing and we love their family. 

The other couple that came over are also very dear.  I was also given a gift by this friend this week.  I don't believe it was specifically bought for me this week but it worked out that this week is when I was able to get it.  It was perfect timing.  God's timing.  It's a beautiful blanket.  It's the softest blanket I've ever felt and I love it.  She wrote me a very sweet note with it and explained why she bought the blanket.  It was bought with love.  It's a soft, comforting blanket and I love it.  Now, if I can just keep my family from trying to take it over. 

God has gotten us through this week.  He has been my comforter.  He has also used many friends and family to help us get through this week.  The prayers, thoughts and words of encouragement mean so much to us.  It amazes me that I still have so much support.  I am truly blessed with so many wonderful people in my life. 

So, what have I learned over the past 5 years?  I've learned quite a few things:

*Grief sucks!  I'm sorry if some don't like to hear me say that, but it's true.  Grief is painful.  It's emotional.  It's tiring.  It is not fun.

*Grief can hit you when you least expect it.  You can be doing good for a while.  Then, all of a sudden, you can just lose it when you're driving down the road, baking cookies, taking a shower, watching TV, etc.  It can come out of nowhere.

*When that grief hits, you have to just let it run it's course.  You have to cry, talk to God, fuss, vent, do whatever is necessary to get through those moments.

*I've learned that you need your friends and family.  Just knowing that they have your back and are praying for you and supporting you is a huge help to get through the days.

*After losing a child, you are a changed person.  It changes you in a lot of ways.  When you lose a child, a part of you dies with them.

*You will cherish everything you have that belongs to your child.  Do I worship Chandler's stuff?  NO!  But, I am thankful to have his drawings, movies, pictures, etc to look at.  I'm even thankful for the clothes of his that we have kept.  We kept some of his clothes that were his favorites and that he wore most of the time.  We kept the clothes that we can look at and they totally remind us of  Chandler.  Plus, Corben gets to use them as he grows into them.

*As I watch Chandler's friends grow up and see pictures of them, a part of me expects to see him in those pictures with them.  I wonder what would he be doing at 21?  Where would he have gone to school?  Would he have a girlfriend?  Where would he work?  There are so many things I wonder about and I always will.

*I want to protect my kids.  I don't want them to hurt in any way, whether it be physically or emotionally.  Because of what they've experienced, I just don't want them to go through anything else.  I know I can't prevent all of those things but it's how I feel. 

*My faith is the only reason I have made it to this 5 year mark.  The faith and hope I have is what gets my through each day.  God never ceases to amaze me.  He has been my comforter.  He always shows up right on time. 

So, that's a few things I have learned through this process.  I'm sure there are many more but maybe I will write about those at a different time. 

Chandler's 21st Birthday

Today is Chandler's 21st birthday.  I believe we celebrated it well.  This is always a hard day.  As a parent, you want to be so happy on your child's birthday.  It's their day.  But, when that child is no longer here to celebrate with you, it's hard.  But, we do our best.  Someone said to me today that they thought it was great that we worked so hard at still celebrating Chandler's birthday.  It would be hard for me to do nothing on this day.  This is his day.  He may not be with us but he is still and always will be a part of this family.  I couldn't go through this day and not do something for his birthday.  I have been blown away by all of the sweet comments, thoughts and prayers from so many people today.  It means so much to me and I appreciate it all more than I could ever express.  All of the support does help me to get through these days.

 I actually met a new friend for lunch today.  I usually don't plan things on days like this but there was no other day this week to get together.  When we sat down at lunch, my friend asked me about Chandler.  She hadn't heard about him yet and she was interested.  So, I sat there for about an hour talking about Chandler.  She didn't even know that today was his birthday.  To be able to sit there and just talk about Chandler was the best thing for me today.  I am truly thankful for my friend wanting to know about Chandler and my family. 

Just a few minutes after I got home from lunch today, my door bell rang.  I went to the door and saw a friend of mine with her little boy.  She was holding a cake and her son had a balloon.  She said, "this cake is from your sister".  I thought "what?  You don't even know my sister.  My sister doesn't know you".  So, she comes in to tell me that my sister contacted her and asked if she could pick a cake up and deliver it to me today.  Her little boy picked out a Mickey Mouse Happy Birthday balloon to go with Chandler's birthday cake.  I talked to my sister afterward and she informed me that she randomly picked out on of my local friends on Facebook. contacted her and asked her to make the cake delivery.  I have to say that my sister did good.  And, I 'm so thankful to my friend, Nathaly, for being willing to get the cake to me. 

Soon after Nathaly left today, I sat down to have a few minutes of chill time before I had to pick the kids up from school.  I was beginning to get emotional.  My eyes were filling with tears and my phone rang.  It was God's perfect timing again.  It was Caleb.  He called to say he was thinking about me.  We talked for a while.  It was so good to hear his voice and his call was right on time. 

I picked the kids up from school today.  They got in the car and one of them says, "so, did you cry all day?"  Ha!  They know me well. 

We had a delicious dinner tonight.  I made one of Chandler's favorites.  I cooked a roast in the crock pot with carrots.  Chandler's favorite part was the carrots.  He wanted lots of them.  I also made one of his favorite desserts.  He liked brownies with powdered sugar sprinkled on top.  In addition to this, we also had his birthday cake.  

I'm always amazed at how I get through these days.  As I go through them, I see how God works.  He knows when I'm hurting and He always finds a way to give me comfort.  I'm so thankful! 


Happy 21st birthday, Chandler!  I love you - infinity!

My Dream

I haven't written in a long time.  But, something happened last night that I want to record here and keep.  This morning has been an emotional one.  Once I got Corben and Carlie ready and out the door for school, I just sat down and lost it.  It's been a bittersweet cry.  Since Chandler went to heaven, I've wanted so badly to dream about him.  I just want to see his face and if I can get that in a dream, I'll take it.  Over the course of 4 1/2 years, that hasn't happened often.  I've only had about 3 and they haven't been pleasant.  They are usually disturbing and end up upsetting me and they don't usually bring me any comfort.  Sometime during the night last night, I was dreaming.  I don't know where we were and it doesn't matter.  I remember we were sitting at a table.  I had my head turned to the right talking to someone.  When I turned to my left, Chandler was sitting right next to me.  It was so clear.  He looked so good and so handsome.  I remember being so excited in the dream that I was hyperventilating.  I touched him.  I hugged him.  I kissed him.  He was so real in that moment and it was wonderful!  It was so sweet to have him right there next to me.  As I sit here writing this now, I can't help but weep.  I'm so happy to have seen him so clearly in that dream.  But, I miss him so much, it hurts!  I am so thankful for that dream. 

Chandler, I love you so much.  I always will.  You are always in my thoughts.  We talk about you often and always will.  You are, and always will be, part of this family.  We have so many sweet memories of you and I'm so thankful that you loved to make movies.  Having your movies here with us is a treasure. 

4 Years

It's hard to believe that 4 years ago today, Chandler went to heaven.  Sometimes, I still ask myself, "did this really happen?"  "Are we really living this nightmare?"  Unfortunately, we are.  These anniversary dates are even harder than the other days of the year.  It just brings all of the memories of those days back.  They aren't pleasant.  I can picture it in my head as if it is happening now.  As hard as the days are, we always seem to make it through them.  It's only because of God's help and the way He uses His people. 

I am still amazed by the wonderful people in our lives who continue to pray us through these days.  I've received so many wonderful messages on FB, personal text messages, calls, cards, gifts and flowers.  I am so appreciative of all the love that is bestowed upon us all.  It means more to me than anyone could ever know. 

This year was a little different.  It was our first year to go through these days without Caleb with us.  So, that was always on my mind and made it a little more emotional.  I know these days have to be hard on him as well because he was with Chandler when the accident occurred.  He called yesterday and I talked to him for a while and of course it was so good to talk to him and hear his voice.

I received a call today from a florist in town.  They wanted to know if I would be home for a delivery.  When they arrived, Chad met the delivery man outside.  Chad brought me a beautiful arrangement and told me to take it while he went to get the other one.  I said, "the other one?"  To receive 1 was a total surprise.  Why would I receive 2?  I waited to read the card until Chad brought the other flowers in.  Once he got in, we sat the other flowers down and I pulled the first card out.  I saw the name and lost it.  I immediately wept before I even read the note.  It was from Caleb.  Chad started to cry when I told him who sent it.  The card read, "Thinking of you.  Love you mom.  Caleb".  Those flowers meant more to me than anything.  To have my son think of me and send such a beautiful thing touched me in a way I can't even explain.  It's what I needed today!  He also picked out a beautiful arrangement.  It has all white flowers in it with a beautiful glass cross in the center.  I pulled the card out of the other arrangement and read it.  It was from 2 very special families that we love dearly; the McKinney's and the Leets.  It's another beautiful arrangement with fall colors.  Needless to say, after receiving those 2 special arrangements, I was an emotional wreck for a while.  I was trying to get ready for the day at the time and I will tell you it's hard to get ready and keep eye make up on your face when you can't stop the tears.  I was in my room crying and thinking about the flowers Caleb sent.  I just couldn't help but thank the Lord for my kids.  I am so blessed.  I just could not stop thanking God for my 4 blessings.  I love them all with everything in me.  I also called Caleb tonight and was able to talk to him a little bit.  It always does my heart good to hear his voice. 

So, as this day comes to an end, I thank the Lord for being with us.  I thank him for the wonderful friends that he has blessed me with.  We have friends all over the world and they all have a special place in my heart.  I thank him for my family.  They have loved on us, prayed for us, supported us and been with us every step of the way.  They continue to be there for us.  I am thankful for my husband who opens his arms to hug me and hold me when I get so emotional from receiving flowers from my son.  I am thankful for my kids who are pretty close to perfect in my eyes.  I am thankful for Chandler.  I am thankful for the blessing of being his mom.  I am thankful for the 16 years we had.  It was a short time but it was a perfect time.  We have wonderful memories to look back on.  We had lots of extra time with him because we home schooled him.  That's another thing I am thankful for.  I am thankful that God lead us to home school.  Because of that, I had so much more time with Chandler than I would have if  he had gone to school.  I am thankful for the gap in the age of my kids.  Chandler and Caleb were 10 and 9 when Corben was born.  They were 11 & 10 when Carlie was born.  If God hadn't blessed us with Corben and Carlie later on, we would have an empty nest right now and I don't know if I could handle that.  God knew what he was doing.  He always does, but sometimes we don't see the big picture.  I like it when I can see what he has done.  Some things I won't understand until I make it to heaven though.  The loss of Chandler is one of those things.  But, in the midst of our pain and heart break, I can still choose to be thankful. 

God Speaks

Most of my family and friends know that November is a hard month for me.  It's very emotional for a lot of reasons.  We celebrate Chandler's birthday but we also have the anniversary of  Chandler going home to heaven all within 5 days of each other.  I can already feel those days approaching.  So, when God speaks to me and it is so clear, it is very exciting and encouraging. 

I can remember very vividly what I was wearing the day of Chandler's accident, from my clothing to my shoes to my jewelry.  It wasn't anything special or amazing.  I think it's just the fact that I wore those clothes for 2 days while we were at the hospital.  Well, I was getting clothes together for church tonight.  I have to do it on Saturday night or I will never be ready on Sunday morning to leave on time.  I pulled out a shirt to wear and it happened to be the one that I wore during those days at the hospital.  Yes, it's almost 4 years later and I still have some of the same clothes.  If clothes still fit and look good, I keep them.  Anyway, I went to iron my shirt.  As I was ironing, I noticed something that I had never noticed before.  In the tag area was a picture of a dragonfly.  I just stopped ironing and stared at it for a minute.  I was amazed at what I was seeing.  Not too long after Chandler passed away, I ran across a story of the dragonfly.  I loved it and at that time I chose it as our symbol to remember Chandler.  So, it is very special to me every time I see one.  So, when I saw the dragonfly in my shirt, I just felt like God was speaking.  He was reminding me that he has been with us this whole time.  He was with us in the hospital and he is with us now.  It also seems that God chose the dragonfly for me as our symbol.  It was in my shirt that day and then He led me to the dragonfly story months after Chandler passed.  But, He took almost 4 years to let me see the big picture.  Of all of the shirts I could have worn that day, it just amazes me that I wore one that had a dragonfly in it, a symbol that would mean so much to me soon after. 

So, I am encouraged by God's message to me tonight.  Will I have bad days ahead?  Yes.  Will I cry a lot more than usual?  Yes.  Will I question things?  Yes.  But, I can also trust that God is going to get me through these more difficult days just like he does every other day.  It's only because of Him that I have made it this far. 


Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.  Psalm 23:4

Letters are Here!!

Today ended up being a great day.  Caleb just started his 4th week in Marine Corp boot camp.  Although, he is 4 weeks in, we had not received our 1st letter from him.  Because of our move, mail had to be forwarded until he received our new address in our first letter.  Well, it was taking forever.  I was disappointed every day when I went to the mailbox.  I was driving home this afternoon and as I approached the house, I just prayed that we would get a letter today.  I parked the car and then walked over to the mailbox.  When I opened it, I noticed forwarding stickers on some mail.  I pulled everything out and there was a letter and then another letter and another.  3 letters!!  I just teared up when I saw them.  I was so happy and so excited to hear from Caleb.  I went into the house and sat at the table to begin reading them.  The first letter was pretty basic.  It was a typed out letter from the USMC that the recruits are given just to fill in some information.  This letter had his mailing address on it for all of our future mail.  He added a little bit of his own writing to that letter.  He requested that I mail him some deodorant and protein bars.  He said the deodorant they have there is liquid stuff.  He said the first week was exhausting.  In his second and third letters, he shared a little more.  He said that some days are better than others.  He has realized that if you just pay attention and do what you're told then you're fine.  Caleb never was a breakfast eater but he said that he has gotten used to eating breakfast.  He thinks he has gained weight from eating so much.  He hasn't really been singled out for doing anything wrong which is a good thing.  He said the biggest thing is just to listen and do everything as loud and as fast as possible.  He lost his voice for a few days but he said that means he is doing something right.  The food is actually decent.  Hot cafeteria food and salad/pasta bar and Gatorade.  They get hot showers but all 41 recruits have to be in, out and dried off in just a few minutes.  Drill is his favorite thing, although marching in camos in the heat with a drill belt, two canteens, assault pack and rifle gets very heavy and exhausting.  He said his back is killing him.  He has met one other believer in his platoon.  The 2 of them have been given the title, "lay readers". Basically, they are prayer leaders because they only get 5 minutes per night.  He is getting close to a few guys.  He said he didn't think it would be easy, but it's actually easy to stand out.  He said he strives to be different.  He talks to recruits as much as he can and prays with them.  He has shared the gospel to 2 people and people are constantly asking him questions and are curious.  He got a bunch of Bibles for the platoon and they're all thankful and curious.  He said that gets him "fired up".  He said it's a little odd because he has never really been like that but he feels like that's a big reason why he is there.  He said that getting letters is great.  It's sad when others get mail and you don't.  He also said that the nights are lonely. 

So, Caleb seems to be doing well.  He continues to amaze me with the faith he has.  He has been through a lot but he has stayed true to his faith and that makes me a very proud mama.

Thank you to all of the friends and family who are praying for Caleb during this time.  It is obvious that prayers are going up and that Caleb is being taken care of.  Please continue to pray. 

In addition to receiving Caleb's letters, a new friend brought us dinner and dessert tonight.  The dessert was special.  She said that she started reading my blog last night.  So, in honor of Chandler, she made "flower bunnies".  If you don't know what they are, it is brownies with powdered sugar sprinkled on top.  We don't know why Chandler called them that, but he did.  It was his sense of humor.  So, I am thankful for a new friend who is willing to do something so special for our family. 

It's been a great afternoon/evening.  I am so thankful!  Now, I must go and write Caleb a letter. 

Caleb heads to boot camp

This blog will be different than normal because it's not about Chandler.  It does affect our family and I want to remember the day so I am writing about it.

The goal of a parent is to raise their child.  We want to raise them in the way they should go.  We want to teach them how to grow into an adult, become independent and go out on their own.  I've realized today that even though your child reaches that goal, it's heart wrenching to let them go.  Tonight, we said goodbye to Caleb.  He will be heading to Parris Island, SC to Marine Corp boot camp tomorrow afternoon.  This has been something that Caleb has wanted to do since he was about 12 or 13 years old.  I think back to Caleb's birth and honestly, it doesn't seem like it was 18 years ago.  The time has flown by.  He has grown into an amazing young man.  He has experienced a lot in his 18 years.  Most of the hard times have been in the past few years.  Losing his older brother/best friend, Chandler, has been the hardest.  But, he remained faithful through it all.  He has continued to stand firm in the midst of the trial.  He is more mature and wise than most his age.  He amazes me!  He is loving and compassionate.  He is a leader.  He is funny and he is fun to be around.  He is a great brother.  He is a loyal friend.  He can hang out with people of all ages.  He can sit and play with a baby and he can also sit down and talk with someone much older and he will enjoy it.  He is also a great boy friend.  I've seen him with his girlfriend and he knows how to make her feel like a queen.  He is an incredible son.  I look at him and I just beam with pride.  I am blessed to be his mama! 

Tonight, after he was checked into the hotel by the Marine Corp, we were able to go visit with him for a while.  So, we picked his girl friend, Sarah, up and arrived there about 5:00.  We took him to dinner and then went back to the hotel.  We went to the pool area and let Corben and Carlie play.  We just sat around the pool.  For the most part, we let Caleb and Sarah sit away from us and spend time together.  As long as I was in the same room with him, I didn't mind.  Sarah makes him the happiest and I wanted him to be as happy as he could be for his last few hours that he had with us.  At about 8:20, we had to say our good byes.  I tried to be so strong for Caleb.  I cried but I didn't lose it.  I didn't want to make it any harder on Caleb than it already was.

After we got home, I found Carlie with a flushed face and red eyes.  She had been crying.  Then, I found Corben on his bed crying.  So, we all cried together.  After our time together, I went to take a shower and have my own time so I just cried in the shower for a while.  It's going to be so different around here.  Chandler is in heaven and now Caleb is grown and he is spreading his wings.  Our family has changed a lot in just a few years time. 

But, we will get through this.  We will miss Caleb terribly.  But, it's going to be all worth it when we get to graduation and see him dressed and marching with his platoon.  He will be beaming with pride at what he has accomplished.  I can not wait!!