4 Years

It's hard to believe that 4 years ago today, Chandler went to heaven.  Sometimes, I still ask myself, "did this really happen?"  "Are we really living this nightmare?"  Unfortunately, we are.  These anniversary dates are even harder than the other days of the year.  It just brings all of the memories of those days back.  They aren't pleasant.  I can picture it in my head as if it is happening now.  As hard as the days are, we always seem to make it through them.  It's only because of God's help and the way He uses His people. 

I am still amazed by the wonderful people in our lives who continue to pray us through these days.  I've received so many wonderful messages on FB, personal text messages, calls, cards, gifts and flowers.  I am so appreciative of all the love that is bestowed upon us all.  It means more to me than anyone could ever know. 

This year was a little different.  It was our first year to go through these days without Caleb with us.  So, that was always on my mind and made it a little more emotional.  I know these days have to be hard on him as well because he was with Chandler when the accident occurred.  He called yesterday and I talked to him for a while and of course it was so good to talk to him and hear his voice.

I received a call today from a florist in town.  They wanted to know if I would be home for a delivery.  When they arrived, Chad met the delivery man outside.  Chad brought me a beautiful arrangement and told me to take it while he went to get the other one.  I said, "the other one?"  To receive 1 was a total surprise.  Why would I receive 2?  I waited to read the card until Chad brought the other flowers in.  Once he got in, we sat the other flowers down and I pulled the first card out.  I saw the name and lost it.  I immediately wept before I even read the note.  It was from Caleb.  Chad started to cry when I told him who sent it.  The card read, "Thinking of you.  Love you mom.  Caleb".  Those flowers meant more to me than anything.  To have my son think of me and send such a beautiful thing touched me in a way I can't even explain.  It's what I needed today!  He also picked out a beautiful arrangement.  It has all white flowers in it with a beautiful glass cross in the center.  I pulled the card out of the other arrangement and read it.  It was from 2 very special families that we love dearly; the McKinney's and the Leets.  It's another beautiful arrangement with fall colors.  Needless to say, after receiving those 2 special arrangements, I was an emotional wreck for a while.  I was trying to get ready for the day at the time and I will tell you it's hard to get ready and keep eye make up on your face when you can't stop the tears.  I was in my room crying and thinking about the flowers Caleb sent.  I just couldn't help but thank the Lord for my kids.  I am so blessed.  I just could not stop thanking God for my 4 blessings.  I love them all with everything in me.  I also called Caleb tonight and was able to talk to him a little bit.  It always does my heart good to hear his voice. 

So, as this day comes to an end, I thank the Lord for being with us.  I thank him for the wonderful friends that he has blessed me with.  We have friends all over the world and they all have a special place in my heart.  I thank him for my family.  They have loved on us, prayed for us, supported us and been with us every step of the way.  They continue to be there for us.  I am thankful for my husband who opens his arms to hug me and hold me when I get so emotional from receiving flowers from my son.  I am thankful for my kids who are pretty close to perfect in my eyes.  I am thankful for Chandler.  I am thankful for the blessing of being his mom.  I am thankful for the 16 years we had.  It was a short time but it was a perfect time.  We have wonderful memories to look back on.  We had lots of extra time with him because we home schooled him.  That's another thing I am thankful for.  I am thankful that God lead us to home school.  Because of that, I had so much more time with Chandler than I would have if  he had gone to school.  I am thankful for the gap in the age of my kids.  Chandler and Caleb were 10 and 9 when Corben was born.  They were 11 & 10 when Carlie was born.  If God hadn't blessed us with Corben and Carlie later on, we would have an empty nest right now and I don't know if I could handle that.  God knew what he was doing.  He always does, but sometimes we don't see the big picture.  I like it when I can see what he has done.  Some things I won't understand until I make it to heaven though.  The loss of Chandler is one of those things.  But, in the midst of our pain and heart break, I can still choose to be thankful. 

God Speaks

Most of my family and friends know that November is a hard month for me.  It's very emotional for a lot of reasons.  We celebrate Chandler's birthday but we also have the anniversary of  Chandler going home to heaven all within 5 days of each other.  I can already feel those days approaching.  So, when God speaks to me and it is so clear, it is very exciting and encouraging. 

I can remember very vividly what I was wearing the day of Chandler's accident, from my clothing to my shoes to my jewelry.  It wasn't anything special or amazing.  I think it's just the fact that I wore those clothes for 2 days while we were at the hospital.  Well, I was getting clothes together for church tonight.  I have to do it on Saturday night or I will never be ready on Sunday morning to leave on time.  I pulled out a shirt to wear and it happened to be the one that I wore during those days at the hospital.  Yes, it's almost 4 years later and I still have some of the same clothes.  If clothes still fit and look good, I keep them.  Anyway, I went to iron my shirt.  As I was ironing, I noticed something that I had never noticed before.  In the tag area was a picture of a dragonfly.  I just stopped ironing and stared at it for a minute.  I was amazed at what I was seeing.  Not too long after Chandler passed away, I ran across a story of the dragonfly.  I loved it and at that time I chose it as our symbol to remember Chandler.  So, it is very special to me every time I see one.  So, when I saw the dragonfly in my shirt, I just felt like God was speaking.  He was reminding me that he has been with us this whole time.  He was with us in the hospital and he is with us now.  It also seems that God chose the dragonfly for me as our symbol.  It was in my shirt that day and then He led me to the dragonfly story months after Chandler passed.  But, He took almost 4 years to let me see the big picture.  Of all of the shirts I could have worn that day, it just amazes me that I wore one that had a dragonfly in it, a symbol that would mean so much to me soon after. 

So, I am encouraged by God's message to me tonight.  Will I have bad days ahead?  Yes.  Will I cry a lot more than usual?  Yes.  Will I question things?  Yes.  But, I can also trust that God is going to get me through these more difficult days just like he does every other day.  It's only because of Him that I have made it this far. 


Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.  Psalm 23:4

Letters are Here!!

Today ended up being a great day.  Caleb just started his 4th week in Marine Corp boot camp.  Although, he is 4 weeks in, we had not received our 1st letter from him.  Because of our move, mail had to be forwarded until he received our new address in our first letter.  Well, it was taking forever.  I was disappointed every day when I went to the mailbox.  I was driving home this afternoon and as I approached the house, I just prayed that we would get a letter today.  I parked the car and then walked over to the mailbox.  When I opened it, I noticed forwarding stickers on some mail.  I pulled everything out and there was a letter and then another letter and another.  3 letters!!  I just teared up when I saw them.  I was so happy and so excited to hear from Caleb.  I went into the house and sat at the table to begin reading them.  The first letter was pretty basic.  It was a typed out letter from the USMC that the recruits are given just to fill in some information.  This letter had his mailing address on it for all of our future mail.  He added a little bit of his own writing to that letter.  He requested that I mail him some deodorant and protein bars.  He said the deodorant they have there is liquid stuff.  He said the first week was exhausting.  In his second and third letters, he shared a little more.  He said that some days are better than others.  He has realized that if you just pay attention and do what you're told then you're fine.  Caleb never was a breakfast eater but he said that he has gotten used to eating breakfast.  He thinks he has gained weight from eating so much.  He hasn't really been singled out for doing anything wrong which is a good thing.  He said the biggest thing is just to listen and do everything as loud and as fast as possible.  He lost his voice for a few days but he said that means he is doing something right.  The food is actually decent.  Hot cafeteria food and salad/pasta bar and Gatorade.  They get hot showers but all 41 recruits have to be in, out and dried off in just a few minutes.  Drill is his favorite thing, although marching in camos in the heat with a drill belt, two canteens, assault pack and rifle gets very heavy and exhausting.  He said his back is killing him.  He has met one other believer in his platoon.  The 2 of them have been given the title, "lay readers". Basically, they are prayer leaders because they only get 5 minutes per night.  He is getting close to a few guys.  He said he didn't think it would be easy, but it's actually easy to stand out.  He said he strives to be different.  He talks to recruits as much as he can and prays with them.  He has shared the gospel to 2 people and people are constantly asking him questions and are curious.  He got a bunch of Bibles for the platoon and they're all thankful and curious.  He said that gets him "fired up".  He said it's a little odd because he has never really been like that but he feels like that's a big reason why he is there.  He said that getting letters is great.  It's sad when others get mail and you don't.  He also said that the nights are lonely. 

So, Caleb seems to be doing well.  He continues to amaze me with the faith he has.  He has been through a lot but he has stayed true to his faith and that makes me a very proud mama.

Thank you to all of the friends and family who are praying for Caleb during this time.  It is obvious that prayers are going up and that Caleb is being taken care of.  Please continue to pray. 

In addition to receiving Caleb's letters, a new friend brought us dinner and dessert tonight.  The dessert was special.  She said that she started reading my blog last night.  So, in honor of Chandler, she made "flower bunnies".  If you don't know what they are, it is brownies with powdered sugar sprinkled on top.  We don't know why Chandler called them that, but he did.  It was his sense of humor.  So, I am thankful for a new friend who is willing to do something so special for our family. 

It's been a great afternoon/evening.  I am so thankful!  Now, I must go and write Caleb a letter. 

Caleb heads to boot camp

This blog will be different than normal because it's not about Chandler.  It does affect our family and I want to remember the day so I am writing about it.

The goal of a parent is to raise their child.  We want to raise them in the way they should go.  We want to teach them how to grow into an adult, become independent and go out on their own.  I've realized today that even though your child reaches that goal, it's heart wrenching to let them go.  Tonight, we said goodbye to Caleb.  He will be heading to Parris Island, SC to Marine Corp boot camp tomorrow afternoon.  This has been something that Caleb has wanted to do since he was about 12 or 13 years old.  I think back to Caleb's birth and honestly, it doesn't seem like it was 18 years ago.  The time has flown by.  He has grown into an amazing young man.  He has experienced a lot in his 18 years.  Most of the hard times have been in the past few years.  Losing his older brother/best friend, Chandler, has been the hardest.  But, he remained faithful through it all.  He has continued to stand firm in the midst of the trial.  He is more mature and wise than most his age.  He amazes me!  He is loving and compassionate.  He is a leader.  He is funny and he is fun to be around.  He is a great brother.  He is a loyal friend.  He can hang out with people of all ages.  He can sit and play with a baby and he can also sit down and talk with someone much older and he will enjoy it.  He is also a great boy friend.  I've seen him with his girlfriend and he knows how to make her feel like a queen.  He is an incredible son.  I look at him and I just beam with pride.  I am blessed to be his mama! 

Tonight, after he was checked into the hotel by the Marine Corp, we were able to go visit with him for a while.  So, we picked his girl friend, Sarah, up and arrived there about 5:00.  We took him to dinner and then went back to the hotel.  We went to the pool area and let Corben and Carlie play.  We just sat around the pool.  For the most part, we let Caleb and Sarah sit away from us and spend time together.  As long as I was in the same room with him, I didn't mind.  Sarah makes him the happiest and I wanted him to be as happy as he could be for his last few hours that he had with us.  At about 8:20, we had to say our good byes.  I tried to be so strong for Caleb.  I cried but I didn't lose it.  I didn't want to make it any harder on Caleb than it already was.

After we got home, I found Carlie with a flushed face and red eyes.  She had been crying.  Then, I found Corben on his bed crying.  So, we all cried together.  After our time together, I went to take a shower and have my own time so I just cried in the shower for a while.  It's going to be so different around here.  Chandler is in heaven and now Caleb is grown and he is spreading his wings.  Our family has changed a lot in just a few years time. 

But, we will get through this.  We will miss Caleb terribly.  But, it's going to be all worth it when we get to graduation and see him dressed and marching with his platoon.  He will be beaming with pride at what he has accomplished.  I can not wait!!

3 Years

Well, I started out my day in the shower with some alone time.  I spent some time crying and trying to let out some of my sadness so that I could try and remain as strong as I could for the family today.  Our plans were to do things a little differently today.  We know what the date is and we know that it brings bad memories and a lot of sadness.  But, we wanted to try and make it a better day for the kids.  So, we all went out as a family for some lunch.  We talked about Chandler some.  We talked about some of the funny things he said or did.  And, of course, we laughed about it.  He definitely knew how to make us laugh and he still makes us laugh. 

After lunch, we went to the movies.  One of Chandler's favorite things to do was watch movies.  His email address had "moviebuff" in it.  We took the kids to see Free Birds.  I have to admit it was not the best movie.  I think Chandler would have been as disappointed as we were. 

When we got home this afternoon, I was checking email and FB messages.  There was a post by a friend of Chandler's.  She was talking about a time when Chandler sent her a Facebook message.  He told her, "life is awesome Jonna, even when it's not".  Of course, the first thing I do when I read it is start crying like a baby.  Since Chandler passed away, I've heard different stories about him from friends.  Their memories, things he has said, etc.  I had never heard about this from Jonna.  I love hearing new things, especially 3 years later when I think that all of the stories have been told.  I also felt like this thing that Chandler said was meant for me.  I have to admit that since November 14, 2010, life has not been awesome for me.  I feel like I'm just existing, with no purpose or desire.  I feel guilty about it a lot because I have 3 other kids here with me that deserve more than that.  So, when I read that quote from Chandler, I felt like he was telling me, "life is awesome, Mom, even when it's not".  So, even though life is not awesome for me right now, I'm going to try and keep that quote in my mind.  I am going to try and live my life as if it is awesome, even in the midst of the pain.  Thank you, Jonna, for sharing that memory.  At the 3 year anniversary, it was the perfect time for me to hear that. 

A little while ago, we put a movie in to watch (Iron Man 3).  We were all sitting here and Caleb walked out for a minute.  He walked back in and I see more than him standing there.  His girlfriend, Sarah, stopped by for a surprise visit.  She brought me flowers.  What did I do?  I got up, hugged her and cried.  Caleb told me that he had told her that when she got here and gave me flowers, I would hug her and cry.  That's what I did.  He knows me well. 

One of the difficult things I have to deal with is that we are 3 hours from Chandler's grave.  I don't get to visit as often as I would like.  But, we have some very special friends who do visit there often.  They went today and I am so appreciative.  I am so thankful for their willingness to go there. They have always done it because of their love for Chandler.  Thank you McKinney family.  We love y'all!

I've received many texts and messages today from people who have been praying for us and thinking about us on this day.  We are so very thankful.  We are very blessed with great friends and family!

So, we've made it through the 3rd anniversary of Chandler going to heaven.  Even though, tears have fallen, it's been a pretty good day.  I enjoyed our time today as a family.  Since I've started to work, I feel like I hardly see Caleb during the week.  It used to be just me and him here during the day.  We wouldn't hang out all day together. But, we would usually be together in the kitchen making lunch and talking or sitting down eating lunch and watching some TV.  So, to have him with us all day today has been a blessing.  He's still here with us watching a movie.  I don't think we've all been together this long in a while.  So, I'm enjoying it.  Of course, I'm kicking them all out in about an hour so that I can watch Grey's Anatomy.  :)

Chandler, 3 years later, we still miss you terribly.  We miss you more than ever.  We hold you close to our heart and always will.  You are talked about often and we will continue to do that as well. You will always be part of this family.  Right now, we give live apart.  But, we will all be together again and it will be for eternity.  I love you with all of my heart, forever and always! 

Praise You in this Storm

Three years ago today, we received a phone call from Caleb that Chandler had been in a dirt biking accident.  So, how have I gotten through the 3rd anniversary of that day?  Here's how.

It really amazes me sometimes how God seems to do things right on time.  His time!  This morning, I woke up and started to get ready for work and get the kids ready for school.  I don't have to go into work until later.  So, after they leave, I usually sit down and drink coffee and read through devotions.  This morning's devotion was right on time.  The verse for today was: "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28.  That verse reminded me that I may not understand why we've experienced such a great loss.  I may not understand why we have some of the struggles we do.  I may not like the cards we've been dealt a lot of times.  But, there is a reason for it.  In all of this, God has a plan.  That plan is for His purpose.  It's possible I won't even know the purpose or the good that comes from all of these things in the long run.  But, when our days are over here on earth, it will all make sense.  The pain, tears and suffering won't matter any more.  As much as we hurt here, the timing here is nothing.  We have an eternity awaiting us that will be full of joy, love, happiness, etc.  No more tears!  

On the way to work, I had the radio on.  I flip through the stations a lot.  When I landed on a station, they started playing a song.  It was "Praise You in this Storm", by Casting Crowns.  The song says so much that I can relate to.  It's a great song.  I wept the entire drive to school.  

As soon as I got to the school, I received a text from a friend.  She said that she was praying for our family.  So, I enter work knowing that people are praying and that means so much to me.  I don't take those prayers for granted.  They do work.  When I get into my class, I explain what we are going to do for the day.  I tell the students what the plans are for tomorrow and that I will not be there.  Chad and I have been given the day off tomorrow which is a huge blessing.  We are truly thankful for the heart of the principal at the school and for her considering what our family needs tomorrow.  Anyway, before we start our class work for the day, a student asks me if we can pray.  We don't usually start our class with prayer so this was a change.  I asked him, "would you like to pray?"  He said, "yes".  A few other students shared a few prayer requests.  Then, this student started praying.  For most of that prayer, he prayed for our family.  It was the most beautiful, touching prayer.  He prayed it with such compassion.  That prayer came straight from that 6th grader's heart.  That prayer was such a blessing to me.   I love that kid!

Throughout the day, I've received many texts, FB messages and calls from so many people praying for us and thinking about us.  I am so appreciative of them all.  It is so comforting to know that we have so much love and support through this journey.  Yes, it's 3 years later but we still hurt.  We are still in need of those prayers.  

So, once again, we've made it through another hard day.  It's been very clear to me that God continues to know where we are.  He still comforts us.  He does that by using so many people.  I am so thankful that people are willing to be used by God to be a help and encouragement to us.  



"Praise You in this Storm" - Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Happy Birthday, Chandler

My Dear Chandler,

Today, we celebrated your 19th birthday.  This morning when I woke up, I just stayed in bed for a while thinking about the day you were born.  I can remember it as if it just happened.  I imagined being there in that hospital and having them lay you on my chest after you were born.  You were a beautiful baby boy, with a head full of crazy hair. 

Our plan today was to celebrate you!  It's so hard to do that without you here.  We miss you so much.  But, November 9 is not a sad day!  It's your birthday!  It's the day you were born and we finally were able to hold you and love on you.  The sadness just comes because we have to do this without you now. 

We planned a good meal today and ate together as a family.  Caleb's girlfriend, Sarah, joined us.  For dessert, I made one of your favorites.  I made brownies and sprinkled them with powdered sugar.  You named them "flower bunnies".  We never understood why in the world you named them that, but we laugh about it every time we have them.  It just shows your sense of humor. 

We've watched lots of videos today.  Some of them were old videos from when you were just a little toddler.  Some of them are the videos/movies that you made as you got older.  We are so very thankful for all of those movies you made.  We cherish them!  I wish there were so many more.  We just sat here a little while ago watching the video you made of when you were outside digging a ditch in the back yard.  It's about a 15 minute video of you digging.  We watched the whole thing.  Who would have ever thought that watching you dig a ditch would be so enjoyable?  We love seeing your face, hearing your voice and your laughter.  There is a part in that video that always makes us laugh.  You are working so hard at digging and Caleb isn't there to help you.  You keep yelling at him to come help but he never comes.  At the end of the video, you yell at him again and say, "Caleb, you're not doing Jack Nicholson"!  You would say that a lot and we laugh at that every time we hear it.  The crazy thing is that most people wouldn't think to set the video camera up and tape themselves digging a ditch.  But, you did that!  And, it means so much to us to have it.  Thank you for your great sense of humor and for your love of making movies.

Later this afternoon, Nathan came over to visit a little while for your birthday.  I'm glad he came.  We don't see him as much as we used to when he lived across the street.  So, it meant a lot that he would come by today, for your day.  While he was here, we all sat and listened to Sarah sing for us.  She and Caleb played the guitar and she sang, "Happy Birthday" to you for us.  It was beautiful! 

Your dad and I were talking this morning about the grieving process.  It's very hard!  I think you just learn it as you go through it.  Some people may think that at almost 3 years into this, we should be fine.  Our grief should be over.  That is not true at all!  You can't get over the loss of a child.  We've just learned how to live with the loss.  We take it a day at a time.  Each day can be so different emotionally.  You don't know what kind of day it will be until you wake up each morning.  Some days are harder than others.  Some days, I just want to lay around and cry all day because I miss you so much.  I think at nearly 3 years with you being gone, it hurts more in some ways.  I've realized that it's been almost 1,095 days since we've touched you, heard you walking through the house, heard your laughter, etc.  That's why the movies we have mean so much to us.  We long to hear your voice.  And, when we hear it on those movies, it is so sweet!  There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think of you.  Your name is mentioned all the time.  You are still very much a part of our family, even though you aren't present with us.  

I love you so much, Chanman!  I'm so blessed to be your Mama.  You are never far from my thoughts!  Happy Birthday to you! 

I love you,

Forever your mama