Chandler's Birthday

17 years ago today, my first baby was born - Curtis Chandler Coleman, Jr.  I can remember that day as if it just happened.  As soon as Chandler was born, the doctor laid him on my chest and I held him for the first time.  I'll never forget the love I felt for my sweet baby boy.  The labor was long (33 hours).  Every other time I saw my doctor after Chandler was born, he always referred to my labor and delivery as an "ordeal".  If I were to run into my doctor today, I have no doubt that he would remember us.  He was an awesome doctor!  As I've remembered back to those 33 hours of labor and the pain I experienced, I have come to realize that the pain I experienced back on Nov. 8 - 9, 1994 was nothing compared to the pain I'm dealing with now.  The pain I felt giving birth resulted in joy.  Once Chandler was born, that pain was forgotten.  I had a beautiful baby boy in my arms.  The pain I have in my heart now just lingers.  There is no joy to come at the end of today.  Chandler is not going to walk in the house tonight for me to wish him a happy birthday.  For the first time in 17 years, I didn't make him a birthday cake.  I couldn't go birthday shopping.  I can't look at pictures from his birthday last year and see how much he's grown or how much he's changed.  I have no idea what he would look like at 17.  He will forever be 16 to me because that's how old he was when he went to heaven.

I ran across the poem below a while back and thought I would include it here:

The Cord

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

Author Unknown

As we prepared for today, I struggled with what to do.  It's hard to do anything but it seems so wrong to do nothing.  I thought about making the birthday cake that Chandler always requests (chocolate cake with chocolate icing) but I knew there was no way I would get through baking a cake.  So, baking a cake was out.  Of course, we had friends take care of us.  They provided a chocolate cake with chocolate icing in honor of Chandler's birthday.  They gave it to us yesterday.  Then, today, I received a call from a local cupcake shop in the area.  My sister and her family had ordered us a dozen cupcakes and they were delivered to us.  So, we have some beautiful cupcakes to enjoy on Chandler's birthday as well.

We went to the grave today.  On our way, we stopped and bought some balloons.  I got a small one to keep there in the flower arrangement.  I also got a red heart balloon that we all wrote on and placed it at the grave as well.  Then, we all picked out our own balloon to write a note on and release at the grave.  When we got to the grave, I put some sheets out on the ground to sit on.  We sat there and wrote on our balloons.  I also took a few baby pictures of Chandler and placed on the grave while we were there just to remember back to the day when he was born and when he was so little.  We all released our balloons one at a time and just stood there and watched as each balloon flew away.  

Chad just laid in the grass for a while at the cemetery while he held onto his balloon for Chandler.  At one point he said how "surreal" this all still seems.  It's so true.  Even though, it's almost a year later, it's still so hard to believe this has happened.  We are celebrating our son's birthday at his grave.  It's so hard to comprehend even though we stand there and see his name on his memorial.  We are living every parent's nightmare!

Once again, I am amazed at the friends and family who still continue to be with us during this journey.  Even though we're approaching the end of our first year without Chandler here with us, we have so many great people who continue to lift us up in prayer, send us cards, prepare meals for us, send texts, send messages on Facebook, etc.  I wish I could express to you all how much you mean to us.  I wish I could let you all know how much you are appreciated.  I wish you all could know that y'all really are helping us through this.  But, there are no words.  I can't seem to come up with the right words to say to really express how I feel.  I am just so thankful for each and every one of you!

I'm also very thankful for the youth group at the church.  I didn't go to church tonight but I was told today that they were all going to wear blue ribbons tonight in honor of Chandler's birthday.  I also just heard that they all sang Happy Birthday to Chandler tonight as well.  I appreciate that they still remember him and that they talk about him. That is one thing I want so badly!  I want Chandler to be remembered!  The youth group meant a lot to Chandler.  He loved being there!  If he were here, he wouldn't want them to make a big deal of his birthday but I'm so thankful that in his absence, he is being remembered.  

I will confess that I failed as a mom today.  Earlier today I was trying to get us ready to leave the house.  Corben wasn't getting some work done that he needed to get done.  He had been working on it for an hour.  I was already an emotional wreck and he was frustrating me!  So, I finally let him know it.  I was crying.  He was crying.  It was horrible.  He went to his room and I went my way.  I felt horrible.  I felt like such a failure as a mom.  I'm dwelling so much on Chandler, our loss, my pain, etc. that it's hurting my other kids.  I'm hurting my other kids.  I don't want that to happen.  So, after a while, I went into his room and he was still crying.  I talked to him for a while and I apologized.  I told him I love him and we hugged. 

In the midst of the heartache, I've tried to remember things about Chandler that would make me smile.  He was so fun and he loved to laugh and there are definitely plenty of things he did that made me laugh.  So, that's why I'm including another poem here.  What it says is true but it has a little humor in it.  The last lines sound like something Chandler would say to me.

"My Mom Lies”

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies.

She never did before.

From now until the day she dies,

she'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mom how she is,

and because she can't explain,

She will tell a little lie

because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is,

She'll say, “I'm alright”.

If that's the truth, then tell me,

why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mom how she is,

She seems to cope so well.

She didn't have a choice you see

nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,

“I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping”.

For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth

just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life,

I loved her all of mine.

But if you ask her how she is,

she'll lie and say she's fine.

I am here in Heaven.

I cannot hug from here.

So If she lies to you don't listen,

hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,

I'll smile and I'll be bold.

I'll say, “You're lucky to get in here, Mom,

With all the lies you told!     


So, the day is almost over.  With so many prayers going up for us, we've made it.  Of course, it's been a tiring day.  Being so emotional is tiring.  On top of that, dealing with the stress and worry of leading up to today as well as trying to get through today has given me a mild headache.  So, I'm looking forward to and hoping for a good night's sleep tonight.  Tomorrow is another day and we'll face it when it comes but getting through Chandler's birthday was a difficult one and we've made it.  Thank you Lord!  And, thank you friends and family!


My dear Chandler,


We've just celebrated your birthday without you with us.  It was so hard and so emotional.  We tried so hard to celebrate you and show you how much we love and miss you.  It's hard to know what you know there in heaven about what goes on here on earth.  But, I hope that God allowed you a little glimpse of your family today, just to remind you of how much we love you.


I am so proud and blessed to be your Mama.  God showed me so much love when he gave you, Caleb, Corben and Carlie to me.  


I hope that you have had a great birthday.  I'm pretty confident that since you're in the presence of God then this has to be the best birthday you've ever had.  It had to be perfect!  


I love you with all of my heart!!  I always will!!  Happy Birthday!


I love you,
Mom

Dreaded days ahead

We have some days coming up that are going to be harder than normal.  I can't help but think of the days that are approaching; Chandler's birthday, the anniversary of the accident and the anniversary of Chandler going to heaven.  I'm dreading the days.  Lately, when I go to bed, my mind has been going crazy with all these things coming up.  With those thoughts also come other things that bother me such as images that I don't need to see before trying to go to sleep.  But, it's so hard to get my mind to just STOP!  I try so hard though.  There are so many nights that I lay there and say "Lord, I can't do this now.  My mind can't go there.  Please help me!" 

In addition to all of these things coming up, I'm also dreading the holidays.  I have no desire to even have Thanksgiving or Christmas.  We do have some great friends who have invited us to join them for Thanksgiving.  I'm thankful for that because I believe it will be better for us to be there than to be here at home.  But, then, there is Christmas.  The decorations, shopping, celebration, excitement, etc.  I could care less this year.  It's so unlike me.  I used to want to have my Christmas decorations up before Thanksgiving because I wanted them up as long as possible.  Now, I want to avoid it!  I feel like such a Scrooge!  The sad thing is that the way I feel is so unfair to my kids.  I should be so excited to be doing all of the "stuff" for them in order to see their happiness, their excitement and to give them the best holidays and to give them holiday memories to look back on when they are older.  Instead, my mind dwells on our loss and the fact that I have to get through these holidays without my oldest child.  My kids have to go through the holidays and the rest of their lives without their older brother.  This will actually be our 2nd Thanksgiving and Christmas without Chandler.  But, this year is just as hard or even harder than last year.  I believe that everything was so fresh last year that I was in a daze.  Reality has hit now!  And, reality hurts!!

Because of the time of the year, we're trying to get away as much as possible.  We are going this next week for 2 days to Gatlinburg to get away.  We've also been blessed in that we have been given some time off around the "anniversary" date to have family time.  I want to be here on the 14th so we are leaving on the 15th to go to the beach and just be together as a family.  We've been blessed with some great friends who have offered their beach home to us for that time.

On a different note, we received a letter 2 weeks ago from the recipient of Chandler's kidney.  The recipient was a 19 yr. old boy.  His mom wrote us the letter.  Reading that letter stirred up so many different emotions at once; happiness for their family, sadness for our family, anger because it took my son to save her son, etc.  The happiest day of that mother's life was the worst day of this mother's life.  I am so thankful that they wrote us though.  They were so appreciative of our son's "gift".  We hope to continue to build a relationship with the family as well as the other recipients.  There are a lot of rules in how we correspond to each other but eventually, we will have the freedom to share more information.  It appears that this family wants to know us because their letter had their address and phone number on it.  Of course, that all had to be removed before we received the letter.  We're not able to share that information yet.  I hope and pray that one day we will be able to meet the recipients.  The recipients who now carry my son's organs. 

11 Months

11 months ago, Chandler went to heaven.  It's so hard to believe it has been that much time.  It's still hard to comprehend sometimes that this is our life now.

My parents came to town yesterday so I've been able to spend the day with them, Chad, and the kids.  It has made the day more bearable.   Of course, we've still had our share of tears.  We went to the cemetery today.  Chandler's new headstone came in this week so we saw it today for the first time.  It's beautiful and I think we did a great job of designing one that fits who Chandler is.  It has his name and dates on it and there are 3 images on it.  One is an artist palette because Chandler loved drawing so much.  There is an image of a camera because photography was something else he was passionate about.  Then, there is a scroll that reads "In the hands of God".  We also have "Perfect son, brother and friend" on it.  It's still so shocking to go to the cemetery and stand over my son's grave.  It seems so wrong to me.  It's very surreal being there.

Caleb had 2 soccer games today so we were able to enjoy watching him play so hard and passionately.  Of course, he plays right in front of the hospital that Chandler was in.  So, as I sat watching Caleb's game, I was also looking at the hospital in the background.  11 months ago today, we had to say goodbye to Chandler and walk out of that hospital.  I can still see it so clearly in my mind, as if it just happened.  


Chandler, you are missed and loved so much!

Still Struggling

For the last week or so, I've been even more emotional.  I'm missing Chandler so much I can hardly stand it.  The heart ache I feel is as fresh and painful as it was the day he left us and went to heaven.  I live with a sadness in me.  I try hard not to let it show so much, especially with the kids, but it's there.  They see the tears sometimes but most of the time, I'll just go back to my bathroom and shut the door and let the tears fall.  Of course, yesterday, I wasn't even home and the tears came over me so quickly.  I was actually at our co-op.  There was some time where I didn't really have anything to do.  I was freezing so I walked outside in the sun to warm up.  I ended up going and sitting in my car and cried for 30 minutes.  I tried several times to get control of myself and go back in but the tears would keep falling.  Finally, I was able to go back in the building.  But, as soon I got inside, I had to find an empty room to hide out in and cry more.

Our life is so different now without Chandler.  Yes, I have Caleb, Corben and Carlie and I love them with everything in me.  But, when I see them or our family together, I see the one that is not there - Chandler.  The other day Caleb had a birthday party to be at.  He was already there when I had to stop by and give him something.  When I parked, I looked up and someone was walking to me.  His head was down a little and I felt the insides of my body just fall.  My mouth dropped.  That person walking to me looked exactly like Chandler.  I really thought "it's Chandler!"  I was so excited for a second.  It was so real, that at first, I thought this has all been a bad dream.  But, reality hit.  I realized it was Caleb.  He was wearing one of Chandler's jackets that he used to wear a lot.  The resemblance that day was unreal.

Last week we went to the hospital (the one Chandler was in) to check on someone.  I had not been back there since the day I left it, Nov. 14.  It's not a place I want to be.  I don't even like riding past it and looking over at it.  I get this sick feeling inside of me.  But, I was willing to go there on this particular day.  We got in to the information desk and Chad asked them for the room we needed to go to.  She mentioned a number that started with a 9.  My heart sunk.  Chandler was on the 9th floor.  My whole insides were shaking by now and tears were in my eyes.  How was I going to do this?  Chad said I didn't have to if I didn't want to.  I knew that.  But, I felt like I really needed to check on this family.  I mean, it was my idea to go to the hospital in the first place.  We took the elevator up to the 9th floor.  I walked carefully and tried not to look too hard at things for fear that I would see something that I recognized and then they would probably be picking me up off of the floor.  We got to where we needed to be and got our update.  Then it was time to leave.  Fortunately, we didn't seem to be in the same area that we were in when we were there with Chandler.  I didn't see the waiting room.  I didn't see the doors we had to walk through to see Chandler.  As hard as it was to be there, those things were blessings.  It could have been so much worse!

I'll be honest and say I've felt very discouraged lately.  Sometimes I feel as if God has forgotten us.  But, I'm trying to find some encouragement in the following devotion for today.

The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first. (Job 42:12)

   Job found his legacy through the grief he experienced.  He was tried that his godliness might be confirmed and validated.  In the same way, my troubles are intended to deepen my character and to clothe me in gifts I had little of prior to my difficulties, for my ripest fruit grows against the roughest wall.  I come to a place of glory only through my own humility, tears, and death, just as Job's afflictions left him with a higher view of God and more humble thoughts of himself.  At last he cried, "Now my eyes have seen you" (v. 5).
   If I experience the presence of God in His majesty through my pain and loss, so that I bow before Him and pray, "Your will be done" (Matt. 6:10), then I have gained much indeed.  God gave glimpses of his future glory, for in those weary and difficult days and nights, he was allowed to penetrate God's veil and could honestly say, "I know that my Redeemer lives" (Job 19:25).  So truly: "The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first."  from In the Hour of Silence

    Trouble never comes to someone unless it brings a nugget of gold in its hand.

   Apparent adversity will ultimately become an advantage for those of us doing what is right, if we are willing to keep serving and to wait patiently.  Think of the great victorious souls of the past who worked with steadfast faith and who were invincible and courageous!  There are many blessings we will never obtain if we are unwilling to accept and endure suffering.  There are certain joys that can come to us only through sorrow.  There are revelations of God's divine truth that we will receive only when the lights of earth have been extinguished.  And there are harvests that will grow only once the plow has done its work. selected
   It is from suffering that the strongest souls ever known have emerged; the world's greatest display of character is seen in those who exhibit the scars of sorrow; the martyrs of the ages have worn their coronation robes that have glistened with fire, yet through their tears and sorrow have seen the gates of heaven. Chapin

I will know by the gleam and glitter
   Of the golden chain you wear,
By your heart's calm strength in loving,
   Of the fire you have had to bear.
Beat on, true heart, forever;
   Shine bright, strong golden chain;
And bless the cleansing fire
   And the furnace of living pain!

A Disturbing Dream

I just don't get it!  Sometime in the wee hours of the morning, I woke up.  This time, it was a dream that woke me up.  I always want so badly to dream about Chandler.  I can't have him here with us so it would be nice to at least see him in a dream.  I've only had about 2 brief ones so far and neither was good.  Last night was the same thing.  The dream was longer but it wasn't pleasant at all.  It wasn't comforting.  It was very disturbing.  When I woke up, I got up to go check on the kids thinking that it might help me to get my mind off of what I had just experienced in the dream.  Then, I went back to bed.  My mind was going crazy.  I couldn't clear it.  My eyes watered with tears.  I was so close to just getting up and going to the other room to read or do something to distract myself for a while.  But, I didn't.  Instead, I laid in bed trying to think of everything I could to get my mind off of the dream so that I could go back to sleep.  Of course, it was really hard to do because what I really wanted was to know "why did I have that dream?"  I miss Chandler so much and it hurts so badly to not have him here with us.  Then, I have this dream that is so disturbing.  How is that helping me?  It's NOT!!  It makes me question things and wonder things that I should not be thinking about.  So, after a while, I was finally able to fall asleep and get a few more hours rest before I had to get up for the day.  Of course, since I've been up, my mind keeps drifting back to last night.  I've cried.  I've looked at Chandler's pictures.  I miss him so much!!  I hate that I had that dream.  I don't understand it.  Maybe, it's not supposed to mean anything but it was so upsetting to me that I can't help but wonder why my mind had to go there.  I just hope and pray it doesn't happen again. 

10 months!

Another month has gone by without Chandler here with us.  It seems like it's been so long since we've seen him.  Yet, it also feels like just yesterday I walked out of the hospital, leaving him behind.  It's all still so fresh in my memory.  There are times when I'll be driving down the road and out of the blue my mind will start thinking of that horrible time in the hospital.  I see Chandler in that hospital bed and it just kills me.  There was nothing I could do to help him.  A mama wants to help her children and I couldn't do that.  I was in church this past Sunday morning and for some reason my mind went back to the funeral.  I could see Chandler's casket down in the front of the church.  I don't know why my mind went there.  It just happened.

A lot of people probably think 'it's been 10 months, they should be fine now'.  Until people are in the shoes we're in, they'll never know what it's like.  It's hell!  10 months doesn't mean I'm better!  10 months means it has been that long since I've heard my sweet boy's voice.  It's been 10 months since I've heard his wonderful, contagious laugh!  It's been so long since I've seen him walk through the house, work in the yard, or play with his brothers and sister.  10 months means I miss him more and more each day.  I never thought I could miss someone the way I miss him!  There are days when I just want to scream.  I want to cuss.  I want to just run through the house and break things.  Sometimes, I just want to give up.  As horrible as it sounds, I've thought "what if our entire family was just involved in a car accident and we were all killed"?  Then, we would all be together.  I'm not thinking of doing anything crazy like that but that is the things that go through the mind of a grieving mother. 

Corben and Carlie were recently watching some of Chandler's videos.  They talk about him and see his pictures everywhere.  It breaks my heart that they don't have their biggest brother here with them.  He was so good at playing with them and including them in things.  I also wish he was here for Caleb.  They were close in age so it was always 'Chandler & Caleb'.  It's very different to see Caleb - without Chandler.  Caleb has really grown up the past year.  I guess he really hasn't had a choice.  Losing a sibling will change you.  He makes me so proud.  I would love for Chandler to be here to see Caleb as he plays and sings in the praise team in the youth group and he plays soccer and as he learns to drive.  I also see the changes in Caleb as far as his looks go and how much he's growing and I would love to see that in Chandler as well.

Corben sleeps in Chandler's room now.  I went in there 2 weeks ago to get some clothes out for him and got distracted by looking through Chandler's clothes.  I could see him as I looked at some of the clothes, especially the ones that he wore more than others.  I would hold something of his close to me wishing so badly that I was holding onto him.  So, I decided to grab one of his t-shirts and wear it.  I wore that t-shirt to church that night.  Something was said about it and I told them it was Chandler's and then some of the youth recognized it.  I was glad I wore it.  It was somewhat comforting just to have something of his so close to me. 

So, 10 months later, we still hurt.  We still feel the loss every day. There are so many things that trigger the emotions.  Caleb is playing soccer this year for the first time.  The field they play on is directly in front of the hospital that Chandler was in.  So, as I'm sitting there watching Caleb play, my eyes are on the hospital building, where we stood beside Chandler, holding him and praying for him.  Then, there is a building to the right where the life flight helicopters are.  The helicopter that Chandler was brought in on.  The other night, we heard the engine running but it never took off.  At the entrance of the parking lot, there is a Life Net sign.  These are the people that we donated Chandler's organs through.  Apparently, their office is in the building we park behind.  So, at Caleb's first game the other night, I was quite overwhelmed with all this being right there.  I mean when I drive down the highway that takes you past the hospital, I won't even look over that way.  I just get this sick feeling come over me.  Now, I'm having to stare right at it as I watch a soccer game.  But, I'm thankful that while Caleb is playing, I can focus on him and it distracts me from the stuff around me for a while.  I love watching Caleb play.  He's passionate and very energetic and it's exciting to watch him.  I am a very proud mama.  I have been blessed with wonderful children!

I love you Chandler!  I always will!!  Forever, Your Mama

Chandler's laugh

This weekend, Corben and Carlie ran across a voice recorder that belongs to their dad.  All of the kids used to play with it a lot.  They would record things and listen to it.  They put new batteries in it this weekend and started playing around with it.  When I saw that they had it, I asked them if they had heard any old stuff on it.  I knew it was possible that there was stuff on it from Chandler.  They said there was nothing else on it.  So, they played with it all day yesterday and never heard anything on it except what they had been recording and playing back.  This morning, we were getting ready for our co-op group when they were listening to something on it.  One of them brought it to me and asked "who is this?"  It was Chandler!  He was talking and then I heard his laugh!  The laugh got to me!  I miss his laughter so much! It was so sweet to hear yet it was heartbreaking.  If I heard his laughter among a million others, I would be able to pick it out.  So, when I heard that laugh this morning, I just cried.  I was so happy to be able to hear it.  Then, tonight, Carlie was listening to stuff on the recorder again.  I walked by her and heard something and it sounded familiar.  I took it from her and put it up to my ear.  It was Chandler's voice.  Apparently he had written a story one time and he read the entire story on the recorder.  The story is funny and it's definitely an original writing by Chandler.  It's pretty long so I just sat for a while listening to his voice and his laughter.  It was wonderful.  What a treasure to have!

Chandler,

I am so thankful for your humor.  I'm so glad that you loved to laugh so much.  Your laughter puts a smile on my face.  Your laughter is contagious.  I'm glad you liked to write funny stories.  I'm so glad that you sat in your room one day and read aloud one of your stories while playing around on the voice recorder.  I don't know why you did it and I don't know why it never got deleted all of those other times y'all played on that recorder.  I do know that I am so thankful to have it now.  I'm thankful that today I was able to hear your voice and your amazing laughter!  Of course, I wish so badly that you were here with us and I could hear you in person.  But, I'm truly thankful for this gift today.  I will cherish it forever.  We all miss you so much!  Our hearts still hurt and I know they always will.  You are a part of us and we feel so broken without you.  You were and always will be a wonderful son and the best big brother!

I love you so much,
Always your Mom