11 Months

11 months ago, Chandler went to heaven.  It's so hard to believe it has been that much time.  It's still hard to comprehend sometimes that this is our life now.

My parents came to town yesterday so I've been able to spend the day with them, Chad, and the kids.  It has made the day more bearable.   Of course, we've still had our share of tears.  We went to the cemetery today.  Chandler's new headstone came in this week so we saw it today for the first time.  It's beautiful and I think we did a great job of designing one that fits who Chandler is.  It has his name and dates on it and there are 3 images on it.  One is an artist palette because Chandler loved drawing so much.  There is an image of a camera because photography was something else he was passionate about.  Then, there is a scroll that reads "In the hands of God".  We also have "Perfect son, brother and friend" on it.  It's still so shocking to go to the cemetery and stand over my son's grave.  It seems so wrong to me.  It's very surreal being there.

Caleb had 2 soccer games today so we were able to enjoy watching him play so hard and passionately.  Of course, he plays right in front of the hospital that Chandler was in.  So, as I sat watching Caleb's game, I was also looking at the hospital in the background.  11 months ago today, we had to say goodbye to Chandler and walk out of that hospital.  I can still see it so clearly in my mind, as if it just happened.  


Chandler, you are missed and loved so much!

Still Struggling

For the last week or so, I've been even more emotional.  I'm missing Chandler so much I can hardly stand it.  The heart ache I feel is as fresh and painful as it was the day he left us and went to heaven.  I live with a sadness in me.  I try hard not to let it show so much, especially with the kids, but it's there.  They see the tears sometimes but most of the time, I'll just go back to my bathroom and shut the door and let the tears fall.  Of course, yesterday, I wasn't even home and the tears came over me so quickly.  I was actually at our co-op.  There was some time where I didn't really have anything to do.  I was freezing so I walked outside in the sun to warm up.  I ended up going and sitting in my car and cried for 30 minutes.  I tried several times to get control of myself and go back in but the tears would keep falling.  Finally, I was able to go back in the building.  But, as soon I got inside, I had to find an empty room to hide out in and cry more.

Our life is so different now without Chandler.  Yes, I have Caleb, Corben and Carlie and I love them with everything in me.  But, when I see them or our family together, I see the one that is not there - Chandler.  The other day Caleb had a birthday party to be at.  He was already there when I had to stop by and give him something.  When I parked, I looked up and someone was walking to me.  His head was down a little and I felt the insides of my body just fall.  My mouth dropped.  That person walking to me looked exactly like Chandler.  I really thought "it's Chandler!"  I was so excited for a second.  It was so real, that at first, I thought this has all been a bad dream.  But, reality hit.  I realized it was Caleb.  He was wearing one of Chandler's jackets that he used to wear a lot.  The resemblance that day was unreal.

Last week we went to the hospital (the one Chandler was in) to check on someone.  I had not been back there since the day I left it, Nov. 14.  It's not a place I want to be.  I don't even like riding past it and looking over at it.  I get this sick feeling inside of me.  But, I was willing to go there on this particular day.  We got in to the information desk and Chad asked them for the room we needed to go to.  She mentioned a number that started with a 9.  My heart sunk.  Chandler was on the 9th floor.  My whole insides were shaking by now and tears were in my eyes.  How was I going to do this?  Chad said I didn't have to if I didn't want to.  I knew that.  But, I felt like I really needed to check on this family.  I mean, it was my idea to go to the hospital in the first place.  We took the elevator up to the 9th floor.  I walked carefully and tried not to look too hard at things for fear that I would see something that I recognized and then they would probably be picking me up off of the floor.  We got to where we needed to be and got our update.  Then it was time to leave.  Fortunately, we didn't seem to be in the same area that we were in when we were there with Chandler.  I didn't see the waiting room.  I didn't see the doors we had to walk through to see Chandler.  As hard as it was to be there, those things were blessings.  It could have been so much worse!

I'll be honest and say I've felt very discouraged lately.  Sometimes I feel as if God has forgotten us.  But, I'm trying to find some encouragement in the following devotion for today.

The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first. (Job 42:12)

   Job found his legacy through the grief he experienced.  He was tried that his godliness might be confirmed and validated.  In the same way, my troubles are intended to deepen my character and to clothe me in gifts I had little of prior to my difficulties, for my ripest fruit grows against the roughest wall.  I come to a place of glory only through my own humility, tears, and death, just as Job's afflictions left him with a higher view of God and more humble thoughts of himself.  At last he cried, "Now my eyes have seen you" (v. 5).
   If I experience the presence of God in His majesty through my pain and loss, so that I bow before Him and pray, "Your will be done" (Matt. 6:10), then I have gained much indeed.  God gave glimpses of his future glory, for in those weary and difficult days and nights, he was allowed to penetrate God's veil and could honestly say, "I know that my Redeemer lives" (Job 19:25).  So truly: "The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first."  from In the Hour of Silence

    Trouble never comes to someone unless it brings a nugget of gold in its hand.

   Apparent adversity will ultimately become an advantage for those of us doing what is right, if we are willing to keep serving and to wait patiently.  Think of the great victorious souls of the past who worked with steadfast faith and who were invincible and courageous!  There are many blessings we will never obtain if we are unwilling to accept and endure suffering.  There are certain joys that can come to us only through sorrow.  There are revelations of God's divine truth that we will receive only when the lights of earth have been extinguished.  And there are harvests that will grow only once the plow has done its work. selected
   It is from suffering that the strongest souls ever known have emerged; the world's greatest display of character is seen in those who exhibit the scars of sorrow; the martyrs of the ages have worn their coronation robes that have glistened with fire, yet through their tears and sorrow have seen the gates of heaven. Chapin

I will know by the gleam and glitter
   Of the golden chain you wear,
By your heart's calm strength in loving,
   Of the fire you have had to bear.
Beat on, true heart, forever;
   Shine bright, strong golden chain;
And bless the cleansing fire
   And the furnace of living pain!

A Disturbing Dream

I just don't get it!  Sometime in the wee hours of the morning, I woke up.  This time, it was a dream that woke me up.  I always want so badly to dream about Chandler.  I can't have him here with us so it would be nice to at least see him in a dream.  I've only had about 2 brief ones so far and neither was good.  Last night was the same thing.  The dream was longer but it wasn't pleasant at all.  It wasn't comforting.  It was very disturbing.  When I woke up, I got up to go check on the kids thinking that it might help me to get my mind off of what I had just experienced in the dream.  Then, I went back to bed.  My mind was going crazy.  I couldn't clear it.  My eyes watered with tears.  I was so close to just getting up and going to the other room to read or do something to distract myself for a while.  But, I didn't.  Instead, I laid in bed trying to think of everything I could to get my mind off of the dream so that I could go back to sleep.  Of course, it was really hard to do because what I really wanted was to know "why did I have that dream?"  I miss Chandler so much and it hurts so badly to not have him here with us.  Then, I have this dream that is so disturbing.  How is that helping me?  It's NOT!!  It makes me question things and wonder things that I should not be thinking about.  So, after a while, I was finally able to fall asleep and get a few more hours rest before I had to get up for the day.  Of course, since I've been up, my mind keeps drifting back to last night.  I've cried.  I've looked at Chandler's pictures.  I miss him so much!!  I hate that I had that dream.  I don't understand it.  Maybe, it's not supposed to mean anything but it was so upsetting to me that I can't help but wonder why my mind had to go there.  I just hope and pray it doesn't happen again. 

10 months!

Another month has gone by without Chandler here with us.  It seems like it's been so long since we've seen him.  Yet, it also feels like just yesterday I walked out of the hospital, leaving him behind.  It's all still so fresh in my memory.  There are times when I'll be driving down the road and out of the blue my mind will start thinking of that horrible time in the hospital.  I see Chandler in that hospital bed and it just kills me.  There was nothing I could do to help him.  A mama wants to help her children and I couldn't do that.  I was in church this past Sunday morning and for some reason my mind went back to the funeral.  I could see Chandler's casket down in the front of the church.  I don't know why my mind went there.  It just happened.

A lot of people probably think 'it's been 10 months, they should be fine now'.  Until people are in the shoes we're in, they'll never know what it's like.  It's hell!  10 months doesn't mean I'm better!  10 months means it has been that long since I've heard my sweet boy's voice.  It's been 10 months since I've heard his wonderful, contagious laugh!  It's been so long since I've seen him walk through the house, work in the yard, or play with his brothers and sister.  10 months means I miss him more and more each day.  I never thought I could miss someone the way I miss him!  There are days when I just want to scream.  I want to cuss.  I want to just run through the house and break things.  Sometimes, I just want to give up.  As horrible as it sounds, I've thought "what if our entire family was just involved in a car accident and we were all killed"?  Then, we would all be together.  I'm not thinking of doing anything crazy like that but that is the things that go through the mind of a grieving mother. 

Corben and Carlie were recently watching some of Chandler's videos.  They talk about him and see his pictures everywhere.  It breaks my heart that they don't have their biggest brother here with them.  He was so good at playing with them and including them in things.  I also wish he was here for Caleb.  They were close in age so it was always 'Chandler & Caleb'.  It's very different to see Caleb - without Chandler.  Caleb has really grown up the past year.  I guess he really hasn't had a choice.  Losing a sibling will change you.  He makes me so proud.  I would love for Chandler to be here to see Caleb as he plays and sings in the praise team in the youth group and he plays soccer and as he learns to drive.  I also see the changes in Caleb as far as his looks go and how much he's growing and I would love to see that in Chandler as well.

Corben sleeps in Chandler's room now.  I went in there 2 weeks ago to get some clothes out for him and got distracted by looking through Chandler's clothes.  I could see him as I looked at some of the clothes, especially the ones that he wore more than others.  I would hold something of his close to me wishing so badly that I was holding onto him.  So, I decided to grab one of his t-shirts and wear it.  I wore that t-shirt to church that night.  Something was said about it and I told them it was Chandler's and then some of the youth recognized it.  I was glad I wore it.  It was somewhat comforting just to have something of his so close to me. 

So, 10 months later, we still hurt.  We still feel the loss every day. There are so many things that trigger the emotions.  Caleb is playing soccer this year for the first time.  The field they play on is directly in front of the hospital that Chandler was in.  So, as I'm sitting there watching Caleb play, my eyes are on the hospital building, where we stood beside Chandler, holding him and praying for him.  Then, there is a building to the right where the life flight helicopters are.  The helicopter that Chandler was brought in on.  The other night, we heard the engine running but it never took off.  At the entrance of the parking lot, there is a Life Net sign.  These are the people that we donated Chandler's organs through.  Apparently, their office is in the building we park behind.  So, at Caleb's first game the other night, I was quite overwhelmed with all this being right there.  I mean when I drive down the highway that takes you past the hospital, I won't even look over that way.  I just get this sick feeling come over me.  Now, I'm having to stare right at it as I watch a soccer game.  But, I'm thankful that while Caleb is playing, I can focus on him and it distracts me from the stuff around me for a while.  I love watching Caleb play.  He's passionate and very energetic and it's exciting to watch him.  I am a very proud mama.  I have been blessed with wonderful children!

I love you Chandler!  I always will!!  Forever, Your Mama

Chandler's laugh

This weekend, Corben and Carlie ran across a voice recorder that belongs to their dad.  All of the kids used to play with it a lot.  They would record things and listen to it.  They put new batteries in it this weekend and started playing around with it.  When I saw that they had it, I asked them if they had heard any old stuff on it.  I knew it was possible that there was stuff on it from Chandler.  They said there was nothing else on it.  So, they played with it all day yesterday and never heard anything on it except what they had been recording and playing back.  This morning, we were getting ready for our co-op group when they were listening to something on it.  One of them brought it to me and asked "who is this?"  It was Chandler!  He was talking and then I heard his laugh!  The laugh got to me!  I miss his laughter so much! It was so sweet to hear yet it was heartbreaking.  If I heard his laughter among a million others, I would be able to pick it out.  So, when I heard that laugh this morning, I just cried.  I was so happy to be able to hear it.  Then, tonight, Carlie was listening to stuff on the recorder again.  I walked by her and heard something and it sounded familiar.  I took it from her and put it up to my ear.  It was Chandler's voice.  Apparently he had written a story one time and he read the entire story on the recorder.  The story is funny and it's definitely an original writing by Chandler.  It's pretty long so I just sat for a while listening to his voice and his laughter.  It was wonderful.  What a treasure to have!

Chandler,

I am so thankful for your humor.  I'm so glad that you loved to laugh so much.  Your laughter puts a smile on my face.  Your laughter is contagious.  I'm glad you liked to write funny stories.  I'm so glad that you sat in your room one day and read aloud one of your stories while playing around on the voice recorder.  I don't know why you did it and I don't know why it never got deleted all of those other times y'all played on that recorder.  I do know that I am so thankful to have it now.  I'm thankful that today I was able to hear your voice and your amazing laughter!  Of course, I wish so badly that you were here with us and I could hear you in person.  But, I'm truly thankful for this gift today.  I will cherish it forever.  We all miss you so much!  Our hearts still hurt and I know they always will.  You are a part of us and we feel so broken without you.  You were and always will be a wonderful son and the best big brother!

I love you so much,
Always your Mom

9 Months

Yesterday was the 9 month anniversary of Chandler living in heaven.  Also, for 9 months I carried Chandler in my womb before he was born.  I can remember those 9 months being so exciting.  I could feel him moving inside of me.  I had already lost a baby before I became pregnant with Chandler.  So, when my pregnancy seemed to be going well with Chandler, I became even more excited.  I was actually going to give birth for the first time.  Those 9 months were so sweet!  But, these last 9 months have been just the opposite - bitter!  My first born isn't here with us anymore.  I'm having to learn to live without one of my children here and it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do!  I notice his absence in everything that we do.  I miss him terribly!!  Recently, I've been getting our curriculum and school supplies to get ready for our new school year.  This year, I can't purchase Chandler's curriculum.  I can't purchase his school supplies.  Chandler should be starting his junior year in high school.  He would be 16 1/2 right now, driving his car, hanging out with his friends, etc.  If he were still here, I have no doubt that he would still be drawing and he would be directing and producing his movies and using his favorite actor, Corben.     

Once again, God got me through another anniversary date.  Every day is still difficult but the anniversaries take me back to the weekend of the accident.  My mind goes back and I see things that are hard to see.  Seeing those images of Chandler aren't pleasant.  To see him lying there in that hospital bed, hooked up to tubes with his body broken is a painful thing.  And that's what happens to me on the anniversaries.  I guess, eventually, those images will fade a little and that won't happen.  But, for now, it still does.  I wasn't sure how I would manage to get through church yesterday.  But, I went.  Of course, on the way to church, Chad had a CD playing in the car and it was Newsboys.  It was the CD that I had bought for Chandler the day before his accident.  As the CD played, it got to one of the songs that was played at his funeral, No Grave.  So, when I heard it start playing, the tears started.  The song is a great song.  The words are perfect but it's a hard one to listen to. 

After church, we went out to lunch with friends.  So, it was helpful in distracting me a little.  After lunch, we went home for a while until Chad had to be back at church.  I needed to get the kids school supplies so I dropped Chad and the kids off at church and I went shopping.  My friends had already texted me and said that they were having dinner out and invited me along.  Well, I couldn't join them because I really needed to get my shopping done.  I was able to get it done pretty quickly and had time left over before I had to go pick Chad and the kids up.  So, I called my friends and they were still out.  They met me at Starbucks and we were able to have a little time together.  Another distraction for me.  These friends have been so good to me and so helpful during this time.  I love you girls! 

We also received a gift and card from a very special family yesterday.  They were just letting us know they were still praying for us and that they miss Chandler too.  We love you guys!

Now, I want to share my devotion from yesterday. I think the timing was perfect.  It was a reminder of being in God's will.  Of course, being in God's will for me right now is painful.  I'm not happy with God's will for our family right now.  I can't see what we're going through as the "best" for our family.  All is can do is hope that in the end, when I reach heaven, all of this pain was worth it. 



You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above. (John 19:11)

     Nothing that is not part of God's will is allowed to come into the life of someone who trusts and obeys Him.  This truth should be enough to make our life one of ceaseless thanksgiving and joy, because God's will is the most hopeful, pleasant, and glorious thing in the world.  It is the continuous working of His omnipotent power for our benefit, with nothing to prevent it, if we remain surrendered and believing.
     Someone who was passing through deep water of affliction wrote a friend: 
     Isn't it glorious to know that no matter how unjust something may be, even when it seems to have come from Satan himself, by the time it reaches us it is God's will for us and will ultimately work to our good?

     "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him" (Rom. 8:28).  Think of what Christ said even as He was betrayed: "Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?" (John 18:11).
     We live fascinating lives if we are living in the center of God's will.  All the attacks that Satan hurls at us through the sins of others are not only powerless to harm us but are transformed into blessings along the way. Hannah Whitall Smith

In the center of the circle
   Of the will of God I stand:
There can come no second causes,
   All must come from His dear hand.
All is well!  for it's my Father
   Who my life has planned.

Shall I pass through waves of sorrow?
   Then I know it will be best;
Though I cannot tell the reason,
   I can trust, and so am blest.
God is Love, and God is faithful.
   So in perfect Peace I rest.

With the shade and with the sunshine,
   With the joy and with the pain,
Lord, I trust You!  both are needed,
   Each Your wayward child to train,
Earthly loss, if we will know it,
   Often means our heavenly gain.         I. G. W.

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no foo, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. (Habakkuk 3:17-18)

     I ask you to observe what a disastrous situation is being described in this passage and to notice how courageous is the faith that is expressed.  It is as if the writer were actually saying, "Even if I am forced to undergo the extreme condition of not knowing where to find my next meal, and although my house is empty and my fields yield no crops and I see the evidence of divine pestilence where I once saw the fruits of God's plentiful provision, 'yet I will rejoice in the Lord.'"
     I believe that these words are worthy of being written forever in stone with a diamond tool.  Oh, by God's grace, may they be deeply etched on the tablets of each of our hearts!  Although the above verse is very concise, it nevertheless implies or expresses the following thoughts of the writer:  that in his time of distress he would flee to God; that he would maintain his spiritual composure under the darkest of circumstances; and that in the midst of everything, he would delight himself with a sacred joy in God and have cheerful expectations of Him.
     Heroic confidence!  Glorious faith!  Unconquerable love!  Philip Doddridge

Last night I heard a robin singing in the rain,
And the raindrop's patter made a sweet refrain,
Making all the sweeter the music of the strain.

So, I though, when trouble comes, as trouble will,
Why should I stop singing?  Just beyond the hill
It may be that sunshine floods the green world still.

He who faces the trouble with a heart of cheer
Makes the burden lighter.  If there falls a tear,
Sweeter is the cadence in the song we hear.

I have learned your lesson, bird with spotted wing,
Listening to your music with its tune of spring--
When the storm cloud darkens, it's the TIME to sing.  Eben Eugene Rexford


For me, it's hard to rejoice in the Lord in my times of struggle.  I see all that's happening in "my world" and I tend to become sad, down, depressed, etc.  I'm certainly not joyful.  I'm not sure how to be joyful in midst of the trials.  This is something else I need to work on and pray about.