Happy Birthday, Chandler

 We've celebrated another birthday without Chandler here with us.  I don't have a ton to write about here but there is a specific thing that happened that I just really want to remember.  

Overall, it's been an okay day.  I made sure to workout as soon as I could this morning because it's therapy for me and I knew that it was the best thing I could do for myself. Soon after, Chad and I went to the grave and just spent some time there for a while.  It was cool here today and it's always a lot colder at the cemetary because it tends to be breezy there.  We got there and the sky was blue and the sun was beaming.  It was perfect.  

As we drove home, one of Carrie Underwood's songs came on, 'Something in the Water'.  I was listening to the words and a few stuck out to me.  The song refers to being saved and baptised.  A few of the lyrics say, "And now I'm changed, And now I'm stronger, There must've been something' in the water, Oh, there must've been somethin' in the water". 

I thought about those words all the way home and thought how true they are.  People often tell me, "you're so strong".  No, I'm not.  It's only because of my faith and God holding onto me and getting me through each day that I even have the strength to get up each day.  That's the reason I may seem strong to some.  So, there was something in the water.  It changed me.  It's God in me that gives me the strength I need.  There are so many verses to confirm that: "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." Isaiah 40:29.  That is just one verse.  There are many more.  

I made the brownies that Chandler loved and then we went to Mexican tonight for dinner.  It was just 4 of us though.  It's the first year that Corben hasn't been with us for Chandler's birthday.  He left Monday and drove to Georgia to visit a friend.  I definitely missed him being here with us.  

So, the thing I really wanted to remember from today is this:  Carlie was heading out to school this morning and asked me if she could go to the cemetery after school.  I told her that I was planning to go today as well and asked if she wanted me to wait for her.  She said "no, I want to go by myself".  She has never gone alone.  When she said that, it just pulled at my heartstrings.  It was so bittersweet.  First of all, I loved that she wanted to go.  Carlie was only 5 when Chandler went to heaven.  So, the fact that she wanted to go have alone time at his grave just touched my heart.  Then I felt the sad feelings because it breaks my heart that she even has to go visit her oldest brother's grave and that her time with him was so short.  

Well, she got home this afternoon and I asked her "how did it go?"  She said, "good".  Then, I asked "did you have a good talk?"  She said "well, I did most of the talking".  And, that made me laugh.  I thought to myself that Chandler would have loved that response.  I'm sure that's a weird thing to stand out to me on this day.  But, Chandler loved humor and he loved to laugh.  And, that made me laugh.  Laughter is the best medicine.  

Happy Birthday, Chandler!  We love and miss you!

9 Years

9 years ago today, we received words from doctors that no parent wants to hear.  9 years ago!  It is shocking to me that it's been that long.  These anniversary days come up every year.  I know they're coming.  You would think that it would get better with each year.  You would think by now that I'd know what to do.  I should be able to get through it just like every other day.  But, it's just not possible.  I see the date on the calendar and all I can think about are those days in 2010.  It's so hard not to relive the days.

I went to the cemetery today to spend some time.  It's been cold here and no matter now cold it is, it always seems to be colder at the cemetery.  You can usually expect a breeze there too.  So, I expected to be cold but I also didn't care.  Being cold is nothing compared to what I'm actually dealing with these days.  I waited until about noon to go because I was trying to give it a little time to warm up.  I actually even heated up my rice back and wrapped it in a warm towel to take with me.  I thought I'd just go prepared and do what I could to make me comfortable enough to hang out a while.  

When I got there and sat down, I started to change out the flowers.  After a few minutes there, I realized that it wasn't cold.  There was no breeze. I would have even been fine without the rice bag but I used it anyway.  I actually felt like God calmed the weather a little bit for me.  After the flowers were changed, I did some thinking as well as talking.  I always talk to God and Chandler.  I know Chandler isn't there but it just helps.  Then, I thought about one of the songs that we played at Chandler's funeral.  I've written about the funeral and the music in previous blog posts.  Some of the songs were actually picked out by Chandler himself.  Of course, he had no idea it was happening at the time.  But, that's certainly how it worked out.  It was a God thing, for sure.  So, I pulled the song up on my phone and played it right there.  It's a Newsboys song called No Grave.  The words are perfect and I needed to hear them.  Especially the following lyrics:

It's alright mama, now don't be sad

It's alright, don't cry for me

They can lock my flesh and bones up until

kingdom come

But my spirit will be free

When I first heard those lyrics years ago, it was like they were straight from Chandler.  I had never heard the song.  He had heard the song and requested the CD that had this song on it.  It was to be a Christmas gift for him.  I had already purchased it before his accident.  Then, I opened it up to listen to it when we were planning his funeral.  So, this song and others on that CD are very special. And, just like the first time I heard the song, I felt like the words were coming straight from Chandler. 

I'll be honest and say that 9 years later, I still ask the question "why".  Why did this have to happen?  Why didn't God allow Chandler to survive?  I doubt that I'll have the answers while I'm here on earth and when I get to heaven, it really won't matter.  So, when I left the cemetery today and started driving, I had the radio on.  A song started to play that I haven't heard in a while.  It's called Thy Will Be Done.  God's will is going to be done no matter what.  He has a plan and He knows what's best.  In the end, it will all make sense.  I have to trust that.  I just have to trust that he'll continue to help me get through each day.  He does love me.  He knows the hurt I feel.  He knows my heart is broken.  But, He also said "Blessed are those who mourn: for they shall be comforted" Matthew 5:4.  Over these last 9 years, He has done just that.  I have to trust and believe that He'll still be there for me until He brings us all Home.  

I've had many people message me or post and let me know that they're thinking of us and praying for us.  We've had phone calls as well.  The support and love that we still receive this many years later is appreciated and means more to us than you could ever know.  

For years we've had to get through these days with Caleb being so far away.  But, we always talk to him at some point during these days and he has always been so good about checking in on me at some point.  Tonight, he actually sent me some pictures.  He knows how much I love to get pics and I don't get them often so when I do, I'm extra happy.  He definitely put a smile on my face.  

Special Time

It's been a while since I've written here.  But, today ended up being pretty special and I just don't want to forget it. 

I went to the cemetery this morning.  I went alone because it's what I wanted.  When I got there, I sat down, removed the flowers that were there and just started cleaning up the stone and the area around it.  I placed the new flowers that I had made and just sat and spent some time there. 

I started talking.  Within about a minute's time, I heard something and saw something quickly go by me.  I saw it.  Then, it came right back by me.  It was a dragonfly.  I lost it.  I haven't seen a dragonfly at the cemetery in a while now.  So, when I saw this one today, I just wept.  The timing was too perfect.  I felt like God was there.  He made it very clear.  It's like He was there to comfort me and it's like He also was letting me know that Chandler even knew I was there. 

It began to heat up very quickly outside.  It was in the 90's today.  I began to sweat but I didn't care.  I just wanted to sit there.  30 minutes went by quickly and it was hard to get myself to leave.  The feeling I had from God showing up was just too good and I hated for it to end.  Now, I know that God is with us everywhere.  But, I don't always feel like God is around.  I'm sure it's all my fault.  I'm sure it can be due to me not seeking Him the way I should or spending time in prayer, etc.  So, when God decides to show up and make it so clear that I can not doubt it then you better believe I'm going to soak it all in. 

Before I left, I had something else I had to do.  If the flowers that I replace are still in pretty good shape then I always like to share them with someone else and place them on another grave.  I looked around and it seemed like every vase around Chandler's area had flowers.  I looked as far as I could see.  Some were very faded and obviously had been there a while but I try to put flowers in an empty vase first.  I kept looking and I finally found one.  It was on the first row near the street.  I took the flowers and walked over.  It was a large stone with a husband and wife's name.  The wife had passed away.  I read the husband's name.  He was still living.  Under his name it said "Corp US Marines".  I couldn't believe it.  Of all the empty vases, this was the only one around and the husband was a Marine.  So, I placed the flowers in the vase for another Marine family.  To most, this may not be a big deal.  But, to me, it meant a lot! 

So, I walked back to Chandler's grave, gathered all of my stuff and got ready to leave.  My day had started better than I could have imagined.  The time spent taking care of Chandler's memorial spot was perfect and very special. 

Thank you, Lord, for showing up when you know I need it most.  I should always trust that you're there anyway.  You probably get tired of my doubts.  But, you continue to be there for me, to love me and comfort me on this journey I'm on.  You make your presence known and you make it so clear to me so that I don't doubt it. 

Thanksgiving 2018

So, this blog is going to be a little different as far as the subject goes.  But, I've had many thoughts during these days and I've learned a little so I just want to write and be able to remind myself of it. 

As this Thanksgiving approached, I was feeling very stressed and overwhelmed.  I've never really hosted Thanksgiving before and I've never been the one to do most all of the cooking.  The closer the day got, the more overwhelmed I became.  On top of that, I started to come down with a cough and it was affecting my sleep and eventually started to affect my voice.  That was helping with my stress either.  Chad was telling me "You've got to relax".  I was scheduled to work on Wednesday before Thanksgiving but ended up telling them that I wouldn't be able to make it.  It's hard to teach preschoolers if you're constantly talking and your voice is getting worse. 

So, I just planned to spend Wednesday doing meal prep and waiting on Alex and the grand kids to arrive.  I'm still overwhelmed and stressed out during this time though.  How can I get all of this done?  Will the food turn out okay?  Will the foods be ready at the same time? Can I do this?  Why am I hosting Thanksgiving?  I was really just wanting the holiday to come and go as quickly as possible.  Then, it would just be over and I could breathe.

I was working in the kitchen and at about 10:00, I heard a car.  No big deal.  Cars go down this road all the time.  Well, then, I heard a few doors shut.  So, I thought - Alex must be here.  I walked to the door to see.  As I did, I could see kids walking from a car and I saw a man with short hair.  I didn't even see his face.  I knew who it was.  I immediately got that door opened and there he stood - Caleb!  I yelled "Caleb!" I grabbed him so tight and cried.  He said "I love you".  Best words ever to a Mama!  I eventually let go and acknowledged every one else.  I told them "I love y'all too but I haven't seen him in forever".  It's been 18 months!

He came in and I just kept staring at him and he told me the story about getting here.  He had worked it out to show up here at the same time Alex did.  So, she knew he was coming and it's also the reason I ended up with the job of hosting Thanksgiving.  They worked it out for it be that way.

Corben had stayed home from school and was still sleeping so Caleb went to wake him up.  Needless to say, he was confused and a bit surprised.  We checked Carlie out of school and surprised her.  Then, we drove out to surprise Chad.  He was actually on a lunch break so we met him there. 

Needless to say, during this time of visiting with Caleb and surprising everybody, I was not getting my Thanksgiving meal prep done.  And, do you know what?  I didn't care!  My stress level was gone.  I didn't care if any of the foods weren't ready for the next day.  The family was together and that is all that mattered.  My son was home after a year and a half  of being so far away.  It was even a blessing that I was sick and didn't work.  If I hadn't been home, I probably wouldn't have seen Caleb as early in the day as I did.  I believe I've also been able to enjoy having everyone here more than I would have.  I wasn't overwhelmed anymore.  So, I was able to just enjoy the time with everybody.  I wasn't consumed with thoughts of the food.  And, do you know what?  All of the food got prepped.  All of it got cooked and all of it was delicious.  We even ate earlier than we had planned to. 

God definitely blessed.  And, he taught me.  He said "See, Amie.  Just relax.  I had plans all along to give you the best Thanksgiving that you've had in a while.  You were freaking out over nothing."

So, maybe next time I'm feeling so overwhelmed and stressed about something, I should relax a little.  Maybe it's not all that bad.  Maybe there's a plan here.  God's up to something. 

24th Birthday

Another year has come and gone.  Today was Chandler's 24th birthday.  I think back to 24 years ago and it was the happiest day of my life.  I can remember my first born laying on my chest.  He had a head full of hair and he was beautiful. 

Chandler's birthdays are so different these days.  One part of me remembers the day he was born and how happy I was.  I think of the birthdays that we shared with Chandler here with us.  And, then, the other part of me is sad.  It's sad because now we have to celebrate without Chandler.  I also wonder what would he be doing if he were here.  And, I miss him.  Oh my goodness!  I miss him so much it hurts!

I had to work the early part of the day so I think that was a blessing.  I was busy and didn't really have time to think too much about anything else.  While I was getting ready for work this morning, I did decide to listen to Supertramp.  Chandler loved listening to their music.  For the longest time after Chandler went to heaven, I couldn't listen to their music.  But, today, I turned it on and enjoyed the music and thought about Chandler the whole time I got ready. 

After work, I went to purchase a balloon to take to the the grave.  I debated on going out to the grave at all because it was a rainy day.  But, then, I thought "so what".  I was not going to let a little water stop me from doing what I felt like I needed to do.  As I was driving to the cemetery, a song came on that immediately caught my attention.  It's a Kenny Chesney song and he is one of my favorites.  Of course, I'm ashamed to say that I had not heard this song before today but the timing was perfect. I listened to the words and I just started crying.  I cried until that song was over.  I'm sure that so many people can relate to this song but this song definitely spoke to me today.  If you haven't heard it, go check it out.  It's called Better Boat. It talks about just "breathing in and breathing out" and riding the "waves I can't control"  all while you're just "learning to build a better boat".  It was perfect.  Even the part about friends being there to talk to, to share about what's not working and what's still hurting.  I heard this song and it just made sense to me.  It really hit home.   

Better Boat - Kenny Chesney

I ain't lonely, but I spend a lot of time alone
More than I'd like to, but I'm okay with staying home
By how the last few months have changed
I smile of mourn despite the pain

I breathe in, I breathe out
Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain't working, what's still hurtin'
All the things I feel like cussing out
Now and then I let it go
Around the waves I can't control
I'm learning how to build a better boat

I hate waiting, ain't no patience in these hands
I'm not complaining, sometimes it's hard to change a man
I think I'm stronger than I was, I let God do what he does

I breathe in, I breathe out
Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain't working, what's still hurtin'
All the things I feel like cussing out
Now and then I let it go
Around the waves I can't control
I'm learning how to build a better boat

I breathe in, I breathe out
Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain't working, what's still hurtin'
All the things I feel like cussing out
Now and then I let it go
Around the waves I can't control
If it's working I don't know
When I get done the thing may not flow
But I'm learning how to build a better boat

So, I arrived at the cemetery.  I got out, added the birthday balloon to Chan's flowers and I stood there under the umbrella, thinking.  Then, I just started talking and crying.  You know, being at Chandler's grave is heartbreaking.  It's still hard to believe that I'm visiting my son's grave.  It's one of the hardest things I do yet I feel like it's where I need to be.  If I hadn't gone today, I would have felt guilty.  I would have felt like a horrible mom.  It hurts to be there but it also hurts to not be there.  It doesn't make sense at all.  I know Chandler isn't there but I stood there and talked and cried for a while.  

When I got home, I made Chandler's favorite brownies.  He liked brownies sprinkled with powdered sugar.  I always make something for his birthday that he loved.  The brownies are usually what I make.  It just feels right to do something on his birthday.  

Chad and I rode out this evening to our favorite Mexican place here.  We sat and talked and cried.  Then, when we got home, we got the kids together and watched some of Chandler's movies.  As I was watching the movies with tears rolling down my face, I couldn't help but think how thankful I am that Chandler loved to make movies.  Because of that, we have some amazing videos to look at.  He left us an amazing gift.  

So, as Chandler's birthday ends, I sit here feeling thankful.  I'm thankful that I was chosen to be his mom.  I am so blessed to be his mom.  I am thankful for the memories that we have.  Even now, Chandler can make us laugh.  He had such a great sense of humor.  I'm thankful for the family and friends that have thought of us today and prayed for us.  It means a lot to still have the support 8 years later.  I'm thankful for the strength that God gives me to get through each day.  I'm thankful for the comfort that God gives us each day.  As hard as this journey is, I can not imagine going through this without the faith that we have.  And, my faith isn't always perfect.  God has heard me fuss, complain and ask why on many occasions.  But, he lets me fuss, he listens and he still loves me.  

Happy Birthday, Chandler!  I love you, always and forever!  Infinity!

God Showed Up

Carlie and I went to the grave today to remove Chandler's birthday balloon and add some Christmas ornaments to his flowers.  When we arrived, I noticed something that was attached to his flowers.  I hadn't even gotten out of the car yet when I saw it.  We walked over and noticed that there was a note folded up and placed inside a baggie.  It was hanging from the arrangement.  We took it out and briefly looked at it but we didn't read it.  I sat down and started working on the flowers and making the changes.  After I finished, I told Carlie I was going to read the note out loud for us and for Chandler.  It was a 2 page letter addressed to Chandler.  Through tears and quivering lips, I read the letter.  It was written by a dear friend of ours and it touched my heart. 

Let me pause here and say that the temperature outside today was pretty comfortable.  It was cool but not cold.  It was cloudy though.  The sun wasn't out. 

Okay, so back to our day.  At the end of the letter - and I mean, it was the end.  I read the last words of that letter and all of a sudden I felt heat on me.  All of a sudden, Carlie said "the sun just came out".  She wasn't saying it as if to just say that the sun is out and that's nice.  She was referring to the fact that we sat there at the grave with clouds above us and as I finished that letter, God cleared a spot and the sun was shining right on us.  I was amazed that she caught on to that so quickly.  We sat there looking at each other in awe and just smiling.  She even took a picture of me at that time and I didn't even realize it until I got home and looked through the pictures.  God showed up today.  It was a special time that Carlie and I experienced together and I will never forget it. 

I am so thankful that 7 years after Chandler's passing, God is still comforting us.  He shows up and surprises us like he did today and he helps us to continue on.  God is good.

Praise him for his mighty deeds; praise him according to his excellent greatness! Psalms 150:2

November 2017

November.  It's the month I usually dread.  It's the month that brings a lot of emotions.  It's not because things are easy the rest of the year.  It's just that I'm slapped in the face with the dates that changed our lives forever.  I can go back there as if it happened today.  I can do that any other day of the year as well and that does happen.  But, when I see the dates Nov. 13 & 14th, it's hard not to let my mind be consumed with what happened.

In addition to these dates, Chandler's birthday is just 4 days before.  So, on Nov. 9, we celebrate his birthday but it's done without him.  We still try to make the day all about Chandler.  This was his 23rd birthday.  We looked at pictures, watched some videos and had waffles and chocolate milk for dinner, which is a snack that Chandler often had at night time.

For yesterday and today, I did things a little differently.  I usually share everything I'm going through during these days on social media.  I didn't do that this year.  Other than sharing some scripture, I stayed to myself.  I felt like it was what I needed to do.  Once again, I survived the days.  I have to say that approaching these dates weren't as dreadful as they have been.  I knew they were coming but it didn't consume me.  I've been spending a lot of time lately just reading scripture.  I know that it has helped.  I also know that God has done a lot of work in me over the years to get me to this place.  Does it mean I'm ok now?  No!  I'll never be okay with the loss of Chandler.  Does it mean the grief is gone?  No!  I'll grieve for him until the day I go to heaven.  It does mean that I've finally realized that God does care for us.  He loves our family.  He has comforted me over the years even when I didn't feel like He was there.  He didn't call Chandler home to heaven to punish us.  I don't know why Chandler's days were short.  I don't know why he only made it to 16 years old.  I won't know that while I'm here on earth.  I do know that God loves Chandler. He knew before Chandler was born that he would be with us until he was 16.  When November, 2010 came, it didn't take God by surprise.  He welcomed Chandler with open arms.  We are the ones that were shocked!  And, it's so hard now because we miss him so much and each year that goes by makes it that much longer since we've touched him, talked to him, heard him mixing his chocolate milk in the kitchen, etc.  But, we could also look at it differently and say it's a year closer to when we will see him again. 

Yesterday was an okay day.  I tried to stay busy in order to keep my mind from reliving everything.  Then, we had friends who invited us out to dinner last night.  These friends have been so loving and supportive of us since day one.  They've been with us through it all.  The fact that they were willing to spend some of our day with us just makes me love them even more.  Also, with them, we are able to talk about Chandler.  And, that's what I love to do. 

When I woke up this morning, I had my quiet time.  I read and cried.  Then, I tried to go through the day as I normally would.  Around 10:30 this morning, someone knocked on our door.  I wondered who it could be.  No one comes to my door unless it's the mail man or something.  So, I answered the door.  A man stood there with flowers.  I brought them in the house and as soon as I read who it was addressed to, I lost it.  It said "Mom and Dad Coleman".  There was only one person it could be.  I opened the card and yes, it was from Caleb.  He shared a Bible verse with us.  It comes from Psalm 29:11 and says: The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.  Of all of the scriptures I've read over the past week, I had not read that one.  It was perfect and the fact that Caleb shared it with us meant everything.  So, I shared the verse later on FB.  Oh, and the flowers are beautiful and so special.  It touches my heart that Caleb thinks of us.  I mean, this has affected all of us.  He was there the day the accident happened.  Yet, he still tries to comfort us on these days.  He amazes me in many ways.  I am one blessed and proud mama. 

As these particular days come to an end, I am thankful. 

I am thankful for:

*family and friends who continue to pray for us and be there for us
*16 wonderful years that we had Chandler with us and the many memories
*all of my kids
*God's love, comfort and peace in knowing that we will spend eternity in heaven

Happy Birthday Chandler

Today, we celebrated another birthday without Chandler.  He would be 22 today.  Wow!  The time has flown by.  It really doesn't seem like that many years ago.  I remember the day as if it just happened. 

This morning, I made one of the desserts that Chandler always liked.  It's very simple and I've talked about it before, here on the blog.  It's just brownies with powdered sugar on top.  But, anytime we make them, it brings back memories of Chandler.  We see those brownies and we see Chandler. 

On our birthdays, we try to have a birthday meal and let the one who has the birthday choose where they want to go.  Chandler would have wanted Mexican food.  So, we went to have Mexican food for lunch today.  We ordered chicken fajitas, which is what Chandler usually ordered.  We even asked if we could sit at the large corner booth even though it was just the 4 of us.  When all 6 of us were together, we always sit at the big corner booth at the Mexican restaurant we ate at when we were in Virginia.  So, sitting in a similar booth just brought back more memories.  I could imagine Chandler, Caleb, Corben and Carlie all sitting there today. 

We were also able to talk to Caleb today.  He called.  It's always good to hear his voice.  He was planning to go eat Mexican tonight for dinner. 

I wanted to do something different today.  We don't usually put our Christmas stuff up this early but I wanted to do something to make a new memory on Chandler's day  So, I thought, let's just put a Christmas tree up.  Here's our dilemma.  We are living in an apartment right now and there isn't any extra floor space anywhere.  So, I started searching for things to do.  We decided to have a space saver wall Christmas tree this year.  So, that's what we made.  We spent the afternoon making our tree and then decorating it with our ornaments.  I really think that Chandler would like this tree. 

This evening, we sat and watched some of the movies that Chandler made.  We always enjoy watching them and remembering the times when Chandler was working on them.  He had so much fun producing, editing and directing his movies.  Corben and Carlie were usually his actors and they have some great memories of those days with Chandler.  I laughed and cried watching those movies.  I always do. Chandler had a great sense of humor so he usually made sure that something was funny in his movies.  Sometimes you won't see him in the movies, but in the end he would have bloopers and you can hear his voice and laughter.  Now, that's what makes me cry every time.  I miss his voice.  I miss his laughter. 

I also had a friend visit Chandler's grave today.  She added a "birthday" touch to his flowers.  It means so much to me to have such an amazing friend take time to go visit Chandler's memorial site.  I can't be there right now so knowing that she is there really makes me feel better. 

Earlier this week, I was talking with someone about these upcoming days; Chandler's birthday and the anniversary of when he went to Heaven.  She didn't know much about him so we talked about him.  I shared a lot about him.  During that conversation, I realized I need to be more like Chandler in a lot of ways.  Chandler was happy.  He loved to laugh.  He took things that weren't always great and he made them fun anyway.  For example, he was given the job of digging a ditch in our back yard years ago, for drainage.  It wasn't an easy job.  It was hard work.  He set the video camera up and videoed himself digging that ditch.  Then, he edited it, added music to it and sped it up.  It is one of our favorite videos of him.  He is in the whole video.  So, we get to sit and watch him digging the ditch and having fun while doing it.  I remember another time that he was mopping the kitchen.  He picked the mop up and propped it on his shoulder, doing something goofy and having some fun.  I don't remember what he did but I do know that I took a picture of it.  I can see him in that kitchen right now.  Those are just a few examples of things he did.  He made the best out of everything.  So, while I was sharing these things with this person the other day, I remembered a quote of Chandler's. A friend of his shared this with me sometime after Chandler passed away.  It was something he told her one time.  I have it saved in my phone.  So, I read it to the person I was talking to.  Chandler addressed his friend and said, "Life is awesome.  Even when it's not awesome, it's awesome."  That quote hit me the other day in a way that it never has.  It defines who Chandler was.  If something wasn't going so well, he still saw good in things.  He chose to be happy and content in all things.  He chose laughter.  He didn't let bad days or negative things get the best of him.  I can't say that I do that.  I can drop something in the kitchen and then be in an irritable mood for a while.  What is that doing for me?  It's not doing anything good, that's for sure.  So, as I sat there talking and really thinking about Chandler and how he was and the wisdom in his quote, I just wept.  I realized that I want to be more like Chandler.  I want to choose happiness.  I want to see good in things.  I believe he would want that from us.  Chandler taught me something this week and I'm thankful for it. It was as if he was in that room the other day saying "Mom, wake up!  Life is still awesome, even when you think it's not."  I won't be perfect at trying to do this.  But, I'm going to try and see more positive in things. 

Happy Birthday, Chandler!  I love you and miss you so much!  Infinity!

                                                                                                                                                                                   

5 Years

On today's date 5 years ago, Chandler went to Heaven.  I have a hard time comprehending that it has been 5 years.  Sometimes, it does feel like that many years.  Then, at other times, it feels like it just happened.  The past 5 years have been difficult and very emotional.  I've gotten through it one day at a time.  Some days are okay and some days are hard.  As usual, I have seen God work in our lives this week.  He always shows up at the right time.  Yesterday (the anniversary of the day of the accident), we started our day by taking the kids to school.  Afterward, Chad and I had breakfast together.  He had plans after that, so he left and I was home alone.  I kept myself busy.  We were expecting friends over last night so that meant I had work to do.  That was good because as I kept myself busy, I could keep myself distracted.  I was doing well.  I had music going and was baking some cookies.  I felt good.  Then, all of a sudden, I lost it.  I stood right in the kitchen and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I laid my head down on the kitchen counter and wept, loudly.  It lasted a while.  I cried as I talked to God.  Over and over, I just said "I hate this!".  5 years later, I do still hate this.  I don't like the journey we're on but there is nothing I can do about it.  I realize that Chandler is in the best of hands.  He is so much better off than we are, especially these days.  But, as a  mama, it's hard to get your mind and heart to understand that.  After my time of crying, I was okay.  I got through the rest of day.


At some point in the afternoon, someone rang our door bell.  Chad answered and it was a flower delivery.  We opened the card.  The school that Corben and Carlie go to sent us flowers and a dragonfly night light.  Needless to say, this brought tears to my eyes.  These people don't know us that well.  They don't know Chandler because we moved here after the fact.  But, they decided to pray for us and love on us anyway. 

Our friends came over last night.  We enjoyed a meal together and just hanging out together and talking.  One of the couples brought us a canvas picture.  It says "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.  Hebrews 6:19".  This is so true.  The hope that we have is what gets us through the days.  Without it, I definitely couldn't do this.  I love the gift and I'm so thankful for this couples friendship.  They are a blessing and we love their family. 

The other couple that came over are also very dear.  I was also given a gift by this friend this week.  I don't believe it was specifically bought for me this week but it worked out that this week is when I was able to get it.  It was perfect timing.  God's timing.  It's a beautiful blanket.  It's the softest blanket I've ever felt and I love it.  She wrote me a very sweet note with it and explained why she bought the blanket.  It was bought with love.  It's a soft, comforting blanket and I love it.  Now, if I can just keep my family from trying to take it over. 

God has gotten us through this week.  He has been my comforter.  He has also used many friends and family to help us get through this week.  The prayers, thoughts and words of encouragement mean so much to us.  It amazes me that I still have so much support.  I am truly blessed with so many wonderful people in my life. 

So, what have I learned over the past 5 years?  I've learned quite a few things:

*Grief sucks!  I'm sorry if some don't like to hear me say that, but it's true.  Grief is painful.  It's emotional.  It's tiring.  It is not fun.

*Grief can hit you when you least expect it.  You can be doing good for a while.  Then, all of a sudden, you can just lose it when you're driving down the road, baking cookies, taking a shower, watching TV, etc.  It can come out of nowhere.

*When that grief hits, you have to just let it run it's course.  You have to cry, talk to God, fuss, vent, do whatever is necessary to get through those moments.

*I've learned that you need your friends and family.  Just knowing that they have your back and are praying for you and supporting you is a huge help to get through the days.

*After losing a child, you are a changed person.  It changes you in a lot of ways.  When you lose a child, a part of you dies with them.

*You will cherish everything you have that belongs to your child.  Do I worship Chandler's stuff?  NO!  But, I am thankful to have his drawings, movies, pictures, etc to look at.  I'm even thankful for the clothes of his that we have kept.  We kept some of his clothes that were his favorites and that he wore most of the time.  We kept the clothes that we can look at and they totally remind us of  Chandler.  Plus, Corben gets to use them as he grows into them.

*As I watch Chandler's friends grow up and see pictures of them, a part of me expects to see him in those pictures with them.  I wonder what would he be doing at 21?  Where would he have gone to school?  Would he have a girlfriend?  Where would he work?  There are so many things I wonder about and I always will.

*I want to protect my kids.  I don't want them to hurt in any way, whether it be physically or emotionally.  Because of what they've experienced, I just don't want them to go through anything else.  I know I can't prevent all of those things but it's how I feel. 

*My faith is the only reason I have made it to this 5 year mark.  The faith and hope I have is what gets my through each day.  God never ceases to amaze me.  He has been my comforter.  He always shows up right on time. 

So, that's a few things I have learned through this process.  I'm sure there are many more but maybe I will write about those at a different time. 

Chandler's 21st Birthday

Today is Chandler's 21st birthday.  I believe we celebrated it well.  This is always a hard day.  As a parent, you want to be so happy on your child's birthday.  It's their day.  But, when that child is no longer here to celebrate with you, it's hard.  But, we do our best.  Someone said to me today that they thought it was great that we worked so hard at still celebrating Chandler's birthday.  It would be hard for me to do nothing on this day.  This is his day.  He may not be with us but he is still and always will be a part of this family.  I couldn't go through this day and not do something for his birthday.  I have been blown away by all of the sweet comments, thoughts and prayers from so many people today.  It means so much to me and I appreciate it all more than I could ever express.  All of the support does help me to get through these days.

 I actually met a new friend for lunch today.  I usually don't plan things on days like this but there was no other day this week to get together.  When we sat down at lunch, my friend asked me about Chandler.  She hadn't heard about him yet and she was interested.  So, I sat there for about an hour talking about Chandler.  She didn't even know that today was his birthday.  To be able to sit there and just talk about Chandler was the best thing for me today.  I am truly thankful for my friend wanting to know about Chandler and my family. 

Just a few minutes after I got home from lunch today, my door bell rang.  I went to the door and saw a friend of mine with her little boy.  She was holding a cake and her son had a balloon.  She said, "this cake is from your sister".  I thought "what?  You don't even know my sister.  My sister doesn't know you".  So, she comes in to tell me that my sister contacted her and asked if she could pick a cake up and deliver it to me today.  Her little boy picked out a Mickey Mouse Happy Birthday balloon to go with Chandler's birthday cake.  I talked to my sister afterward and she informed me that she randomly picked out on of my local friends on Facebook. contacted her and asked her to make the cake delivery.  I have to say that my sister did good.  And, I 'm so thankful to my friend, Nathaly, for being willing to get the cake to me. 

Soon after Nathaly left today, I sat down to have a few minutes of chill time before I had to pick the kids up from school.  I was beginning to get emotional.  My eyes were filling with tears and my phone rang.  It was God's perfect timing again.  It was Caleb.  He called to say he was thinking about me.  We talked for a while.  It was so good to hear his voice and his call was right on time. 

I picked the kids up from school today.  They got in the car and one of them says, "so, did you cry all day?"  Ha!  They know me well. 

We had a delicious dinner tonight.  I made one of Chandler's favorites.  I cooked a roast in the crock pot with carrots.  Chandler's favorite part was the carrots.  He wanted lots of them.  I also made one of his favorite desserts.  He liked brownies with powdered sugar sprinkled on top.  In addition to this, we also had his birthday cake.  

I'm always amazed at how I get through these days.  As I go through them, I see how God works.  He knows when I'm hurting and He always finds a way to give me comfort.  I'm so thankful! 


Happy 21st birthday, Chandler!  I love you - infinity!

My Dream

I haven't written in a long time.  But, something happened last night that I want to record here and keep.  This morning has been an emotional one.  Once I got Corben and Carlie ready and out the door for school, I just sat down and lost it.  It's been a bittersweet cry.  Since Chandler went to heaven, I've wanted so badly to dream about him.  I just want to see his face and if I can get that in a dream, I'll take it.  Over the course of 4 1/2 years, that hasn't happened often.  I've only had about 3 and they haven't been pleasant.  They are usually disturbing and end up upsetting me and they don't usually bring me any comfort.  Sometime during the night last night, I was dreaming.  I don't know where we were and it doesn't matter.  I remember we were sitting at a table.  I had my head turned to the right talking to someone.  When I turned to my left, Chandler was sitting right next to me.  It was so clear.  He looked so good and so handsome.  I remember being so excited in the dream that I was hyperventilating.  I touched him.  I hugged him.  I kissed him.  He was so real in that moment and it was wonderful!  It was so sweet to have him right there next to me.  As I sit here writing this now, I can't help but weep.  I'm so happy to have seen him so clearly in that dream.  But, I miss him so much, it hurts!  I am so thankful for that dream. 

Chandler, I love you so much.  I always will.  You are always in my thoughts.  We talk about you often and always will.  You are, and always will be, part of this family.  We have so many sweet memories of you and I'm so thankful that you loved to make movies.  Having your movies here with us is a treasure. 

4 Years

It's hard to believe that 4 years ago today, Chandler went to heaven.  Sometimes, I still ask myself, "did this really happen?"  "Are we really living this nightmare?"  Unfortunately, we are.  These anniversary dates are even harder than the other days of the year.  It just brings all of the memories of those days back.  They aren't pleasant.  I can picture it in my head as if it is happening now.  As hard as the days are, we always seem to make it through them.  It's only because of God's help and the way He uses His people. 

I am still amazed by the wonderful people in our lives who continue to pray us through these days.  I've received so many wonderful messages on FB, personal text messages, calls, cards, gifts and flowers.  I am so appreciative of all the love that is bestowed upon us all.  It means more to me than anyone could ever know. 

This year was a little different.  It was our first year to go through these days without Caleb with us.  So, that was always on my mind and made it a little more emotional.  I know these days have to be hard on him as well because he was with Chandler when the accident occurred.  He called yesterday and I talked to him for a while and of course it was so good to talk to him and hear his voice.

I received a call today from a florist in town.  They wanted to know if I would be home for a delivery.  When they arrived, Chad met the delivery man outside.  Chad brought me a beautiful arrangement and told me to take it while he went to get the other one.  I said, "the other one?"  To receive 1 was a total surprise.  Why would I receive 2?  I waited to read the card until Chad brought the other flowers in.  Once he got in, we sat the other flowers down and I pulled the first card out.  I saw the name and lost it.  I immediately wept before I even read the note.  It was from Caleb.  Chad started to cry when I told him who sent it.  The card read, "Thinking of you.  Love you mom.  Caleb".  Those flowers meant more to me than anything.  To have my son think of me and send such a beautiful thing touched me in a way I can't even explain.  It's what I needed today!  He also picked out a beautiful arrangement.  It has all white flowers in it with a beautiful glass cross in the center.  I pulled the card out of the other arrangement and read it.  It was from 2 very special families that we love dearly; the McKinney's and the Leets.  It's another beautiful arrangement with fall colors.  Needless to say, after receiving those 2 special arrangements, I was an emotional wreck for a while.  I was trying to get ready for the day at the time and I will tell you it's hard to get ready and keep eye make up on your face when you can't stop the tears.  I was in my room crying and thinking about the flowers Caleb sent.  I just couldn't help but thank the Lord for my kids.  I am so blessed.  I just could not stop thanking God for my 4 blessings.  I love them all with everything in me.  I also called Caleb tonight and was able to talk to him a little bit.  It always does my heart good to hear his voice. 

So, as this day comes to an end, I thank the Lord for being with us.  I thank him for the wonderful friends that he has blessed me with.  We have friends all over the world and they all have a special place in my heart.  I thank him for my family.  They have loved on us, prayed for us, supported us and been with us every step of the way.  They continue to be there for us.  I am thankful for my husband who opens his arms to hug me and hold me when I get so emotional from receiving flowers from my son.  I am thankful for my kids who are pretty close to perfect in my eyes.  I am thankful for Chandler.  I am thankful for the blessing of being his mom.  I am thankful for the 16 years we had.  It was a short time but it was a perfect time.  We have wonderful memories to look back on.  We had lots of extra time with him because we home schooled him.  That's another thing I am thankful for.  I am thankful that God lead us to home school.  Because of that, I had so much more time with Chandler than I would have if  he had gone to school.  I am thankful for the gap in the age of my kids.  Chandler and Caleb were 10 and 9 when Corben was born.  They were 11 & 10 when Carlie was born.  If God hadn't blessed us with Corben and Carlie later on, we would have an empty nest right now and I don't know if I could handle that.  God knew what he was doing.  He always does, but sometimes we don't see the big picture.  I like it when I can see what he has done.  Some things I won't understand until I make it to heaven though.  The loss of Chandler is one of those things.  But, in the midst of our pain and heart break, I can still choose to be thankful. 

God Speaks

Most of my family and friends know that November is a hard month for me.  It's very emotional for a lot of reasons.  We celebrate Chandler's birthday but we also have the anniversary of  Chandler going home to heaven all within 5 days of each other.  I can already feel those days approaching.  So, when God speaks to me and it is so clear, it is very exciting and encouraging. 

I can remember very vividly what I was wearing the day of Chandler's accident, from my clothing to my shoes to my jewelry.  It wasn't anything special or amazing.  I think it's just the fact that I wore those clothes for 2 days while we were at the hospital.  Well, I was getting clothes together for church tonight.  I have to do it on Saturday night or I will never be ready on Sunday morning to leave on time.  I pulled out a shirt to wear and it happened to be the one that I wore during those days at the hospital.  Yes, it's almost 4 years later and I still have some of the same clothes.  If clothes still fit and look good, I keep them.  Anyway, I went to iron my shirt.  As I was ironing, I noticed something that I had never noticed before.  In the tag area was a picture of a dragonfly.  I just stopped ironing and stared at it for a minute.  I was amazed at what I was seeing.  Not too long after Chandler passed away, I ran across a story of the dragonfly.  I loved it and at that time I chose it as our symbol to remember Chandler.  So, it is very special to me every time I see one.  So, when I saw the dragonfly in my shirt, I just felt like God was speaking.  He was reminding me that he has been with us this whole time.  He was with us in the hospital and he is with us now.  It also seems that God chose the dragonfly for me as our symbol.  It was in my shirt that day and then He led me to the dragonfly story months after Chandler passed.  But, He took almost 4 years to let me see the big picture.  Of all of the shirts I could have worn that day, it just amazes me that I wore one that had a dragonfly in it, a symbol that would mean so much to me soon after. 

So, I am encouraged by God's message to me tonight.  Will I have bad days ahead?  Yes.  Will I cry a lot more than usual?  Yes.  Will I question things?  Yes.  But, I can also trust that God is going to get me through these more difficult days just like he does every other day.  It's only because of Him that I have made it this far. 


Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.  Psalm 23:4

Letters are Here!!

Today ended up being a great day.  Caleb just started his 4th week in Marine Corp boot camp.  Although, he is 4 weeks in, we had not received our 1st letter from him.  Because of our move, mail had to be forwarded until he received our new address in our first letter.  Well, it was taking forever.  I was disappointed every day when I went to the mailbox.  I was driving home this afternoon and as I approached the house, I just prayed that we would get a letter today.  I parked the car and then walked over to the mailbox.  When I opened it, I noticed forwarding stickers on some mail.  I pulled everything out and there was a letter and then another letter and another.  3 letters!!  I just teared up when I saw them.  I was so happy and so excited to hear from Caleb.  I went into the house and sat at the table to begin reading them.  The first letter was pretty basic.  It was a typed out letter from the USMC that the recruits are given just to fill in some information.  This letter had his mailing address on it for all of our future mail.  He added a little bit of his own writing to that letter.  He requested that I mail him some deodorant and protein bars.  He said the deodorant they have there is liquid stuff.  He said the first week was exhausting.  In his second and third letters, he shared a little more.  He said that some days are better than others.  He has realized that if you just pay attention and do what you're told then you're fine.  Caleb never was a breakfast eater but he said that he has gotten used to eating breakfast.  He thinks he has gained weight from eating so much.  He hasn't really been singled out for doing anything wrong which is a good thing.  He said the biggest thing is just to listen and do everything as loud and as fast as possible.  He lost his voice for a few days but he said that means he is doing something right.  The food is actually decent.  Hot cafeteria food and salad/pasta bar and Gatorade.  They get hot showers but all 41 recruits have to be in, out and dried off in just a few minutes.  Drill is his favorite thing, although marching in camos in the heat with a drill belt, two canteens, assault pack and rifle gets very heavy and exhausting.  He said his back is killing him.  He has met one other believer in his platoon.  The 2 of them have been given the title, "lay readers". Basically, they are prayer leaders because they only get 5 minutes per night.  He is getting close to a few guys.  He said he didn't think it would be easy, but it's actually easy to stand out.  He said he strives to be different.  He talks to recruits as much as he can and prays with them.  He has shared the gospel to 2 people and people are constantly asking him questions and are curious.  He got a bunch of Bibles for the platoon and they're all thankful and curious.  He said that gets him "fired up".  He said it's a little odd because he has never really been like that but he feels like that's a big reason why he is there.  He said that getting letters is great.  It's sad when others get mail and you don't.  He also said that the nights are lonely. 

So, Caleb seems to be doing well.  He continues to amaze me with the faith he has.  He has been through a lot but he has stayed true to his faith and that makes me a very proud mama.

Thank you to all of the friends and family who are praying for Caleb during this time.  It is obvious that prayers are going up and that Caleb is being taken care of.  Please continue to pray. 

In addition to receiving Caleb's letters, a new friend brought us dinner and dessert tonight.  The dessert was special.  She said that she started reading my blog last night.  So, in honor of Chandler, she made "flower bunnies".  If you don't know what they are, it is brownies with powdered sugar sprinkled on top.  We don't know why Chandler called them that, but he did.  It was his sense of humor.  So, I am thankful for a new friend who is willing to do something so special for our family. 

It's been a great afternoon/evening.  I am so thankful!  Now, I must go and write Caleb a letter. 

Caleb heads to boot camp

This blog will be different than normal because it's not about Chandler.  It does affect our family and I want to remember the day so I am writing about it.

The goal of a parent is to raise their child.  We want to raise them in the way they should go.  We want to teach them how to grow into an adult, become independent and go out on their own.  I've realized today that even though your child reaches that goal, it's heart wrenching to let them go.  Tonight, we said goodbye to Caleb.  He will be heading to Parris Island, SC to Marine Corp boot camp tomorrow afternoon.  This has been something that Caleb has wanted to do since he was about 12 or 13 years old.  I think back to Caleb's birth and honestly, it doesn't seem like it was 18 years ago.  The time has flown by.  He has grown into an amazing young man.  He has experienced a lot in his 18 years.  Most of the hard times have been in the past few years.  Losing his older brother/best friend, Chandler, has been the hardest.  But, he remained faithful through it all.  He has continued to stand firm in the midst of the trial.  He is more mature and wise than most his age.  He amazes me!  He is loving and compassionate.  He is a leader.  He is funny and he is fun to be around.  He is a great brother.  He is a loyal friend.  He can hang out with people of all ages.  He can sit and play with a baby and he can also sit down and talk with someone much older and he will enjoy it.  He is also a great boy friend.  I've seen him with his girlfriend and he knows how to make her feel like a queen.  He is an incredible son.  I look at him and I just beam with pride.  I am blessed to be his mama! 

Tonight, after he was checked into the hotel by the Marine Corp, we were able to go visit with him for a while.  So, we picked his girl friend, Sarah, up and arrived there about 5:00.  We took him to dinner and then went back to the hotel.  We went to the pool area and let Corben and Carlie play.  We just sat around the pool.  For the most part, we let Caleb and Sarah sit away from us and spend time together.  As long as I was in the same room with him, I didn't mind.  Sarah makes him the happiest and I wanted him to be as happy as he could be for his last few hours that he had with us.  At about 8:20, we had to say our good byes.  I tried to be so strong for Caleb.  I cried but I didn't lose it.  I didn't want to make it any harder on Caleb than it already was.

After we got home, I found Carlie with a flushed face and red eyes.  She had been crying.  Then, I found Corben on his bed crying.  So, we all cried together.  After our time together, I went to take a shower and have my own time so I just cried in the shower for a while.  It's going to be so different around here.  Chandler is in heaven and now Caleb is grown and he is spreading his wings.  Our family has changed a lot in just a few years time. 

But, we will get through this.  We will miss Caleb terribly.  But, it's going to be all worth it when we get to graduation and see him dressed and marching with his platoon.  He will be beaming with pride at what he has accomplished.  I can not wait!!

3 Years

Well, I started out my day in the shower with some alone time.  I spent some time crying and trying to let out some of my sadness so that I could try and remain as strong as I could for the family today.  Our plans were to do things a little differently today.  We know what the date is and we know that it brings bad memories and a lot of sadness.  But, we wanted to try and make it a better day for the kids.  So, we all went out as a family for some lunch.  We talked about Chandler some.  We talked about some of the funny things he said or did.  And, of course, we laughed about it.  He definitely knew how to make us laugh and he still makes us laugh. 

After lunch, we went to the movies.  One of Chandler's favorite things to do was watch movies.  His email address had "moviebuff" in it.  We took the kids to see Free Birds.  I have to admit it was not the best movie.  I think Chandler would have been as disappointed as we were. 

When we got home this afternoon, I was checking email and FB messages.  There was a post by a friend of Chandler's.  She was talking about a time when Chandler sent her a Facebook message.  He told her, "life is awesome Jonna, even when it's not".  Of course, the first thing I do when I read it is start crying like a baby.  Since Chandler passed away, I've heard different stories about him from friends.  Their memories, things he has said, etc.  I had never heard about this from Jonna.  I love hearing new things, especially 3 years later when I think that all of the stories have been told.  I also felt like this thing that Chandler said was meant for me.  I have to admit that since November 14, 2010, life has not been awesome for me.  I feel like I'm just existing, with no purpose or desire.  I feel guilty about it a lot because I have 3 other kids here with me that deserve more than that.  So, when I read that quote from Chandler, I felt like he was telling me, "life is awesome, Mom, even when it's not".  So, even though life is not awesome for me right now, I'm going to try and keep that quote in my mind.  I am going to try and live my life as if it is awesome, even in the midst of the pain.  Thank you, Jonna, for sharing that memory.  At the 3 year anniversary, it was the perfect time for me to hear that. 

A little while ago, we put a movie in to watch (Iron Man 3).  We were all sitting here and Caleb walked out for a minute.  He walked back in and I see more than him standing there.  His girlfriend, Sarah, stopped by for a surprise visit.  She brought me flowers.  What did I do?  I got up, hugged her and cried.  Caleb told me that he had told her that when she got here and gave me flowers, I would hug her and cry.  That's what I did.  He knows me well. 

One of the difficult things I have to deal with is that we are 3 hours from Chandler's grave.  I don't get to visit as often as I would like.  But, we have some very special friends who do visit there often.  They went today and I am so appreciative.  I am so thankful for their willingness to go there. They have always done it because of their love for Chandler.  Thank you McKinney family.  We love y'all!

I've received many texts and messages today from people who have been praying for us and thinking about us on this day.  We are so very thankful.  We are very blessed with great friends and family!

So, we've made it through the 3rd anniversary of Chandler going to heaven.  Even though, tears have fallen, it's been a pretty good day.  I enjoyed our time today as a family.  Since I've started to work, I feel like I hardly see Caleb during the week.  It used to be just me and him here during the day.  We wouldn't hang out all day together. But, we would usually be together in the kitchen making lunch and talking or sitting down eating lunch and watching some TV.  So, to have him with us all day today has been a blessing.  He's still here with us watching a movie.  I don't think we've all been together this long in a while.  So, I'm enjoying it.  Of course, I'm kicking them all out in about an hour so that I can watch Grey's Anatomy.  :)

Chandler, 3 years later, we still miss you terribly.  We miss you more than ever.  We hold you close to our heart and always will.  You are talked about often and we will continue to do that as well. You will always be part of this family.  Right now, we give live apart.  But, we will all be together again and it will be for eternity.  I love you with all of my heart, forever and always! 

Praise You in this Storm

Three years ago today, we received a phone call from Caleb that Chandler had been in a dirt biking accident.  So, how have I gotten through the 3rd anniversary of that day?  Here's how.

It really amazes me sometimes how God seems to do things right on time.  His time!  This morning, I woke up and started to get ready for work and get the kids ready for school.  I don't have to go into work until later.  So, after they leave, I usually sit down and drink coffee and read through devotions.  This morning's devotion was right on time.  The verse for today was: "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28.  That verse reminded me that I may not understand why we've experienced such a great loss.  I may not understand why we have some of the struggles we do.  I may not like the cards we've been dealt a lot of times.  But, there is a reason for it.  In all of this, God has a plan.  That plan is for His purpose.  It's possible I won't even know the purpose or the good that comes from all of these things in the long run.  But, when our days are over here on earth, it will all make sense.  The pain, tears and suffering won't matter any more.  As much as we hurt here, the timing here is nothing.  We have an eternity awaiting us that will be full of joy, love, happiness, etc.  No more tears!  

On the way to work, I had the radio on.  I flip through the stations a lot.  When I landed on a station, they started playing a song.  It was "Praise You in this Storm", by Casting Crowns.  The song says so much that I can relate to.  It's a great song.  I wept the entire drive to school.  

As soon as I got to the school, I received a text from a friend.  She said that she was praying for our family.  So, I enter work knowing that people are praying and that means so much to me.  I don't take those prayers for granted.  They do work.  When I get into my class, I explain what we are going to do for the day.  I tell the students what the plans are for tomorrow and that I will not be there.  Chad and I have been given the day off tomorrow which is a huge blessing.  We are truly thankful for the heart of the principal at the school and for her considering what our family needs tomorrow.  Anyway, before we start our class work for the day, a student asks me if we can pray.  We don't usually start our class with prayer so this was a change.  I asked him, "would you like to pray?"  He said, "yes".  A few other students shared a few prayer requests.  Then, this student started praying.  For most of that prayer, he prayed for our family.  It was the most beautiful, touching prayer.  He prayed it with such compassion.  That prayer came straight from that 6th grader's heart.  That prayer was such a blessing to me.   I love that kid!

Throughout the day, I've received many texts, FB messages and calls from so many people praying for us and thinking about us.  I am so appreciative of them all.  It is so comforting to know that we have so much love and support through this journey.  Yes, it's 3 years later but we still hurt.  We are still in need of those prayers.  

So, once again, we've made it through another hard day.  It's been very clear to me that God continues to know where we are.  He still comforts us.  He does that by using so many people.  I am so thankful that people are willing to be used by God to be a help and encouragement to us.  



"Praise You in this Storm" - Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Happy Birthday, Chandler

My Dear Chandler,

Today, we celebrated your 19th birthday.  This morning when I woke up, I just stayed in bed for a while thinking about the day you were born.  I can remember it as if it just happened.  I imagined being there in that hospital and having them lay you on my chest after you were born.  You were a beautiful baby boy, with a head full of crazy hair. 

Our plan today was to celebrate you!  It's so hard to do that without you here.  We miss you so much.  But, November 9 is not a sad day!  It's your birthday!  It's the day you were born and we finally were able to hold you and love on you.  The sadness just comes because we have to do this without you now. 

We planned a good meal today and ate together as a family.  Caleb's girlfriend, Sarah, joined us.  For dessert, I made one of your favorites.  I made brownies and sprinkled them with powdered sugar.  You named them "flower bunnies".  We never understood why in the world you named them that, but we laugh about it every time we have them.  It just shows your sense of humor. 

We've watched lots of videos today.  Some of them were old videos from when you were just a little toddler.  Some of them are the videos/movies that you made as you got older.  We are so very thankful for all of those movies you made.  We cherish them!  I wish there were so many more.  We just sat here a little while ago watching the video you made of when you were outside digging a ditch in the back yard.  It's about a 15 minute video of you digging.  We watched the whole thing.  Who would have ever thought that watching you dig a ditch would be so enjoyable?  We love seeing your face, hearing your voice and your laughter.  There is a part in that video that always makes us laugh.  You are working so hard at digging and Caleb isn't there to help you.  You keep yelling at him to come help but he never comes.  At the end of the video, you yell at him again and say, "Caleb, you're not doing Jack Nicholson"!  You would say that a lot and we laugh at that every time we hear it.  The crazy thing is that most people wouldn't think to set the video camera up and tape themselves digging a ditch.  But, you did that!  And, it means so much to us to have it.  Thank you for your great sense of humor and for your love of making movies.

Later this afternoon, Nathan came over to visit a little while for your birthday.  I'm glad he came.  We don't see him as much as we used to when he lived across the street.  So, it meant a lot that he would come by today, for your day.  While he was here, we all sat and listened to Sarah sing for us.  She and Caleb played the guitar and she sang, "Happy Birthday" to you for us.  It was beautiful! 

Your dad and I were talking this morning about the grieving process.  It's very hard!  I think you just learn it as you go through it.  Some people may think that at almost 3 years into this, we should be fine.  Our grief should be over.  That is not true at all!  You can't get over the loss of a child.  We've just learned how to live with the loss.  We take it a day at a time.  Each day can be so different emotionally.  You don't know what kind of day it will be until you wake up each morning.  Some days are harder than others.  Some days, I just want to lay around and cry all day because I miss you so much.  I think at nearly 3 years with you being gone, it hurts more in some ways.  I've realized that it's been almost 1,095 days since we've touched you, heard you walking through the house, heard your laughter, etc.  That's why the movies we have mean so much to us.  We long to hear your voice.  And, when we hear it on those movies, it is so sweet!  There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think of you.  Your name is mentioned all the time.  You are still very much a part of our family, even though you aren't present with us.  

I love you so much, Chanman!  I'm so blessed to be your Mama.  You are never far from my thoughts!  Happy Birthday to you! 

I love you,

Forever your mama