4 Years

It's hard to believe that 4 years ago today, Chandler went to heaven.  Sometimes, I still ask myself, "did this really happen?"  "Are we really living this nightmare?"  Unfortunately, we are.  These anniversary dates are even harder than the other days of the year.  It just brings all of the memories of those days back.  They aren't pleasant.  I can picture it in my head as if it is happening now.  As hard as the days are, we always seem to make it through them.  It's only because of God's help and the way He uses His people. 

I am still amazed by the wonderful people in our lives who continue to pray us through these days.  I've received so many wonderful messages on FB, personal text messages, calls, cards, gifts and flowers.  I am so appreciative of all the love that is bestowed upon us all.  It means more to me than anyone could ever know. 

This year was a little different.  It was our first year to go through these days without Caleb with us.  So, that was always on my mind and made it a little more emotional.  I know these days have to be hard on him as well because he was with Chandler when the accident occurred.  He called yesterday and I talked to him for a while and of course it was so good to talk to him and hear his voice.

I received a call today from a florist in town.  They wanted to know if I would be home for a delivery.  When they arrived, Chad met the delivery man outside.  Chad brought me a beautiful arrangement and told me to take it while he went to get the other one.  I said, "the other one?"  To receive 1 was a total surprise.  Why would I receive 2?  I waited to read the card until Chad brought the other flowers in.  Once he got in, we sat the other flowers down and I pulled the first card out.  I saw the name and lost it.  I immediately wept before I even read the note.  It was from Caleb.  Chad started to cry when I told him who sent it.  The card read, "Thinking of you.  Love you mom.  Caleb".  Those flowers meant more to me than anything.  To have my son think of me and send such a beautiful thing touched me in a way I can't even explain.  It's what I needed today!  He also picked out a beautiful arrangement.  It has all white flowers in it with a beautiful glass cross in the center.  I pulled the card out of the other arrangement and read it.  It was from 2 very special families that we love dearly; the McKinney's and the Leets.  It's another beautiful arrangement with fall colors.  Needless to say, after receiving those 2 special arrangements, I was an emotional wreck for a while.  I was trying to get ready for the day at the time and I will tell you it's hard to get ready and keep eye make up on your face when you can't stop the tears.  I was in my room crying and thinking about the flowers Caleb sent.  I just couldn't help but thank the Lord for my kids.  I am so blessed.  I just could not stop thanking God for my 4 blessings.  I love them all with everything in me.  I also called Caleb tonight and was able to talk to him a little bit.  It always does my heart good to hear his voice. 

So, as this day comes to an end, I thank the Lord for being with us.  I thank him for the wonderful friends that he has blessed me with.  We have friends all over the world and they all have a special place in my heart.  I thank him for my family.  They have loved on us, prayed for us, supported us and been with us every step of the way.  They continue to be there for us.  I am thankful for my husband who opens his arms to hug me and hold me when I get so emotional from receiving flowers from my son.  I am thankful for my kids who are pretty close to perfect in my eyes.  I am thankful for Chandler.  I am thankful for the blessing of being his mom.  I am thankful for the 16 years we had.  It was a short time but it was a perfect time.  We have wonderful memories to look back on.  We had lots of extra time with him because we home schooled him.  That's another thing I am thankful for.  I am thankful that God lead us to home school.  Because of that, I had so much more time with Chandler than I would have if  he had gone to school.  I am thankful for the gap in the age of my kids.  Chandler and Caleb were 10 and 9 when Corben was born.  They were 11 & 10 when Carlie was born.  If God hadn't blessed us with Corben and Carlie later on, we would have an empty nest right now and I don't know if I could handle that.  God knew what he was doing.  He always does, but sometimes we don't see the big picture.  I like it when I can see what he has done.  Some things I won't understand until I make it to heaven though.  The loss of Chandler is one of those things.  But, in the midst of our pain and heart break, I can still choose to be thankful. 

God Speaks

Most of my family and friends know that November is a hard month for me.  It's very emotional for a lot of reasons.  We celebrate Chandler's birthday but we also have the anniversary of  Chandler going home to heaven all within 5 days of each other.  I can already feel those days approaching.  So, when God speaks to me and it is so clear, it is very exciting and encouraging. 

I can remember very vividly what I was wearing the day of Chandler's accident, from my clothing to my shoes to my jewelry.  It wasn't anything special or amazing.  I think it's just the fact that I wore those clothes for 2 days while we were at the hospital.  Well, I was getting clothes together for church tonight.  I have to do it on Saturday night or I will never be ready on Sunday morning to leave on time.  I pulled out a shirt to wear and it happened to be the one that I wore during those days at the hospital.  Yes, it's almost 4 years later and I still have some of the same clothes.  If clothes still fit and look good, I keep them.  Anyway, I went to iron my shirt.  As I was ironing, I noticed something that I had never noticed before.  In the tag area was a picture of a dragonfly.  I just stopped ironing and stared at it for a minute.  I was amazed at what I was seeing.  Not too long after Chandler passed away, I ran across a story of the dragonfly.  I loved it and at that time I chose it as our symbol to remember Chandler.  So, it is very special to me every time I see one.  So, when I saw the dragonfly in my shirt, I just felt like God was speaking.  He was reminding me that he has been with us this whole time.  He was with us in the hospital and he is with us now.  It also seems that God chose the dragonfly for me as our symbol.  It was in my shirt that day and then He led me to the dragonfly story months after Chandler passed.  But, He took almost 4 years to let me see the big picture.  Of all of the shirts I could have worn that day, it just amazes me that I wore one that had a dragonfly in it, a symbol that would mean so much to me soon after. 

So, I am encouraged by God's message to me tonight.  Will I have bad days ahead?  Yes.  Will I cry a lot more than usual?  Yes.  Will I question things?  Yes.  But, I can also trust that God is going to get me through these more difficult days just like he does every other day.  It's only because of Him that I have made it this far. 


Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.  Psalm 23:4

Letters are Here!!

Today ended up being a great day.  Caleb just started his 4th week in Marine Corp boot camp.  Although, he is 4 weeks in, we had not received our 1st letter from him.  Because of our move, mail had to be forwarded until he received our new address in our first letter.  Well, it was taking forever.  I was disappointed every day when I went to the mailbox.  I was driving home this afternoon and as I approached the house, I just prayed that we would get a letter today.  I parked the car and then walked over to the mailbox.  When I opened it, I noticed forwarding stickers on some mail.  I pulled everything out and there was a letter and then another letter and another.  3 letters!!  I just teared up when I saw them.  I was so happy and so excited to hear from Caleb.  I went into the house and sat at the table to begin reading them.  The first letter was pretty basic.  It was a typed out letter from the USMC that the recruits are given just to fill in some information.  This letter had his mailing address on it for all of our future mail.  He added a little bit of his own writing to that letter.  He requested that I mail him some deodorant and protein bars.  He said the deodorant they have there is liquid stuff.  He said the first week was exhausting.  In his second and third letters, he shared a little more.  He said that some days are better than others.  He has realized that if you just pay attention and do what you're told then you're fine.  Caleb never was a breakfast eater but he said that he has gotten used to eating breakfast.  He thinks he has gained weight from eating so much.  He hasn't really been singled out for doing anything wrong which is a good thing.  He said the biggest thing is just to listen and do everything as loud and as fast as possible.  He lost his voice for a few days but he said that means he is doing something right.  The food is actually decent.  Hot cafeteria food and salad/pasta bar and Gatorade.  They get hot showers but all 41 recruits have to be in, out and dried off in just a few minutes.  Drill is his favorite thing, although marching in camos in the heat with a drill belt, two canteens, assault pack and rifle gets very heavy and exhausting.  He said his back is killing him.  He has met one other believer in his platoon.  The 2 of them have been given the title, "lay readers". Basically, they are prayer leaders because they only get 5 minutes per night.  He is getting close to a few guys.  He said he didn't think it would be easy, but it's actually easy to stand out.  He said he strives to be different.  He talks to recruits as much as he can and prays with them.  He has shared the gospel to 2 people and people are constantly asking him questions and are curious.  He got a bunch of Bibles for the platoon and they're all thankful and curious.  He said that gets him "fired up".  He said it's a little odd because he has never really been like that but he feels like that's a big reason why he is there.  He said that getting letters is great.  It's sad when others get mail and you don't.  He also said that the nights are lonely. 

So, Caleb seems to be doing well.  He continues to amaze me with the faith he has.  He has been through a lot but he has stayed true to his faith and that makes me a very proud mama.

Thank you to all of the friends and family who are praying for Caleb during this time.  It is obvious that prayers are going up and that Caleb is being taken care of.  Please continue to pray. 

In addition to receiving Caleb's letters, a new friend brought us dinner and dessert tonight.  The dessert was special.  She said that she started reading my blog last night.  So, in honor of Chandler, she made "flower bunnies".  If you don't know what they are, it is brownies with powdered sugar sprinkled on top.  We don't know why Chandler called them that, but he did.  It was his sense of humor.  So, I am thankful for a new friend who is willing to do something so special for our family. 

It's been a great afternoon/evening.  I am so thankful!  Now, I must go and write Caleb a letter. 

Caleb heads to boot camp

This blog will be different than normal because it's not about Chandler.  It does affect our family and I want to remember the day so I am writing about it.

The goal of a parent is to raise their child.  We want to raise them in the way they should go.  We want to teach them how to grow into an adult, become independent and go out on their own.  I've realized today that even though your child reaches that goal, it's heart wrenching to let them go.  Tonight, we said goodbye to Caleb.  He will be heading to Parris Island, SC to Marine Corp boot camp tomorrow afternoon.  This has been something that Caleb has wanted to do since he was about 12 or 13 years old.  I think back to Caleb's birth and honestly, it doesn't seem like it was 18 years ago.  The time has flown by.  He has grown into an amazing young man.  He has experienced a lot in his 18 years.  Most of the hard times have been in the past few years.  Losing his older brother/best friend, Chandler, has been the hardest.  But, he remained faithful through it all.  He has continued to stand firm in the midst of the trial.  He is more mature and wise than most his age.  He amazes me!  He is loving and compassionate.  He is a leader.  He is funny and he is fun to be around.  He is a great brother.  He is a loyal friend.  He can hang out with people of all ages.  He can sit and play with a baby and he can also sit down and talk with someone much older and he will enjoy it.  He is also a great boy friend.  I've seen him with his girlfriend and he knows how to make her feel like a queen.  He is an incredible son.  I look at him and I just beam with pride.  I am blessed to be his mama! 

Tonight, after he was checked into the hotel by the Marine Corp, we were able to go visit with him for a while.  So, we picked his girl friend, Sarah, up and arrived there about 5:00.  We took him to dinner and then went back to the hotel.  We went to the pool area and let Corben and Carlie play.  We just sat around the pool.  For the most part, we let Caleb and Sarah sit away from us and spend time together.  As long as I was in the same room with him, I didn't mind.  Sarah makes him the happiest and I wanted him to be as happy as he could be for his last few hours that he had with us.  At about 8:20, we had to say our good byes.  I tried to be so strong for Caleb.  I cried but I didn't lose it.  I didn't want to make it any harder on Caleb than it already was.

After we got home, I found Carlie with a flushed face and red eyes.  She had been crying.  Then, I found Corben on his bed crying.  So, we all cried together.  After our time together, I went to take a shower and have my own time so I just cried in the shower for a while.  It's going to be so different around here.  Chandler is in heaven and now Caleb is grown and he is spreading his wings.  Our family has changed a lot in just a few years time. 

But, we will get through this.  We will miss Caleb terribly.  But, it's going to be all worth it when we get to graduation and see him dressed and marching with his platoon.  He will be beaming with pride at what he has accomplished.  I can not wait!!