Happy Birthday, Chandler

 We've celebrated another birthday without Chandler here with us.  I don't have a ton to write about here but there is a specific thing that happened that I just really want to remember.  

Overall, it's been an okay day.  I made sure to workout as soon as I could this morning because it's therapy for me and I knew that it was the best thing I could do for myself. Soon after, Chad and I went to the grave and just spent some time there for a while.  It was cool here today and it's always a lot colder at the cemetary because it tends to be breezy there.  We got there and the sky was blue and the sun was beaming.  It was perfect.  

As we drove home, one of Carrie Underwood's songs came on, 'Something in the Water'.  I was listening to the words and a few stuck out to me.  The song refers to being saved and baptised.  A few of the lyrics say, "And now I'm changed, And now I'm stronger, There must've been something' in the water, Oh, there must've been somethin' in the water". 

I thought about those words all the way home and thought how true they are.  People often tell me, "you're so strong".  No, I'm not.  It's only because of my faith and God holding onto me and getting me through each day that I even have the strength to get up each day.  That's the reason I may seem strong to some.  So, there was something in the water.  It changed me.  It's God in me that gives me the strength I need.  There are so many verses to confirm that: "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." Isaiah 40:29.  That is just one verse.  There are many more.  

I made the brownies that Chandler loved and then we went to Mexican tonight for dinner.  It was just 4 of us though.  It's the first year that Corben hasn't been with us for Chandler's birthday.  He left Monday and drove to Georgia to visit a friend.  I definitely missed him being here with us.  

So, the thing I really wanted to remember from today is this:  Carlie was heading out to school this morning and asked me if she could go to the cemetery after school.  I told her that I was planning to go today as well and asked if she wanted me to wait for her.  She said "no, I want to go by myself".  She has never gone alone.  When she said that, it just pulled at my heartstrings.  It was so bittersweet.  First of all, I loved that she wanted to go.  Carlie was only 5 when Chandler went to heaven.  So, the fact that she wanted to go have alone time at his grave just touched my heart.  Then I felt the sad feelings because it breaks my heart that she even has to go visit her oldest brother's grave and that her time with him was so short.  

Well, she got home this afternoon and I asked her "how did it go?"  She said, "good".  Then, I asked "did you have a good talk?"  She said "well, I did most of the talking".  And, that made me laugh.  I thought to myself that Chandler would have loved that response.  I'm sure that's a weird thing to stand out to me on this day.  But, Chandler loved humor and he loved to laugh.  And, that made me laugh.  Laughter is the best medicine.  

Happy Birthday, Chandler!  We love and miss you!

9 Years

9 years ago today, we received words from doctors that no parent wants to hear.  9 years ago!  It is shocking to me that it's been that long.  These anniversary days come up every year.  I know they're coming.  You would think that it would get better with each year.  You would think by now that I'd know what to do.  I should be able to get through it just like every other day.  But, it's just not possible.  I see the date on the calendar and all I can think about are those days in 2010.  It's so hard not to relive the days.

I went to the cemetery today to spend some time.  It's been cold here and no matter now cold it is, it always seems to be colder at the cemetery.  You can usually expect a breeze there too.  So, I expected to be cold but I also didn't care.  Being cold is nothing compared to what I'm actually dealing with these days.  I waited until about noon to go because I was trying to give it a little time to warm up.  I actually even heated up my rice back and wrapped it in a warm towel to take with me.  I thought I'd just go prepared and do what I could to make me comfortable enough to hang out a while.  

When I got there and sat down, I started to change out the flowers.  After a few minutes there, I realized that it wasn't cold.  There was no breeze. I would have even been fine without the rice bag but I used it anyway.  I actually felt like God calmed the weather a little bit for me.  After the flowers were changed, I did some thinking as well as talking.  I always talk to God and Chandler.  I know Chandler isn't there but it just helps.  Then, I thought about one of the songs that we played at Chandler's funeral.  I've written about the funeral and the music in previous blog posts.  Some of the songs were actually picked out by Chandler himself.  Of course, he had no idea it was happening at the time.  But, that's certainly how it worked out.  It was a God thing, for sure.  So, I pulled the song up on my phone and played it right there.  It's a Newsboys song called No Grave.  The words are perfect and I needed to hear them.  Especially the following lyrics:

It's alright mama, now don't be sad

It's alright, don't cry for me

They can lock my flesh and bones up until

kingdom come

But my spirit will be free

When I first heard those lyrics years ago, it was like they were straight from Chandler.  I had never heard the song.  He had heard the song and requested the CD that had this song on it.  It was to be a Christmas gift for him.  I had already purchased it before his accident.  Then, I opened it up to listen to it when we were planning his funeral.  So, this song and others on that CD are very special. And, just like the first time I heard the song, I felt like the words were coming straight from Chandler. 

I'll be honest and say that 9 years later, I still ask the question "why".  Why did this have to happen?  Why didn't God allow Chandler to survive?  I doubt that I'll have the answers while I'm here on earth and when I get to heaven, it really won't matter.  So, when I left the cemetery today and started driving, I had the radio on.  A song started to play that I haven't heard in a while.  It's called Thy Will Be Done.  God's will is going to be done no matter what.  He has a plan and He knows what's best.  In the end, it will all make sense.  I have to trust that.  I just have to trust that he'll continue to help me get through each day.  He does love me.  He knows the hurt I feel.  He knows my heart is broken.  But, He also said "Blessed are those who mourn: for they shall be comforted" Matthew 5:4.  Over these last 9 years, He has done just that.  I have to trust and believe that He'll still be there for me until He brings us all Home.  

I've had many people message me or post and let me know that they're thinking of us and praying for us.  We've had phone calls as well.  The support and love that we still receive this many years later is appreciated and means more to us than you could ever know.  

For years we've had to get through these days with Caleb being so far away.  But, we always talk to him at some point during these days and he has always been so good about checking in on me at some point.  Tonight, he actually sent me some pictures.  He knows how much I love to get pics and I don't get them often so when I do, I'm extra happy.  He definitely put a smile on my face.  

Special Time

It's been a while since I've written here.  But, today ended up being pretty special and I just don't want to forget it. 

I went to the cemetery this morning.  I went alone because it's what I wanted.  When I got there, I sat down, removed the flowers that were there and just started cleaning up the stone and the area around it.  I placed the new flowers that I had made and just sat and spent some time there. 

I started talking.  Within about a minute's time, I heard something and saw something quickly go by me.  I saw it.  Then, it came right back by me.  It was a dragonfly.  I lost it.  I haven't seen a dragonfly at the cemetery in a while now.  So, when I saw this one today, I just wept.  The timing was too perfect.  I felt like God was there.  He made it very clear.  It's like He was there to comfort me and it's like He also was letting me know that Chandler even knew I was there. 

It began to heat up very quickly outside.  It was in the 90's today.  I began to sweat but I didn't care.  I just wanted to sit there.  30 minutes went by quickly and it was hard to get myself to leave.  The feeling I had from God showing up was just too good and I hated for it to end.  Now, I know that God is with us everywhere.  But, I don't always feel like God is around.  I'm sure it's all my fault.  I'm sure it can be due to me not seeking Him the way I should or spending time in prayer, etc.  So, when God decides to show up and make it so clear that I can not doubt it then you better believe I'm going to soak it all in. 

Before I left, I had something else I had to do.  If the flowers that I replace are still in pretty good shape then I always like to share them with someone else and place them on another grave.  I looked around and it seemed like every vase around Chandler's area had flowers.  I looked as far as I could see.  Some were very faded and obviously had been there a while but I try to put flowers in an empty vase first.  I kept looking and I finally found one.  It was on the first row near the street.  I took the flowers and walked over.  It was a large stone with a husband and wife's name.  The wife had passed away.  I read the husband's name.  He was still living.  Under his name it said "Corp US Marines".  I couldn't believe it.  Of all the empty vases, this was the only one around and the husband was a Marine.  So, I placed the flowers in the vase for another Marine family.  To most, this may not be a big deal.  But, to me, it meant a lot! 

So, I walked back to Chandler's grave, gathered all of my stuff and got ready to leave.  My day had started better than I could have imagined.  The time spent taking care of Chandler's memorial spot was perfect and very special. 

Thank you, Lord, for showing up when you know I need it most.  I should always trust that you're there anyway.  You probably get tired of my doubts.  But, you continue to be there for me, to love me and comfort me on this journey I'm on.  You make your presence known and you make it so clear to me so that I don't doubt it. 

Thanksgiving 2018

So, this blog is going to be a little different as far as the subject goes.  But, I've had many thoughts during these days and I've learned a little so I just want to write and be able to remind myself of it. 

As this Thanksgiving approached, I was feeling very stressed and overwhelmed.  I've never really hosted Thanksgiving before and I've never been the one to do most all of the cooking.  The closer the day got, the more overwhelmed I became.  On top of that, I started to come down with a cough and it was affecting my sleep and eventually started to affect my voice.  That was helping with my stress either.  Chad was telling me "You've got to relax".  I was scheduled to work on Wednesday before Thanksgiving but ended up telling them that I wouldn't be able to make it.  It's hard to teach preschoolers if you're constantly talking and your voice is getting worse. 

So, I just planned to spend Wednesday doing meal prep and waiting on Alex and the grand kids to arrive.  I'm still overwhelmed and stressed out during this time though.  How can I get all of this done?  Will the food turn out okay?  Will the foods be ready at the same time? Can I do this?  Why am I hosting Thanksgiving?  I was really just wanting the holiday to come and go as quickly as possible.  Then, it would just be over and I could breathe.

I was working in the kitchen and at about 10:00, I heard a car.  No big deal.  Cars go down this road all the time.  Well, then, I heard a few doors shut.  So, I thought - Alex must be here.  I walked to the door to see.  As I did, I could see kids walking from a car and I saw a man with short hair.  I didn't even see his face.  I knew who it was.  I immediately got that door opened and there he stood - Caleb!  I yelled "Caleb!" I grabbed him so tight and cried.  He said "I love you".  Best words ever to a Mama!  I eventually let go and acknowledged every one else.  I told them "I love y'all too but I haven't seen him in forever".  It's been 18 months!

He came in and I just kept staring at him and he told me the story about getting here.  He had worked it out to show up here at the same time Alex did.  So, she knew he was coming and it's also the reason I ended up with the job of hosting Thanksgiving.  They worked it out for it be that way.

Corben had stayed home from school and was still sleeping so Caleb went to wake him up.  Needless to say, he was confused and a bit surprised.  We checked Carlie out of school and surprised her.  Then, we drove out to surprise Chad.  He was actually on a lunch break so we met him there. 

Needless to say, during this time of visiting with Caleb and surprising everybody, I was not getting my Thanksgiving meal prep done.  And, do you know what?  I didn't care!  My stress level was gone.  I didn't care if any of the foods weren't ready for the next day.  The family was together and that is all that mattered.  My son was home after a year and a half  of being so far away.  It was even a blessing that I was sick and didn't work.  If I hadn't been home, I probably wouldn't have seen Caleb as early in the day as I did.  I believe I've also been able to enjoy having everyone here more than I would have.  I wasn't overwhelmed anymore.  So, I was able to just enjoy the time with everybody.  I wasn't consumed with thoughts of the food.  And, do you know what?  All of the food got prepped.  All of it got cooked and all of it was delicious.  We even ate earlier than we had planned to. 

God definitely blessed.  And, he taught me.  He said "See, Amie.  Just relax.  I had plans all along to give you the best Thanksgiving that you've had in a while.  You were freaking out over nothing."

So, maybe next time I'm feeling so overwhelmed and stressed about something, I should relax a little.  Maybe it's not all that bad.  Maybe there's a plan here.  God's up to something. 

24th Birthday

Another year has come and gone.  Today was Chandler's 24th birthday.  I think back to 24 years ago and it was the happiest day of my life.  I can remember my first born laying on my chest.  He had a head full of hair and he was beautiful. 

Chandler's birthdays are so different these days.  One part of me remembers the day he was born and how happy I was.  I think of the birthdays that we shared with Chandler here with us.  And, then, the other part of me is sad.  It's sad because now we have to celebrate without Chandler.  I also wonder what would he be doing if he were here.  And, I miss him.  Oh my goodness!  I miss him so much it hurts!

I had to work the early part of the day so I think that was a blessing.  I was busy and didn't really have time to think too much about anything else.  While I was getting ready for work this morning, I did decide to listen to Supertramp.  Chandler loved listening to their music.  For the longest time after Chandler went to heaven, I couldn't listen to their music.  But, today, I turned it on and enjoyed the music and thought about Chandler the whole time I got ready. 

After work, I went to purchase a balloon to take to the the grave.  I debated on going out to the grave at all because it was a rainy day.  But, then, I thought "so what".  I was not going to let a little water stop me from doing what I felt like I needed to do.  As I was driving to the cemetery, a song came on that immediately caught my attention.  It's a Kenny Chesney song and he is one of my favorites.  Of course, I'm ashamed to say that I had not heard this song before today but the timing was perfect. I listened to the words and I just started crying.  I cried until that song was over.  I'm sure that so many people can relate to this song but this song definitely spoke to me today.  If you haven't heard it, go check it out.  It's called Better Boat. It talks about just "breathing in and breathing out" and riding the "waves I can't control"  all while you're just "learning to build a better boat".  It was perfect.  Even the part about friends being there to talk to, to share about what's not working and what's still hurting.  I heard this song and it just made sense to me.  It really hit home.   

Better Boat - Kenny Chesney

I ain't lonely, but I spend a lot of time alone
More than I'd like to, but I'm okay with staying home
By how the last few months have changed
I smile of mourn despite the pain

I breathe in, I breathe out
Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain't working, what's still hurtin'
All the things I feel like cussing out
Now and then I let it go
Around the waves I can't control
I'm learning how to build a better boat

I hate waiting, ain't no patience in these hands
I'm not complaining, sometimes it's hard to change a man
I think I'm stronger than I was, I let God do what he does

I breathe in, I breathe out
Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain't working, what's still hurtin'
All the things I feel like cussing out
Now and then I let it go
Around the waves I can't control
I'm learning how to build a better boat

I breathe in, I breathe out
Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain't working, what's still hurtin'
All the things I feel like cussing out
Now and then I let it go
Around the waves I can't control
If it's working I don't know
When I get done the thing may not flow
But I'm learning how to build a better boat

So, I arrived at the cemetery.  I got out, added the birthday balloon to Chan's flowers and I stood there under the umbrella, thinking.  Then, I just started talking and crying.  You know, being at Chandler's grave is heartbreaking.  It's still hard to believe that I'm visiting my son's grave.  It's one of the hardest things I do yet I feel like it's where I need to be.  If I hadn't gone today, I would have felt guilty.  I would have felt like a horrible mom.  It hurts to be there but it also hurts to not be there.  It doesn't make sense at all.  I know Chandler isn't there but I stood there and talked and cried for a while.  

When I got home, I made Chandler's favorite brownies.  He liked brownies sprinkled with powdered sugar.  I always make something for his birthday that he loved.  The brownies are usually what I make.  It just feels right to do something on his birthday.  

Chad and I rode out this evening to our favorite Mexican place here.  We sat and talked and cried.  Then, when we got home, we got the kids together and watched some of Chandler's movies.  As I was watching the movies with tears rolling down my face, I couldn't help but think how thankful I am that Chandler loved to make movies.  Because of that, we have some amazing videos to look at.  He left us an amazing gift.  

So, as Chandler's birthday ends, I sit here feeling thankful.  I'm thankful that I was chosen to be his mom.  I am so blessed to be his mom.  I am thankful for the memories that we have.  Even now, Chandler can make us laugh.  He had such a great sense of humor.  I'm thankful for the family and friends that have thought of us today and prayed for us.  It means a lot to still have the support 8 years later.  I'm thankful for the strength that God gives me to get through each day.  I'm thankful for the comfort that God gives us each day.  As hard as this journey is, I can not imagine going through this without the faith that we have.  And, my faith isn't always perfect.  God has heard me fuss, complain and ask why on many occasions.  But, he lets me fuss, he listens and he still loves me.  

Happy Birthday, Chandler!  I love you, always and forever!  Infinity!

God Showed Up

Carlie and I went to the grave today to remove Chandler's birthday balloon and add some Christmas ornaments to his flowers.  When we arrived, I noticed something that was attached to his flowers.  I hadn't even gotten out of the car yet when I saw it.  We walked over and noticed that there was a note folded up and placed inside a baggie.  It was hanging from the arrangement.  We took it out and briefly looked at it but we didn't read it.  I sat down and started working on the flowers and making the changes.  After I finished, I told Carlie I was going to read the note out loud for us and for Chandler.  It was a 2 page letter addressed to Chandler.  Through tears and quivering lips, I read the letter.  It was written by a dear friend of ours and it touched my heart. 

Let me pause here and say that the temperature outside today was pretty comfortable.  It was cool but not cold.  It was cloudy though.  The sun wasn't out. 

Okay, so back to our day.  At the end of the letter - and I mean, it was the end.  I read the last words of that letter and all of a sudden I felt heat on me.  All of a sudden, Carlie said "the sun just came out".  She wasn't saying it as if to just say that the sun is out and that's nice.  She was referring to the fact that we sat there at the grave with clouds above us and as I finished that letter, God cleared a spot and the sun was shining right on us.  I was amazed that she caught on to that so quickly.  We sat there looking at each other in awe and just smiling.  She even took a picture of me at that time and I didn't even realize it until I got home and looked through the pictures.  God showed up today.  It was a special time that Carlie and I experienced together and I will never forget it. 

I am so thankful that 7 years after Chandler's passing, God is still comforting us.  He shows up and surprises us like he did today and he helps us to continue on.  God is good.

Praise him for his mighty deeds; praise him according to his excellent greatness! Psalms 150:2

November 2017

November.  It's the month I usually dread.  It's the month that brings a lot of emotions.  It's not because things are easy the rest of the year.  It's just that I'm slapped in the face with the dates that changed our lives forever.  I can go back there as if it happened today.  I can do that any other day of the year as well and that does happen.  But, when I see the dates Nov. 13 & 14th, it's hard not to let my mind be consumed with what happened.

In addition to these dates, Chandler's birthday is just 4 days before.  So, on Nov. 9, we celebrate his birthday but it's done without him.  We still try to make the day all about Chandler.  This was his 23rd birthday.  We looked at pictures, watched some videos and had waffles and chocolate milk for dinner, which is a snack that Chandler often had at night time.

For yesterday and today, I did things a little differently.  I usually share everything I'm going through during these days on social media.  I didn't do that this year.  Other than sharing some scripture, I stayed to myself.  I felt like it was what I needed to do.  Once again, I survived the days.  I have to say that approaching these dates weren't as dreadful as they have been.  I knew they were coming but it didn't consume me.  I've been spending a lot of time lately just reading scripture.  I know that it has helped.  I also know that God has done a lot of work in me over the years to get me to this place.  Does it mean I'm ok now?  No!  I'll never be okay with the loss of Chandler.  Does it mean the grief is gone?  No!  I'll grieve for him until the day I go to heaven.  It does mean that I've finally realized that God does care for us.  He loves our family.  He has comforted me over the years even when I didn't feel like He was there.  He didn't call Chandler home to heaven to punish us.  I don't know why Chandler's days were short.  I don't know why he only made it to 16 years old.  I won't know that while I'm here on earth.  I do know that God loves Chandler. He knew before Chandler was born that he would be with us until he was 16.  When November, 2010 came, it didn't take God by surprise.  He welcomed Chandler with open arms.  We are the ones that were shocked!  And, it's so hard now because we miss him so much and each year that goes by makes it that much longer since we've touched him, talked to him, heard him mixing his chocolate milk in the kitchen, etc.  But, we could also look at it differently and say it's a year closer to when we will see him again. 

Yesterday was an okay day.  I tried to stay busy in order to keep my mind from reliving everything.  Then, we had friends who invited us out to dinner last night.  These friends have been so loving and supportive of us since day one.  They've been with us through it all.  The fact that they were willing to spend some of our day with us just makes me love them even more.  Also, with them, we are able to talk about Chandler.  And, that's what I love to do. 

When I woke up this morning, I had my quiet time.  I read and cried.  Then, I tried to go through the day as I normally would.  Around 10:30 this morning, someone knocked on our door.  I wondered who it could be.  No one comes to my door unless it's the mail man or something.  So, I answered the door.  A man stood there with flowers.  I brought them in the house and as soon as I read who it was addressed to, I lost it.  It said "Mom and Dad Coleman".  There was only one person it could be.  I opened the card and yes, it was from Caleb.  He shared a Bible verse with us.  It comes from Psalm 29:11 and says: The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.  Of all of the scriptures I've read over the past week, I had not read that one.  It was perfect and the fact that Caleb shared it with us meant everything.  So, I shared the verse later on FB.  Oh, and the flowers are beautiful and so special.  It touches my heart that Caleb thinks of us.  I mean, this has affected all of us.  He was there the day the accident happened.  Yet, he still tries to comfort us on these days.  He amazes me in many ways.  I am one blessed and proud mama. 

As these particular days come to an end, I am thankful. 

I am thankful for:

*family and friends who continue to pray for us and be there for us
*16 wonderful years that we had Chandler with us and the many memories
*all of my kids
*God's love, comfort and peace in knowing that we will spend eternity in heaven